I know it is hard to believe that it is possible to be happily married yet in a sick relationship with a POA. Believe me it's possible. In addition it is possible to get PAST the POA through NC bc I did it BUT somehow went back after 3 months of freedom from it. A family member of mine just got caught cheating and his wife and kids have walked out on him. OMG this scares the heck out of me. This could easily happen to me. I need to get my act together fast and keep it together this time. I have to admit that part of me simply does not want to give up my POA. Even though in 6 weeks he is leaving the state and getting married anyway -so I lose him no matter what. But at least I can save my marriage if I get OUT of this sick relationship NOW. If anyone can relate or help please share with me. I feel like the world's biggest loser.
We all can relate, that's why we're here. Doing weird stuff with our thoughts against our will. a-huh. I know you're scared about being caught - but is there a part of you that thinks you won't get caught? With me I would do something extremely high risk - get scared - swear off him - crave again - indulge again - and numb out to that level of high risk and start all over again.....I know if he was not my boss I could have successfully walked away long ago.....if you can walk away and pad yourself with all kinds of support....therapist, here, 12 step if you're into them, meditation, prayer....6 weeks is not long if you could just hold on.
You're not a loser. But you're a love addict and you're in denial. Sure you may like and love your hubby, you may even be happy. But there is SO MUCH missing from your marriage if you are having an affair--for starters, honesty and a complete lack of respect for your spouse. That being said, the term "happily married" doesn't really apply, unless you're only considering the superficial.
Second, you did a great job in NC, but didn't get "past" the POA. When we go back it's because deep inside of us, we never let go. NC takes time. It also takes knowing that you may slip, so you need to avoid any face to face. These are ALL mistakes we make, but now that you've made them, you know to learn from your mistakes.
My suggestion: get into a 12-Step program and commit yourself to it. Recognize that you have weaknesses and need the help of 12-Step program or a forum like this one. And by all means, get real with yourself. Recovery is all about HONESTY with yourself and others. And while that doesn't mean you should go run out and tell your hubby about your affair (although some people here would advise otherwise) it does mean to live an HONEST LIFE and RESPECT OTHERS. It means ditching the denial. You cannot be happily married if you are cheating. Period. That's like saying "I'm in great shape" when you're 500 pounds simply because you don't yet have diabetes.
Addicted, it sounds like you might be operating in a SPLIT way and it's very common in addicted people....addiction of all kinds....One side of you(the adult) lives and feels one way (happily married) but the other side(the child) is living and feeling another(destructive,impulsive) ...this phenomenon is very common and it's the unhappy child inside you that needs to be tended to. The child is unhappy and is making the choices, not the adult. The adult can very well be logical and happy but the child is not... You're NOT a loser at all, Addicted...you're a woman with unmet needs and attempting to get something from this POA and it's more than just the euphoria. Something is being triggered inside and something is missing inside of you and your infidelity may or may not have anything at all to do with your marriage or husband and all lie within YOU..That's something you can figure out in therapy..Hang in there but are you in therapy? Get to some meetings ASAP and delv within yourself to figure out what's motivating you to do this.....I agree with what Lj said...DO NOT tell your husband about this....it will hurt him and to reveal it to him will only serve to unload your guilt....
Thank you everybody-Bklyn you hit the nail on the head. I AM an unhappy inner child. And the child is running the show. My marriage is really amazing. People always tell me how they are jealous of our marriage -we are best friends AND lovers. None of this is about my marriage-it is about ME. I cannot find what will make me happy. I do have a therapist and I do take meds. This site is amazing. Thank you all. Oh and I am also in a 12 step program -EA emotions anonymous-not many people even know it exists. I have a lot of psychological work ahead of me. Sigh. Leadbelly you are right about being numb to the high risk behaviors. I have done unbelievably dangerous things and I am usually a person who is very cautious. I really do feel like a split personality. And my POA knows it. He knows that when the cautious one is in conrol that he just has to wait for the what he calls "naughty" me to re-emerge. And it always does. I guess when my life starts to feel too boring.
I'm new to this site, but I'm compelled to write. I, too, am "happily married," but have become addicted since last March to a woman I work with. We've been emotionally and physically close, but it is the emotions I am having trouble with (this is my first affair in 24 years of being with my wife). I am "split" as well. My rational side understands that I will lose my wife and family, but my emotional side (additive side) ignores the risk. I had never contemplated having an affair and it has turned into a full-fledged addition -- something that I haven't experienced like this before. My POA and I played the get close-pull away game for 10 months until she told me last month she has a new boyfriend. I've been doing the withdrawal thing for about 3 weeks, but I'm in day 4 of NC -- I KNOW it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't FEEL like it yet.
Just wanted you to know that you're not crazy and we men can also exhibit the same behaviors and thoughts.
Post by Loving My Life on Feb 19, 2012 15:45:10 GMT -8
welcome tony drake, we are all glad your here, can you post your story and your recovery goals in the "newcomers section", under the home tab, this way all of our members will know you are. you will get alot of support and knowledge. We are glad your here, keep coming back.
One day at a time :-) :-). . .We can do together, what we could never do alone. :-) And a problem shared, is a problem cut in half. :-) :-)
Welcome Tony Drake. I too have been married 24 years and never thought myself even capable of having an affair. For me it started with a manic episode and the accompanying hypersexuality. I am no longer manic but the addiction to my POA lives on. He is getting married soon and moving out of state. It is both a relief and something that I dread. At least it will end.
I think you are both allowing your emotions (inner child) to control you, and when that happens, you don't make smart, safe caring choices. When we make decisions with our inner child, he/she really doesn't care what other people think or feel. Only how to keep feeding their craving. Hopefully, you are both in NC and remain so. The work that needs to be accomplished is from within. A PoA or spouse doesn't have the capability of solving what ails you.
Addicted, I have been in your situation. I've also been in your wife's situation, and the situation of your PoA. (In short, I have screwed around and been screwed around every which way.) I don't need to tell you that this will not end well unless you find the strength to end it yourself, sooner rather than later. I wish I could offer some magical advice to enable you to do it right now, once and for all, but all I can do is to say, "Just do it." Once the affair comes to light, there's no putting Humpty Dumpty together again. Your husband may forgive you, but it will never be the same. In my own case, it took some 15 years for my marriage to die, and a lot of ugly stuff happened in those 15 years, but there's no doubt in my mind (or her's) that the cause of death was that first betrayal. I tend to blame her for a lot of what went wrong in our marriage, but I can't shift the blame for that original sin. That is all mine. For your own sake, I truly hope you find the courage to end it quickly, and then to keep it secret forever. Honesty is not always the best policy, and some burdens need to be carried alone.
"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." (John Barrymore)