I'm now somone's POA

Yes lead, and this is just the mild version of the story. But it was a really good mirroring for me as well so much so that I can't even be angry at this person because I have been there myself!

Yes and I'm one of those who would wish someone would obsess over me - but only my POA. And they never do.....but that's how I set it up so I learned last night.

Well I always gravitate, shimmering along like a ghost, to men who are SO not available to me. This current one is married, the one before 15 years ago was the last one; was a drinker, liar, the one before that a drama king and addict, the one before just angry off all the time and so critical of me. I don't really think any of them really liked me in the end.

And so I will say something really predictable; Daddddddy's home!!! or was/is home with each of them. My Dad hit me but then told me he loved me. And threatened me alot and seemingly stole my happiness if I came home budding with joy - he always managed to say something that would wipe the joy right out of me.

Anyway Butter (up until lunch today) I have always gone with what I know. As they say; because I'm female - my dad was my first love so I've fashioned all my men after him. It feels really right for me and it's all I've know directly in experience. Not now. I want to know love as love - not as "I'm in abuse la de da- swoonswoon"

Yes, good to hear from the other side. But often those from 'the other side' forget that there are always two sides to the story. I find that obsessive relationships often don't come from one person out of thin air. The other person may be unknowingly encouraging some tendencies in this person - they may be addicted to the attention. Then suddenly the attention becomes an inconvience or they no longer get what they need out of it. So they move on...and then suddenly it's only the other person with a problem. This is what angers me the most in these types of situations.

Overcome, I understand your point. I mentioned in my post here that it was my mistake to engage in any kind of communication with him because of all the red flags, but I did anyway because I enjoyed the attention. Yes there are two sides, however, in this case, I clearly told him it was not a healthy situation to which, I'm assuming triggered something in him because he could not understand what I was saying & went on the defense. As stated, I did ignore the red flags, but enough had become enough. I am too nice. I wasn't direct enough. I should have said 'you are acting weird now & I'm wondering if you could become a stalker, leave me alone" But I did not want to hurt this person, so I danced around it saying "we've already decided to end things, please stop communication with me so we can both just move on" AFTER THAT email was sent there was no question that I was completely OVER any communication with the person. Yet still I woke up the next day to 20 new txt messages from him, to which I did not respond, and then when i didnt respond, the emails started again, then he switched to a phone number that he said belonged to his cousin because he thought I blocked his number and within two days he sent me 65 text messages and emails--then even begged me not to make him stop contacting me. Asked for 7 more days and then he would stop contacting me.

For some reason I couldn't fig out how to block his number which is how the msgs kept coming through. It was so annoying & aggravating so I re-opened my email acct which I closed to further give him the hint, to tell him that those many unanswered text messages in just 2 days AFTER I already asked him to stop was enough and it was time to completely leave me alone, that it was not love, but obsession.

Even after all of that he still did not understand that I wanted him to just STOP. So I wrote him yet another email, this time telling him I would get authorities involved.

Now an update on this situation: My brother blocked his number & his cousin's phone number from my phone. I called the phone company to make sure it went through. I deleted my email address , which somehow must not be complete yet because I got an email from him today?? Not sure how that happened, but I did not respond. The night he told me about the websites he found with me on them I deleted the ones I could and edited the privacy on some.

I doubt he would hurt me, but I don't want anyone having access to my life without my permission.

I think this is a sobering remedy to our tendency to demonize PoAs here. Some of our PoAs may in fact be jerks, and may do awful things, but that doesn't change the fact that our problem lies within ourselves, not our PoAs. So I think it is actually good to be reminded what things might look like from the other side once in a while.

As an Ambivalent Love Addict, I've been on both sides in pretty much equal measures. I know what it's like to have a "crazy stalker" on my tail (literally, someone who committed multiple crimes against me), and I've experienced the humiliation of being accused of sexual harassment by a woman I was in love with (which is to say, I have been the "crazy stalker").

Over-texting is, to my mind, "crazy stalker" behavior. It might not be criminal, but it's a kind of harassment, and even a kind of intimidation. Saying that it's not so bad, just because I myself have done it, is wrongheaded. It was wrong when I did it, and it's wrong when someone does it to me.

This is why we're here, right? We have a problem that we need to fix. Let's look at it honestly and not make excuses for ourselves.

As the great Pogo once said, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

Wow, what a great thread. I also agree that the POA does owe us an explanation if we had a committed relationship that they seemingly backed away from. That's what I experienced, as my POA stopped communicating intimately with me, so I never really knew where her head was at except that we saw each other less and less over time. In retrospect, that probably caused my LA to surface even further, as I became more and more insecure. In fact, I'm convinced that my POA causes some type of "spell", as I've never behaved like this before, and she seemingly has several ex BFs who still follow her around like a puppy dog.

I understand that we are all at different levels in our recovery so my response here may seem harsh especially to the more rejection sensitive members here, but please note it is not meant as attack. But here is the point of this post. This is an experience that I went through. This is about me, not about any of you. If you feel triggered by this post, maybe you shouldn't read it. I have been abused in every way, physically, mentally, sexually & I have been the victim of name calling.

But sometimes as LA's we take things more personal than they are meant & make everything about us. Our logic is distorted & our perception is usually off. That was surely the case with this person. I have tried every way possible to get him to see that his behaviors were irrational. I've sugar coated, I've implied it, and then I flat out told him. None worked. I got two emails from him today. There's a lot of things I'm holding back from saying here for various reasons.....

Anyway, yes most POA's are selfish buttholes who lead us on & make us think we have a chance with them. However, such was not the case here. As I said I tried being open to dating( which is a whole other story in itself) AND IT DID NOT WORK OUT FOR ME. Hence, I did not want to date him. He was advised of such & told why. In this case HE DID GET AN EXPLANATION...he just didn't accept it, he said he did, but kept trying various tactics to keep our line of communication open, which would have been fine had he not gone over board. Of course I know the pain of a break up, but if only I could tell the whole story, it would make much more sense to those of you who seem offended by the fact that I changed my mind.

Anyway, once his behaviors became obsessive which is not name calling....I had to take drastic measures to protect my personal space. I have been physically assaulted as a result of a stalker...so if a person tells me they have googled me and came up with many profiles and website I'm featured on--yes that is scary & triggers me to take even more drastic measures. I'm not going to give you the benefit of the doubt rather a person is a stalker or not the minute you show me that you have potential to be AND HAVE BEEN ACCUSSED OF IT BEFORE...if I ask you, then TELL you to stop contacting me and you don't, yes, you are harrasing me. I do not want any gifts, I do not want any emails, text messages, nothing, just leave me alone.

He may not be a stalker, I don't know, but I don't want to know either, and that is the point. I just want to be left alone, and my wishes are not being respected.

Lastly, I have been nothing but nice to this man. I a but being compassionate sometimes allows others to take advantage of you, which is how I got stalked before. Being too nice to tell them in a stern manner to leave me alone.

Anyway, Overcomer, I am addressing you personally here because I think you are taking this post too personally. And I'm sorry if it triggers you, just remember, this is my experience and my reaction to it. This is my safe place where I can come to discuss something of this manner.

ButterflyWings, I think you absolutely did the right thing, and you seem to be handling it very well. (I wish I had been that level-headed and assertive when one woman decided that if she couldn't have me, she would do everything in her power to destroy my life.) And neither you nor anyone else here should have to censor themselves here, as long as you are talking about yourself and not other members. This IS our safe place. And, again, I really appreciate this thread. It is sobering, in a very good way. Finally, I hope you can shake this person once and for all.

butterflywings, i thought you handled your situation excellent, this is what recovery is about. And yes this is a safe place to share. It is none of our business what others say or think about us...what is important is you handled your situation for yourself. and we also dont owe anyone a explanation as to why we took care of ourselves. As they say in meetings, take what you need and leave the rest. Everyone is not going to agree with everything we say or do, but this is real life, and we just have to make the best decisions for our life. That is recovery at its best.
Awesome job.

Wow, I think it may finally be over. The emails have FINALLY stopped. Haven't received one since yesterday afternoon. I was successful in blocking his and his cousin's phone number from texting me, but for some reason I couldn't get him out of my email. I would close the account, yet his emails kept coming through. I blocked his email address, yet his email still got through. It was so frustrating. I tried to be nice about it, but that didn't work. I am so mad about this situation though because I could have avoided it. My HP told me early on that something wasn't quite right with the situation. But trying to be more open and not ruled by my fear of intimacy, I kept ignoring my doubts. I kept ignoring my instinct. I ignored my own boundaries of not moving too soon because I was triggered by his demanding ways and temper tantrums when I wouldn't act on his time schedule. I never did things soon enough, I never responded quick enough, or me being selective in what I shared meant I didn't care. It is such a weak spot for me for ppl to think I don't care when I do.....so i ignored my own rational mind and kept talking to this person anyway. UGH....and it isn't that he is a bad person, he just has things he needs to DEAL WITH and stop being in denial about.

Anyway, I can't be too hard on myself because I didn't let it go on too long. I realized it wasn't a healthy situation and removed myself from it. I just wish I had done so BEFORE sharing intimate details about my life. And I wish he would have just walked away, I wish I didn't have to stoop to such low levels to get him to leave me alone.

When I have' to be stern with someone it makes me so upset. But when I have to be down right blunt with someone and tell them exactly what I think of them , it really shakes me up. And so to have to do this over & over was so draining on me, especially when the person is so blind by their irrationalities that they use GOD as a scapegoat. UGH, it is one of the worst things you can do.

When I asked him not to contact me anymore he began sending me emails of scriptures and telling me I have changed and become corrupt by the world system. This was supposed to be encouraging, but it was flat out annoying and irritating.

He said I was being lead by the dtoxic and treating him like an enemy , but said God commands us to love our enemies so why can't i JUST BE NICE TO HIM?

In other words, he wanted me to just ignore the fact that he was emotional unbalanced and because of God's love accept him anyway.

Well guys I am sharing this because I know a lot of us have probably done this or something similar to our POA and maybe our intention really was to help them, however, it comes across as manipulation. As if you are trying to use a different tactic to keep a connection with the POA. That tactic can be God/scripture, or other things you feel the POA "needs".....but I beg you to just stop, the POA does not want your help. And if you "offer" this help in an accusatory tone the way this guy was doing me it just adds fuel to the fire.

Again, I must say this, there's nothing wrong with googling someone, however, when you show signs of obsession that's when the googling becomes scary. I knew that he googld me and found out things about me before I was ready to share them. If I couldn't get him to stop emailing me & texting me, whose to say what else he would have begun to do obsessively? So I had to take drastic measures to ensure that he truly leaves me alone.

I have some safeguards in place and we will see what happens.

But, even if we as LA's don't mean any harm , I hope that we take serious thought in focusing on ourselves instead of the POA. I hope that everyone on this board is able to become truly free and don't end up doing these obsessive behaviors because being on the other side of that is beyond aggravating, and kind of scary.

I did begin talking to him again, but I limited things to just emails at first. I didn't want to see him, or speak on the phone. Soon we began to date again, and I was dizzy in love...again, but he was the same liar as he had always been. In the yr of us not speaking he had a gf, and while we were "trying again" he was busy getting her pregnant. I asked if he had anyone else, of course the answer was no. So, there I was devastated again by the same man. He, like most POA's don't really care about us in a healthy way.

So I'm not sure how I became someone's POA's. I don't really fit the profile, I'm extremely loving, and I did care for this man whose POA I became. But my caring is what made this the most difficult, I did not want to be the source of his pain, however, I had to put myself first and free myself.

Hopefully he'll get the help he needs to also free himself as well. And, I hope it's truly over!!!

Stay strong requin. Even after all I went through w/ my exPOA ( the guy who led me on, not the guy who is obsessing over me), I still "care" for him and have to remind myself of all the things he did in order not to remove the block I put on my phone. We haven't spoken in months, often I wonder how he's doing , how his family is doing, if he ever thinks of me?? If he misses me?? It's been 8yrs since I first met him and I will probably always have love for him, however, it's not healthy for me to have any communication with him.

Hopefully, the guy who has been obsessing with me will be able to have the same resolve towards me.

Carolyn, I'm sorry, (hugz). Yes it does suck, and he has shown his colors by rubbing your face in it that he has moved on so yes you are right in that he will more then likely contact you again but only to gain more power from you. You are doing the right thing by fighting this cycle and not giving him any more of your power. This is a good time to block his number,because he may not need you, BUT you don't need him either!! Focus on Carolyn.