Post by looking4direction on Mar 11, 2012 1:13:11 GMT -8
I never learned to be there for myself.
I always looked to others for love and validation---lovers, friends, family, etc., even therapists.
I am at the opposite extreme now because I have been friends with so many abusive or sick people. I was re-enacting dealing with my primary caregiver. She was also an untreated, undiagnosed codependent love addict.
I th ink she was addicted to me, too. And avoidant. She loved me, then hated me.
So I learned from her how love was.
I have PTSD now, not only from my childhood, but now from my adulthood experiences and I don't know how to relate to others without feeling like I am sliding back into them and losing myself.
And I am not sure even how to have a healthy relationship in professional counseling (not to mention I have close to zero resources; make too much money or have too little for counseling).
I am lost.
Because I have no boundaries. And I am not sure what is healthy expectations in relationships and terrified of making any mistakes. I got very discouraged after going thru so many failures in all my human relating over the past 20 years.
And it might be because I never made friends with myself until I started recovery.
Carol
I always looked to others for love and validation---lovers, friends, family, etc., even therapists.
I am at the opposite extreme now because I have been friends with so many abusive or sick people. I was re-enacting dealing with my primary caregiver. She was also an untreated, undiagnosed codependent love addict.
I th ink she was addicted to me, too. And avoidant. She loved me, then hated me.
So I learned from her how love was.
I have PTSD now, not only from my childhood, but now from my adulthood experiences and I don't know how to relate to others without feeling like I am sliding back into them and losing myself.
And I am not sure even how to have a healthy relationship in professional counseling (not to mention I have close to zero resources; make too much money or have too little for counseling).
I am lost.
Because I have no boundaries. And I am not sure what is healthy expectations in relationships and terrified of making any mistakes. I got very discouraged after going thru so many failures in all my human relating over the past 20 years.
And it might be because I never made friends with myself until I started recovery.
Carol
