Post by looking4direction on Mar 11, 2012 1:13:11 GMT -8
I never learned to be there for myself.
I always looked to others for love and validation---lovers, friends, family, etc., even therapists.
I am at the opposite extreme now because I have been friends with so many abusive or sick people. I was re-enacting dealing with my primary caregiver. She was also an untreated, undiagnosed codependent love addict.
I th ink she was addicted to me, too. And avoidant. She loved me, then hated me.
So I learned from her how love was.
I have PTSD now, not only from my childhood, but now from my adulthood experiences and I don't know how to relate to others without feeling like I am sliding back into them and losing myself.
And I am not sure even how to have a healthy relationship in professional counseling (not to mention I have close to zero resources; make too much money or have too little for counseling).
I am lost.
Because I have no boundaries. And I am not sure what is healthy expectations in relationships and terrified of making any mistakes. I got very discouraged after going thru so many failures in all my human relating over the past 20 years.
And it might be because I never made friends with myself until I started recovery.
So...you didn't mention how you plan to work towards better understanding. Your post sounds like you are making great realizations, but now you need to take action to start moving in a healthier direction. That's what healthy people do. They try to change their circumstances when things don't work.
Write a list of how you can improve your boundaries.
Write a list of how you can start to relate to others.
Write a list on ways you can start to meet new, healthier people.
LJ is right and if you need help with boundary setting etc. there are some great books (you can check them out at the library) the dance of anger, is one of the best. Melodie Beattie, Pia Mellody, Susan Peabody's books are all good. If you can check out a 12 step program. al-anon or Coda are good for codependency, and only a donation at the meetings, if you can afford it. It takes time and it takes work to change how we relate, but it is possible.