Post by overcomer on Mar 12, 2012 6:05:35 GMT -8
"If someone is calling you names or throwing on labels that don’t feel good, you know how badly that can feel. You can let them know it hurts your feelings. If they don’t respond to you in a kindly fashion in trying to clean it up but answers with justification on why it was okay or even acceptable, more sarcasm or “well I wouldn’t have said that except…” then I know I can’t communicate with them. They have kind of ended that option when they tried explaining to me how okay it was. No need to shame them for this; they just don’t seem capable right now. Degrading into name-calling and labels is the most non-productive and harmful effects of dysfunction in a relationship. It is not a misunderstanding, there is no justification and it doesn’t need clarification.
What I do now if a person calls me a name: I let that person know I didn’t like the name. I will have a conversation with the person letting them know that the label they placed on me from their viewpoint is unwanted. It is true I cannot control what comes out another person’s mouth, but if the other person fails to respect my desire to not be called or labeled something, I have the right to limit or detach from that person before it does start to change the “who I am.”
Whatever the reason or justification, name-calling will never make communication better and unresolved instances can destroy relationships.
Did you dishonor someone? If you feel badly for it or if you care about the person you “were unimpeccable with” you can clean it up. I would suggest a sincere five minute conversation and you may be surprised at what it can do. Don’t make excuses for the why you called her/him this name or label unless you’re explaining your mixed up head. Absolutely do not list the things s/he may have done or said that you feel s/he said/did in order to provoke you. It’s not her/his fault - that thing that escaped your mouth. YOU have control over your mouth. Only you. Let her/him know it was not her/his fault and you understand how harmful it was. Then make a sincere effort to not do it in the future.
-This is an excerpt of Part 3 of a 7 part series entitled “Words Can Harm. Words Can Heal.”
Post by overcomer on Mar 12, 2012 6:10:48 GMT -8
by Sarah Chana Radcliffe, M.Ed.,C.Psych.Assoc.
The familiar chatter of siblings fills xour homes with tension and stress - as if there wasn\'t enough already!
No parent wants their children to fight. Enter Mom:
\"Stop being mean to your brother!\"
\"Stop teasing your sister right now!\"
Parents want to help but may inadvertently make things worse. The whole family seems to have a problem with \"name-calling.\"
What is Name-Calling?
Name-calling is the use of any negative label to describe another person. Children often use words like \"naive,\" \"baby,\" \"idiot,\" \"moron,\" \"nerd,\" and so on when addressing their siblings. Parents sometimes find themselves using similar words to address their children, but more commonly use negative labels in sentences that describe children\'s behaviour - for example, making use of words like \"babyish,\" \"silly,\" \"mean,\" \"rude,\" \"selfish,\" \"lazy\" and so on. Parents may not even realize that they are name-calling when they employ these negative labels. They innocently put these words into different grammatical structures sounding like any of the following:
\"You are being so mean.\"
\"What you are saying is mean.\"
\"Don\'t be so mean.\"
\"That was so mean.\"
Whatever grammatical structure is used, the negative label \"mean\" will be absorbed by the child. Parents cannot minimize the effects of a negative label by trying to hide it in various sentence structures. If the label is used anywhere in a sentence, it will be felt as an insult by the child.
Effects of Name-Calling
Any negative label or insult has the potential to hurt a child\'s feelings. Children who are frequently insulted by their siblings often remember the experience with pain even in adulthood. Children who have been insulted by their parents (i.e. being called \"naive,\" \"careless,\" \"sloppy,\" bad\" etc.) also often remember the pain throughout adulthood.
However, remembered pain is not the worse consequence of name-calling. Far worse is the impact name-calling can have on personality development. Even fully grown adults who are subjected to regular insults (verbal abuse) are eventually affected by it: they come to feel less adequate, less competent and less loveable the more they experience being insulted. This effect is much much more powerful in childhood when a youngster\'s sense of self is not yet fully formed. At this point, being called names can leave the child truly believing that he or she is damaged, worthless, useless, bad and defective, as well as unlovable. Once a child entertains such notions about him/herself, the child tends to act in ways that are consistent with that poor self-image. So a child who is regularly called \"naive\" for example, comes to believe that he can\'t do things like other people and then he stops trying to succeed. The label can be crippling. Of course the negative labels used regularly by parents tend to be much more damaging than those used only by siblings, but the effects of sibling-abuse must not be underestimated.
How to Stop Name-Calling
The whole family needs to be respectful toward each other at all times. Brothers and sisters must be considerate of each others\' feelings; parents must be considerate of their children\'s feelings and children must be considerate of their parents\' feelings. The family rule must be:\"I do not give or accept verbal abuse.\" When the family accepts this standard of care, all members will experience emotional safety and the foundation for love. Home can be a haven.
Parents have two jobs in the creation of a name-calling-free environment. The first job is to provide a model. The second job is to teach the children how to respectfully express negative emotions (a step-by-step procedure for doing this is outlined in my parenting book Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice). I will highlight the basic process for both of these steps below.
Provide the Model
The first step is providing a model. This means that parents never call children names – they never use negative labels. Many people wonder how it is possible to correct a child without using a negative label. The secret is this: whenever you want to use a negative label to accurately describe a child\'s behaviour (i.e. \"rude\"), replace the label with the exact opposite word. For example, instead of saying to Junior, \"You are being rude,\" you can say, \"You need to be polite when speaking to me.\" Always use the desired label instead of the offensive label. In this way, your children hear only your target words (your goals for them) throughout their 20 years growing up with you. This helps programme their brains to remember your goals. Thus, you can hope that your children will turn out to be smart, considerate, prompt, honest, helpful, kind, creative, determined, patient and so forth. However, they must HEAR those words consistently in order to steer themselves in that direction. If all they hear is naive, lazy, selfish, wild...they will believe this is all that they\'re capable of.
Therefore, you can make the following kinds of changes in your choice of words:
messy becomes clean and tidy
disorganized becomes organized
selfish becomes generous
careless becomes careful.......
and so forth. Your sentence then changes from,
\"You\'re acting like a baby.\"
\"I know that you know how to be mature. Please act that way now.\"
\"You\'re being nasty to your brother.\"
\"Please be kind to your brother.\"
Now that you\'ve provided the model (and by the way, this also means that you don\'t call your spouse names), you are ready to teach your children. The following process can be used among others:
Explain to your children that name-calling hurts and is harmful. Tell them that they must express their annoyance, frustration or upset simply by naming their feelings without adding insults. For example, it is fine to say to a sibling, \"I disagree,\" or \"I don\'t like what you did,\" or \"I don\'t like your idea,\" etc.
Make a clear consequence for name-calling. For example, whenever someone insults another person, they will have to (insert loss of privilege or writing assignment or whatever you like to use)...(for a complete list of negative consequences and the exact way in which they should be applied for name-calling, see \"Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice.\")
Apply the selected consequence EVERY TIME you hear name-calling. If improvement doesn\'t happen over a few weeks, select a different consequence and try again.
Ridding your house of name-calling is a service to your family and even to your grandchildren, as the intergenerational chain of verbal abuse stops with your new programme. Good luck!
Post by overcomer on Mar 12, 2012 11:51:40 GMT -8
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God,
that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."
1 Peter 2:9
I thank my Lord and Savior who saved and delivered me.
I am a whole new person because of Him.
At the end of the day it does not matter how people may call us
Because our true identity is in our Loving Creator. :-)
"This I recall to my mind,
therefore have I hope.
It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed,
because his compassions fail not.
They are new every morning:
great is thy faithfulness.
The LORD is my portion, saith my soul;
therefore will I hope in him."
Post by Chosen on May 19, 2012 14:43:24 GMT -8
I just met someone who suffered from being bullied and "name calling". Now I will try to extend the comfort I received from my HP to this person.
Name calling doesn't affect me any longer as it used to be. People can say whatever they want to say, but we don't have to take or believe their negativity. Truth is not found in name calling. It's a flawed way of communication. Speak the truth IN LOVE.