One boundary set. Holding breath

runrunrun
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One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 23, 2012 13:30:54 GMT -8

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Post by runrunrun on Mar 23, 2012 13:30:54 GMT -8

Ok I am not really holding my breath. But I think its going to take a few reiterations for this boundary to be respected. And I need to set a few more to distance myself from the expectations of this person.

He is trying to turn me into his backup gf. He has this on again off again relationship with this woman for years. When they are on again I hear nothing from him. When they are off again he pops back into my life wanting to hang out. Whatever to that. But there have been times that he has made plans with me and then never showed up. Then he asks me if I want to do something with him and asks when I am avail. I respond with days and times and never hear from him again.

I found out both times he flaked out because an opportunity to hang out with an available (avail to date) woman presented itself. Making me feel like his backup woman.

I am not going to be anyone's backup gf. And at this point I dont even want to be his friend as I know how he operates now.

He is an event leader for my meetup.com group. But he doesnt have internet access so he writes up his event info emails it to me and I post it for him on our club web site. But lately he has been doing this last minute expecting me to stop what I am doing and get his event posted asap. Its friday night and he just sent me an event for Sat AM. I dont have time to post it and I wrote him back telling him so and that I needed at least 4 days notice to post for him.

Thats boundary number one. Wish me luck. I will see how it goes.

I am new to this boundary stuff. And I am a recovering codependent so in the past I would jump through hoops to help him out. Not anymore. Putting my foot down on this.

All input welcome. Thanks for letting me post here.

I read many of the posts here to get guidelines on boundaries and they helped a lot. So thanks for posting your suggestions/questions here.

RRR

"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso

Jacarandagirl
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Posts: 2,322

One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 25, 2012 1:58:04 GMT -8

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Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 25, 2012 1:58:04 GMT -8

Great, make that so-and-so wait! Sorry, i should be being less judgemental but boy, how IS that guy? Rings you as a back-up plan and then gets a better option. Wow. How flattering. NOT. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, and as for posting his things on your website, I'd make sure I wasn't hurrying or stressing about it. I'm so glad for you that you're working on your boundaries! Well done.

"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

runrunrun Elder Member Moderator and Step Sponsor Posts: 1,953	One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 25, 2012 3:00:51 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by runrunrun on Mar 25, 2012 3:00:51 GMT -8 Thanks jacara, I appreciate your support.
	"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso

lilila
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Posts: 221

One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 25, 2012 17:05:25 GMT -8

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Post by lilila on Mar 25, 2012 17:05:25 GMT -8

Good for you, RRR!

And I can relate to the feeling of being a backup girlfriend, a very very bad thing indeed... it´s really weird, how when you get over a particular poa you can´t believe why you put up with all the things you did... and then you put up with different things from a new poa... so yeah, just keep on defending your boundaries!

bklynrn
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When mind and heart come together, mind serves Consciousness instead of serving itself~~ David Icke

Posts: 647

One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 26, 2012 7:28:10 GMT -8

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Post by bklynrn on Mar 26, 2012 7:28:10 GMT -8

Hi RRR,

Perfect!!.....You made a boundary with this guy but you're not avoiding him either. Yes, you probably will need to remind him of your boundary because people like this tend to try and test your boundaries or may not take it seriously at first. I know I can also violate my own boundaries while learning to be comfortable with them. I have a friend(mentioned him on one of your previous posts) and I will NEVER allow him to call me last minute as a back up ect ect..or look to me as some afterthought..He has tried and I was a fool in the past but we teach people how to treat and my friend knows how to treat me now. Though I played push and pull with him ,while getting comfortable with the boundaries. It took time to feel OK and be consistent with healthy boundaries with him--and others too. Keep in mind--nobody can ''make you feel'' anything but this guy your talking about is triggering up good stuff from your past and allowing you to see that you deserve better. Allowing another to ''Make you feel'' gives the other person power. Take your power back and do exactly what you're doing and DO NOT BE AVAILABLE cause he can't get his sh*t together. I'm not suggesting to avoid him cause Run this is a perfect opportunity to learn, grow and take your power back...especially with men. This is just what I did with my friend. ''Used'' him for practice with boundaries. Maybe you're dealing with some loneliness and when he calls upon you it fills a void. I have done and felt that over and over again but not anymore. I'm not going to avoid people either...just make boundaries and stick with them. I sit with my feelings and let the urge to be ''people pleaser'' pass..It makes a HUGE difference. Not only in how I feel afterwards but how the other person changes and learns how to treat me. It takes time to see and feel the results of making changes and creating boundaries but it's SOOOO worth the effort. Just be patient and look for the changes. They are subtle at first...

Last Edit: Mar 26, 2012 9:08:54 GMT -8 by bklynrn

runrunrun
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One boundary set. Holding breath Mar 29, 2012 13:57:11 GMT -8

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Post by runrunrun on Mar 29, 2012 13:57:11 GMT -8

Thanks for the responses.

Its true. So many times I have looked back on old relationships and now think that I was crazy back then for putting up with such carp.

Bk, Yes you are right. He calls me to fill his lonely times. But then backs out when another more available woman becomes available. At this point I dont even want to hang out with him.

But he did email a reply to my boundary email saying that he agreed. Wow. He is a reasonable guy who probably doesnt realize what pain he is causing other people by his actions.

So far so good.

RRR

"Nothing in life worth having ever comes easy" Bob Kelso

Post by runrunrun on Mar 23, 2012 13:30:54 GMT -8

Post by Jacarandagirl on Mar 25, 2012 1:58:04 GMT -8

Post by runrunrun on Mar 25, 2012 3:00:51 GMT -8

Post by lilila on Mar 25, 2012 17:05:25 GMT -8

Post by bklynrn on Mar 26, 2012 7:28:10 GMT -8

Post by runrunrun on Mar 29, 2012 13:57:11 GMT -8