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Post by diamond on Apr 1, 2012 15:25:30 GMT -8
I am embarrassed and ashamed to be even writing this but I feel so badly right now that I just feel like I have to...
I am about 4 and a half months into NC, but this weekend I am struggling. I'm not struggling with wanting to contact my ex, I am just feeling so incredibly depressed and suicidal and just feel like this pain I am experiencing is too much to bear. Now before anyone jumps in and says, "what have you been doing for your recovery" I ask that you please don't...
I have been reading books, seeing my therapist every week, going to Coda every now and then, started meditating regularly, have blocked my ex in every way imaginable so he can't reach me, am exercising regularly, rarely drink, and I am trying to rebuild my life by doing new activities and avoiding triggering situations. But invariably triggers occur and now I am feeling very very desperate, very depressed and I don't see any end to this suffering because honestly, I'm nearly 5 months in and I'm feeling like this???
So what triggered this? I went out on Friday night with 3 guys that I have worked with at various places. One I kind of like, but I know he is not right for me so I have just been pushing those feelings away. But during the night two of the guys started talking about how they were going to go and work at the same company where my ex works. At this company, my then boyfriend began cheating with somebody else and we consequently broke up. So to hear the name of this company, and to then hear that two of my friends/colleagues are going to go join my ex and his new girl at this company, really sent me over the edge. I still feel so much humiliation and pain around my ex's betrayal, and these guys were obviously completely oblivious to the fact that mentioning this company and going to work there would have an affect on me. It's not their fault I guess, they're unaware of how deeply this affects me... But two of the three of them do know what happened with my break-up, but again, I guess they just don't know how much it still hurts, or they are just insensitive and thoughtless, and ultimately, not good people to be hanging around. At the time, I pretended like it didn't affect me but I became extremely sad and triggered after this. Then later in the night, these guys started to size up women in the bar and were kind of picking out ones that they liked and ones they didn't... including the one I kinda like. This also did not make me feel good.
The problem is... I'm trying to get out and socialize so as not to isolate myself, but then this particular social situation really triggered me, and so I feel at such a loss as to know what to do anymore... and then I isolate. Clearly, I won't go out with these people again but then I just feel like I am having to remove more and more and more people from my life which then creates more isolation. So I went and did an exercise class this morning to try and feel better, and then was reading "Women Who Love Too Much" today but even that book is making me feel so d**n problem-ed and I feel really hopeless... I'm guessing it's my mood, but the book brings up all these thoughts of my ex and I start to think, "Maybe we could have both worked it out if we had both known more about our issues... " So I'm trying to forget him but then recovery work triggers me too...
I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel in all this...
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 1, 2012 16:00:35 GMT -8
diamond, dont be embarrassed or ashamed to share where you are in your recovery. Somedays are not easy, I feel like sometimes just because we are in recovery it means we should just wipe our poa's out of our pysche, well that does not happen. We have to be more aware now of what triggers those thoughts of our poa, and try to avoid those triggers. So maybe going out with mutual friends of both you and your poa, was not the best choice. But instead of beating yourself up over this, turn it around into a positive learning experience. Maybe this is to make you aware of things you still need to work on. I dont even try to forget my poa, but i also know now and im learning daily what triggers me. Hope this helps you some..dont be so hard on yourself, your human, and yes it does hurt.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 1, 2012 17:05:59 GMT -8
Diamond,
That's truly a wonderful name. It conjurs up in my mind a sparkling brilliance, great value, social poise and an ability to draw admirers. Ironically, the wearer in your case cannot see these wonderful qualities. But, they are definately there. Reading your post suggests a very sensitive individual who has much to contribute to people and and society. However, none of us can even start doing that job until we have found within ourselves the ability to hold our heads high, be proud of our achievements, and create a corporate veil around ourselves so that the pain of a past POA can never, ever, ever have a negative effect on us again.
Diamond, you have done so very well and you need to clap yourself on the back every day you get out of that bed. This addiction thing is a bit*h! But I think you need to look more within yourself for the solution. The solution does not lie outside us. The solution should not be impacting on us by the scenario you just described. And that's because the inner child work seals up our hurts, creates the corporate veil and makes us almost immune to the environmental noise that you just described.
ry the inner chaild work. It will compliment all you have done. Realise just one thing - you have fallen into a little trough - that's your brain's addictive centre rebelling against the break.
Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself. Realise you possess all the qualities I described above inherent in your name.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 1, 2012 17:10:26 GMT -8
Err, on a lighter note, just a comment on the "male " observations. Since the caveman, men see it as their inaliable right to discuss with each other the merits and demerits of different females. And, if men listen very sensitively to female conversations, they will notice similar conversations occur - where I live, it's called "girltalk"!.
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Post by diamond on Apr 1, 2012 18:35:09 GMT -8
Thank you for your messages of support... I feel really comforted by the care on these boards...
Brainhealth, gosh what a lovely post. Thank you for saying such kind things... and yes, it's very challenging for me to see the good things about myself right now... when depression hits it's like a black cloud that won't lift. How does one do inner child work? I am going to ask my therapist about it when I see her on Tuesday... but do you have any tips? I haven't done anything like that as yet... to be honest, I don't quite understand it fully.
As for the guys I went out with on Friday... Under normal circumstances, I may not have been bothered by them sizing up women (although they were being a little objectifying, ie. this one's too skinny/fat etc. which I did not appreciate, esp. since I am a woman also). But I think this also stung a bit because, as I said, I kind of liked one of them a little, so to see him rating and sizing up all these women in the bar was kind of confirmation that he doesn't like me back. But... on the flip side, I also know this person is not right for me due to a few things I've heard him say which indicate he would not be an appropriate partner for me. But I still have some feelings for him, so i guess I was feeling some sort of rejection watching him ogle other women in front of me. But the bigger trigger was the talk about my ex's place of work, where I conjured up images of them all socializing and having fun together whilst I continue to sit alone with this pain which does not seem to end for more than a few days at a time...
Luv, thank you also... Seeing that you are still getting triggered by seemingly small things helps me alot. I totally relate to the couple holding hands in church being a trigger. I would have no doubt felt the same way. Lately when I am out in the world and interacting with people my sadness is so palpable at times that I feel like I could burst into tears in front of most people. Yesterday, I went and had a facial and got my hair done and I was just tearing up at intervals throughout. I am just highly highly emotional right now... it's just like a geyser of emotion that won't stop...
I am also a bit confused about the HP aspect. I have never been religious so I kind of wrestle with understanding this concept. What does it mean to "turn my life over to my HP"? I don't understand... Do I pray? How do I do this? I don't know if this would help me or not, but I know alot of people seem comforted by the idea of a HP. I just feel a bit confused by it...
Diamond
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 2, 2012 10:21:34 GMT -8
daimond,
Inner child work:- there's a section on this on this board. Go to the home section and scroll down.
What I do is this. I imagine myself as a little boy about 5 or 6. I imagine I go back in time as an adult, now almost 54 to the street where I was raised. I knock oin the door and am invited in. I talk with my self at 5 / 6 years of age. I imagine holding my inner child, giving him a big hug and making him feel secure and good about himself.
Diamond, every time I do this I feel an incredible glow. There is definately something I am doing here which has a very positive impact on me, 53 going on 54.
So, that's my story with my inner child. Hope it helps
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Post by diamond on Apr 2, 2012 21:54:19 GMT -8
Thanks Brainhealth,
I am going to give this a try... A therapist I once saw gave me a list of affirmations to say to myself to try and "reparent" myself. I am going to try saying them to my inner child:
I love you... I want you... You are special to me... I see you and I hear you... It is not what you do but who you are that I love... I love you and I give you permission to be different from me... I'll take care of you... I'll be there for you; I'll be there even when you die... You don't have to be alone anymore... You can trust me... You can trust your inner voice... Sometimes I will tell you "no" but that's because I love you... You don't have to be afraid anymore... My love will make you well... I accept and cherish you love... I have confidence in you; I am sure you will succeed... I will set limits and am willing to enforce them... If you fall down I will pick you up... I am proud of you... I give you permission to be a sexual being... You are beautiful... I give you permission to love and enjoy your sexuality with a partner of your choice and not lose me I give you permission to be the same as I am, to be more or to be less.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 3, 2012 9:49:38 GMT -8
Diamond,
I could use some of those affirmations.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 4, 2012 2:19:59 GMT -8
Hi Diamond. I think you are doing GREAT and I'll tell you why: you are trying. Not many people try. They give up. NEver give up. Second, this experience (of being triggered) whether you liked it or not, is ALL PART OF THE PROCESS. It teaches you what you can tolerate. It teaches you how to be brave. And it will ultimately teach you to be angry or to let it go. These experiences, as uncomfortable as they are, are crucial to our recovery and to the process of growing up. We can't, after all, recover in a bubble (although wouldn't that be great!) So, instead of seeing this experience as yet another confirmation of your love addiction or your inner struggle, see it as a REQUIREMENT of your healing. And pat yourself on the back for living through it. Remember, one of the main reasons we turn to addictive behavior is because we tend to be people who AVOID conflict of any kind of discomfort. We'd prefer to stay buried in our PoA's lives or our torchbearing or our obsessive thoughts. Because we have done this for so long, our emotional growth and ability to handle any kind of conflict is greatly stunted. So, getting out there and experiencing conflict is, unfortunately, HEALTHY for you If, however, you still seek a buffer, stick with hanging out with women. I hate to be so black and white, but let's face it, women tend to be more sensitive. And there's also the obvious absence of a male presence which may help. But overall, hang in there. Tell yourself you are doing fine and you are right on track! It gets easier. Believe me. Lastly, I wanted to mention that I am not religious, nor do I have the same concept of a higher power as most people. The world, the earth, the universe are what I consider to be higher and bigger and vaster than I. So, instead of praying, I tend to contemplate, very deeply, the miracle of birth, the miracle of life. Right now, in NJ it is Spring. And blossoms are blooming all over the place. More importantly, there is a weed, a common, flimsy, piece of wild grass that has pushed through the concrete in my driveway, simply to be ALIVE. How is that possible? How is that little plant so strong that it can push through concrete? ? It amazes me. WHatever power that weed has it has more than me sometimes. The idea that YOU are part of this same system of life may help to ground you, to let you know what you are part of. You are part of the vast beauty of this universe. You are not just a weed or an ant or a tick. If all these little things are capable of such strength and greatest in their own way, YOU ARE TOO. I hope that helps.
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atlast
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by atlast on Aug 12, 2012 20:17:21 GMT -8
Diamond
That sort of behavior by men triggers me plain and simple! Seing super sexy women trigger me period. I simply hate that life is so superficial with many people. It saddens me and quite frankly repulses me. I dont think acknowledging beauty is in itself wrong or bad or anything less than natural but the sizing up/rating and overall gauking many people do just makes me sick. Perhaps its my insecurity or perhaps its just the prinicple of how I live my life. I personally do not want a man that honestly objectifies people period. Perhaps I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. But, I am ok with that at this point. I think its all the sex addicts I have been attached to. Honestly, I cant stand it when women do it to men either though.
LJ, I love the way you speak. The things you say are such food for my soul sometimes!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 13, 2012 11:32:12 GMT -8
When I was overweight, I hated slender women. When I lost weight I realized that being attractive does not fix anything. As for women who flaunt their beauty. Most of the time they were victims as children. They were groomed to be an "adorable child" and "seductive woman." As adults this becomes entwined with their sense of self, self-esteem and ability to find love. Both mothers and fathers foster this grooming. To learn more about the world's obsession with beauty and how women are pressured to be beautiful, read this groundbreaking book below by Rita Freedman. (By the way, let's try not to judge each other. It is just an attempt to displace our own pain on to others.) Mary is the model for inner beauty which is portrayed by this artist as outer beauty. If I have learned one thing in my work, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i.e. the product of projection . . .
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atlast
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by atlast on Aug 14, 2012 15:08:20 GMT -8
I feel it is necessary to apologize and explain that I never intended to come across that I in anyway form or fashion had anything against sexy women. It is simply a huge trigger of my insecurity. Again, my apologies for coming across insensitive or critical. I will work to be more thoughtful and careful about how my posts come across!
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