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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 11:29:03 GMT -8
luv, is there anyway to distance yourself from your father?
Or is there anyway to let him know in a calm firm way how he makes you feel? Yes he will probably never change.
But your not a child anymore, if your mom wants to apologize to him, let her, if you feel no apology is needed, then you should not apologize.
Set your boundaries with your parents, you do not have to put up with this, it is your life.
Just refuse to talk politics with him anymore, he knows how to push your buttons, so just distance yourself. just like you would anyone else in your life.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 11:46:58 GMT -8
somehow you have to take your power back in this family dynamic, you are still an adult, and if he is going to keep throwing everything that he does for you in your face, well just keep looking for a better paying job, with benefits, and check in your local town and see if you can get some assistance for your health care.
It will take time, but when you have a plan of action, if will give you a goal to strive for.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 3, 2012 12:15:34 GMT -8
Luvmyself,
I think you can find in the 10 commandments the following: "honour thy father and thy mother":- But God forgot to tell Moses how difficult, infuriating, frustrating it was to implement this comandment. I have a similar situation with my mother. All her life, she just had to be right. I eventually ended up slamming the phone down on her several times over the last few years. She looks down on my wife and I, never comes to visit. Always has an appointment with one of her friends for festive seasons.
I know your frustration luvmyself. I have had many years feeling the same. My advice:- take the money, stay out of his company, and don't feel guilty about it. My mother is a bully and has always been a bully. It didnt help her that my father died when I was 8 and she had to fight her way in the world to provide for my brother and I. But, I used to stay out of her company as much as I could because there was always a row. She has mellowed recently and our relationship is getting better. But just remember, you are a child of the universe and have a right to be here and to have your own opinions about everything.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 12:28:08 GMT -8
luv, i dont believe you are isolating, you have to set boundaries, and if people in your life are toxic to your recovery, you need to limit them in your life. This is where meetings help so much, you can make new friends who understand what you are going thru. Honor thy mother and father is true, but you dont have to ever accept abuse, it is about mutual respect, as with any relationship.
Dont avoid going to your meetings, get in there, share, meet people and do things with them for awhile.
This is not a permanent situation, it is on temporary until you get a firm foundation in your recovery. We have to take care of ourselves first.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 12:48:26 GMT -8
luv, your mother means well but she is not in recovery so she had no idea, maybe she could go to coda meetings also. But it is all about us when we get in recovery, we have spent our whole lives trying to make everyone else happy, and we suffer for this, we dont have enough power to make everyone happy, that is there problem, i know this sounds cold, but you have to do this for yourself now.
It is none of our business what people think about us.
You take care of your recovery first, and leave the rest to somebody else.
Iam speaking from experience, i was a people pleaser, and wanted to control people, places and things, it kept me drunk for 30 years. I just cant keep worrying about people. I keep my side of the street clean, and what others do it none of my business.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 13:01:47 GMT -8
Luv, something else just because we are in recovery, does not mean people or family are just going to accept us with love & understanding, but that is not for us too correct.
Example: I sent my sister a text a week ago, and let her know that i had a beachy scene bedspread, curtains, and shams if she wanted it, i have only used twice, & i was going to mail it too her, she lives in another state. i thought of her first instead of giving it to the goodwill, well guess what? it has been a week and i have not heard a word from her. Im not calling her back or texting or anything, im just going to give it to goodwill.
She use to do this to me when i was drinking, and i always got upset, and thought i had done something wrong, well i dont think that anymore, im just not getting upset over it, im not chasing her asking her anything, im just not distrubing my serenity over it. Live and Let Live.
The old me----cuss, blame...and just act like a ass, and then my sister would of told me, i was blowing everything out of proportion. So I just leave her and my nephews alone.....
I love my family, but im not begging them to forgive me, i have prayed to my hp for forgiveness, and i was willing, and it is not my job to make anyone forgive me. it is what it is. out of my control.
It has taken me doing a thorough 4th step to get to this point. And you can too.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 3, 2012 13:40:00 GMT -8
luv, thats is good too hear, just take it easy, you know your pmsing, so just relax.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 3, 2012 14:23:04 GMT -8
That's actually not a recovery miracle. A recovery miracle would be that he didn't apologize but you were OK anyway. It's hard not to allow others to influence how you feel inside. But a large part of recovery is being OK within yourself DESPITE what others say and do. This is challenging. But you need to practice, practice, practice. PS. I also had a narcissist father. He was also an alcoholic, a gambler, a con man, a compulsive liar, a sex addict, a drug addict and a sociopath. You CAN become healthy, but you need to find your grounding and your center.  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 4, 2012 1:35:58 GMT -8
Sorry for the confusion, I guess I meant to say that his telling you sorry, is not part of YOUR recovery work (it didn't come from within you). But like you said, it's a GIFT he gave you. And that is a miracle! I'm glad you were given this gift.
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