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Post by Freetolive on Apr 22, 2012 17:59:15 GMT -8
Seems my feelings of worthlessness has resurfaced the last two days. School is over for the semester in the next two weeks. Which is good. I think the stress of it all starts this stuff again. I also believe that my test score on a past test from last week started this as well. I'm going to get a notebook and start paying attention to the cycle. I wanted to act out last night sexually with a acquaintance, but i didn't. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. So instead of hitting my knees, I acted out to porn. I've been trying not to beat myself up today, but it seems the cycle of hate or disappointment or fear of never changing or getting through this semester has been so strong today. looks like shame will cause me to shame myself. Maybe this is just a lesson, that I need to walk through, so I'll learn whatever it is I need to learn. Just wanted to share this, I'm hoping it is going to leave. I felt lonely today too.
It's strange to, but it seems as though God is not close during these times. Well, he is but then he's not. If that makes any sense. One minute I know he is, I feel his presence or well being, then it leaves.
I stumbled across John Bradshaw Audio I have on my itunes player. Again, it seemed to make a lot of sense. I wished there was someone around here that focused on that sort of recovery.
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Post by bklynrn on Apr 23, 2012 2:48:12 GMT -8
Hi Free--Shame will keep you in the cycle. I know it's easy for me to say this on this end of the computer but let that shame go!!! Forgive yourself and tell yourself it's OK. I had to let go of a WHOLE LOT of shame Free and also learn to be PATIENT with the process. The shame and things that tell us that things are not happening fast enough and feeling not good enough are simply the child in us..that wounded child. Take care of yourself and tell yourself you will be ok--TODAY. I know what it means to feel lonely. I felt lonely while surrounded by a bunch of people but that too passes with this process. Just feel this--as difficult as it is and know that it actually becomes part of your inner strength. It really does. Hold on to all your positive attributes. You know what they are and keep that close to you when you feel these moments of lows. It passes!! Hang in there
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Post by Freetolive on Apr 23, 2012 5:07:13 GMT -8
The hardest part is when I see myself struggling because I could have done this with school, or studying or house work or whatever. The shame is so strong of an emotion, it's like it grips me. Strange stuff. It's like just want to scream it's so strong, it creates some sort of rage. It's like, if a teacher or some authority figure has anything smart to say that seems to put me down, I'm on the attack mode. It's like little stuff starts to make me go off. Maybe I need a meeting.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 23, 2012 5:29:04 GMT -8
Yes. Get to a meeting! I wish I could go to more, I'm loving them at the moment. Good you are using the forum to work this stuff out and see more under the surface. It can bring a lot of clarity, just writing something like that out and knowing it will be witnessed. Good for you.
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Post by bklynrn on Apr 23, 2012 6:09:00 GMT -8
Free--we can unknowingly hide behind shame sometimes. For me, behind the shame was anger and RAGE...i turned all the anger and rage inward and the result was the shame. It is intense Free--I know what you mean. Try a meeting and see how that works. I needed to direct my anger at those I was angry with and journal and feel the anger for those who hurt me....not easy but once I started that, I had a release from the urges that would take over my mind and body www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/what-we-get-wrong-about-shame |
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 23, 2012 9:37:54 GMT -8
free,
Having completed my masters two years ago and suffering this awful disease, I can really relate to the porn thing. With stress from all sides the pornaholic stage in us provides much needed relief. You will get over this. Don't be ashamed about the very reason for our existence - ie reproduction of the species. The designer of the human body knew exactly what they were doing when they created it . The porn industry designed their art well when they put it on the internet. Don't be kicking yourself. Love yourself, forgive yourself and do some much needed inner child work.
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Post by Freetolive on Apr 23, 2012 14:53:49 GMT -8
After posting last night, I went to my notebook and started writing about how much I'm loved by God. i prayed and sleep well. Went to school today and things worked out for the better. Still have a ways to go. I was able to release some of the shame/pain this morning through prayers, music and tears. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know God is healing me, I just wished he would hurry up. LOL. But don't we all.  I found this snapping turtle in my front yard today, so i took her back to the creek behind the house. It was a beautiful walk and she was happy to find the creek.  [/img] Here is a link to my photos I took today. s299.photobucket.com/albums/mm306/candymanfloyd/I%20took%20a%20walk%20today/?albumview=slideshow |
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