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Post by lacypooh on Apr 27, 2012 19:12:42 GMT -8
Being assertive Is still somewhat of a scary concept to me, but I've noticed I have become more assertive, especially when I have been put in tough spots. Even at work it has been easier to stick up for myself. It's so sad that there are ppl like me & others who can be kind of spineless and I never attributed the whole no back bone thing to low self esteem. It seems like raising self esteem is kind of hard to do, it takes a lot of work, but the alternative is feeling like you're not good enough and allowing others to treat you as such as well. So, I rather continue to work on my self esteem, even though I haven't done in real work in this area in awhile. I bought the self esteem work book back in December and haven't read one word of it yet. I did do some previous work from another self esteem book I had, but I got to half the book and stopped.
Despite that, my self esteem has improved greatly, at least in terms of being able to be more assertive, but, I know I still have a lot of growing to do. It starts in the mind, changing my perception of myself. Of course I turn to my HP, my creator for this, I pray, but in faith I have to act.
That's what recovery is, action. Us intentionally changing the way we think and in turn the way we act.
What are your thoughts on being assertive? Is it easy for you? Does it make you nervous? What tips can you share for others to be more assertive?
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 28, 2012 10:52:06 GMT -8
Butterfly,
I think you have hit the nail on the head a couple of times recently. I think that assertiveness (lack of) is the flip side of the obsession coin. We are not assertive because we are obsessive and allow our LA's to be assertive for us. Even if that means they are assertive against us!!! Lack of assertiveness and obsession means we abdicate our power in controlling our lives to another. This leads to low or non-existent self esteem.
This esteem needs to be built up if we are to un-abdicate our power from another to ourselves again. I think recovery from LA is absolutely impossible without a fully powered up self esteem machine inside us.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 28, 2012 11:27:09 GMT -8
Mantras,
This thread has struck a chord with me. I have talked about my mobile phone mantras which are written about my ExPOA. I think I need to start evolving away from mantraing about her and coming up with some positive mantras about me.Tthis will I believe not only reinforce my LA recovery but by building up my self esteem i can then tackle the bullies in work in a more assertive way. I'm going to try that from tonight . If it works, I'll open a thread about it. Recovery from LA I believe is evolutionery,not entirely revolutionery. The real pain occurs during the revolutionry phase when we start taking control of our lives again. The real process I believe is evolutionry because our LA sickness was created this way.
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Post by Loving My Life on Apr 28, 2012 14:49:44 GMT -8
butterfly, when i first got sober, i had to learn how to be assertive, im a people pleasers and codependent, yes it is uncomfortable at first, anything new is uncomfortable, but with practice is does get easier, and people learn your are not a doormat, and your not going to be manipulated, they will not keep bothering you. I bought a book, "When I say no, I feel guilty, by manuel j smith" it is a best seller on assertiveness. And what I have learned it is okay to say NO, if something is bothering us, and we feel like someone is pushing is to do something we dont want too, all we have to do is say NO, and we dont owe them a explanation either. We dont have to say iam sorry for blah blah blah. we can just say no...period. It takes practice, practice, practice. Keep us informed how being assertive works out for you. I know for myself, people dont call me anymore asking for money, cigs, or rides. Now it is kind of nice not having to run from these same folks, worried that they might ask me for something. I dont mind helping anyone, just dont make it a habit.
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Post by vivian on Apr 30, 2012 6:32:33 GMT -8
Theres something to think about for me. I have a neighbor that asks me to give her and her children rides all the time. In the beginning it wasnt a problem. Mostly it was home from school, and i had to drive anyway, so that didnt really matter. but soon she began to ask me all the time, also when i wasnt going to drive. Last weekend she even asked me to set off a whole day (saturday) to drive for her, because it was raining, and she didnt want to wait for the bus in the rain. i felt stressed, and i do want weekends to be about my family, and if we spontaneously wanted to go somewhere, so i could not spend all day driving for her, just because she didnt want to take the bus.. (The rain wasnt so bad either). And then when i had to say no i instantly felt guilt, and that i had to have a good excuse for it, so i didnt clearly make my statement, and just said that maybe we would go somewhere my family and i, so i couldnt say yes. But then she found out we were still at home, and asked me if i could drive, now that we weren't going anywhere. and i said that maybe we would be going later, so i still couldnt drive for her.. Omg i hate the feeling i get from this.. and then i stress about it all day :S I have to learn to say no, and that its ok to do so!
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