|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 1, 2012 10:17:43 GMT -8
i just have to say it...recovery is kicking a*** right now. Everything in my life appears to be green lighted, it's just a case of trying to find a balance between the excitement and overwhelm, and the still occasional lapse into pain and confusion.
It's so much better than any fantasy of a man taking care of me was ever going to be. Mainly because it's just a fantasy, and not real, and as I go on, I'm understanding that I get to live my life the way I chose now, and I'm really enjoying it! If I sound surprised, its because I am. I never thought I would be someone like this.
In my bi-weekly CoDA meetings over the last month I notice that the predominate feelings I have are peace, happiness and excitement.
I just want to yell it out on this board- RECOVERY will give you what are looking for! Get into a 12 step program! Find a new family! Learn what it feels like to relax! Start to let yourself enjoy life! Anything IS possible, if you can trust that there's a better way to living than how you've been doing it so far.
And if you want to stay doing what you're doing, that's fine too. Just had to say my bit. Touch wood!
|
|
|
|
Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 1, 2012 13:09:37 GMT -8
Awesome! And you are Awesome! Recovery is Awesome! A guy in my recovery group told another member how to recover..in a speech...I understood and agreed with every word he said, and when he was done I stood up and applauded. 2 years ago I felt totally overwhelmed and so emmeshed in stress that when he said the same speech it seemed alomost impossible that I could feel that free of the obsessive thoughts and the constant need and fixing. Yay!
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 1, 2012 14:41:00 GMT -8
Yay alright!!! It's so great to read your responses! It seemed impossible to me too Healing. I used to admire women I came across in life who seemed to be able to care for themselves. I could feel that they were settled inside and I had NO IDEA how they were doing it, but I knew I wanted to be like that. I honestly thought there was NO WAY it was ever going to happen, because I wasn't like that. I thought I just wasn't that kind of person, like its a "type". But it's not. It's a state of being, that for me, has come through all the hard work and luck and grace of recovery, and, truthfully, from the sheer hell of addiction.
Everything that has happened to me HAD to happen, with what I was believing about life. I got these parents who were so woefully equipped to bring up babies. My mother's barely-holding-it-together life nose-dived into her own hell of alcoholism and depression when I was 9. There was nothing she could do about it. My father's life followed as she tore him down off his pedestal out of hate and resentment. I was this totally innocent bystander, whose beliefs were changed with a deep wounding from those years, ad I continued to tear those wounds open myself, even after they seemed like they could be gone. Eventually they festered. As they must, to be healed.
Sorry about the wound metaphor, I'm feeling a bit queasy now!
I love you guys and I can't wait to see lots more posts here about how your life has changed, even if it's only a little bit! IT IS REAL.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on May 1, 2012 16:06:52 GMT -8
Hey now...not all of us men are a$$holes.....  Some of us can be caring and loving individuals. Sadly some of us seem to be cursed in finding the wrong women.  Much the same way good, decent women seem to hook up with the wrong guys.... |
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on May 1, 2012 17:06:21 GMT -8
There are plenty of good, decent men and women out there, absolutely. When I (1) respect boundaries, mine and others and (2) follow The Golden Rule, I attract those good, decent folks, and vice-versa !
HaveFaith
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 1, 2012 21:37:32 GMT -8
Fot the record, I'm not saying for a moment that all men are anything negative! I'm saying this life and focus I've got now is so much better than the life and focus ON men that I had. It's like an alcoholic saying "This is so much better than alcohol". That's not saying alcohol is bad and toxic. Just used inappropriately, it's devastating.
So BACK TO RECOVERY talk! Max, do you have anything else you relate to with this topic?
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on May 2, 2012 2:33:58 GMT -8
Yes, Jacarandagirl -- it is not men/women who are the negative factors here. For me, it is the addiction that has skewed my perception and had me using men to feed the beast of addiction. And throughout my years of addictive acting-out, I have had a decent, loving, caring man (my husband) who has never given up on me. SO, he's not the 'problem' -- I am, in my addictive state, which I'm working on managing, before I lose everything...
HaveFaith
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 2, 2012 3:02:15 GMT -8
Yep. Anything can be used addictively, hey. Regarding your husband, I heard someone talking about their husband who stuck by them, understandingly, while they did everything to push him away, including some very codependent behaviours. They couldn't trust that he was really there for them. Is that what it's like for you havefaith?
|
|
|
|
Post by Herenow on May 2, 2012 3:08:31 GMT -8
Jaca so great to read how recovery is working for you!! Enjoy you have earned everyone of these green lights!!
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 2, 2012 3:30:21 GMT -8
Thanks diane. I am enjoying it all so much more than I ever used to be able to. I was sharing in my CoDA group that I used to feel like a duck and the good things were like water off my back. I couldn't "absorb" kindness and caring. Not how it should be! And not how it is anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by Havefaith on May 2, 2012 4:07:48 GMT -8
No, jaca, it's not like that for me. He's very healthy, no co-dependent behaviors, and never engaged in the "Dance of Codependency" with me! He was raised in a healthy family -- mom, dad and five sisters and understands women. He treats me with a healthy respect and love. And like you, I also couldn't "absorb kindness and caring" -- hence, I found partners with whom I could stay emotionally unavailable, and vice-versa. I was a master at compartmentalizing my life; I could keep a POA on the side and still manage to function in a marriage -- classic addict behavior. But -- I KNOW that is deceptive and wrong on all levels. Ultimately, it is no way to live and nobody wins. Addiction destroys all semblance of normalcy -- and I am working hard to walk away from self-destructive behaviors. One day at a time.
HaveFaith
|
|
|
|
Post by Chosen on May 2, 2012 4:22:29 GMT -8
Jaca I'm glad to know how much you've progressed even in terms of HP/God. I've been here since late 2010 so I did notice how your recovery is working. Keep it up. And yeah recovery is so much better!  |
|
|
|
Post by lilila on May 2, 2012 5:32:11 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing Jacaranda, I´m so happy for you!
Your posts always give me hope. I notice NC is giving me a sense of serenity more and more often, though my emotions do get in turmoil every now and then. It´s almost like when I´m feeling better for a while, I plunge into feeling bad again and I have to start all over.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on May 2, 2012 12:31:42 GMT -8
Jaca...I was just kidding. I know completely what you meant and I'm happy for you! I long for the day of no thoughts of POA, along with no urges to see, speak or talk to my POA and look forward to days and nights filled with peace, happiness and excitement as opposed to turmoil, sadness and loneliness. I've faltered over the past few weeks but have gone back to n/c and hoping to distance myself from my POA....its just the way it has to be if I want my old self back and the insanity gone.
|
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on May 2, 2012 14:19:01 GMT -8
I hope the men on this board will take this thread with a grain of salt. I love you guys.
Susan
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 3, 2012 4:11:22 GMT -8
Maybe I should have called this thread "THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY OBSESSION WITH MEN". Because men are not the problem in my eyes.
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 3, 2012 8:24:27 GMT -8
Halalujah!
And glad to hear you shout it out. When you're ready for the next phase let me know and I can help you through it! (Yes, there is a new phase after the enlightened phase! There are many more phases to go through!) The important thing is, you are at a spectacular point in your life right now, which will act as a catalyst to take you even further.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 4, 2012 4:38:13 GMT -8
Oh good! I like knowing I've got a mentor for the next phase! Thanks LJ! By the way, is that stage oevrwhelm and over-committment? Because, like your plumber, I'm struggling with saying no to things. I did ring the person at the far end of the scale and tell them I couldn't do the thing I promised (for free, though). Felt very good. But I have so much work and projects hotting up. And a study course with assessments due. I'm really in up to my neck this week. I cancelled my Byron Katie session but am loath to stop CoDA.
|
|
|
|
Post by LovelyJune on May 4, 2012 7:06:15 GMT -8
The biggest issue I dealt with after I came out of la la land was MANAGING my life. For some strange reason, once I recovered I thought nothing bad will ever happen to me again (in part, I thought this way because I recognized that I would NEVER go back to dating the kind of men I dated, and I felt a modicum of control over my life). But there's so much we cannot control and learning how to manage stuff is HARD, especially if you've been avoiding all kinds of (emotional) responsibility your whole life. Your challenge may be different from mine. One thing is for sure, the "enlightenment" feeling will wear off (hang on to it as long as you can) and it will be replaced with the bare bones reality of living without that enlightened feeling. This is not an impossible or unpleasant task. But you start to relearn that life is not all about extreme HIGHS and low LOWS. It's about something deeper. I'm still not sure what. This is also not to say that failure will happen or you'll "go back" (although some do). It is to say that now that you are choosing to grow up, part of your responsiblity to yourself is to be patient with yourself, forgive yourself, and have a healthy back up for when you fall.  You'll be fine! All learning is FUN. |
|
|
|
Post by Herenow on May 5, 2012 3:48:48 GMT -8
LJ,
I love this last post, I think that happened to me too. I had to realize life is, life happens and it is my responsibility to grow up and live my life. And that seems to be where I am now, living my life, really living it rather than living someone else's idea about what my life should look like, or worse still living someone else's life! LOL. I agree life is not about the highs or lows, its about being present to what is in front of me, here, now and letting myself be with what is vs. what I want. That's not to say there isn't a whole lot of what I want in my life, but some things I just cannot control and I have to accept what comes my way. And now I chose to live my life with dignity and grace. That is a big one for me. It feels good growing up emotionally.
Recovery is fabulous regarding getting out of the whole addiction thing, but life can be tough and trying as well as joyous and plentiful.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jacarandagirl on May 5, 2012 17:29:00 GMT -8
There is such a fundamental difference to living with the responsiblity for my own life, firmly on my own shoulders, to living with the hope that HE will provide what I need. The turning around to find out if I can provide it. Certainly very sobering. I read something I wrote a long time ago (last year! Eons ago  about how I could feel the pull to just "stay stoned" with my PoA...which for me would be just staying with him and numbing myself however I could manage it. MY GOD i'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. It could have gotten so much worse for me. I feel like I'm on a new horizon now of the next phase of my life, WITHOUT the pain of a man who can't be there for me. I have my history, and my father is one of those men, and there is still pain, but I can move on without that...underlying fear. That I'm not good enough, and it's my fault. Now it doesn't feel like that, and it doesn't feel like it's their fault either. |
|
|
|
Post by brainhealth on May 6, 2012 10:35:35 GMT -8
Max,
I was thinking it was ladies day at the golf club for a moment........ And yes Susan, I keep a few grains of salt for threads of this nature...........it helps us men to laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves too seriously!
Brainhealth
|
|
Much the same way good, decent women seem to hook up with the wrong guys.... 
You'll be fine! All learning is FUN. 
about how I could feel the pull to just "stay stoned" with my PoA...which for me would be just staying with him and numbing myself however I could manage it. MY GOD i'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. It could have gotten so much worse for me. I feel like I'm on a new horizon now of the next phase of my life, WITHOUT the pain of a man who can't be there for me. I have my history, and my father is one of those men, and there is still pain, but I can move on without that...underlying fear. That I'm not good enough, and it's my fault. Now it doesn't feel like that, and it doesn't feel like it's their fault either. 