|
|
Post by alone51 on May 1, 2012 12:21:53 GMT -8
I haven't seen my POA in 4 months. I'm meeting with her today at her office because she also happens to be one of my agents in the entertainment field, and we have to go over some new pictures. We used to hang out as friends (for nearly 6 years) and always got along great. But last year, I made the mistake of falling in love with her. When she picked up on my signals, she did a disappearing act. She was no longer available to get together, and her emails and phone calls stopped. I suppose I could have simply asked her out on a proper date instead of hinting at it. I have a major fear of rejection, so I wanted to be more subtle about my approach. Of course, had she felt the same way about me, we would have wound up together romantically regardless.
We re-established contact when I called her last week just to say hello, and she just happened to be trying to find a home for a stray dog (she does animal rescues). I offered to help her out, and our conversation was no different than it had ever been. I'm sure she's hoping that I've gotten over my little crush, but it's unlikely that she's going to want to start hanging out with me again.
The problem is, of course, I'm not over her. I still obsess over her and wonder if she's dating anyone. Because I've never had a girlfriend or even had sex, the mystery of that type of intimacy has been my cross to bear for over 30 years (I'm 51). I keep telling myself that there is no hope for a relationship with her, but I simply can't let go. This has been a pattern of mine ever since high school. I fall for someone and it takes over my life. I'm convinced that if I had her in my life, I would be 100% happier than I am now. And I also keep wondering what I did wrong.
I'm not a stalker; I've never followed a woman or deluded myself into believing that we're in a relationship when we weren't. I'm perfectly sane, but being without my POA is making me miserable. I've asked out other women in the past 4 months, but they weren't interested. I feel trapped, and the thought of her with another guy has brought me to tears. I realize she has the right to date whomever she wants, but I just wish she would give me a chance. I'm tired of being alone, and I truly feel that she and I would enrich each other's lives if she would only give me a shot.
Thanks for reading this. My nerves are in tangles today, and I'm a bit embarrassed because this is the behavior of a 14-year-old, not a man my age. I have a job, I work out, am in good health otherwise, and still have a passion for my acting career. But this addiction I've had most of my life brings all of that to a halt when I'm in the middle of it.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on May 1, 2012 16:16:28 GMT -8
alone51.....you need to go to Vegas...  But seriously. I know how you feel and what you are going through. God, if I were 4 months into not seeing my POA I hope and pray I would have the strength and courage to not see her again. The thoughts of POA being with another guy enter my brain too but it is inevitable. We always want what we cannot have. Love that isn't reciprocated sucks. But somehow we must see it for what it is and try to move on. As for your rejection from other women. Hey man, just get back on that bike. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger....but I get where you are coming from. I myself am beginning to feel like a one legged man in an a$$ kicking contest. Try to redirect your thoughts of POA to something else. Stop dwelling on being alone....stop thinking she is the only one for you and the key to your happiness. You will find someone. Stay strong!!!! |
|
|
|
Post by alone51 on May 4, 2012 16:57:07 GMT -8
Thanks Max. As it turned out, I didn't see my POA the other day because she was very busy with clients. It wasn't a brush-off; I saw all the people waiting for her when I arrived at the building (I was actually there to see one of her colleagues anyway). She sent me an email later telling me we would have to try again another time. Of course, I have mixed feelings about it. Seeing her again will probably kill me and goes against everything this board is about. But I'll just see how it plays out. I might wind up telling her how I feel to get it off my chest. At least then I'll know I've done all I can.
You're not the first person to suggest Vegas. But I don't want my first time to be with a prostitute. I want it to be a shared, intimate experience -not a business transaction. I think I would feel even worse if I knew the only time I'd ever had sex was because I paid a hooker. I'd like to think that some woman somewhere will find me desirable, even this late in life.
|
|
|
|
Post by overcome on May 9, 2012 15:48:29 GMT -8
Try not to see her if you can stand it. It's going to make you crazy. If the meeting goes well, you'll beat yourself up for not taking advantage of the moment. If it goes bad, you'll beat yourself up for what you should or shouldn't have done. You know this person is a problem for you and you know, deep down, they aren't interested. That's why you are addicted to them. Stay away and work on healing yourself. It's not late - if you are in shape, then 51 is still young!
|
|
|
|
Post by wahinewha on May 9, 2012 17:32:38 GMT -8
You were her friend for 6 years? Then you fell in love with her? What happened to change the dynamics of the friendship? For me it was the passing of my Mum, went from friendship to addiction. When you see situations that happened to cause us to become addicted you see reality in true form e.g. I would've never attached myself to my POA if my Mother had never have passed. You sound like a wonderful man who needs encouragement to start asking ladies out on dates rather then still being obsessed with her 4 months later. Start with one of your other female friends (to gain confidence), and move from there. Everyday counts at 51, don't waste a second.
|
|
|
|
Post by lilila on May 9, 2012 17:46:18 GMT -8
Max, I don´t know if I should say this but I don´t think it´s very common for the first time to be a shared, intimate experience. I´ve yet to hear of someone who even liked his/her first sexual experience, I think nerves and insecurity get too much in the way for it to be pleasurable. So don´t attach too much importance to it being the first time. If you expect everything to be "just so" it´ll always turn out to be a disappointment and I can imagine how all those expectations would make you extra insecure - unnecesarily so.
|
|
|
|
Post by alone51 on May 10, 2012 14:45:58 GMT -8
You were her friend for 6 years? Then you fell in love with her? What happened to change the dynamics of the friendship? For me it was the passing of my Mum, went from friendship to addiction. When you see situations that happened to cause us to become addicted you see reality in true form e.g. I would've never attached myself to my POA if my Mother had never have passed. You sound like a wonderful man who needs encouragement to start asking ladies out on dates rather then still being obsessed with her 4 months later. Start with one of your other female friends (to gain confidence), and move from there. Everyday counts at 51, don't waste a second. Last December, my feelings started to change because I found myself sexually attracted to her for the first time, probably because I've always been attracted to her and just never wanted to admit it. We had been spending more time together, and she was always telling me how lonely she was (yes - I know - it's a classic case of me being the Nice Guy and always being there for her). The logic in my brain said that I should be dating this woman because we have terrific chemistry, I make her laugh, etc. I hoped that instead of looking for some fantasy woman to be my girlfriend, here was a perfectly lovely girl right in front of me. I know the world doesn't work that way, and she will probably continue to pursue unavailable, bad-boy types that will only use her and leave her. The problem is, I'm too virtuous for my own good. Women like men with an edge, and being chivalrous and thoughtful with women has never won their hearts for me. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason why feelings change. I know a lot of couples who started off as friends and wound up lovers. |
|
|
|
Post by alone51 on May 11, 2012 22:54:52 GMT -8
Well, after 5 months, I finally saw my POA today at her office. I had go by to meet with her about some new pictures we're going to use for auditions. I knew it would be difficult seeing her, but I felt I needed to face my fear. Not surprisingly, she looked more beautiful than ever, but I was able to keep my feelings in check. Considering she knows (or suspects) how I feel about her, we got along well just like the old days - we laughed, got caught up on what we'd been doing, and she even asked me to look after her cat while she's out of town next weekend (this requires her giving me a key to her apartment which she's done in the past). So she obviously trusts me enought to allow me access to her private home again while she's not there. My guess is she's hoping I've given up the idea of dating her and am willing to simply be friends again. Of course, this is up to me. If I want to be her friend and be a part of her life only in that capacity, then I'll have to let go of all my sexual and romantic fantasies about her. But I know I'm not there yet. I still love her deeply and want to be in a relationship with her.
I know many of you reading this are probably yelling "NOOO!!" at your computer screen, meaning that I should break off all contact. But I'm just not ready. 5 months seemed like an eternity, and seeing her today made me realize that she is The One (if there's even such a thing anymore). I know that if she felt I was her One, we'd be dating without any question.
Please know that I'm not delusional. I know she's not attracted to me like I am to her. I'm not going to start sending her flowers or holding up boomboxes outside her bedroom window with Peter Gabriel blasting out of it (some of you will understand that reference ;D). But my heart will eventually cave in and force me to tell her how I feel. I'm not planning to make a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't eventually tell her.
When I went through this same thing five years ago with another woman, I swore I would never let it happen again. I couldn't imagine getting hung up on a girl who just wasn't interested in me, especially at my age. But the main driving force behind this repeated pattern is a lifelong lack of any intimacy with a woman. No sex, no girlfriend, not even the "other things" that couples do. As I mentioned, I don't want to go to a prostitute, so I have to keep on believing I'm good enough to be wanted by more conventional means.
Thanks for reading this. I have to admit that I don't believe in Higher Powers (I'm an atheist), so I have to find strength from within as well as from friends and forums.
|
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on May 12, 2012 2:30:45 GMT -8
Alone51. Do you think you can just be friends with this woman? If you can't you will just be putting yourself through more torture. Love that isn't reciprocated is torture. Trust me I have been there while trying to do the friend thing.
You've been away from her for 5 months. You say she's probably hoping that you've finally given up on any romantic feelings for her, but you yourself just said "shes the one".
As long as you continue to put this woman on a pedestal you will NEVER get over her AND never find someone else, someone who is willing to reciprocate love.
I'm not trying to be harsh and probably sound like a hypocrite to some but man those of us who continue to pursue someone who doesn't have the same feelings as us or is just unattainable is just a colossal waste of time and unhealthy.
If you can handle just being friends fine but if you start obsessing over her, wondering who she is out with, have jealous feelings, think about her all the time....it will just snowball quickly into insanity and trust me I know all about this insanity with a friend. Good luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by maxheadcase on May 12, 2012 2:37:02 GMT -8
Question to others: Is it possible that when you know someone is unhealthy for you, when you know their love is unattainable but you have a hard time letting go and moving on that subconsciously you start doing things that drive your POA away?
|
|
|
|
Post by overcome on May 12, 2012 4:36:10 GMT -8
Question to others: Is it possible that when you know someone is unhealthy for you, when you know their love is unattainable but you have a hard time letting go and moving on that subconsciously you start doing things that drive your POA away? Yes, but this is generally attributed to the classic avoidant - anxious dynamic. You feel them distancing, so you pursue more, they distance even more, etc. You are pursuing (knowing deep down they are unavailable) because at the root of it - you are afraid of intimacy. They are too, but they express that in the opposite way. Sometimes they may genuinely interested in you, sometimes not - as is generally the case in friendships where this happens. It keeps you from concentrating on finding a real relationship. |
|
|
|
Post by Chosen on May 12, 2012 5:53:01 GMT -8
Alone51, you reminded me of my ex. He proposed to me since I was a teen but like your friend, I only see him as someone I could trust. Many years have gone by with him getting NOTHING out of it but he still chooses to continue WAITING AND WAITING. He is one of the best men I have ever known but I just could not be with him. He is much older than I am but he remains single and available “for me”. He is probably a virgin too.
Would you rather stay that way with her or move on from where you are right now? It is your life and choice, but I am only suggesting that you may want to consider your options. We only have one life to live and so we have to take care of it and make the wisest choices possible.
|
|
|
|
Post by alone51 on May 12, 2012 12:32:40 GMT -8
Alone51, you reminded me of my ex. He proposed to me since I was a teen but like your friend, I only see him as someone I could trust. Many years have gone by with him getting NOTHING out of it but he still chooses to continue WAITING AND WAITING. He is one of the best men I have ever known but I just could not be with him. He is much older than I am but he remains single and available “for me”. He is probably a virgin too. Would you rather stay that way with her or move on from where you are right now? It is your life and choice, but I am only suggesting that you may want to consider your options. We only have one life to live and so we have to take care of it and make the wisest choices possible. Chosen, it's hard for me to think about anyone else right now. As I mentioned, I did ask out two other women several months ago whom I only knew casually, so their rejections didn't bother me. Sure, I was disappointed, but I had nothing invested in it. My current POA is someone I've gotten to know over 6 years and with whom I've shared a lot of wonderful times and revelations. I never expected to fall in love with her, but it just happened. Max, your question is a very valid one. Trying to just be friends is something I've attempted with other POA's in the past. In every case, I've had to witness those POA's fall for someone else. I should know better by now. I would love to meet that 'someone else' who would reciprocate my feelings. But after 51 years, my hope has faded. I feel lucky to have come into the company of a few women in my age range who were willing to be friends with me (like my current POA), but that's only happened twice in seven years. I don't do the bar scene or go to clubs. I've tried online dating but got zero responses to my profile (I'd rather meet someone the old-fashioned way anyhow). Right now I feel trapped, and all of you have been so kind to read my posts and offer your suggestions. I hate, hate, HATE falling in love with women who are unavailable or uninterested. My current POA is just another is a long list of unrequited love heartaches that have afflicted me over the years. Perhaps a lobotomy is in order...  |
|
|
|
Post by makingchanges on Jun 26, 2012 11:47:48 GMT -8
Hello, thanks for sharing. I relate to "My current POA is just another is a long list of unrequited love heartaches that have afflicted me over the years.", and a lot of your story. For me, it has been a constant thing, even through my marriage. Being married did not stop it a single bit.
In my marriage I battle the bonding aspect of Love addiction. In my fantasy I battle with the infatuation aspect of Love addiction.
Since coming to terms with the fact that I am a Love Addict and educating myself as much as possible, I am experiencing the first hints of relief since the problem started 20 years ago. Viewing my POA as a symptom of a deep underlying issue is pretty powerful for me. Instead of viewing her as someone special/unique/magical... she is a symptom. One that causes me a lot of pain.
As far as maintaining contact. Its really about how much pain you want to endure:) Goodness knows we are a gluten for pain when it comes to our POA. Actually getting to the point where the part of me that said "I don't want this pain" became slightly stronger than the part that said "There will be no pain", and moved me to avoid my PoA, was a huge turning point.
Use the suggestions on the board to work through recovery (its a lot of work, but very rewarding) and even though the power the PoA may not go completely away right away (as we pray for it to), it will lessen.... and lessen... I think there is a corresponding lessening of the power of the PoA, the farther you move along the recovery path. Once you get a taste of it, you will want more of that hope.
|
|
|
|
Post by lovely1 on Aug 30, 2012 17:17:58 GMT -8
Question to others: Is it possible that when you know someone is unhealthy for you, when you know their love is unattainable but you have a hard time letting go and moving on that subconsciously you start doing things that drive your POA away? YES!!! I know for a fact that the POA I was dealing with opened up every single one of my emails right. But what made me go off the deep end is that he didn't always respond to all of them. This was circa 1997 when I was using email socially for the first time. I would take his nonresponse as a personal rejection of me, and I would write long scathing emails to him. It's embarrasing to even think about it now. When I thought he was rejecting me, I'd push even harder to antagonize him. Had I treated him like everyone else--not getting angry over unreturned emails, we might still be friends. But I had feelings for him, so it's a mute point, he wasn't just *anybody* else to me at the time. That's how I fell into the addiction. |
|
|
|
Post by mixtapegirl on Aug 1, 2015 23:50:09 GMT -8
Hello alone51. I have a few thoughts about your situation, and I hope you'll give them some thought because you seem like such a thoughtful, high quality person, and I believe you can establish the relationship you seek. First, in my opinion, the way you currently define yourself is getting in the way of finding a girlfriend. As painful as it has been to be 51 and never found a girlfriend and intimacy with a woman, there is much more to who you are.
This detail might seem all-defining to you, but if you take a step back and consider your passions and life experiences and personal values, these things are far more salient to describing who you are overall. I'd recommend taking a self-inventory and looking at who you are on the bigger picture, and bringing more balance into how you view yourself and project yourself to women you want to pursue. You are much more than the things you've wanted and haven't gotten yet. I'm sure you have the social skills to not announce your lack of relationship successes to women you are pursuing, but if that is what is on your mind when you approach women, you are communicating it on a subtle level and that is a dating repellent because it places far too much responsibility on the person you're asking out - so much pressure!!!
If you define yourself to yourself, and to women you want to pursue, in a more lighthearted way and avoid the "you're the one I've been waiting for all my life" vibe, you will have a lot more success in getting through the door. Also, keep in mind, most people need to have at least five relationships before they can find someone who is truly a good match, so be prepared for the likelihood that the first few relationships will most likely not lead to eternal bliss. If you have this expectation on any level in the beginning, even if you don't say it outright, you will probably be too intimidating to women you ask out.
I know this will be a challenge, but try to think of your first few relationships as fun experiences that will be a success if they work or if they do not turn into anything because they'll bring you closer to what you're seeking. The lighthearted, yet caring approach will get you a lot more success in the dating world. Try to let go of your expectations and just get yourself out there and start dating, and most importantly - have FUN. You might be too attached to this woman to make a dating relationship work, but I say it's worth giving it a try if you approach it with the right attitude.
I'd recommend saying that you're ready to start dating again, and over the course of your friendship you've come to admire her (insert good qualities here) and how would you feel about going on a few dates just to see if it could go anywhere. Be casual, and prepare yourself for the possibility that she'll give you the "just friends" response. If she gives you that response, have an understanding smile in your pocket, (you might want to role-play this scenario so you're not so nervous) and say you understand, and ask her to keep her eyes open for someone that might be a good match for you. If she is your friend, she will want to help. If it's too weird to be her friend after this conversation, you can phase her out of your life, but right now, you have nothing to lose by asking. Also, you're making up a lot of stories about why she avoided you, who knows, she may have had other things going on in her life, maybe it's not all about you.
Sure, this might not work out, but you don't know for sure, and it's worth a shot, just do your best not to be too attached to the outcome and you'll get the best result. If you've been friends with her for six years, I wouldn't be so quick to phase her out of your life unless you are really too attached to her to just be friends. Who knows, she might set you up with someone great, or maybe she could be your wing-woman when you go to social events, and your friendship could shift to a more healthy, productive place that works for both of you. I wish the best for you!! :-)
|
|
