Post by ehobbs on May 1, 2012 14:08:29 GMT -8
ok just getting out of a relationship with married guy. not my first. i had gotten out of treatment and have abstained from alcohol and eating disorder bev. mostly women in tx and when i left i was very focused on sex and men. he is unavailable and also bit of a public figure plus super handsome . when we met it was all chemical attraction. the sex was great but it was super heighened with fantasy and the unattainability. also i kept raising the bar sexually to keep the heightened feelings going. in the end many times we were together i thought about public images of him and that would get me to get off to a higher degree sexually. not really having sex with him but the thought of him. i also enjoyed seeing him in public and knowing that i have been intimate with that man. i have shirts of his that i had been sleeping in and i spray his cologne on them and my pillow to relieve the tension. i spray it in my purse to do the same thing. exercise also seems to alleviate it. some of the times when it would get closer for us to be together the longing for me would go down and i would become a bit less interested in being together. he asked for NC - cold turkey nothing he is afraid of wife finding out. he is very afraid of being found out. he says he will contact me via phone when he is traveling but i have little hope of that occurring although he is not liar and has been upfront all along. why i would want that who knows? i am still shocked but it was only 2 days ago. last night no tshirt or cologne. i put away our mementos and didnt read the series of texts we have. this is something i did to "feel connected" and relive the events of our time together. i also deleted pictures of him and havent done any web surfing. this is just for today and i have asked HP for help both yesterday and today. i am going to meetings and waiting now for a another one to start. they seem to alleviate the new anxiety i am facing. yes i have dad and mom abandonment issues i am sure this has to do with my inner child wanting to change the way things occurred in my childhood. also i did a lot of longing and fantasy in my childhood to make sense of my situation then. i guess i am still doing it. i have a pull to get involved with someone else and even after he broke up contacted 3 potential new guys. but i dont feel any type of high for them. i also dont want to get them involved in my messiness. those men would just be a way for me to get a mini fix but right now they are lower grade heroin then my POA and wont really do the trick. in the past the way i could get over someone was to have sex with someone else. who knows what will happen this time. God grant me serrenity. i cant change this situation and need to accept. give me strength. thank you spirit
