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Post by bklynrn on May 15, 2012 4:30:31 GMT -8
I was just surfing through some of John Bradshaw's books and video clips after HaveFaith mentioned him to me.
I really like his take on the Inner child and how important it is to heal this part of ourselves. I have been doing this work since I started recovery but mostly when an issue would come up within my family or after reading and some old wounds were triggered.
I'm sure I mentioned this before but the very core of my issues intimacy issues, Love avoidance and co-dependency are NOT with any of the relationships I had with men but with my family of origin. I don't hold any hard feelings for any of the men from my past. I truly don't. They were not my problem. My ex of 11 years and I actually have a decent working friendship now--for the sake of our son. He's has his issues and I have mine and that's it.
The biggest wound I still have is with my mom and that one needs to be tended to a little bit more. That needs some serious healing time. I have my father wound too but my mother can still have an effect on me now. She's still a living force in my life. I have confronted her in my recent past but I feel the need to confront her some more and pose new boundaries with her. Avoidance only helps for so long and keeps the lies alive.
Anyway, I started writing out some new goals for myself and writing some more memories out. I have so many and sometimes get bombarded with so much at once. I have PTSD and it's typical to get ''flooded'' and sometimes I wish I was one of those people with no memories.
In therapy and In a very purposeful way, I'm going to have take a memory and event written out on paper--process it--feel it--go to it--then crumble up that paper and throw it out. I may even write it all out and send it to my mother...maybe.
I attached a couple mini video clip. John Bradshaw mentions how as a child we idealize the parent and make them ok and we make ourselves bad. How many of us do this in our adult relationships? I know I have...well, off to do some more writing and work. Then taking a much needed break to have a 50 minute healing massage at the Dahn Yoga center.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 16, 2012 17:36:21 GMT -8
bklynrn...I love John Bradshaw's work...I met him in Philadelphia when he was doing a workshop in 2007. It was titled after the book he wrote, "The shame that binds you". In 2007 was the beginning of my recovery.....for me its an ongoing journey....I have done alot of work on my inner child and for me its a One day at a time. Once i went back into the pain and trauma of my unresloved childhood trauma's I was then faced with,,,giving it an adult way of thinking and not from the child thinking...that always kept me in the pain and traumatic event as it was. For me this could only be done with supports of professionals....I remember for years I got books and workbooks and wrote out my feelings...and how i processed those feelings...and then i wrote my father a letter and then my mother a letter....and to be quite honest with you....they never saw it my way of course....and all they got was defensive and made me feel like it was just me and they did nothing wrong....Being in therapy taught me never to write the letter and send it to them...because of the effect that i have already said....What was explained to me was to write the letter and read it to my sponsor or someone that i trust only to validate my feelings and thoughts... There were times i put the letters in my God box and times i burned them,,,but i never sent them again....Just by writing the letters and having someone witness my pain and feelings....was enough for me...because i already learned...the people i wrote them about...were sick and in denial....and didnt know any better. I so agree with you about setting up boundaries and keeping them with your mom....Avoidance kept me in the lies and pain too..... I would love to hear some of your goals if you would like to post them... Thanks for posting the youtube clicks....Sun
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Post by bklynrn on May 17, 2012 2:08:12 GMT -8
Thank you so much, Sun. I truly appreciate this share. It means a lot to me. The compassion comes through in your words and it all makes sense. I like the idea of a God box Yes, the last time I confronted my mom she did get defensive but i expected that response. Woulda been nice to hear--I'm sorry and I will work on that--NOT!! The sorry doesn't really cut it though cause she always says sorry but then goes back to her abusive, controlling ways. My mom had lots of abuse happen to her so this is why she is the way she is and it's as if I'm trying to let her see it so she can get a handle on it but I need to continue to focus on me. I know. I have always played parent to my mother...always!! Thank you again, Sun I'm glad you responded.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 17, 2012 7:50:40 GMT -8
your so welcomed bklynrn....I meant to response earlier when I first saw your post..... I would of loved that response from my mother as well....Maybe it could of been something like this:... Oh Susan I am so sorry I did that to you ..I really meant it this way or that way.....I didnt realize i hurt you....I am so sorry please forgive me.... Truth is this really didnt even make me feel better...I thought i would try it with you....to see if it comforted me.....and it really didnt....its best when i comfort myself....wow now thats recovery... I was told that as we grow up in the dysfunctional home..its a house full of children...no adults living with us....children raising children.... I also felt like i parented my mother as well....especially when my father was beating her and someone was trying to hurt her....i comforted her too.... Our mom's would of never of seen anything ....because they dont want to change or they dont want recovery...because they think everything is okay..... It's hard for me to even think about this...because it hurts my inner child...because i want what i want....and i cant have my mommy the way i want and deserve her....the bottom line is ...i can now give it to me...whenever I want it....and I do.....and it feels awesome....cause i trust me....and i know i will not hurt me...or ever allow anyone to hurt me again....I have a voice today... Yes staying focused on ourselves.....is the KEY....its not about them...it never was about them....we just have to adjust our brains and thinking...to the way we believed once before...and we will be fine....i believe this is why our hp comes in.....i was so brain washed to believe in all the lies....that I must have my hp do it for me...i can't ..he can and i think I'll let him....when i try to do it....(self-will) ....it never works...when i let him do it for me....it always works.... I lost my mother last August 3rd 2011....and it hasnt been easy for me....in fact it gets harder...because i lost my mommie...i have lost alot in my life....but to lost a mother...is very different....and a big big part of me and who i am....the only things that helps me..is to ACCEPT HER EXACTLY HOW SHE WAS......I love her and miss her dearly....and when i act out....i tell myself to put my big girl pants on....and i go on from there... Thanks for sharing with all of us....Sun
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Post by bklynrn on May 17, 2012 8:17:50 GMT -8
Sun, my dad died on August 3rd but in 1981..!! Sorry about your loss of your mom and when I hear people losing their mother i get even more determined to just make peace. You went through a lot, Sun. A whole lot. Again, thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
I need peace with myself and peace with the relationship with her but her words and actions cut me to the core sometimes. Sometimes to block out the intensity of what she says--I look at her as a screaming child and it makes it easier. And in reality, when that person comes up in her, she is a screaming child. Kinda sad
I do indeed need to accept her but I won't be or allow myself to be abused. She has to respect my boundaries. Abuse is not tolerable but I do want to understand her better--she's my mother. Part of my recovery is indeed acknowledging my past and feeling all the stuff that comes from it because I was numb for a very long time. Too long and not only that--my emotions about the abuse from my mother was never directed at the source--my childhood and my mother..lol. It was turned inward to myself and outward in outside relationships. Now, I know better. The awareness allowed me to redirect it to the sources but now it needs to be healed. It's coming along.
Thank you again, Sun
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 18, 2012 7:44:46 GMT -8
your welcome bklynrn...and thank you for sharing from your heart and soul....it helps me to feel better too just to talk about this....with people that can relate with me.... For me I knew the only peace I was going to get or feel was within myself...i learned it wasnt necessary to tell the person because nothing ....and i mean absolutely nothing will change with that person....only I will change....and that is really want i wanted...for God to bless them and change me....I can only seek the validation with people that can give it to me....like on these boards... It great to know you are striving for the same....Peace.... And yes that is very sad and very true...she didnt have anyone to give that to her either..... I was the one to give my mom that at times when she let me in.....and when she was scared.... The best part of this is ...that we dont pass this on to the next generation....we stop it still....in its tracks because we know better....so now we can do better.... This is our journey....its so simple to tell it....but to leave it ...One day at a time...is a whole nother process in itself.....Just keep reaching out...and it will happen.....We me ....i had to let it go and let God.....I had to turn it over and it turned out..... My mom isnt here in physical form any more...and i offen asked myself....was there anything I could of said to her ...to bring me peace....that she could of her ....absolutely not.....she knows the truth today....and i forgive me and i forgive her....and i really feel this as my truth....a month ago...i would not have been able to feel or say this to you....and i am happy to have finally felt this..within my self..... Bottom line is....as long as i continue to nurture my inner child and grow,,,,heal ....and learn....i am okay.....and i can let go of the rest.... I never really heard my mothers story...my father has told me his....and its sad...but not excusable for him to use and abuse his flesh and blood....my mom told me bits and pieces.....and i know it wasnt easy for her either.....i see how i was raised so..that in itself...tells me how she grew up..and survived her childhood... Just know we are here for you and one another.....One day at a time.......and yes the first step is our awareness ....We have to feel it to HEAL it.....and boy is that hard.....but doable.... I would like to add...that if my mom was alive today....and if i was able to and felt safe to do....i would grab her and hug and hold her and not let her go....and just tell her...i love her...and she is my mommy....i just really never felt safe to do that.....do i yearn for it....yes...but i can now give it to me....and i think i will right now......hugs to u tooo....Sun thanks for opening me up alittle and sharing this with you.....
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Post by bklynrn on May 18, 2012 10:15:09 GMT -8
Sun, this is what recovery is all about. We share ourselves from the heart and places of truth. It allows us to open up and heal. We need this this part of the process to move on and move through those blocked areas within our core. You have a very compassionate love for your Mom, Sun. I want to get there myself and your words are inspiring this part of me. I need to hear my mom's story and I know some bits and pieces already. It's not pretty and I know she's a lost and lonely soul. I do feel for her. I do...Yes, feeling this stuff is difficult and tapping into these areas is painful but after i have a day of getting this stuff out--especially with another person--it's feels safe and ok to express it. To know I'm not alone. Thank you so much Sun. Hugs to you too You're a kind woman
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 19, 2012 8:04:12 GMT -8
bklynrn...yes i so agree with you...sometimes...its just stuck inside me...and you opened that up for me again...and i do feeling the healing as the words come out ....and i share them with you....and everyone on the boards...and people i feel close with.....It took me a long time to get to where i am today.... I hope and pray you can have some comfort too....with knowing your mothers story...For me the hardest part was letting go of my pain to understand her pain....its like....her we go again...no one is knowing and understanding my pain....so my inner child...didnt want to put it aside again...for her....but...once i confronted her...and embrace my inner Suzi...i could do just about anything....awhile after my mom passed away..i was feeling so sad....i would take myself into another room and play with my mom's make up and her jewelry....and then i was fine....so once i started nurturing my inner child..i could then deal with the bigger issues...and that was understanding my mother ...and her journey.....I had to balance it out....and then Accept it...totally... Your welcome Bklynrn....anytime...the only way to keep the program is by giving it away....I think you are doing an awesome job...I know how difficult this is....for you....and you can do this...One day at a time.... When my mom was alive....and towards the end of her life when her boyfriend was treating her mean....when i would visit her...i couldnt go alone...and then when i couldnt find anyone to go with me....i would call someone in program before i got there and than after i left....so i didnt carry all of that stuff with me....it doesnt belong to us ....never did and never will....I have found that...when i brought someone with me to see my mom...he wouldnt act out...and treat her meanly....big hugs to you.....treat yourself to something nice today....Sun
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Post by bklynrn on May 19, 2012 17:27:05 GMT -8
''For me the hardest part was letting go of my pain to understand her pain....its like....her we go again...no one is knowing and understanding my pain....so my inner child...didnt want to put it aside again...for her....but...once i confronted her...and embrace my inner Suzi...i could do just about anything'' I love what you said right here Sun...this makes a lot of sense. I thought about these posts we exchanged over the past couple days and they served me well cause my mom called me at work today. At first I cringed and wanted to tell my co-worker to tell her I'm too busy but I decided to take the call. She opened up with(in a soft child like tone) ''can we talk?'' I know she feels ''bad'' for saying and doing the things she did last week. I told her we can talk but after my final exam Wednesday ,when I have a clearer mind. She seemed understanding and said she just wants to talk. I hope she doesn't go in obsessive mode in the mean time but she seemed Ok . I can't walk on egg shells anymore. I'm taking care of me...the adult and the girl. I feel I worked so much on my inner child but this stuff with my mom, is by far, the most difficult. I'm getting there though. Lets see what happens after Wednesday. I'm going in with some new boundaries but I do intend on hearing her out. Thank you again for all your support and sharing your story,Sun. It means a lot to me
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 19, 2012 20:42:11 GMT -8
Your very welcomed...bklynrn....You have helped me as well..... After I read our emails back and forth...I dont think it's a good idea to go there to have your mother talk to you,.,,,I would first talk with your counselor and see what she recommends....if she thinks this is a good idea for you....I have a bad feeling about this....You are in recovery...You have a program she doesnt....and unfortunately...i am thinking that she is sensing in the changes in you....and she will try her best to get you back the way you use to be with her.....Please postpone letting her talk with you....I just dont want to see you hurt and to be triggered again....We need to always remember not to let people places or things try to ease up into us....She will most likely never change....You are changing You are recovering....I must put my al anon shield on.....when i talk to anyone without a program....especially family....So please speak with your counselor first and your sponsor...and let me know what they suggest to you...I have a feeling you will be walking into the fire...boundaries or no boundaries.....Your mom is ill its not her fault...just dont put your self in the toxic atmosphere...maybe u can bring a friend with you....You dont need to hear her out anymore....Sun
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Post by bklynrn on May 20, 2012 1:22:00 GMT -8
Sun,this is the problem. When I ignore her she goes into a VERY typical pyshco mode. Calling over and over again. Her messeges start off nice then gets increasingly desperate, then mean and nasty then she just shows up at my job sometimes--she gets like a obessesive lover or something until I make everything ok for her....a very crazy cycle and I'm not sure what to do?!?! I learned to NOT listen to the messeges she left on my phone cause that triggered me into FEAR and wanting to rescue her from her own insanity. Just as I always did...make it ok for her but not me. I learned and set some boundaries with her...years ago, she called me EVERY DAY and I never liked that. I was rarely listening..just on the phone saying ''yea, mmm--mmm, yea''...lol. I mean she would ramble about nothing and never ask me one question about me but whatever. I did my duty... When I started recovery and moved out on my own, I began limiting calls and she freaked out. I told her she can ONLY call ONCE A WEEK. Period. That was Ok for a while but I hated listening and not being heard too...so another boundary was set and she had to give me important information only NOT her daily routines and family drama and start listening to some of my life too. THAT, she couldnt do...that's when the once a week call began to be a problem cause I would cut her calls short and tell her she's not respecting my boundary and not even hearing me..she violated other boundaries too..That's my problem with her. I put it in my recent journal. She gets vicous, nasty and with my boundaries and can just go into crazy obsessive mode by showing up at my job. She can't show up at my home--I live too far away from her now but when I lived with my ex--she would just show up. No calls, no nothing... I'm at a loss...I mean I considered NO CONTACT like people do within crazy love addicted relationships but do I need to do that with mom? My therapist ALWAYS shook her head when I brought up my mom...always said in one way or another ''don't go there''....anyway, enough about my mom..lol I have an appointment on Wednesday with my therapist anyway. If this were a man or ''friend''--there would be NO dilemma. NO contact and that's it. I have no freakin problem doing that with anyone but I have a problem doing that with my mother but if that's what needs to be done--then I will do that. Lets see what happens after wednesday. Off to work now....Have a great Sunday Thank you so much for your support Sun.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 22, 2012 7:39:30 GMT -8
bklynrn...sorry to hear about your mothers crazy cycle....sounds like she is crossing your boundaries big time..... "I'm at a loss...I mean I considered NO CONTACT like people do within crazy love addicted relationships but do I need to do that with mom? My therapist ALWAYS shook her head when I brought up my mom...always said in one way or another ''don't go there''....anyway, enough about my mom..lol" Yes I do believe you do need to do that with your mom....What bothers me the most was your therapist telling you not to go there....You are in therapy and her job is to listen to you and validate your feelings....and she is doing the opposite....and its very unprofessional and unethical...i am sure alot of her own mother issues are coming up for her.....Still and all its about you in this therapy session.....I would consider going to someone that is an addiction therapist....because what i am hearing is about addictions....al anon would be great ...have you ever gone to any al anon meetings..... When you said "anyway, enougy about my mom LOL...I can hear that you really dont know what else to do...it sounds like you have tried so many things...and she still comes back with more....and stronger......Just know i am hear for you....and i will listening to everything and anything you want to share ....i will never cut you off....Please consider another therapist....you dont need that....period.... I does sound like there needs to be a NC with your mom....Just until you have someone talk with you and try to come up with a plan for you ....this is not easy to do.....and with help you can do this....As Dr. PHil always says....what is your payoff....as much as we dont like other people doing this to us....we get a pay off as well...Sometimes we need to recognize this part of us too....Your therapist needs to be someone that will always listen to you no matter what we say to them...i dont care if you repeat the same thing every time you go there.....they still need to listen to us...and not put their bias stuff out there.... I went to my mothers unveiling on sunday....and it turned out very beautiful....and i am glad its over and done.. It was hard to do....My sister had text me the night before to ask me a question...i let her go to my hp...because i thought she would emotionally shut me out....and ignore me...but i gave it to my hp...and she did text me....and i texted her back with an answer...she spoke to me on sunday...and i drove in her car with her up and back to the cemetery....my friends stopped over and he did the prayers...i havent seen him since the late 70's....at some point i felt like i shut down my feelings....on that day..cause afterwards i went to my brothers...and we watched a holocaust show...and i didnt cry....i felt so numb....the good thing is that i was aware of my numbness....i feel better today....Have a great Tuesday....Sun .
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Post by bklynrn on May 22, 2012 7:56:59 GMT -8
It sounds like you had a emotionally tough Sunday, Sun...I know the feelings of numbness. I can do that VERY easily but at a cost...i'm not being real. Good for you having that awareness about it. I'm glad you're feeling better Sun, I was just doing my laundry a few minutes ago and had an EPHIPHANY MOMENT...lol. Was just thinking about you at that moment too as I wanted to share my plan...I'm going to treat my mom, as I would any addict. I'm going to tell her she MUST get help otherwise I will have NOTHING to do with her. I'm going to give her some of the books that I have read and tell her she needs to be in therapy or active in some sort of recovery before I will engage in any relationship with her. That's it-- it's in her hands now. Not mine....It does indeed feel right to be on NC with her... I went to a few al-anon meetings but was actually considering a CODA meeting. They have a few here in NY. One tonight at 8pm but I have my Pathophysiology final and therapy tomorrow so maybe next week. Have a good day Sun and thank you
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 22, 2012 20:03:17 GMT -8
AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME....wow....I loved reading your post.....thank you for having an EPHIPHANY....I call them God moments for me....i hope you run this by your therapist as well....CODA meetings are great too....I really love Al anon....they saved my life by teaching me how to have a life.....You made my night.....Sun
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Post by Havefaith on May 23, 2012 2:16:48 GMT -8
Detaching with love -- letting someone know you love him/her but will not accept their abusive, destructive attitude... Very powerful, bklynrn.
HaveFaith
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Post by bklynrn on May 23, 2012 2:40:51 GMT -8
Thank you Sun and Havefaith...I need the support. Especially in this situation. Dealing with a man or a friend who's an addict is SO much different than a parent. Then add in all our dysfunctional dynamics, the trauma bond---it simply compounds the letting go part BUT makes it important to do that. The answer was sitting right under my nose the whole time but I just didnt see it....so weird how this works within my own brain. I feel such a sense of relief...
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Post by Havefaith on May 23, 2012 4:09:54 GMT -8
I agree -- dealing with parents is a whole different ball o' wax! These folks gave us life and I am absolutely grateful to them for that. And yet -- loving someone does NOT mean we need to tolerate abuse from them.
To me, it's "I will always love you and honor you as my parent, but I also love and honor myself enough to NOT accept hurtful behaviors aimed at me. I need to walk away from that! Please think about and acknowledge what your role is, in order for us to have a loving, healthy relationship. And do let me know when you're ready to have an honest discussion on that!" Puts the proverbial ball in their court....
HaveFaith
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Post by Loving My Life on May 23, 2012 4:43:31 GMT -8
Thanks everyone on this thread, it is good to read over and over what we have to do to protect our inner child, i have a couple of friends that I need to put back on my nc list. It is amazing when you realize how people try to run OUR lives. I needed to read all of this today.
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Post by bklynrn on May 23, 2012 6:39:48 GMT -8
Well said, Havefaith....I do need to see my role too. I also need to practice being healthy in ALL my relationships. Not pick and choose being healthy in one relationship but not another. It needs to be a part of my whole being in order for this to work for me.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 23, 2012 9:31:08 GMT -8
bklynrn....So they say when the student is ready the teacher appears.....somethings the answers are usually right under our noses.....when we let it go...it then comes to surface....i always call that my hp working for me.....it happens every single time i let it go....amazing how that works....I am so happy to know you are feeling that sense of relief.... Carolyn...yes what i find amazing is...that ...they have ran our lives for so long....we didnt even know it....and coming into recovery....brings that to light for us....and we dont have to take it anymore.....but they dont get that....sometimes especially when there are mental illnesses involved....and the safest thing for me to do was nc....especially ....being overwhelmed with emotions and feelings....when we dont know what to do...we shall do nothing....and they say that that is doing something.... Havefaith....i wished i would of knew that and understood that a long time ago......a hard lesson to learn....even today......if the lesson isnt learned it comes back to you over and over again.... chosen....nice response.....Recovery.....is number one for me....so i work it...cause i am worth it...Sun
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 23, 2012 9:32:01 GMT -8
oops the last sentences i meant to write...bklynrn....
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Post by bklynrn on May 23, 2012 16:31:28 GMT -8
''so i work it...cause i am worth it'' Indeed you are, Sun. Thank you
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on May 23, 2012 17:56:50 GMT -8
yes and you are so worth it too....your welcome bklynrn
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