Relationships with Men I am Not Attracted To

I am also on the other side, tend to choose PoAs who are extremely attractive so that there is a physical high but not really looking much on the inside, just if he is a "nice" guy it's a bonus.

Good point that your HP Chosen taught you about looking at their internals.

requin and healing, I think I could have written those posts. Exactly how I feel. My lack of self esteem dates way back to childhood. I too felt like I could not attract any nice or nice looking guy. Which is why I got into and stayed in relationships with guys I was not attracted to (not even on the inside) and guys who needed fixing.

But now we know what the issue is how do we go about changing our ways for future relationships? I think that is a huge question that is probably going to have multiple layers of answers.

I am so done with bad relationships. I would honestly prefer to remain single the rest of my life than go into another bad relationship.

Thanks for the replies.

RRR

Luv, its an interesting subject. I wonder if there are any good books, web pages, seminars or anything on this subject. This is something i need to tackle before dating again. Or else I will find myself back in the old rut.

Any ideas?

RRR

This is very interesting. Actually I´m the other way around, I only choose men I´m physically attracted to, so I don´t really bother about their values and how they treat me.

And since they know they are attractive, they tend to be a bit narcisistic and I always end up feeling less. If at first it´s a boost to my self esteem to be with someone who is clearly attractive, after a while I get very insecure because it´s always about them - they´re the priority.

I´m not sure how to get the shift on me, to concentrate on my needs and wants and self esteem.

With my last poa it was a tricky situation because I wasn´t physically attracted to him in the beginning, I just saw him as a good friend. I always thought he would be the ideal partner if only I found him attractive! But then when we did become involved it was still all about him. Turned out he was avoidant so he managed the whole relationship on his terms. I also discovered that while he wasn´t physically attractive, he did have the ability to be extremely charming, so there were lots of women attracted to him.

He left me feeling terrible, with my self esteem completely destroyed. So I think the dynamics of the relationship ultimately become similar, even if you´re with a seemingly different sort of person. It´s probably more important to have solid self esteem, which of course is always the difficult part.

Overcome: "Are there any attractive men out there that aren't caught up in their looks and don't have massive issues? Or is that just a pipe dream?"

I don't think I'm that attractive but there are those who kind of think so. Let's just say I'm close to being attractive, I don't let it get into my head. And I know a lot of attractive men who don't either. We are aware that our physical attractiveness can only bring us to a certain point. Not a big thing.We are all equal as a whole.

Probably they don't have good taste. But you never know who is waiting for you out there, he could be your attractive type.

I'm the exact same way. According to society's standards, I'm quite attractive. But I somehow only find interest in guys who aren't attractive - a solid 6-7 out of 10 at most on scale of 1-10. I find it's because they treat you like queens and are more into you then into themselves. I finally just realized too that I can't date guys without any issues because it makes me feel like I'm abnormal. But I find I'm drawn towards guys who have baggage/issues because it makes me feel better about myself. Does anyone experience that as well? Is that normal?

I have a similar thing going on. My ex ex wasn't attractive, I found his body horrible, and the way he walked (I feel terrible saying that!), but he needed to be "fixed" and I wanted to fix him. He treated me really well, but he was broken. I was with him for 2 years. My current PoA I am extremely attracted to, and I'm putting that above his compulsive lying and manipulation. Sort of funny how the tables have turned? I'm an attractive girl as well, but have always gone for men that I'm not that attracted to. This time my PoA pursued me, this attractive, sexy man, and I'm bending over backwards to be with him after the way he's treated me.

Talk about ironic! Haha

Paisley and havefaith, that was an eye opener for me! It is true how we get into these relationships with distant and avoidant men, because they bring something out in us from our childhood/adolescence. I found with my ex ex, he wasn't that attractive, but he treated me well. He was still avoidant to a degree, and broken, but he would never abandon me, and I felt safe. With my current PoA, I'm always emotional when he distances, I'm afraid of losing him, I know it's not good for me, but it is as though I am my 15 year old damaged self with mummy issues and trauma. It's like I've regressed again.

Definitely going to bring this up in therapy! I think it's very important to be mindful of those that make us regress emotionally, and those that make us progress - no matter how uncomfortable we may feel with a man that we can trust.

Maybe that's it? We're attracted to unavailable men because we know they're going to abandon us, it's familiar territory and we're used to that behaviour, we can predict it. The available kind hearted men won't, they're not going with the familiar abandonment pattern we're so used to, it's out of our comfort zone, and we're unsure and scared of "true love".

Thank you for sharing your story Paisley! I relate to it a lot. My father was away for long periods when I was younger due to work, and my mother was often in this cycle of hot and cold as a child, so I would always be bending over backwards to get the love and affection I needed from her - but never did. My relationship with my mother has been tumultuous to say the least.

But I do think it stems from a fear of abandonment and untrusting actions. I pick men like my mother, that I have to try and win their affection and fix them, because if I do, then I will receive the love I never had as a child. I'm looking for that "true love", but I seem to pick narcissists that cannot provide it for me, and that play with my mind - much like my mother did growing up. My new PoA is very narcissistic, and I do not trust him at all. When he met my mother they constantly played mind games throughout the night, testing each other, and she hated him. He is a compulsive liar, and I do really think he is cheating on me. I can feel it in my gut, but I'm finding it hard to let go.

I just want to change him, I want to change him into someone that will love me and care for me. I feel as though I have no self worth, but I'm holding onto this picture of him in my mind deluding myself that I do love him, when instead I think I love the pain because it's familiar. I keep attracting these aloof, cold and damaged men into my life, and I'm attracted to them as well. I think because deep down I feel worthless, I feel as though no one will ever love me because I'm unlovable. I have never felt loved from my mother, and I go for men that cannot love others and reinforce this feeling of worthlessness I have inside.