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Post by lostandconfused on May 23, 2012 13:28:41 GMT -8
Ahh I was doing so great. I even went to a CODA meeting yesterday and afterward I felt good. It was exactly what I needed. Now its like I hit a new low. In speaking with my ex on Sunday and hearing him tell me he loved me was such a high. It made me feel better and that maybe there was a chance for us getting back together. Especially since he explained he wanted to get himself where he could fully participate in a relationship with me.
Then I found out he is telling people we are just friends and my heart feels ripped open again. I talked with a good friend of mine and she yelled at me, which I know I probably needed.
Specifically she told me " don't do this again, you deserve better. If he isn't 100% into being with you, then you need to drop him and let him be nothing to you. You cannot do this again. Last time you wasted 4 years of your life waiting for your son's father to come back. You let him string you along. You cannot do that again." And I know that she is right. I keep telling myself to accept that it is over, but I am having a REALLY hard time accepting that fact.
I still love him deeply and don't know what to do with these feelings. I have also been struggling to even go to work this week. I know I might lose my job but I don't seem to care. My ex's dad is my boss and I can't seem to bring myself to see him because every time I do all I think of is him and how we are not together.
He hasn't called me in 3 days, and when we were together for almost 2 years he would call me daily. I know that's a sign that it is over. I am just having the WORST time accepting that. I can't seem to focus on anything whether it be housework, work, or my son.
I don't know how to get myself out of this agony. I want to cry every second of every day. I am making myself sick with my obsessive thoughts and can't eat.
It seems to take me so long to get over a man. My friend wants me to severe all ties but I am afraid if I do that there won't be any chance of us getting back together. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for a torchbearer to get it together. I don't want to feel this way. i don't want to lose my job. I feel like I'm stuck in a hole without a ladder or a way to escape. I feel so alone and lonely. All I want to do is call him and go to his house and crawl in bed with him. I still have a key to his house and it takes all my willpower daily not to go there.
help. I am such a complete mess.
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Post by Loving My Life on May 24, 2012 6:02:42 GMT -8
hug to you lost, yes i feel your pain, and if you need to cry, well that is ok cry all you wish. keep going to your meetings, and try as hard as you can to get to work, I have that problem myself, but i finally after 2 months, i feel like i had a mini nervous breakdown, i feel like i can deal with my life once again, im still a little foggy, but i can move on finally. You sound like you are in withdrawals, so you need to do one nice thing a day for yourself. Keep going to your meetings, and if you can get a sponsor and maybe start working your steps, praying and meditating, and ask your hp to heal your heart and your mind, you will finally get some relief. You know what we feel like is the right person for us, maybe is not always the right person. someone told me the other day, be careful what you pray for. I know now my poa was not the man for me, he is a playa, and probably worse, but i was in total denial.
So what are you doing for yourself and your recovery today?
Hang in there, you are worth it, and you deserve to be happy.
Love yourself first.
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Post by maxheadcase on May 24, 2012 6:19:12 GMT -8
Sorry to hear the pain you are going through Lost. To hear your POA tell you he loves you so much and then to find out its only as friends, that's a blow to the heart but at least now you know and didn't waste four years on him to come around to wanting more.
I've read that we are suppose to write a list of all the negatives about POA down when we obsess over them and feel depressed. I've also read elsewhere to write down the negatives but add a different name in front of each negative or bad trait replacing POA's name. This is allegedly suppose to allow you to focus on the negatives you will no longer settle for and at the same time not think about POA. I've tried this and it works to a point. As Carolyn said continue going to your meetings and focus on yourself and your own life.
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Post by gypsysoul on May 24, 2012 11:21:32 GMT -8
Wow, there must be something in the air today...Lostandconfused, if there is ANY truth to "misery loves company" ....looks like you've got some company! I see you wrote yesterday....I hope you got yourself pulled together at least enough to get thru the work day and keep telling yourself it is a holiday weekend and you only have to hang in there and act "quasi normal" another day, and then use the days off to regroup. This is how *I* am getting thru the day  Having just posted in my journal here how well I was doing, I suddenly found myself in the social site of my PoA's friend, the "groupie" who chronicles his activities. I noticed she was following/being followed by some music-related account, which was locked but I got a "vibe" about it so I googled it and various of its posts came up and given the songs listed ...i KNOW this is a site the PoA created. The fact that I hadn't known about it hit me like a ton of bricks falling on my head, and made my day do a 180 and suddenly my heart is pounding, and that "caged lioness" feeling came back full force, and...and: I DID THIS TO MYSELF. PLEASE....don't you do it to yourself also! Don't go over there, don't crawl into bed with him....think of how AWFUL you will feel after. Bad as you might feel now you will feel MUCH worse for having given in.... I speak with the voice of experience....right now, I want to smack myself on the head! |
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Post by lostandconfused on May 24, 2012 13:35:13 GMT -8
Thanks guys. I actually did pull myself out of bed today and come to work. It was really weird seeing my boss and he didn't mention anything about his son and I, but he asked how I was doing. I just kept it work related and didn't mention squat about our breakup or the fact i was a complete mess so that was good. And I didn't cry in front of him so that was even better. I had sorta done that last week (cry in the office) but he didn't ask me about it then or now.
Luv, I know exactly how you feel as i am right there with you. My ex asked to "hang out" this weekend and I told him I'm going out of town, which is true. So he asked if we could "hang out" next weekend. I avoided responding. What does that even mean "hang out"?? He has me so d**n confused. He commented on my fb page yesterday about how gorgeous I looked. WTH?
I don't really know whats going on. He is a very private person so I don't know if him telling people we are friends is just him avoiding what he is truly feeling or if its the truth. And him telling me he is trying to get himself together for us makes me even more confused.
So that being said I have decided to just focus on his actions. I am not going to call, email, or text him. I am going to avoid responding to him as well and wait and see. I figure if a man really wants a woman he will let her know it. So either he will or he won't but I am not going to "wait".
I am still struggling but I am really working on trying to control my thoughts. I am also going to see my friend that yelled at me this weekend. I think it will be good to get out of town and maybe get a new perspective.
I know it will still be hard to work for his dad for quite some time to come. Especially since his picture is All over my boss's office. But I am just going to try and take it one day at a time.
I still have his key and was debating what to do with it. I think I will hold on to it for now - at least the next couple weeks. Then when I am ready I am just going to mail it to him in an envelope without any notes or card, just the key and nothing else.
This whole thing was just very confusing for me because he sought me for a year before I even went out with him, then he was so adamit that we be exclusive and committed. Then after almost 2 years having him tell me he didn't have time for a relationship and it wasn't fair to either one of us was completely unexpected. Maybe he knew I was unhappy, I don't know.
It was just really frustrating for him to push for all of this, then be the one to back out. Not even 1 month ago he had been talking about moving in together and getting married, then this...
Sorry I am all over the place. I have a feeling I will be for a while. Thank you all so much for commenting. It's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this!!!
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Post by wahinewha on May 25, 2012 14:09:14 GMT -8
Fill up your calendar with positive activities, and then congratulating yourself on an amazing achievement cause there is nothing better then that great feeling of setting a goal, achieving and progressing to the next day.
Like my POA, he told me exactly the same I love you, we are just friends (to his mates). I was devistated! Ran out of the house crying, angry never to return again................ and I haven't. And I'm not going to either. Absolute betrayel is not a quaility I want in a partner, and nor should you, we are worth much more.
Shake your head physically when obsessing over his movements, it hurts, I know, but it works lol.
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Post by looking4direction on May 25, 2012 21:30:06 GMT -8
they told me, here, too, to replace my POA with other things like friends and activities.
You said your former sig other "loved you".
Well, he did not act like it---not calling you for 3 days and telling people you were just a friend---ouch---and not telling you exactly (to your face) where you stood with him!
Love is also a verb. He could not act like it.
And that's not good either.
Even if he did care, as he said he did, he only could treat you like just a casual friend and you deserve more than that.
In my life, I am weeding out all the people (or at least not letting myself get as close to t hem) who cannot love me the way I need and deserve to be loved---like a human being! Someone truly special. Not just some casual fancy to be cast aside when someone is bored of me!
thanks for reminding me that I deserve better.
good share and experience.
Carol
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