Where I'm at Today

I heard last night that my ex-girlfriend relapsed. I'm in the Narcotics Anonymous program too. It was sad to hear that. But it also has added to the resent battle of fear surrounding her. I'm going to an NA birthday tonight and was projecting all sorts of stuff. Fear of her with someone, bla bla bla. I see today that at any given moment, I can still be very addicted to her. My thoughts only on her and not what i need to do for me and to build on a foundation of self love with God as my foundation.

Here is the fear! I'm afraid I'll never experience "love" again. LOL, the love I've experienced with past POA's, I need to be afraid. But at times, I'm not good by myself, at other times I love my alone time. Today I need to practice the principles of self honesty and humility and reach out when I KNOW I need to. Last night after a NA celebration i was able to open up and actually told the truth to three other people(and one was a lady...i fear being real in front of woman) about my feelings I was having about the birthday celebration. they were so supportive. I feel something new this morning. A new connection or power or freedom or peace, i can't place my finger on it. But it's good. So any way, the fear is I'm afraid I'll always be alone...well I wasn't alone last night.

I think the truth is.....I'm afraid i will never get to have sex with someone i love...As I type this post, I believe my fears are really self centered fear...hmmmn. Am I having a "AHA" moment?

I've been reading a book called "The twelve steps to happiness." Great book. It has stirred up a desire inside of me to truly, to the best of my ability, turn my will over to the care or God as we understand him. So I hope this is him taking care of me and showing me just who i really am. God is " " I can't even describe him, that is why i left the empty space in between the quotation marks...He is AMAZING...LOVING....CARING....TENDERHEARTED...COMPASSIONATE the list is endless.
I hope you guys have a blessed day.