Post by lostandconfused on Jun 13, 2012 1:53:24 GMT -8
Just thought I'd write this in the hopes that it will help others. Within the last 3 years I have broken away from my x POA. This is the one I had a child with and basically "waited" for for almost 7 years. Long story short he cheated on me before the wedding got another woman pregnant and married her 2 months before our wedding was to take place. From the time of his bachelor party until his divorce he had me on such a roller coaster.
If i was nice to him he spent more time/money on our son. I am embarassed to say that some of that included me sleeping with him. To me he was "the one" and he always new what to say. He is a very good manipulator. And he made me think he was going to leave his wife. As we all know he never did. But in the downward cycles, which there always were, he was even more of an ass, if you can believe its possible.
I would always comment to my friends/family that I could never understand why he was so intent on making things difficult for me and our son when he was the one who had cheated. it seemed backwards.
Well 3 years ago he did get a divorce. She left him because he was a sex addict. I was thrilled when it happened and naively thought it meant we would be together, after his treatment of course. Sometimes I shake my head now at how dumb I turned out to be regarding him. Well he is now living with a woman who is 14 years younger, i think they actually moved in together the day his divorce was final.
Anyway moving forward we have been arguing the past year or so about child support, private school, hospital bills, regarding our son. He makes about 50k more than when we did our child support in court about 6 years ago, which of course he made me hire an attorney for. He actually said "if you want my money you'll have to pay to get it". Anyway i'm getting a little sidetracked.
So last night per his email request I called him to discuss the hospital bill 3500$ and my sons private school tuition which is about 9k a year. I told him I couldn't pay both and i needed him to step up. Our court docs say he is responsible for 56% of all medical bills. But he refused to help with either and said again i'd have to take him back to court, which he knows I don't have the money for.
I have come to realize these "discussions" are pointless. He went on for about half an hour about why he wasn't going to pay. I didn't really argue just sat there and listened. Of course all his reasons were stuff as usual. But he made two statement during the course of the phone call that threw me.
When i said i didn't want to have to take him back to court I wanted to be able to handle and compromise without involving lawyers he told me to do what I thought i needed to..then threw in "I gave up trying to control you a long time ago" ..and I thought, what?, where did that come from. what is he even talking about.
then later in the conversation he stated that he would never send me the money, he may -if the court tells him to pay, send the money to the school or the hospital, but he will never send it to me. And I asked him what that was supposed to mean. He responded that he didn't trust me. - i thought are you fn kidding me, you don't trust me??? kinda like the pot calling the kettle black. when I asked him why don't you trust me I have never given you a reason not to trust me, he laughed. I asked him to give me one example, of course he couldn't.
I just gave up and got off the phone. The conversation was completely pointless. Then later when I was trying to sleep and couldn't a light bulb went off in my head.
It's never been about truth, what's right or wrong, what's in our son's best interest or not, whether he can trust me or not. It's about CONTROL. In fact the more I think about it, everything has been about control. He kept me on a string for years, control. He fights me at every turn, control. He withholds money he should be paying, control -his last one.
I just wanted to share for those who are having trouble trying to determine why an x or a poa plays us like yoyo's. We read into it like there is something there, oh he must love me but just...(insert what ever excuse you use for him here)
And I am livid. I am livid at myself that I did not see this clearly earlier. I am livid that in some aspects I do depend on him monetarily to help raise our son.
All I want now is out of any control of his no matter how small. So i will be calling that attorney this week. I'm done with going through him. It gives he way too much pleasure.
Its time I take back control.
If i was nice to him he spent more time/money on our son. I am embarassed to say that some of that included me sleeping with him. To me he was "the one" and he always new what to say. He is a very good manipulator. And he made me think he was going to leave his wife. As we all know he never did. But in the downward cycles, which there always were, he was even more of an ass, if you can believe its possible.
I would always comment to my friends/family that I could never understand why he was so intent on making things difficult for me and our son when he was the one who had cheated. it seemed backwards.
Well 3 years ago he did get a divorce. She left him because he was a sex addict. I was thrilled when it happened and naively thought it meant we would be together, after his treatment of course. Sometimes I shake my head now at how dumb I turned out to be regarding him. Well he is now living with a woman who is 14 years younger, i think they actually moved in together the day his divorce was final.
Anyway moving forward we have been arguing the past year or so about child support, private school, hospital bills, regarding our son. He makes about 50k more than when we did our child support in court about 6 years ago, which of course he made me hire an attorney for. He actually said "if you want my money you'll have to pay to get it". Anyway i'm getting a little sidetracked.
So last night per his email request I called him to discuss the hospital bill 3500$ and my sons private school tuition which is about 9k a year. I told him I couldn't pay both and i needed him to step up. Our court docs say he is responsible for 56% of all medical bills. But he refused to help with either and said again i'd have to take him back to court, which he knows I don't have the money for.
I have come to realize these "discussions" are pointless. He went on for about half an hour about why he wasn't going to pay. I didn't really argue just sat there and listened. Of course all his reasons were stuff as usual. But he made two statement during the course of the phone call that threw me.
When i said i didn't want to have to take him back to court I wanted to be able to handle and compromise without involving lawyers he told me to do what I thought i needed to..then threw in "I gave up trying to control you a long time ago" ..and I thought, what?, where did that come from. what is he even talking about.
then later in the conversation he stated that he would never send me the money, he may -if the court tells him to pay, send the money to the school or the hospital, but he will never send it to me. And I asked him what that was supposed to mean. He responded that he didn't trust me. - i thought are you fn kidding me, you don't trust me??? kinda like the pot calling the kettle black. when I asked him why don't you trust me I have never given you a reason not to trust me, he laughed. I asked him to give me one example, of course he couldn't.
I just gave up and got off the phone. The conversation was completely pointless. Then later when I was trying to sleep and couldn't a light bulb went off in my head.
It's never been about truth, what's right or wrong, what's in our son's best interest or not, whether he can trust me or not. It's about CONTROL. In fact the more I think about it, everything has been about control. He kept me on a string for years, control. He fights me at every turn, control. He withholds money he should be paying, control -his last one.
I just wanted to share for those who are having trouble trying to determine why an x or a poa plays us like yoyo's. We read into it like there is something there, oh he must love me but just...(insert what ever excuse you use for him here)
And I am livid. I am livid at myself that I did not see this clearly earlier. I am livid that in some aspects I do depend on him monetarily to help raise our son.
All I want now is out of any control of his no matter how small. So i will be calling that attorney this week. I'm done with going through him. It gives he way too much pleasure.
Its time I take back control.