|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jan 19, 2008 17:56:47 GMT -8
It was not easy for me to totally accept spirituality or the concept of God. When I was young I stopped believing that God cared about me because he didn't seem to be answering my prayers. Then, when I was older, I became an agnostic. I didn't believe we could prove God existed, so I thought why bother with the whole issue at all. Of course, sometimes I would acknowledge God as the power behind creation, but I could not see God as a source of love and power, or a spiritual being with whom I could interact. Surely, I thought, if God had been around at some point he had abandoned us. In recovery, I once again thought about God after I started going to 12-step meetings. The pain in me life had begun to subside and I felt as if I had been raised to a new level of consciousness. I didn't know why, or how it had happened, but I was suddenly filled with hope about the future, and for some reason I intuitively connected this with God. I somehow knew that God was a strong force behind me recovery. I also felt a deep urgency to become a better person, to pull myself out of the pit I had fallen into because of my addiction to love. I no longer felt that I was fine and that the rest of the world needed improving. Now, somehow, I knew that I was the one who had to change. I decided that this newfound hope and willingness to change was a gift from a benevolent force in the universe. My newly acquired spirituality seemed both strange and fascinating at the same time. However, more than that, it piqued my curiosity and prompted me to seek out the source of all this benevolence. I wanted to say "thank you," and I wanted more. To find God, and to enhance me spirituality, I went to the library to do some research. I didn't want to go to church because I wasn't interested in religion. I just wanted to know more about God. Reading about spirituality was very enlightening, and it helped me understand that I was not the only person seeking answers to questions about God. It became apparent to me through me reading that many people have come to believe in God, including some of the greatest thinkers who have ever lived. Feeling that I was in good company with regard to my spiritual quest, I suddenly felt relieved of my hesitancy and embarrassment. This allowed my tender feelings for God to grow and bear fruit. Then, shortly thereafter, I had a wonderful experience. I was sitting in my kitchen. Everything was clean and bright. My curtains were drawn and the sunlight poured through the window. I was thinking about God and then suddenly a feeling of well-being took over my consciousness. I felt peaceful and content. All of my fears disappeared. I felt as if everything in the universe was in order. I just suddenly knew that even the chaos of this world was part of God's plan, and that everything was being taken care of. This serenity and trust was so exhilarating that I felt overwhelmed and grateful. I closed me eyes and basked in the warmth of the sun and the "peace of God which passes all understanding." (Phil 4:7) To me, this spiritual experience was further evidence that God was real and that he or she loved me. Yet, for awhile it still seemed a bit disconcerting for me to feel all of this growing tenderness for an invisible spirit. All of me life I had known what it felt like to fall in love with a person, but falling in love with God was something else. However, despite me trepidation, I knew what was happening to me was wonderful, and I knew it was an experience to be cherished, not ignored. Like C.S. Lewis, I had been "surprised by joy." To hold onto this new conscious contact with God, I began to talk to him/her as one might talk to a close friend. I did not really believe in petitioning God through prayer, so I just chatted away with an image of God that I created in my mind. I talked about my fears and my dreams. I talked about every subject under the sun. I said "good morning" and I said "goodnight." I said "thank you" for my newfound serenity. I just talked and talked until I really felt close to this power greater than myself. I also imagined myself as a little child being held and comforted by God. Everywhere I went God went with me. Of course, to me, this budding friendship with God was quite exciting. Since I was a compulsive talker, having a non-stop conversation with an invisible friend was really a lot of fun. Then, one day I had another spiritual experience. I was looking at myself in the mirror and feeling horrible about my body. I had never liked the way I looked. Then suddenly, I felt overwhelmed with a feeling of being loved and accepted. This feeling was so powerful that I started to cry. Then I found myself sobbing and saying to God out loud, "You really don't care what I look like, do you?" "You really do love me just the way I am." Then I sensed in a deep way God's unconditional love for me, and I was overwhelmed that God's love went beyond an appraisal of me physical appearance ─ that it was unconditional. When I stepped away from the mirror, I was still crying. I thought about how long I had waited for this type of acceptance and unconditional love. I thought about how I had looked for it from everyone I had ever loved and never found it. Now, finally, it had come from an unexpected source ─ from God and from within. God's unconditional love validated me. This validation made up for the experience of being rejected by me parents when I was a child. After learning that I was lovable, I was able to learn how to love myself. As my self-esteem rose, I was able, for the first time in me life, to experience loving me family and community. Furthermore, I have come to realize that my spirituality is the energy that pulls me forward in recovery. It is the source of me willingness to change and grow; it is the strength that keeps me going; it is the gift of transformation from a power greater than myself. Addendum
In 2015, I had my most recent spiritual experience. Christ appeared to me in a dream and said: "Susan, I am real. I died on the cross for your sins and I was resurrected. There will be pain in your future, but you will persevere because my love for you has made your strong." Attachments:
|
|
|
Post by candee on Jul 17, 2008 4:28:18 GMT -8
I dont know why they arent any replies here.But this is a good read.I hope to find the same and table them here
|
|
|
Post by drmn2bfree on Jul 20, 2008 10:21:32 GMT -8
This is absolutely beautiful. This site is life saving. I found your book about 3 years ago and it literally changed my life. I have found recovery through you. Bless you. Peace and Love-Drmn2bFree
|
|
godsguy
Full Member
Prayer Requests
GOD IS LOVE!
Posts: 146
|
Post by godsguy on Aug 31, 2008 11:57:36 GMT -8
Thank you for sharing this with us. It truly will be an encouragement to me and many others. I felt abandonment and rejection from my parents with both biological parents living in the home. I am working on bringing out all of the things my parents and my peers have done to hurt me or that make me angry. after I made a list, then I wrote letters to all of them.(Not to mail, of course) I have done this, but it has filled my head with anger and rage. this morning in church, God took much of that pain. I think I will work these healing exercises only on Sat. night. I have really been working on my spiritual relationship, but any other day, besides Sunday, is so busy and chaotic, it is hard to stay in spiritual mindset. Stress always seems to make my paranoia flare up.
|
|
|
Post by fluffybunny on Sept 3, 2008 22:23:38 GMT -8
I love this story. It's so helpful to hear someone describe what a relationship with God/HP really means to them. It's so often just described in vague terms. Thank you for this.
|
|
|
Post by asianaries on Oct 9, 2008 20:14:38 GMT -8
Wow... reading this almost made me tear up... Thank you.
|
|
jenniferg
Full Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 113
|
Post by jenniferg on Jun 18, 2009 17:20:34 GMT -8
Hey, I'm reading Addiction to Love and didn't even realize it was Susan Peabody's book. How funny is that! This morning I read the above "First person spiritual experience" and I read it again this afternoon in the book. I was sure it was the same piece and wondered how that could be. Pretty funny, I've been reading this book for a few days now. This book has two excellent inner child readings. A must read. Though the outlook is pretty grim for recovery. It that really the case?
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jun 18, 2009 17:22:55 GMT -8
The book has a happy ending . . . me.
|
|
godsguy
Full Member
Prayer Requests
GOD IS LOVE!
Posts: 146
|
Post by godsguy on Dec 17, 2009 3:06:09 GMT -8
I have posted on this, but I recently had a spiritual experience much like you describe here. It was amazingly different than anything I have ever experienced.
It was the highest high I had ever experienced, and no, it wasn't drug induced.
All of my fears, doubts, questions, and confusion was answered in this 3-4 hour experience. It was like God was speaking right into my ear. I couldn't hear any physical voice, but it was like he was just filling me up with love, with joy, with emotion, with answers, knowledge, and understanding.
If anyone had seen it they would have thought I was crazy. I was laughing, then crying, then shouting in anger, from minute to minute. Even I wondered about insanity, but the feeling I had was so overwhelming that it had to have been from a source greater than myself.
Besides I have always had a pretty sound mind.
It was the first and only time, so far, but I definately hope for another. It was like it just cleansed my spirit. It gave me such a spiritual energy. It came at a time when I needed it the most. Probably saved my life.
|
|
|
Post by walkingonwater on Dec 17, 2009 15:21:28 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing. Good to hear that you've had experiences through recovery. I've had a few spiritual experiences, the strongest one was feeling so overwhelmed with love, I felt that if someone was in front of me wanting to kill me, I'd love them anyway. It was such a strong feeling of love, I've never experienced anything close. Was when I was reading my Bible. Totally relate to the experiences above too.
God's taught me a lot about loving other people in the past couple of years; loving friends and strangers. But I've not yet learned how to love in an intimate way.
So my recent POA thing had a lot to teach me as it showed me that I can't just let my 'attachment hunger' carry on as it is ultimately selfish (though rooted in childhood neglect) and not at all about real love. It also destroys me and has recently made it harder to love my friends etc cos I've felt down and self-absorbed (and absorbed with obsessions about my POA). Thanks to God for showing me what love is so I know when it's gone! If you know what I mean.
Wish I could get back to those amazing God experiences, cos He feels distant at the moment after recent POA craziness. But I think this bad stuff is all about learning how to love intimately (I'm an ALA) - and therefore realising the need to get rid of all the bad stuff. Think God's led me to the 12 steps to do it. But the memories of those experiences do keep me going sometimes.
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 18, 2009 13:50:07 GMT -8
Yes! I remember. 1983. It lasted 3 minutes. It was what they call a "warm wind" experience. And like the wind, it passes and then comes round again when we need it the most.
Some advice. You have been given a gift. Now to keep it you must choose some spiritual disciplines. We have 12 in the "Spirituality" forum. Richard Foster wrote The Celebration of Discipline about how to keep the gift.
John 3:8 "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
Where Love Abides
The smell of jasmine is in the air, And I think of my precious grandchild, Who will live in my heart forever, Whose memory blows over me at will, Like a warm summer's breeze. And I know not whence it comes Or whither it goes. But I suppose It goes where love abides.
Dedicated to Jasmyne Marie Snyder June 16, 1994 - June 29, 1994
|
|
ggs
New Member
Posts: 3
|
Post by ggs on Dec 20, 2009 8:45:47 GMT -8
This is very nice story. I have been in 12 steps for a long time. I think the crux of this program is a true authentic power greater than ourselves. Also, self love is the 1st step away from love addiction.
|
|
godsguy
Full Member
Prayer Requests
GOD IS LOVE!
Posts: 146
|
Post by godsguy on Dec 23, 2009 1:14:09 GMT -8
Thank you "ggs", I agree. I think our constant desire to be intimately attached to someone or something else, stems from a lacking we have within ourselves. A lack of self-love causes a need to feel loved by others.
We expect others to be a strength where we are weak.
|
|
|
Post by ok2bme on Mar 6, 2010 15:50:31 GMT -8
This is an incredible Spiritual Experience GreenEyes & I'm so glad for you. Like the idea of equally saying these things for strangers too. I'll give that a try.
:-)
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Mar 7, 2010 7:54:41 GMT -8
Greeneyes thanks for reminding me of this last time I was in the 'big city' I felt resentment towards the expat men. I will try blessing them instead.
I have a blessing "May you be happy rich and successful and lead a loving and fulfilled life!"
Angel
|
|
Woof
Junior Member
Posts: 56
|
Post by Woof on Mar 11, 2010 10:30:24 GMT -8
Thank you Susan and those who have shared in this topic. I had an a similar experience. When I was young some bad things happened to me and others and I stopped believing that God cared for me. I believed in God but thought he loved others but not me. And I picked up the belief that God had a giant scale and I could balance out my sins by doing good deeds. So after years of acting out and accomplishing much my life became unmanageable. I entered recovery in 1991 and got treatment for some issues but not my love addiction. Never the less as I worked on step two (came to believe), I had a dilema that caused me great pain and suffering. I was traveling at the time and was in a hotel room in Columbus, Ohio. I began sobbing as I asked God to help me with staying or leaving my marriage. I was crying so hard that I jumped in the shower to muffle my sobs. Then suddenly a peace came to me and I heard a beautiful voice say:" TRUST IN ME, MY HANDS ARE GREATER THAN YOUR OWN." I will say that this was the most signifcant moment of my life. I felt a divine joy. An ecstasy I have never felt before or since. When I thought a question, it was answered imediately. I saw how small I really was and how great He/She was. My deepest question about love was answered in images. He used a person I loved and showed her at the cellular level. I saw and felt His joy and love at life itself. Especially us. What I missed until recently was that He/She loves me too. I was changed by this event but did not share it with anyone. It was just too personal and I did not think anyone would believe me or understand. Then one day at a Mens spiritual retreat I risked sharing. The 30 men just looked at me like I was crazy. Then one by one, almost all had a similar and very personal story as well. My favorite was from a Todd who had a 3 daughters. When the youngest was born Todd heard a voice say "THIS ONE IS SPECIAL". He never told anyone about hearing this. As the girl grew older, he said: "I just couldn't see anything 'special' about her. She wasn't that smart or pretty or athletic. Then one day the oldest daughter was diagnosed with a rare disease requiring a bone marrow transplant. Guess who the donar was and how happy she was to donate? Yes the youngest one; this one was indeed special!!!" So Todd and others have helped me know that our Higher Power does love us dearly all the way down to the deepest part. nickyg
|
|
|
Post by ok2bme on Mar 16, 2010 9:56:59 GMT -8
GreenEyes, I'm so glad to read of your new findings!! I will consider meditations a more as well. 32 days triple wow, in your wildest dreams could you have seen that a few months ago!!
Incredibly inspiring.
Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Mar 16, 2010 15:03:48 GMT -8
Dear Richard,
Good on you! I too am not ready to date. It is good that you finally have realised this. I am sure that once you are ready you will know it. I don't feel the need to date and know that I am in danger of any sort of date situation so I avoid it.
Well done.
Angel
|
|
darkangels3251
Junior Member
No Contact for one year-bring it on!
Posts: 78
|
Post by darkangels3251 on Aug 16, 2011 14:59:25 GMT -8
Reading this made me cry, not with sadness but with joy that you've found love and that God is inside your heart...I'm so proud of you! I too have felt a similar experience. I remember having a conversation with my sister just earlier today after visiting a friend's house, and we discussed about spirituality....when all of a sudden we started discussing about self esteem. I was telling my sister how I'm still unable to accept myself fully as I'am and that I still couldn't find God's love...when my sister suddently says "Look into the mirror. That's where God is. Staring right in front of you." This made me realize that God can be anywhere and everywhere, and even if we are denial, God is infact a part of us and resides inside of us, deeply.
|
|
|
Post by veronica on Aug 16, 2011 21:27:12 GMT -8
Susan, thank you for sharing your experience. How did the experience stay with you over time? I had an experience when I was 16 and my mom was going through her dramatic second divorce. I had given up on love. "If this is what it is, I don't want it." And while I wasn't suicidal, I didn't want to hurt my body, I didn't want to be on earth. I couldn't see the reason for it. I was meditating a lot then and had a lot of mystical highs from doing that, attempting to detach from my ego. Two experiences came from that. I was talking to my mom and I saw three lights around her head. I blinked and blinked thinking it was an eye problem but they wouldn't go away. Then I felt a very intense Presence. Tears started pouring down my face. I wasn't having any thoughts, it was an experience that transcended that. Scared the heck out of me. The Presence didn't feel benevolent or loving, it felt like sheer power and that if It decided it was time for me to go, that was it, I'd be gone. More like the Angel of Death (wow I never put that together till now, but that's what it was). But the Presence asked me, "Do you want to stay or go?" And the answer was pulled out of me, with zero consideration or conscious thought I replied: "I am here to meet certain people" And the Presence disappeared as soon as the answer came into my mind. The power of and gift of Free Will! About a week later I almost was hit by a car in a head on collision. I let go of the wheel realizing I had no time to respond meaningfully, it was either into the car or a sharp drop off with large trees, but the other car did swerve back into it's own lane. I think if I had a different answer, I would have died in an accident. The second thing is my grandfather was dying. Totally non-mystical man. He didn't recognize my mom (his former daughter in law) when she visited him and could barely respond anyway. He was pretty out of it. So she started using the names of his grandchildren "I'm Veronica's mama" she said last (I'm the last one) and he finally spoke: "Oh Veronica! She's out here. She shouldn't be. Things move much too fast!" And then he wagged his head from side to side and made whooshing sounds. She came back and said, "I think you need to lay off the meditation, he's worried about you being 'out there'". I knew she was right. I was trying to detach from the world. I came here for a reason. To meet certain people. Not exactly glamorous, but important!
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 28, 2012 10:55:02 GMT -8
|
|
|
Post by Susan Peabody on Dec 9, 2014 13:15:01 GMT -8
Hey, I'm reading Addiction to Love and didn't even realize it was Susan Peabody's book. How funny is that! This morning I read the above "First person spiritual experience" and I read it again this afternoon in the book. I was sure it was the same piece and wondered how that could be. Pretty funny, I've been reading this book for a few days now.This book has two excellent inner child readings. A must read.Though the outlook is pretty grim for recovery. It that really the case? There is a brighter tomorrow if you do the work and follow advice. How long depends on the person and such things like fear of the unknown, depression, anxiety, etc. This is why twelve step programs work so well with addicts. Their spiritual approach dissipates the emotions that get in the way. Spiritual energy brings willingness and enthusiasm so the work goes faster and so does the healing. It is a case by case situation. At lease this is how it worked for me. But I am still a work in progress that is true. I am still healing some of my "original wounds" what Tolle calls "pain bodies."
|
|
|
Post by ~w~ on Aug 27, 2017 7:56:28 GMT -8
My first spiritual awakening was 2014 , I was in the pit .. I went to church and couldn't stop crying , once again I had failed relationship . After that I found this forum and the rest is history. I had quite few awakenings, and sometimes I feel closer to nature than human , so I made choice to be vegan . While it's quite drastic change but I feel that I don't add to more suffering in life.
|
|
|
Post by loveelleng on Jun 18, 2019 4:22:24 GMT -8
This is amazing.. thaink you so much Susan.
|
|