2muchpain
Full Member
Prayer Requests
Posts: 184
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Post by 2muchpain on Sept 8, 2008 10:44:04 GMT -8
Why is it that I only like myself when someone that I am in love with is in love with me also?
My husband loves me but it does not matter. My parents love me but it does not matter. My friends love me but it does not matter.
The ONLY time I like/love myself is when I am getting positive reinforcement from someone I am trying to attain. Why?
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 8, 2008 11:14:41 GMT -8
The article in the self-esteem forum explains this. As children our sense of self-worth is mirrored to us by our parents. This is natural. As they launch us (see Howard Halpern) we are supposed to develop self-esteem. Some of us don't. Emotionally, we get stuck in our childhood. Much of recovery is just about growing up. Doing now to develop what we did not do as children--learn to love ourselves and learn self-control. Love addicts lack both of these things. Recovery is about developing them. Our dilemma is a direct result of the trauma we suffered as children. We were thrust into survival mode and stopped growing. |
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Post by bluebird on Sept 8, 2008 21:35:00 GMT -8
Susan,
why is it so difficult to get out of survival mode? I bring in and/or recreate the need to operate in survival mode. I'm an ambivalent love addict. The feelings of the two are not very different - are they
epiphany time here!
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 9, 2008 3:33:46 GMT -8
Susan, that was very helpful to me! i constantly need to be reminded that recovery is about "growing up" and learning "self control."
Thanks!
T
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Post by judy on Sept 9, 2008 4:15:47 GMT -8
Hi all - You said it! I got stuck at 14 years old. Just the time we started hanging out with boys, and being a little independent out there in the world.
I didn't have a clue. I needed so much attention and got it any way I could. Mostly negative.
It's amazing how you can live a life without the qualities needed to mature. I could get away with the lack of self-control and lack of boundaries during my teens. Even 20's/30's. But when I moved into my 40's I started paying a price. Wow.
It becomes VERY clear to me when I watch my nieces and nephews who have grown up with parents that have been exposed to the 12 step recovery programs. What a difference! These kids have more of a sense of self at 3 then I had my whole life!
Anyway, I'm glad today for these awarenesses and the willingness one day at time to address them.
Like bluebird, I have always lived in survival mode. In all areas of my life. Very insightful, bluebird.
Thanks!
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chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by chrissy on Sept 9, 2008 9:12:22 GMT -8
I think alot of us have operated in survival mode, I used to joke that all I wanted was a day with no drama..now I know that alot of that drama I created..ugh..
Self love is hard when all we know or knew was what we were shown as Susan stated.. I remember never being shown any type of positive attention when growing up..this is a first for me actually believing that I am good and worthwhile..tough stuff..
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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 9, 2008 14:09:47 GMT -8
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