Torchbearers

Being a torchbearer is only painful when you are carrying a torch for someone real who is unavailable. I am a torch bearer into my third obsession. My first was a guy at high school. This ended when we got together at the 20-year high school reunion. Then for twenty years I was in love with the guy who introduced me to recovery. Now I am 6 years into loving my unavailable therapist. I also love J.C. and have a beautiful picture of him on my alter, but it is not the same as loving my therapist. There is no shame in being a torchbearer. We must, however, avoid erotomania which is the false believe that this person loves us in return. I also recently ended therapy with my therapist because I find that weekly contact fed the addiction. But from afar it can be painless and harmless. Just make sure you are feeding the hungry heart with self love as well. There is no cure for love addiction. We just get better.

I hear you with the "powerlessness" and it seems that we love addicts will always have to work at our "relationships" harder and more vigilantly that other non-addict people (which sux!!).

I do believe from people around the rooms in my city that once an addict, always an addict, but I do know lots of people who have had their addictions "COMPLETELY REMOVED".Ive heard this said this about drugs (heroin), alcohol, food, sex, love addicts, gambling.

These people ALL worked the steps and "handed over" their addiction to a Higher Power.

I dont know If Id use the word "incurable" (as we will always be addicted) but for me I truly hope and pray everyday that my addiction will be taken away.
Thats the big part of my recovery "one day at a time, I pray for a reprieve". And if we do that everyday, our addiction will be removed.
Well thats my experience anyway.
shaz

I found these two statements to be interesting. Mostly because my last episode was with an emotionally unavailable man--to me at least. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that he spent so much time with me doing things that potential lovers would do.....lots of long walks in the woods, canoeing, camping, dinner together frequently. I thought we were taking it slow, getting to know each other and it made me more attracted to him because it felt so safe and mature. Other people thought we were a great match and were really supportive of it.

Then when he dropped the bomb about being involved with the younger woman I was devastated. I felt so betrayed and decieved and to this day have horrible confusion about whether I brought this on myslef with the obsessive thinking, whether I missed all the signals or what. Truth is, he was very sneaky about the whole thing, never even dropped a hint, never talked about the nature of our friendship.

Looking back, I can see how checked out he really was but I was blinded to it at the time, I made lots of excuses for him. His physical presence was a real distraction and illusion.

The whole thing has been very painful and I still obsess relentlessly. sometimes just going over and over how he hurt me, how he has distanced himself completely from me and not taken any initiative to restore our "friendship at least to a casual one, has not responded to my few attempts. Blah.



Now I am transferring to the new guy who I hardly know at all, but who has definitely shown interest. It feels a little different because I'm not doing "erotomania" (new word) and I am quite sure we could spark something if I was open to it. But my fears are more about discovering I don't really want to get involved with him. It all feels so tender and fragile.

Yes I agree with ck123, the essence of step 3 is to hand over our lives to our HP.

When I was last with my ex I didnt know for a few months whether to break it off or to stay........I tried to figure it out, then in the end...I prayed on it. I prayed for my HP to show me what to do. After a month of praying....he did. I got a clear sign one day out of the blue, today is the day I have to break it off.

I had surrendered the outcome over to my HP, because I was powerless to make any decision, or at least the right one!! This is the only way when we are powerless over an addiction.

We do have to control what we fantasize about and how long we fantasize. The mind is like a television and we must learn to change the channel. On the other hand, some of us are born to fantasize. I was put in the hospital for 6 months when I was 4 and there was nothing to do except fantasize and I still do it a lot. Moderation in all things is important, but we still have to be ourselves in the recovery process.

I identify with all that is said in this thread. I fantasize. I obsess. To me, it seems to be a way to soothe our own wounded soul. It seems that it is a way to cover up and forget about the pain we feel or I should say don't want to feel. However, once I get over an obsession with a person, I can return to "normalcy" and be productive. We want a love relationship but sometimes we want the kind that induces the fantasizing, the obsessing and it stems from meeting up with an unavailable person. Does anyone now if there is a difference between fantasizing and obsessing? What function does each of these have for you? Does it all mean that our needs have not been met from an early age? Any ideas ? I think fear of intimacy plays a role too. I'm not sure.

I'm wondering if there is any connection with people who resort to a lot of fantasizing/obsessing and being creative. After all, fantasizing is like creating stories in your mind. That's seems creative although I realize that anything in excess is definitely not good for us.

I have worked in a creative field for many years. I really am much better off when working creatively and put aside fantasizing/obsessing to deal with reality.......which very often feels pretty disappointing.

Sometimes the realisty of one's life can be painful. We then decide to create a new reality...in our minds. We can perhaps change ourselves and make a better reality for ourselves and that way we won't have to ovsess and fantasize(so much).

jonny, I remember reading your first post, it was in about October I think. Yes, you were in a bad way. i am SSSOO happy for you. You seem so together and much happier. Im so glad you are in recovery and working on YOU!! Well done. I remember how painful it was for you during WITHDRAWALS from her.

I too was in withdrawals at the same time, and thought I was going to die (just like you did). Ive done a lot of recovery too and I am pretty much over the painful withdrawals in only 4 mths.

THAT"S a MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!

love Rainbows always,
aka Shaz

I know I'm a torch-bearer too. I wonder if it's the worst kind to be. When I'm carrying that torch (usually for years at a time), I have absolutely ZERO interest in any other guy. No interest in dating, romance, relationships. Except, of course, with the "torchee". I'd actually far rather be alone, by myself, than with anyone else (if I can't have my torch-boy).

This scares me. It's only happened 2x, but the first time I had TB.. it lasted for 11 YEARS! Over someone I was friends with, and who, for the last 9 years of it didn't even live in the same state.

The second one is still going strong - has lasted for over 2 years since we broke up. I'm afraid that, based on how long the first one lasted, my feelings for the second one will never dissipate, because I actually had a 2 year relationship with him (so much more powerful than loving from afar like with the first one). The bizarre thing is, when we were together, HE was the "love addict". He kept stressing because he said he was addicted to and obsessed with me. At that point, I didn't even have the room to feel my own LA, because I felt so smothered. My own LA only reared its head when he finally left.

I have a book by Susan Forward called "Obsessive Love", and there's a type of person who is addicted to people who are addicted to THEM. That's me, definitely. I tell people I go for "stalkers", LOL.