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Post by jonny on Jul 19, 2012 13:34:39 GMT -8
When ever i see a very pretty woman and especially if she has a very sexy figure and dressed very girly It sends me into a fantasy that this girl is the girl of my dreams and will make me very happy ever after because she look so sexy it would make me happy ever happy with her ?? bearing in mind these thoughts are VERY superficial and shallow i cant stop it happening and its as if im looking for this magic woman who will make me happy ever after ....why do i do it and most of all how do i try to stop doing it when i have done it all my adult life  any ideas please jonny take care xxx |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 19, 2012 13:47:10 GMT -8
I'm going to go out on a limb here when I say that I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking this way. There's nothing wrong with looking at and appreciating a beautiful woman-- or one with any of the many qualities you may like. It's not even wrong or bad to fantasize that she is the woman of your dreams. AS LONG AS IT IS FLEETING and you come back down to reality. If this is a temporary thing that you eventually (hour, or day or a week later) realize is "shallow and superficial" (which, by the way, you're kinda right), there's no harm. If, however, you start bearing a torch for this person and falling in love with them without knowing them, then there's a problem.
And here's why. This is an immature thought. It's an undeveloped notion of love that comes from inexperience. That's not to say that YOU are immature or childish. But your notion of the reality of women is. My notion of the reality of stocks and bonds trading is also immature and undeveloped because I know almost nothing about it. WHen we know nothing about something, we tend to CREATE our own reality--which ends up being very far from reality.
My only suggestion to you is this: have a relationship. And if that doesn't work, have another. You need the experience of knowing what women really are, so that you have a better appreciation of their deeper qualities.
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Post by jonny on Jul 19, 2012 14:10:22 GMT -8
Thank you for your comments no i have never become a torch bearer these thoughts of a pretty sexy passing lady are as you say usually fleeting and temporary except one woman i had a relationship with who did not reciprocate my feelings and i got locked into her with Lawrence that was very hard to get over i had to use a hypnotist in the end to finally get over the addiction ...
I have always in the past become infatuated with my dates if i fancy them but that has always gone after having consummated sex...
After losing my wife suddenly not even ill after many happy years together i was venerable and needy so the last relationship i had was with a Chinese born lady she was pretty and sexy and she became my P.O.A and after three yrs of her pushing me many times over my boundaries with cultural differences and also a language barrier which i tried to understand and wanted it to work...
I have stopped seeing her about three months ago as i was very addicted to her the pain as eased much now and i can control it but is was lovely times times mixed with lots of pain in an unhealthy relationship hurting each other.....but i feel much better away from her now ....but i still get the eking for the buzz addiction but im sure its a misplaced emotion as i usually get it at the same time i get a trigger that makes me miss and want my lost wife as the ache is the same feeling ?
It does worry very much since i read on here that LA are fueled by sexual arousal i know in my case it is.... I dont know if its the same for women im always looking maybe i need to try and control my desires to stop the fantasies more looking for the buzz fix ? ....
jonny xxx take care
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Post by jonny on Jul 26, 2012 23:22:00 GMT -8
HELP ME !! help i saw my P.O.A online yesterday and it scared me to death bringing all the pain back to me i cant believe how much the addiction to chat to her was then how much i thought i miss her the acke in my tummy was not very nice at all also the same day a friend of hers contacted me to ask me to help her becuase her husband was having an affair triggering my connection to my P.O.A she is also chinese and has nobody in the uk she can trust as she had met me several times she felt she could trust me .. Then later that day i met a lady who we had been out to dinner with her and her husband and she said her husband had phoned my P.O.A to invite us out again and my she was surprised at how my P.O.A did not phone them back to have dinner with them again this made me feel so rejected some how o the acke ...... last week i went to a international horse show of which my late wife and i attended every year meeting frineds from all over the uk as we all went out for dinner we sat in the resteraunt and it triggers of in me the death of my wife and the acke of missing her becomes so powerflle then i get a displaced emotion and tranfere it to missing my P.O.A The next morning i woke up in the hotel just as my wife and i had done for many many many yrs before and i just cried and cried missing her so much then again i transfere the misplaced emotion to missing my P.O.A the trigger effect is so painfle and my P.O.A is chinese and her culture was alawys to make me prove i wanted to be with her this used to make my self asteem very low ...also next week i am meeting my oldest son and wife with my grandson in Paris where once again my wife and i have been with all my family also going to Disney world i am terified the trigger effect will hit me again my youngest son has told me to go to these places expecting things to trigger then it will not hit me as hard as a massive surprise when i hits me ..... also at this moment my 89 yr old mother is in and out of hospital and using emotional black mail on me as people seem to see that i am a very caring person my chinese P.O.A used this on me very much and hurt me many times......i have woke up this morning in fear of it all WHAT DO I DO ?? The pain is so bad and all very confusing and hard to control and i thought after 4 month of no contact i was doing so well ....maybe its the fact all this is happening all at once sending me out of control jonny take care xxx |
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Post by jonny on Jul 28, 2012 1:12:18 GMT -8
Thank you so much Requim for your kind reply yes somebody said to me the other day cant you go to new places but this is quite difficult as i loved to take my P.O.A to many many lovely places in my area my youngest son said if you go to these places Dad try to be prepared in future for the triggers and my friend said try to think of the happy times you had but this i find very difficult without missing them but i wll try to do this in Paris this week .
Im going to Paris this week to meet my oldest son and and his wife and my 4 yr old grandson then also Eurodisney both these places i have been many times with my wife so i am already scared before i go so i will have to try and be prepared like my son says or think of the happy times together.. he is reffering to my late wife not my P.O.A but the ackeing pain gives me misplaced emeotions and make me miss them both but my councillor told me a long time ago to realise when it happens as to the real root which is usually my wife as the acke of missing is the same as the acke of addiction to my P.O.A once again thank you for your post .
take care jonny
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Post by jonny on Jul 28, 2012 9:49:21 GMT -8
Once again thank you very much for your support yes it was so tragic to lose my wife who i loved so dearly so suddenly after 36 yrs of being so happily married... Its then i first became aware of trigger events whilst grieving over the loss of my wife and having meetings with my councillor not reolising it would affect me the same with my P.O.A.... today i went to a large indoor shopping centre i used to go there when i first lost my wife as it helped my attachment hunger being amongst so many people made me feel connected somehow and not so much alone..
About a week ago my P.O.A change her msn profile picture to her with female friends at this shopping centre..... i went to get some clothes for my trip to Paris but i could feel her presence knowing in the past few days she was actually in this shopping centre i had to fight it hard the addiction of wanting to bump into her or see her it was not easy but i did it somehow and stayed for a few hours at one point it made me feel sick and has lasted a few hrs inside me im off to a party tonight so i will try and pull myself together....I feel so alone and empty when this happens.....
If only she knew how much she used to hurt me and according to her chinese culture she insists she is a good person trying always not to hurt me but at the same time not respecting me when i used to tell her what hurt me so much she would carry on doing it and hide it from me it used to hurt me so much at least i know now i should have controlled my boundaries after reading all about boundaries and trying to understand what it meant to protect myself ......
take care jonny
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Post by jonny on Jul 28, 2012 22:46:53 GMT -8
I went to the party last light but it was not easy to forget about my P.O.A i have woke up this morning with the pain of wanting to know what she is doing and who she is with and thinking she is enjoying herself without me even wanting to drive past her home to see who is with her as in the past she has a chinese man friend who she has always insisted he was only her friend even though he sometimes stayed the night telling me it was a chinese custom to offer your bed to a visitor and you sleep on the couch in a one bedroomed flat something that has always hurt me and affected my trust in her and affected my self asteem it makes me feel rejected and left out..one time they even hid and did not answer the door to me she said it was not to hurt me as she knew i did not like it happening she still insisted he was just a friend only..the rejection and feeling left out is something my councillor said is learnt behaviour as a child which i try to work on and control ... as a differnt sex partner staying over in the uk everyone thinks you are sleeping with them especially if they staying over several times at your home you never really know the real truth there is always dought as much as you want to trust them
I have even asked a few chinese people i know and they say they would assume the same as me also but she says its her way but its not an easy one to handle ....
I hate feeling like this it makes feel so lonely empty and useless....At least my councillor has taught me to not act on these driven feelings always act when feeling normal and in control and fully informed so i can stop myself from contacting her ....but how i hate feeling like this it realy hits my self asteem with the addiction withdrawal pain ....
It hurts me just to type in the words right now it stirs me all up thinking of the past things she has done to me not respecting my western ways sometimes it makes me feel so useless there again since i have stopped seeing her my self asteem has inproved greatly when im feeling strong its just the weak moments i hate when it increases my attachment hunger ...
take care jonny
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Post by jonny on Jul 30, 2012 23:37:40 GMT -8
I was reading a thread today and found it very interesting when some people where referring to virtual reallity P.O.As as in partners they chat to on IM.....when ever i get chatting to a woman on IM i have met on a dating site with their full profile inclu pics... it fules my addiction to dream with this woman and it becomes very addictive fillling all my dreams and desires i have come to reolise it is not good for my addiction leaving me craving after chatting increasing my attachment hunger not wanting to leave them which is quite bizzare considering we have never actually met ....am i correct in saying this is not good for us addicts ??
Its the dream and the buzz giving us so much high time pleasure that does it...can someone explain to me why do we do it and what causes us to do it is it all to do with the inner child ?? please tell me....sometimes i worry about the future wondering if i will ever be happy again and find true love this love addiction seems to be so controlling i wonder if it is getting in the way of true happyness and reality trapped in the world of dreams sometimes it makes me feel sick inside my tummy or is this the withdrawal craving ??
Im off to Paris tomorrow to meet my oldest son and wife and my 4 yr old grandson Beck and on Friday we are going to EuroDisney so its some reallity theraphy this week lol although this wont be easy as ive been there a few times with my late wife i need to learn how to keep myself high on happy memeries without it making me miss her so much ....
Can someone please just remind me or explain how to start a new topic thread i seem to have lost or forget how to do it or where the button is to start the new thread ??
take care jonny
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Post by lifegoeson on Jul 31, 2012 6:45:34 GMT -8
Jonny what do you think can help you to get unstuck? What are you doing about it?
You must register to post. We have to be able to contact you.
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Post by jonny on Jul 31, 2012 9:01:31 GMT -8
Do you mean what am i doing about stuck as a love addict ?? or getting over the sudden death of my wife or trying to stay away from my P.O.A all at the same time.... also dealing with my mother suddenly in and out of hospital because just recently with all this happening its upset me with everything especially when it makes me have misplaced emotions like missing my wife makes me want my P.O.A something my grieving councillor taught me fortunately.... all in all not easy at the moment ? just giving you the full story not sure exactly what you meant or do i presume you just mean getting unstuck from being a love addict and trying to get over the withdrawal of not seeing her with no contact for 4 months my P.O.A ? As far as bing stuck i try to find out and learn and understand as much as i can to help myself or as in greiving i had to have councilling...
Im going to Paris tomorrow till Sunday inclu EuroDisney both places my wife loved this will make me miss her so much i am meeting my son and his wife and my Grandson i need to be strong for them all ....
take care jonny
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Post by jonny on Aug 9, 2012 2:57:14 GMT -8
Yesterday i had lunch with a freind of my P.O.A ( he being chinese young man) and he wanted to talk about our relationship at first i said i dont want to talk about it ..and said i dont want any more hurt ...he said do you want to know her side off it and i said ok although i was a little afraid to hear ....
He said she is lonely in a strange country in uk (she has ben here 6 yrs ) and misses her son very much who is in China (as she is chinese) and likes me very much he said she has not contacted me as i have not contacted her she says because she does not want to hurt me anymore ..this churned up all my emeotions and i thought how lovely of her not wanting to hurt me any more how considerate but this very much the chinese way not to hurt but she knows what hurt me many times before and still did it and hid it from me thinking she was being good to me this hurt me lots.....
I woke up this morning with a dull acke wanting to see her and feel i need to look after her feeling she is alone but there again she has a chinese man friend ONLY a friend she insists even tho she tells me he has offered to be her boyfriend is she nieve or is it me or it that just the chinese way i dont know ? but he does stay at her home overnight she says this is chinese way (although he only lives 15 mins away) this has given me many hurt as i could never except they where just freinds and i will never know ? its just i could not live with it so she would do it and not tell me which in western terms i told her is very bad because its called decieve something we hate hate very much so it was well over my boundary but i took it for a long time hurting me very much ......now i feel reponcible and feel i need to take care of her but then i think well if the chinese man friend is doing this then i stay away and leave her alone to stop me hurting im sure it will pass and yesterday was a trigger event i need to get over and control the withdrawal i am such a caring person with a big consciouce ...and it kicks in my attachment hunger....she has always insisted that she wants a boyfreind to take care of her...
She is devorced twice once in China once in uk whether that would increase her insecurity as in China the men dont want women twice devorced... i dont know as she always wants reasurance all the time but im told so do most chinese women its in their culture and it always made me feel under pressure to make her happy and very demanding towards me as to her future..
take care jonny
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Post by requin on Aug 9, 2012 10:02:22 GMT -8
hi jonny, she's an adult. It is not your job to take care of her. I understand your concern, but you ahve to look out for you first and foremost. Also what you're saying is true, if she has this other guy, and wants him to stay over, even if it is platonic, then maybe she's getting cared for by him. Is that her only goal in having a man, to be taken care of? If so, is that all you want in a woman, someone to take care of?
Have you thought about what you really want, and set some boundaries based on that?
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Post by jonny on Aug 9, 2012 10:21:07 GMT -8
Thank you very much for your advice requin in sure you are perfectly correct and i do realise now i do need to set my boundaries and i would usuely do this sooner with a same culture relationship because i would understand it more... but i made to many allowances while trying to understand the Chinese culture and her ways and got hurt so many many times... im hopeing in the future to now realise about my emotional boundaries more as it has been very hurtful to me....If i was in a same culture relationship i would have been out of it a long time ago and it did not help getting addicted to her ....once again thank you ...
take care...... jonny
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Post by requin on Aug 9, 2012 10:53:00 GMT -8
Hi jonny, well I keep wondering if she's using the topic of her Chinese culture as an..excuse? or something to act in ways that are upsetting you. I'm not trying to be judgemental here I'm just wondering. She's not in China, so are these things she's doing that she claims are cultural...are they necessary? Are they so ingrained that she cannot change them, and be more in tune w/ the UK culture? I don't know I'm just throwing out ideas/thoughts. Because it sort of sounds like she's doing these things which seem strange to you, and might to anyone, then she says Oh but that's what we do, it's a cultural thing. Really?
I know what you mean that the cross culture differences do make the boundaries harder to set and maintain.
It is so hard, almost impossible at least to me, to set boundaries that are best for ME and keep them even if it means losing or not getting someone I want. We so much do not wish to be lonely, that's why we compromise our boundaries in the first place, and as you said, we get hurt again and again by doing that. It is a rough road.
Stay strong.
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Post by jonny on Aug 9, 2012 12:00:58 GMT -8
Hi Requin
Yes my youngest son said something along the lines you say even saying she should listen to me and try to repect me and my culture more otherwise she just uses it being selfish in wanting someone to take care of her and i also agree with what you say about the other man even if its only platonic he is taking care of her someway so i feel i should bow out as she is not having two of us taking care of her....
Like you said she is an adult and from what i have read a multicultural relationship is usually ten times more difficult than a same culture one so its not easy without other parts of thier personality.... well its all been an experience for me lots of happyness and lots and lots of pain i can only learn from it now ...I know i am a good genuine man who was married for 36 wonderful years and she knew this its a pity maybe she took advantage of me ...her loss i think...then she could never understand why i would not commit to her with all this going on...
take care ....Jonny
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Post by jonny on Aug 19, 2012 0:53:33 GMT -8
This week was my late wifes birthday my daughter came to stay with me for a couple of days with my 2 year old grandson we took flowers to my wifes grave and my two sons took thiers later in the eveing all my family where at my home that eveing and to see them all together made me so happy esp seeing the two grandsons aged 2 and 4 playing together but when they all left it made me so very very sad and i cried lots making me miss my wife so much this left me with what i ususlly call abnormal attachment hunger feeling i need attachment but the more i felt this mood the more i thought maybe what i call attchment hunger is actually being vunerable in grief not wanting to be alone and lonely interesting i thought anyone any ideas ?? take care jonny xx |
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Post by requin on Aug 19, 2012 5:12:01 GMT -8
jonny you are dealing w/ so much emotionally. You are still grieving your beloved wife and that can take a long time to get past. Have you ever had any counselling or looked for a grief support group? Maybe that would help.
I too often feel very sad and lonely after I have family at my house and then they leave. I have a small family so even if just one like my mom or my sister comes and visits I enjoy it so much and when they leave the silence is deafening and I feel deflated and alone. It's probably even worse when it's a bunch of family members and little kids! So I know how you feel. I think it is normal when we are alone to feel sad when loved ones come and go that way. And for that to trigger grief over your wife..that is ok, jonny, that is normal, you can cry.
What I try to do when that happens is instead of allowing myself to feel too lonely I find something to do, I put on a movie or I do my painting by number or whatever..just something to break the emotional 'spell' of them being there then leaving..fill the house w/ music or something, do something to get yourself out of that alone feeling, and then you can remember their visit happily instead of in a sad lonely way.
I guess we have to learn to be ok in our aloneness, whether it's from the loss of a loved one or simply not finding a loved one, or withdrawal from a poa, or whatever..before we can be strong enough to seek out love and companionship from someone else. But friends help and a support group would probably help you a lot. Seems like you have unresolved, unfinished grief and that is ok, you need to heal from that first.
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Post by jonny on Aug 24, 2012 1:11:31 GMT -8
Thank you very much Requin xx
Yes i have had lots of very good counselling in the passed and it helped very much and i became much stronger over time..... lots of things you say are very true and a great help to me and i do try like you say to be active after a trigger event i suppose it gives me a surprise when it hits me and i thought i would be much stronger sooner but like people say you just have to live with it and like you said i have been dealing with lots of emeotions and the latest being my 90 yr old mother who is very ill in hopsital and her furture quite unknown and that in itself is a worry ....but with all these things happening it keeps me occupied even if it is full of emeotions....sometimes i feel as if i am just muddling along but since i stopped seeing my P.O.A my family say i seem a lot better and more myself and my withdrawal is getting weeker (thank god ) even tho i still miss her or shall i say the buzz i just have to think of all the times she has hurt me so much.....like you said i need to get used to being alone and happy with myself somehow.....once again thank you for your support
take care jonny xxx
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honey
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 70
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Post by honey on Dec 23, 2012 11:55:52 GMT -8
Hi Requin Yes my youngest son said something along the lines you say even saying she should listen to me and try to repect me and my culture more otherwise she just uses it being selfish in wanting someone to take care of her and i also agree with what you say about the other man even if its only platonic he is taking care of her someway so i feel i should bow out as she is not having two of us taking care of her.... Like you said she is an adult and from what i have read a multicultural relationship is usually ten times more difficult than a same culture one so its not easy without other parts of thier personality.... well its all been an experience for me lots of happyness and lots and lots of pain i can only learn from it now ...I know i am a good genuine man who was married for 36 wonderful years and she knew this its a pity maybe she took advantage of me ...her loss i think...then she could never understand why i would not commit to her with all this going on... take care ....Jonny HI I agree with you all , setting healthy boundary is very hard for us to build and in this way we are so vulnerable and easily damaged... God help us ..... |
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 23, 2012 12:48:01 GMT -8
Welcome Honey,
Can you go to the "newcomers thread" under the "home" tab and introduce yourself, so everyone will see your new here.
Tell us your story how you got here, and what your short term recovery goals are.
You will find alot of support and knowledge on this forum.
Again welcome...
Keep coming back. :-)
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