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Post by runrunrun on Jul 19, 2012 13:38:26 GMT -8
Constant pings. This is the unhealthy guy friend I removed from my life a few months ago. I complained about him in the He's Testing The Boundaries thread.
I have not answered a single one of his calls and I told him in a simple email that I am removing myself from his life. But around every 2 weeks or so he calls or emails. And its kind of bizarre. The emails and voice mails he leaves sound casual, like 2 best friends would talk to each other. There is no 'hey you havent responded to any of my emails, I hope youre alive' in it.
Its all so strange to me. But he keeps persisting. I have his phone numbers blocked and his email blocked. But he keeps getting around these blocks by using a phone number or email address I have never heard of.
Has anyone of you ever dealt with someone so persistent?
RRR
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Post by jonny on Jul 19, 2012 13:46:38 GMT -8
If you really dont want anything to do with him Change your e mail address and change your phone number  just a suggestion if thats what you REALLY want He may be treating you as a challenge or cant stand the fact he is being rejected by you... its any ones guess unless we actual knew him jonny xxx |
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 19, 2012 15:20:08 GMT -8
It actually sounds like he may have a mild form of Autism or Asperger's Syndrome. Certain people with this condition do know recognize normal social cues. You may have to FIRMLY and DIRECTLY ask him to stop contacting you, again. You can also IGNORE just as Requin suggests. He will get the message. No communication IS communication. It says I do not want anything to do with you. Unfortunately, he just may be hard at reading people in general. www.asperger-advice.com/asperger-symptoms-in-adults.html |
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 20, 2012 8:20:11 GMT -8
My 17 year old has aspergers. I think what this guy has is narcissist personality disorder. I really think he does not comprehend the fact that someone doesnt want to hang out with him. I am on the verge of changing my email address. Might even change my phone number. But I think first I will ask one more time and make it perfectly clear that I want no contact with him at all.
THanks
RRR
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Post by healthyme on Jul 20, 2012 19:43:44 GMT -8
RRR,
I was that persistant, while in active Love Addiction.
Thankful for recovery.
VERY Thankful.
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Post by healthyme on Jul 21, 2012 13:44:08 GMT -8
Requin,
Yes I saw a pattern of wanting other people to establish healthy boundaries for me in step 4 & 5. Also saw the pattern of no one doing that for me. My ex H wasn't going to end the marriage, he just wasn't going to be in it. The PoA wouldn't end it completely, sometimes he'd get impatient with my compulsive contacts & tell me it was over, but then get over it & call me again.
Today, in no contact, he still pings occassionally, just did this week. For my own well being I do not respond, period. We've dance that dance too many times. I end up in a place that is very hard to come out of if I engage with him for any amount of time. I have asked him not to contact me anymore via text before, he didn't...until it was time to on his own cycle.
It's not about out smarting him or making him do what I need to get better. It's about understanding my limits. My bottom line is no contact, it's not his, it's mine, for my own recovery.
It was a process for me to get to NC, it's a process I'd never want to re-live. I keep that door shut & it's for the very best.
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 22, 2012 3:31:45 GMT -8
I was going to try to tell him to leave me alone one more time. But I just talked to my sponsor who says that guys like him see that as a challenge. So it might egg him on more. I know one thing he is a narcissist. And a narcissist wont get it that someone doesnt want to hang out with them or be their friend. My sponsor, who is a nurse, says talking to a narcissist is like talking to a drunk. They wont get your point. Plus she says not to put any energy into the situation. And to remove myself from it as much as possible. That is if I dont fear that he will turn into a stalker or cause me any harm.
He showed up unannounced at my kayak club yesterday. We have a system in place where members RSVP for events they plan to attend. He has earned the nickname Silent Tom because he never RSVPs. He just shows up. And yesterday I was the host of the event and I was there to teach kayak safety skills. So I couldnt just leave. I tried to remove myself from him and avoid him as much as possible. But it was still uncomfortable.
If youre in a ping and ping back situation with someone who you dont want in your life you might try removing yourself from it as much as possible. Setting up the email and cell phone blocks. And not putting any energy (emotional energy) into it. Maybe once he realizes he is not getting any attention at all from his attempts he will eventually give up. I expect my narcissist ex friend will take a little longer to give up.
RRR
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 22, 2012 9:03:06 GMT -8
Wow RRR, you have a real situation on your hands. This guy sounds like he is very out of touch, and someone who is going to really test the boundaries. So I guess that's what is going on- life is giving you a very, very thorough exploration of how to deal with someone who just won't take the hint. And may have mental problems.
My suggestion would be to completely ignore him like you are doing, at the same time being very cordial and utterly emotionless with him if he continues to turn up at the club, edging heavily on the side of superficially nice. Don't give anything away in your demeanour. Make sure you get to debrief with some face to face or on the phone too afterwards. If it was me I would want the chance to feel what is coming up for me with someone I trust. Because it's creepy to have that happening. Be strong and remember to feel your feelings when you can.
Keep posting.
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Post by healthyme on Jul 22, 2012 19:10:53 GMT -8
RRR,
That's great that you have come to a cordial distance while at a place of interest. Agreed about not putting energy into the situaion.
If someone is in a ping & ping back situation I would say strive for a place of not pinging back. That's the only thing that worked for me. It was a great day (not easy day) when I thoroughly understood my bottom line. Absolutely no contact regardless of how I feel or his behavior.
Good job speaking with action.
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Post by newbeginning41 on Jul 22, 2012 23:23:49 GMT -8
My Husband and I have been separated for a year and 2 months. Two weeks after I put him out I wanted him back... I guess chose to go through the abuse than be alone but my Higher Power didn't see fit to let that come to fruition.  I went home for 3 months to GA and it was the best thing I could have done. It didn't stop him from calling and harassing me and trying to control me. He got me there a few times.... When I came home Raleigh NC it felt good to be on my own. But hearing him party a row of apartments over did nothing for the anger I had inside. I was bitter then. How could he party so hard when he had a family that loved him. How could he leave us behind?  I had to deal with the loneliness and all the feelings that went along with it and it was not easy but I am doing it. I am getting much better. I don't even think about him anymore. No contact is awesome. Not having to be a door mat for him and his problems.  I want to try dating when I get divorced. Only when I am ready though. I Feel like I am......  He calls or texts when he has no one to talk to or is alone. He hates being alone. Funny I realized that he fits into one of these Love addiction categories. He loves intimacy but is emotionally unavailable. He is also actively addicted to drugs and alcohol.  I use to answer the texts and calls for a while but then I stopped. I stopped and it felt good. It wasn't healthy for me. I ignored him but I didn't stop reading the texts. When I read them I realized how desperate he was. He would even ask the kids about me. He would even hang out near the house. I wanted my life to go on so I ignored him and eventually he stopped hanging out to see what was going on.  I know now that i need to have no contact with him but he bought a car from me. Now he asks me for money and hugs... I ignore him. I let him know it is not ok by ignoring him. It's ok to do that and it protects me from trying to "fix" things when he tried to give me his sad stories "manipulation". Everything is everyone else's fault never his.... I own my mess because and when I know better I do better. Anyway... ignore him. Don't respond. he will get the message. |
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Post by diamond on Jul 23, 2012 15:23:07 GMT -8
RRR congrats on the way you are handling this individual... He sounds like a narcissist just as you said, ie. no regard for anyone else but himself. I'm sure he's not going to "get it" in this lifetime but you are doing great and taking firm yet passive action. Well done!!! It's a war of attrition! If you keep doing what you are doing he will eventually go away... or perhaps he'll stop when he finds someone else to bother. Either way, he sounds really disturbed.
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 25, 2012 13:33:59 GMT -8
"I don't even think about him anymore"
New Beginning, this is exactly what no contact is about. Keep up the good work. It will get easier.
Diamond and healthy me, thanks for the wise words. I am glad I have this forum to help through these things.
This is what has happened since....I spoke with organizer of the club and requested that she require him to RSVP for events like the rest of us do. She said that she talked to him and he claimed he only called me twice after I asked for no contact. OF course he didnt fess up to the barrage of emails.
But then I started to think about it and there is no minimum or maximum number of contact attempts thats considered acceptable after someone sets a boundary. Any form of contact after the boundary is set is showing lack of respect for the boundary.
So if someone claims, 'well I only emailed or called you once' that once is still unacceptable. And anyone who uses that as an excuse shows issues with respecting boundaries.
Another one of my ex friend's excuses to my club organizer was 'he needs a lot of attention'. Those were his own words. Starting to sound more and more narcissistic to me.
RRR
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 26, 2012 12:11:43 GMT -8
The thing is, someone who has decided to ignore a boundary set by a friend, colleague, or whatever, can also get off on irritating that person by continuing. They enjoy seeing that they have some effect, and if it's a negative one that's OK with them, because at least it's something. It's what children do when they haven't been able to get positive loving attention. They turn to getting bad attention, and then a habit is formed.
These people really need those boundaries to be firm. The less emotion you can show, especially irritation, the quicker he will give up. Think of him as a little baby, and treat him that way, very, very kindly, but absolutely with all your boundaries in place.
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Post by runrunrun on Jul 26, 2012 13:14:18 GMT -8
jacara, exactly and thats exactly what my sponsor said. Its like a challenge for them. And any attention be it negative or positive is still attention. I am ignoring anything and everything from him. Thanks
RRR
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just a suggestion if thats what you REALLY want 
