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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 20, 2012 18:01:43 GMT -8
I was at my AA meeting a couple of weeks ago and a friend of mine's sponsor was there, I had forgot that she worked at a local bookstore and I asked her if she would get my inner child book for me, with her discount....well too my surprise, she got me the book, and she would not let me pay her for it, even though i insisted...what a nice person. The book is discussed on this forum alot.."John Bradshaw's Homecoming--Reclaiming & Healing your Inner Child, I started reading it today, but iam a little scared to look at my inner child, but i have too do this, so i can reparent "little Carolyn", because i do still carry alot of saddness from my childhood, being adopted, and alcoholic parents, plus them dying when i was just a teen...so i believe this book will finally give me alot of comfort, once i get thru the painful memories...
I woke up yesterday morning and I had this vision of "little carolyn" sitting in a chair in my kitchen, with my head in my hands, just crying my eyes out, i have been hurting all of my life, and this is probably why i dont want too let people get too close, and now i learning how to read people better and i can protect myself, so if a person is unhealthy in the first place, i dont need to let them get to close anyway. Recovery as its best.
Like i said in another thread, some of my AA peers act like i dont know what iam doing, i very capable of taking care of myself, i have taken care of myself all of my life. But they are still talking to me after being sober for 3 years, just like they did when i walked thru the doors. They have not even noticed how ive have changed. I was feeling the other day, like i was doing something wrong, not so, i was just not talking to the right people, who understand....my little community on this forum.
I will keep everyone updated on how my inner child work is going, im sure i will need support, understanding, and positive feedback.
One Day At A Time...
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 21, 2012 9:41:57 GMT -8
hello Carolyn....great to hear....its a journey....and you will be okay....i promise.....trust your hp....he will do for you....what you cannot do....let him do it for you.... "They have not even noticed how ive have changed. I was feeling the other day, like i was doing something wrong, not so, i was just not talking to the right people, who understand". Carolyn.....they havent notice you changed because they havent changed.....you are exactly right about not talking to the right people....remember what LJ says.....water seeks its own level.... I love John Bradshaw...i did a work shop with him once...he is awesome...and he has been thru alot in his life.... Reconnecting with my inner child was huge for me......i am grateful for that journey....and it continues everyday....One day at a time.....I was stuck in everyone elses stuff....until i learned to embrace my little suzy....be gentle with yourself and your inner child....just let her know she is safe now....and you will take care of her....and never ever let anyone hurt her again..... "I woke up yesterday morning and I had this vision of "little carolyn" sitting in a chair in my kitchen, with my head in my hands, just crying my eyes out, i have been hurting all of my life, and this is probably why i dont want too let people get too close, and now i learning how to read people better and i can protect myself," My early visions of my inner child was....i was sitting in the corner of the room all alone....and very very sad.....with my head down in my hands.....eventually with alot of conversation.....my inner child began to connect with me...and trust me....to the point that we embrace each other....we are here for you Carolyn.....keep us posted....Sun  |
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 21, 2012 10:16:44 GMT -8
Thx sun, i will lean on my love addiction forum as i go through this journey.
And your right abt my peers in AA have not noticed the change in me because they have not changed, this is very true.
Thx for your kind words.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 21, 2012 11:25:49 GMT -8
your welcome....keep doing good for you.....recovery is now about us....I learned many years ago....and believe me when i tell you.....when someone opens their mouth and says something to you.....its them projecting themselves their you....."Dont take anything personally".. First time i experienced this was in the 80's....I heard it from a psychologist...I was with my sister....we were driving in the car she says to me....boy you have alot of gray hair....and i didnt say anything....I kept my mouth shut...and remembered what this psychologist said ...so now i am looking at her hair....and I noticed that she had tons more gray than me....plus she is 16 months older than me too.....about 5 minutes after that....she says.....after she looked in the mirror....boy i need to dye my hair...i have alot of gray hair.....So this told me ...that what the psychologist said....was absolutely correct....i find that so much....so i dont take it personnally anymore...i will never forget that....and if you keep this always in the back of your mind....you will then find that....this is correct....what people say to us...is a projection of themselves....we do it to....but now we have this awareness .....It just like....when we are bothered by someone elses actions....its because...its a projection of what we do and we dont like...... Carolyn...are you also seeking professional help to do inner child work? take care Sun |
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 21, 2012 12:58:07 GMT -8
Sun, your correct about what people say to us, is only a reflection too what is going on within themselves. And this one person in my AA group, she really gets under my skin, and i believe it is because i used to act like her, i thought i was a little better than everybody else. But she also acts like my sister when we were younger, she is quick to point out what iam doing wrong, but she is doing the same thing. And she also runs from having to look within herself, because she thinks she is perfect, it just bugs me sometimes. And i can feel the tension when we are in a group of people, but if she is not there, there is no tension. Im just not going to worry anymore about a friendship, we are just AA peers.
No Sun iam just reading for right now, and if it gets to painful, I do have a counselor that I can talk too, and help me too work thru this. Iam just finishing chapter one, and making alot of notes, and feelings of how i felt during certain times as a child, when it relates to me. I have my notebook also. I see alot of my wounded child behaviors with just the little bit that i have read, and alot of my chaos was when i was drinking, i always hurts myself, when someone hurts me, with multiply duis, quitting jobs, because i could not explain my pain, so i drank. I always thought it was a sign of weakness to cry, so i would never cry. I just did not have coping skills, i only knew survival skills, since i lost my parents at a young age. I was never sexually abused as a child, but emotionally I was, but i never felt safe and secure, because my parents were always drunk. So anyway enough about that, it hurts to say all of this, because i know now my parents were sick themselves, and they did the best they could. Im going to re-parent little carolyn, and she will never have to worry again about being abandoned, or hurt again.
And Sun it feels good to finally getting back to the person i was taking care of me. Iam comfortable in my own sick. hugs :-)
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 21, 2012 13:06:27 GMT -8
What Sun is talking about, the ability to project, is what the process of self-enquiry reveals, only in the direction of what I project about you, rather than what you project on me. Of course, both are true. But there is an interesting thing about the things people say to us that hurt us, or that we strongly deny or react to. The strength of the reaction in us is a clue that they have hit on something that we don't want to look at in ourselves. They may have called us one thing, and we know we genuinely are not that, but we still feel hurt. So the invitation is to look and see where it might be true in our lives. Not to defend, but to be interested in knowing ourselves. This approach is also a bit edgy for codependents who can be liable to take on what others say, so I'm aware this is not everyone's cup of tea. But what she talks about is pretty fascinating to me, because it's so alien to how society thinks, to how we are trained to think, and that is to defend ourselves when we are attacked (metaphorically). I defend myself too, don't worry, I'm not saying I'm past that or anything. It's such a radical thing she discovered for herself, it's really the closest experience to what Jesus talked about (if what the bible says has some truth left in it) that i have heard talked about by someone alive today. Not trying to draw any correlations there though! So when it happens to us, we can ask ourselves "is it possible that there could be some truth in what that person just said?" and for a moment, just honestly look inside to see if they could be seeing something that we are hiding from ourselves. One of the most vulnerable things I have ever done is to write a page of judgments about someone who said a bunch of things to me I didn't like, and read them out to that person, and then do self-enquiry on that page of statements. I had a facilitator there to ask me the questions. It's an incredible feeling to be so unguarded with "the enemy" (mostly nowdays it's my flatmate or her dad  ) It is very powerful. But hey, I'm not suggesting you do that, it's not for beginners, and to do that process you should have someone there who has done the work, and ideally is a trained facilitator. I just wanted to share another perspective with you. Great that you are so committed to your growth carolyn, you are amazing. Give your inner child a hug from me. |
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 21, 2012 13:49:13 GMT -8
Jaca, thanks for your knowledge also, as for this friend, she is just very judgemental...we have had numerous conversations about certains things, and when we are talking she will ask me something, that i have told her numerous times in the past, so what this tells me is, she is not really interested in what iam saying, she just wants to fix me, i dont need to be fixed, i just need someone to listen, and absorb what iam saying...she is very codependent. we just do not see eye to eye, and i just have to accept that. She still talks to me, just like she did 3 years ago when i went to my first AA meeting. I just have to protect myself, and maybe she will figure it out one day. im moving on and healing me.
I will update yall when i do my wounded inner child questionaire shortly, it will let me know the extent of my wound child work that i need to do.
Again Jaca thanks for your knowledge and support.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 21, 2012 14:48:45 GMT -8
Ok this is what I know so far: I took the questionnaire in the inner child book, it said if you answer "yes" to 10 or more questions there is some serious work to do, out of 60 questions I answered yes to 14, if I had read this book when I first got sober 3 yrs ago, or even a year ago when i found the forum, i would have probably had alot more yes', so i am healing. Im just amazed now by becoming aware now, just how i stopped taking care of me, while i was drinking, i just stopped caring, and just gave up on me. dang..
I know when my parents died when i was in my teens, and i was on my own, i put myself thru school, i worked, lived by myself, i took care of me, all by myself...i was a strong and confident woman, i did not depend on anyone, and that is where iam headed once again.....I will be happy, peaceful and content, and I do want my own place again, and with time and growth this will happen, I know I can do it.
What a revelation, today....wow...thank god we can recover and be all we can be. ;-)
PS: one more thing, i did exactly what my dad always told me not to do, i depended on a man and i lost my independence in the process, i have always worked and paid my way, but 10 yrs ago I lost my way, i gave up and did not want to be responsible anymore, i had worked all my life, and i wanted someone to take care of me. Well that plan did not work out too well for me. To be continued....
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 22, 2012 9:40:19 GMT -8
Your journey sounds like it is paying you dividends already. How fantastic is recovery! I love how it just seems to take the real intention to look, without hiding for a change, and life gives us so many rewards. Your experience as a teen sounds like it has stayed with you for a long time, waiting to be healed. I relate complettely to the desire to be looked after. My father was caring and he was there for me physically, but he was absent emotionally. My mother was an abuser, and he decided not to see it or act on it. He pretended it wasn't happening.
So much repercussion.
Your friend at AA is giving you a big clue there with the not listening, and how great that you can see it now. Well done. She is not someone who is going to be of much support to you, but actually she is helping you a lot, just not in the way she probably thinks she is. She is acting as a demo of what you don't want in a friend.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 22, 2012 13:06:20 GMT -8
Jaca, you correct about the kind of friends i do not need, iam just me take it oe leave it. i know what is up, no secret there.
But yes i see little miracles happening in my life on a daily basis now...iam doing the footwork, and someone who knows what is best for me can handle the other stuff.
I got a prayers answered last nite or the wee hours of this morning, and i have been praying for this...my nephews wife found me on facebook, and wanted to be my friend, i was overjoyed, due too my nastiness in the last years of my drinking, my nephews had just stopped talking to me, and this has really been hurting me since I got sober. My nephew is going to let me be a part of his life again, he just did not want his kids to be around me like that, i was so mean & nasty. They are going to come up sometimes in Aug and spend a weekend, so i can finally meet my great niece & nephew....whew, i did not think this would happen. So miracles do happen, i finally getting my nephews back into my life, i loved them and the rest of my family so much. Life is good to me, and thank my HP, and thankful for 2nd chances. :-O
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Post by Herenow on Jul 23, 2012 6:27:52 GMT -8
wow what lovely news for you loving. What a testament to your recovery. I cannot even imagine how full of joy this makes you. funny you started this thread about people in AA treating you like they did when you were a newcomer and how some of them just hadn't seen how you changed, and then a couple of days later BAM! a blast from HP to validate your changes.
Makes me smile!!
big hugs
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 23, 2012 12:49:44 GMT -8
Yeah, me too, well said herenow. Congrats carolyn, life is quick to reward us when we really give up the addictive behaviour, and take that leap off the cliff. I love that. How wonderful for you to have those people back in your life. Talk about money can't buy happiness.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 23, 2012 13:41:03 GMT -8
Thx herenow & jaca....is it little miracles, my family is very important to me, they did not turn there back me, i turned my back them. So we will all be a family again, after a 5 yrs deficit.
Herenow you kept pushing me too get this inner child book, and i did, i have been reading chapter 2 for the last few hours, and i see where some of my childhood wounds still have not been healed, but what i have realized is my poa, abused me worst than my parents ever did, (not physical) but in every other way....he is dead to me now, b/c i have know doubt now just how mentally sick this man is...i just finished reading the meditation at the end of chp 2, and it is called "my name is toxic shame", the last 2 paragraphs is my poa, and that is how he made me feel. Im just kinda angry off that now, because he never cared abt me, he was just passing on his dead soul to me. I always stayed true to myself and the caring, loving person i have always been thru this whole ordeal.. so this is a book that i will read over & over again.
My next chapter is part 2, reclaiming my wounded inner child....no one will ever abuse little carolyn again, i so sorry that i did not protect her better once i got sober, but i guess i was not feeling to good about myself when i first got sober. it shows me how far a had fallen with my drinking. But to end on a high note, i kinda feel like this guy never existed, i feel nothing for him anymore. And I am finally getting back to the Carolyn that i used to be....im happy, joyous & free. hugs to all.....to be continued :-)
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Post by Herenow on Jul 23, 2012 14:59:09 GMT -8
ah loving!! all good, you seem to be right on time for loving yourself. You have been busy staying sober and uncovering all kinds of things about yourself. I have no doubt once you shine your beautiful heart on little carolyn she and you will fly!!
happy joyous and free right back atcha!
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 24, 2012 10:28:15 GMT -8
The inner child shows us the way. She is intuitive that way.
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Post by brainhealth on Jul 24, 2012 16:26:11 GMT -8
Hi Carolyn ,
Some observations:
1) Have you considered removing yourself from the company of that friend in AA - by terminating your AA meetings? Once you start inner child work you will realise that most things you need to survive come from within. I read somewhere (think it may have been women who love too much- but not sure) that all addictions are predicated on relationship addiction - ie relationship/love addiction cause the other addictions. Now, I'm no expert on this - but from my own experience this sounds reasonable. However, stress also plays it's part on all addictions. But, inner child work will help create stability within ourselves. Inner stability helps us deals with everything life throws at us including other peoples projections . You have started the key journey in addiction process recovery (my view!). Well done!
2) I can identify with the "stopped taking care of me thing" - loss of any addiction can drive this.
3) I am on facebook, but, never contribute anything - think it's a load of -hite. However, you are obviously praying, and, the HP does find a way, and in your case your answer came through facebook. I ask Archangel Michael. But I am really thrilled that you have made first contact again with family who mean so much to you.
3) Don't be so hard on yourself - the reason we all need to do inner child work is because we have forgotten how to take care of ourselves. We all have to learn how to be one with our inner child . That way we can protect him/her.
Well done on your work! Delighted for you.
Brainhealth
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Post by Loving My Life on Jul 25, 2012 4:23:15 GMT -8
Thx for your observations Brainhealth, No im not leaving my AA meeting, this is my home group, and i chair alot of meetings, and this is where i need to be, i have to stay connected with my local group...we have alot of newcomers who are in treatments centers so they need to hear the message. But I read something in my inner child book that i never thought about in this situation with my friend, and it gave me some peace, my friend cant give me what i need because she is needy herself, she also has alot of work to do, so i only have to see her 2 hours a week, and i can be cordial. Is is going to work out, I also think i see alot of myself in her, and it bugs me, i used to act like her,, and i thought i was better than everybody else, so im just trying to look at what is driving the way i feel.
Yea im not to crazy about facebook myself, it seems like a waste of time, but i can stay in touch with my aa peers and my family, it is worth it. It is no different that email and text msg, but im not in my 20's n 30's so it is just a fad. lol....thx for your spin on things. :-)
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 15, 2012 19:12:38 GMT -8
I have held of long enough..and i am feeling alot of pain now, i need some insight on this. As I continue on this journey, as painful as it is right now, as of tuesday i was finally able to cry, and now i just feel sad, empty, and totally alone...(i know my hp is with me), but i still feel alone.
Im really trying so hard to accept that what my poa put me thru it was all an illusion, and just alot of talk, and this really hurts me to the core, to realize that another human being could treat someone this way...i also know i have to feel all of this pain in order to heal. I would just like to know from the others who have done inner child work that this pain im feeling right now, is only temporary.
I realized also today that I have really had only two men to really love me for me, and one was my dad, and the other was my first boyfriend, and all of the other men, just needed something from me, this was a painful realization as well...i shared this with my sister this morning, and she was very supportive...
I just feel kind of numb right now.
I just wanted to share my feelings...and to make sure what iam feeling and going thru right now, is the normal part of this process, when we are doing our inner child work.
Thanks for letting me share.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Aug 15, 2012 22:14:57 GMT -8
Yes LML, i think it must be normal. I felt an enormous grief at realising that my parents were not there for me last year, when I really launched into the healing process after I had ended it with my PoA. I have been angry and resentful towards them for years, alternating with me trying to get close to them, and it seemed like I had to come to the realisation that they just aren't up for it. I cried and cried. And then I started to let go.
It's like we have to really feel that terrible aloneness in order to really find ourselves. REALLY feel it, without distracting or using something to avoid the brunt of it. I know what an abyss it feels like. It is a bit like dying, like the child in us dies and we grieve. The hope dies. And in it's place something new and precious grows. It's being in touch with reality and ourselves.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 15, 2012 22:15:41 GMT -8
Carolyn this too shall pass. You are doing great and yes this is part of your journey.....I am so happy that you got to cry and to feel your feelings.....feelings are feelings they are not facts....I promise you this too shall pass.....and more will be revealed .....just keep asking your hp for guidance....
Yes this is temporary and keep sharing it with us and your sponsor and whomever you feel safe with. This pain is very very old, embrace little Carolyn and tell her she is safe with you now and she will always be safe with you. hugs to you Sun
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 16, 2012 6:57:23 GMT -8
Thanks jaca & sun,
Im glad this is only temporary, because I was feeling like I was going a little crazy, I a little clearer and calmer this morning.
I beginning to accept these things, and I do know I can finally take care of me and my inner child.
I have also had a moment of clarify this morning about my local home group, it is not working for me any longer, iam not hearing the message, so iam going to move on from all the drama, and go to another group where i can hear the message that i need to hear.
And im going to take a few days off now, to enjoy life, and I will pick up more inner child work in a few weeks, good time to read my self-esteem book.
Hugs to you all :-)
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 16, 2012 7:56:37 GMT -8
Carolyn....glad to hear you are taking care of yourself. It's really important to do the next right thing for you and your inner child. At the time when I was working full blast on my inner child work I had a lot of support from people who went thru the same stuff. I actually was in a women's support group and going to therapy and my meetings and everything I could think of to help me go thru this time in my life. I was going to workshops and intenstives and willing to recover and bring back my inner child to a safe place within myself. Breaks are good because as we do this inner child work its very draining to me its emotional surgery it takes awhile to recovery and taking time is great to do. I have found for me that my hp continues to put people in my life for a reason, season or a lifetime. And its up to me to learn why he has done this, I have also found that I too need to stay clear away from drama I cant deal with it anymore and i dont need to deal with it anymore. However I find for me that when I get away from it, it comes back in different forms and in different people, its like my unresolved childhood issues and they keep coming back to me until its finished, changed, looked at and a different way of looking at it, healing and growing from it. And thats why we have to take the time to get us back in top shape for more. Its that onion peeling effect. You will get there I promise and just like what AA promises tell us....It does and it will happen for all of us. We just have to work the program, it does work, and we are worth it. Sun |
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 16, 2012 13:40:50 GMT -8
Thanks Sun, I just cant handle much drama anymore, so I taking charge of recovery, and doing what is best for me right now.
I read a little more and I have decided I cant do this alone, I called a counselor about some local support groups for people doing inner child work, if we dont have any local groups, then I just going to make an appointment and start going to see my counselor to help me to get thru this..because this goes back to my infancy...and i can see why i have acted and done some of the things i have done, it is unresolved pain, hurt, and like the book says primal rage...im going to look the up...
So Sun your input really helps me, because I know you were doing alot of inner child work when I came to this forum....thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope, it is very helpful.
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atlast
Junior Member
Posts: 71
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Post by atlast on Aug 17, 2012 7:38:57 GMT -8
LML
I have begun working on my innerchildren as well. I was a protagonist in a psychodrama just last weekend. There are NO words to describe the healing that occurred (its on-going, but I for the first time got in honest touch with my 4 year old and her feelings). I cried buckets and buckets. My 4 year old carries a lot of pain. Its my tween-teenager that gets me into trouble because she is obstinent, defiant, angry.
it took quite a lot of coaching from my therapist and recovery friends that I have gone before me to do it. I had a huge amount of fear trying to stop me. The good news is the fear is so much more than it should be, the actual pain is something very familiar and not overwhelming just very very cleansing. During the drama I felt so very vulnerable and raw, but I also thought " I can do this. This is where true healing can start."
Best wishes on your inner child journey, its truely a precious precious gift.
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 17, 2012 8:11:43 GMT -8
Carolyn, great to hear you are reaching out more. Just remember we did it alone all of our lives, and this is truly a we program. I remember John Bradshaw's work and he talks alot about primal rage, he is an excellant resource for inner child work. Your very welcome when I share it helps me as well, it shows me where I have been and how far I have come. Now after reading atlast post's, I might have tons of work to do with my teenager years. Like Atlast states, I also did alot of the psychodrama work and boy is that helpful, its just as if I go back into my early early years as a child and re live it and re experience it. It is so very healing and enlightening. Keep us posted Sun |
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Post by Loving My Life on Aug 17, 2012 13:39:54 GMT -8
thx atlast & sun,
I am feeling some relief today, i have been crying all week and i am just at the infancy stage and this is where all of my pain started, because of being adopted and also having alcoholic parents.
But it is refreshing to know the whys of my actions, when someone would reject me or hurt me, i understand now why i would react with such anger with people, because i wanted and needed to be validated. I now know how to get out of the line of fire, so to speak.
As I was driving home this afternoon, i was smiling, have not smiled much this week, but the thought came too my mind, nobody will ever hurt me or my inner child again, what a blessing to realize that at age 51, no one will ever be able to hurt me....yes i will have normal pain in my life, but i have the tools now, and will have more tools when i get thru this process, no human beings will ever hurt me again. That is a awesome feeling. So yes as painful as this journey is and will be, it is only temporary.
I thanked my HP today, for giving me the mental awareness to be able to understand all of this and to be able to handle it.
I have been running from this all of my life, i did not want to do this, but I have to now, and i so glad for everyone on this forum, bc i do not feel threatens when i share where i am in my recovery, and i dont feel like anyone is trying to ignore me, or trying to change my thinking on this, because of there own fears...this is such a blessing....
Hugs to everyone, because this journey is not always easy at times, but the rewards are never ending.
Recovery Rocks!!!!!!
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Aug 17, 2012 16:49:22 GMT -8
Carolyn I am so happy you are smiling, what an awesome feeling and its real and it true. Yes its only temperary we have lived it once before and now we get to process it with are real and true feelings and put it in perspective where it finally belongs. It was never our stuff anyway, it was the ones who brought us up or the ones that raised us. It was all their stuff. And now we are in recovery we can see that crystal clear, its amazing isnt it. Yesterday I spoke with my dad on the phone and I called him, can you imagine a month ago I had no intention on ever speaking to him again. I just couldnt imagine the last words I would remember was me telling him to go f....himself. Mind you I have never ever once told him to his face were to go or what to do, but the God's honest truth is I have never disrepested my father and never thought i could do that, but I had have enough and that was the bottom line for me to forever have him out of my life. After coming out of an Al anon meeting my hp guided me to call him and see him and I have taken it all in and told him exactly what I wanted and needed from this visit and conversation and if he couldnt respect my boundaries I would leave his home. And it worked exactly that way. Funny thing that I just realized was, I called my dad the other day and after talking to him for a few moments my friend ask me if he was mad at me, and I said, mad at me Ha, thats all his stuff not mind and i moved on from that conversation to another one. That is when i realized that for the first time in 53 years I have accepted and moved on from other peoples stuff that they tried to put on me. I am not responsible for anyone else, I am responsible for myself. What a freeing feeling. Yes recovery does rock. NO one will ever hurt me ever ever ever, my hp has my back and i am safe in his hands. Sun |
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 24, 2012 5:02:31 GMT -8
I need to update more discoveries while working on my inner child.
I have not read my book in about a month, i take breaks to let this stuff sink in.
But what I discovered yesterday while I was reading is i was the surrogate mother as a child, there was covert incest, (no sex, or sexual stuff), just my dads companion, the cooking, cleaning, and just being there for him, because my mother was not.
I was very over protective of my father, and I can remember from a very young age, until his death when i was 17 yrs old, no one was going to mistreat or hurt him, because he was a very ill man, healthwise, and now that I look back on this, I see where I have mothered some of these men I have been with.
And maybe this is what my poa was attracted to as well, he saw his mother, and no matter what he did, i would always let him come back, just like his mother, he could go and sleep around, and always come back to me.
When you can put the whole dysfunctional family tree together, and you look at it from this prespective, it all makes so much sense now.
I always loved my dad, and i did not want him to hurt, and i would try to stop the hurt and not let others hurt him, and my dad loved me unconditionally and would do anything in the world for me, and I just thought the men I loved would do the same thing, and they did not, they were damaged as well...
So what I have learned from my reading yesterday is I do not have to take care of anyone but me, and it is not my job to be my love interest mother, my love interest needs to be someone who is healthy, and can stand own his own 2 feet, and who really wants to be with me, for me.
I also always knew this but this is where my caretaking, over-achiever, people pleasing, rebel, perfectionism all started from.
I was the surrogate mother, and I wanted everyone in the house to be happy and peaceful, and it was my job to make this happen.
What a blessing to know now i only have to be my own mother, im not responsible for anyone else, but me & little Carolyn :-)
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 24, 2012 10:16:57 GMT -8
I'm glad you are waking up to the truth about your caring nature LML. It's for you first and foremost.
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Post by Loving My Life on Sept 27, 2012 7:50:36 GMT -8
I have just had a a-ha moment, as Im sitting here and Im finishing up my Inner Child work...I have a new insight now.
I believe 30% of this was due to my parents, & 70% of this pain was from my poa.
My poa just killed my spirit, and crushed my inner child, I just could not be my positive happy go lucky self, and I really loved this man, and I tried everything to just make him see, he could have a wonderful life in recovery as well.
Now I see all of this, because when I was 6 months sober I felt so happy, and I had dreams, and I was on my way, and then he came into the picture at this time, I thought I had it under control, but I did not...I was abused emotionally abused by this person, and it crushed my spirit, and my inner child could not laugh, and play and be silly any longer, she just hid, because it just hurt so bad.
Now after reading this book off and on for 3 months, and continuing my local 12 steps groups, and the people on this forum, it is ok to just be me, once again.
If people think Im not taking my recovery seriously because I can laugh and tell dirty jokes once in awhile, so what, that is there issue not mine, my inner child has my permission to have fun once again, this is who I am.
I am a happy, caring, positive person.
But that is what happen too me, and im going to continue to heal from this one day at a time, i will never give any man or any person this much power over my life again.
Me and little Carolyn are once again....happy, joyous, and free....
I have no regrets, it is good to be me.. :-)
PS: I need too also add this, I know now that this man never loved me, and when I think of him now, all I have is pity and empathy...he is just a sad, damaged person.
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) It is very powerful. But hey, I'm not suggesting you do that, it's not for beginners, and to do that process you should have someone there who has done the work, and ideally is a trained facilitator. I just wanted to share another perspective with you. 
