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Post by tumahini on Jul 26, 2012 5:13:25 GMT -8
I've been holding on to my narcisisstic PoA (without realising it of course) for the past 15 years and I can finally and truly say that I am willing to let him go. We have never really been together but I kept thinking that he will want me and want to be with me, especially because we have a son together. During our "being together", he has made two other children (these are only the ones I know of), slept with a whole bunch of women and neglected and abused me (which I allowed). Each time I would tell myself up to this point and no further, but I could just never reach rock bottom. My pain threshold seems to be limitless.
Lately, though, I feel as if I'm finally moving on with my life. I've been working hard on my recovery and got myself a sponsor. I've set goals for myself and slowly but surely I'm achieving them. I'm learning how to give myself what I need and I'm not so terrified of being alone anymore. For the first time I can actually visualise myself without him and I can see myself enjoying life on my own. I now believe that my life will be better without him. I couldn't and didn't want to see that before.
I am filled with hope and I am filled with gratitude!!!
Thank you for allowing me to share!
T
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Post by sunflwrs4evr on Jul 26, 2012 7:01:46 GMT -8
tumahini...I am so happy for you...you are experiencing the miracles of this program...continue doing this....One day at a time...thanks for sharing with us....Sun  |
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Post by healthyme on Jul 26, 2012 7:50:33 GMT -8
tumahini,
I am happy for you too! I wasn't conciously afraid of being alone while in marriage, I was afraid of being without my ex. That had a lot to do with being over dependent on him. I actually always felt very lonely within the marriage & wrote about it endlessly in journals before finding recovery.
With the PoA after my ex, again, was only conciously afraid being without him & there wasn't anything in that relationship to depend on. I felt very lonely most of the time but had the strongest fear of being without HIM.
Today without either I feel better than ever, thanks to recovery.
I'm so glad you got a sponsor.
The best to you as you find your way through the steps & recovery.
HealthyMe
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Post by newbeginning41 on Jul 26, 2012 11:06:12 GMT -8
I commend you !!! I celebrate you!!!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Jul 26, 2012 12:18:12 GMT -8
Wow, fantastic. Change is the most incredible thing, isn't it? To feel a sense of self-respect and self-love after years of feeling unworthy is so amazing. Congrats for reaching for your own self. You sound like you are on the path well and truly, and even though you may have setbacks, you will keep moving forward. There are no mistakes, only temporary setbacks, then you move even further forward. But we do get tested. Be ready, and enjoy the sunshine in the meantime!
xx
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 30, 2012 16:50:47 GMT -8
I'm so happy for you! That is one of the hardest things to do --view a happy future without the POA in it.
I used to think I couldn't write without the POA in my life. Then I realized, hey, I wrote for years before I ever met him and I wrote while being rejected by him. I no longer connect him to my writing, but it took years to achieve this.
Good luck to you!
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Post by lovely1 on Aug 30, 2012 16:57:40 GMT -8
There are no mistakes, only temporary setbacks, then you move even further forward. But we do get tested. Be ready, and enjoy the sunshine in the meantime! xx This is oh so true. Enjoy the sunshine, but be ready for the tests. I'll be fine for months and months and then seemingly out of the blue, I'll think about the POA. Years ago I used to think this was a sign to get back in touch with him. I believed my constant thoughts of him meant we were connected on a spiritual level. But God would never send a sign for me to connect with someone who did not treat me like the treasure that I am. I know now my thoughts are a manisfestation of my addiction and deal with them accordingly. |
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