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Post by LovelyJune on May 20, 2011 5:11:35 GMT -8
So, last night, I broke down while doing the dishes and cried my arse off. I told D "I have no control over my life anymore, nor over my children's lives. All my old routines are gone, the way I sought out my peace and equilibrium is gone. I do laundry all f'ing day now. The burden of this household has tripled on me. I feel angry and frustrated and out of control and I am not adapting well to this change." It's not that he isn't helping either. He helps out enormously with chores, money, time...he's not the issue. I am.
I feel as though I gave up my beautiful, peaceful life in exchange for what I thought would be a better life. But now I seem to live a harder more burdensome life.
Screaming kids (I used to be able to control my two kids and keep them relatively quiet; now with four kids, the noise level of the house and WILDNESS is sometimes unbearable)
Dirty house (I used to keep my house immaculate and I am still trying to do so but it takes triple the effort)
Broken rules (my kids always had a set bed time, there were set rules (no gameboys after 8pm, etc) and now it all seems to have gone out the window)
I have to make dinner almost every night (I HATE to cook and used to take my kids out to eat all the time)
Used to come and go as I pleased (now I am stuck home all the time, cleaning, cooking, and doing domestic stuff).
Was able to be ALONE and have much needed "me" time (that's totally gone now with 6 of us living under one roof. If I go in my room, there's someone there, if I go to the other end of the house, there's something there too...).
And on and on...
I recognize that what I am complaining about may seem superficial but the CORE of who I am is a loner I guess and that is being tossed out the window. Did I not recognize this when i agreed to combine my family with D's? I thought it through for two years. I tried to be as realistic as possible. I had very little doubts. But since the actual move, I have been under enormous stress and it is making me have stomach problems again and feel like burying my head in the sand.
I thought I was capable of living this new life, but now I am starting to second guess myself. Was I not true to myself? Did I agree to something that was not healthy for my nature? Or is this just a matter of adaptation. Am I not giving myself enough time to adjust to my new life.
Is this a sign that i am still trying to avoid the struggle of my life?
Better yet, is it a question of letting go of some control that I previously had?
Giving up control is incredibly SCARY to me. The control I had over the situations in my life was the only thing keeping me safe and anchored. I once again, feel out of control!
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Post by tizzy on May 20, 2011 6:36:57 GMT -8
I don't think anything you said sounds superficial at all. You're going through a really big life change right now. You and D are combining your kids, your households, and your lives. I don't know a soul who could go through all of that and NOT deal with any stress.
You two just moved in together, right? I'd suggest giving yourself some time to adapt to everything. It takes time to establish new rules and new routines, and new expectations as well. How old are his kids? With 4 kids in the house, a lot of those chores you are currently doing could be divvied up. Let the older kids like your teenaged son cook dinner sometimes, or at least help with it. D could help too. And on the nites nobody feels like cooking, have leftovers or a fun family takeout nite where you all eat pizza or Taco Bell or Chinese food and watch a good movie together. You shouldn't have to cook every nite. Make plenty enough for leftovers on the days you do cook and that should last you a few days. I grew up in a household of 6 and this was essential since both of my parents worked.
Make each of the kids responsible for their own cleaning. They can clean their rooms and their bathrooms, and they can also clean the family room (den and playroom). Let them take turns doing the dishes and help each other so it gets done quicker and they learn teamwork. As for the laundry, start teaching the kids how to do it. They can load into the washer, and put stuff in the dryer. Get those kids to help out any way they can! It'll make things much easier on you.
Maybe you can even look online for a Chore Chart you can print out or make to show who does which chores each day. I am a firm believer in teaching kids how to take care of themselves. That way they grow into responsible adults who don't expect others to take care of them. I've even got my little 4-yr-old into the team concept and he's eager to help me with everything! He asked me the other day when he can cook lol :-)
Have you sat and talked with D about all of this and how you feel a loss of control? He sounds very reasonable and I'm sure he'd help you two come up with a system that works for your family. Don't give up! Change can be ugly and very uncomfortable but it sounds like blending your families is something you both wanted so I'm hopeful you can make it all work well eventually.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 20, 2011 6:52:05 GMT -8
Thanks Tizzy. I'm definitely not giving up. But the ideas you're suggesting are pretty much all in place.
D helps enormously (sometimes he does more than me)
The kids are all responsible for their rooms and clean them up every morning.
And as for dinner, I guess I'm exaggerating, but D asks to cook or bring something home all the time. I just feel "obligated" to cook and clean.
The brunt of what is bothering me is the TOGETHERNESS and FAMILY-NESS of my new living situation. Every where I turn, there's a kid. I don't want to watch movies with everyone. Or teach them more responsibility. Or make another darn chore chart. I feel as though I put in my time doing that when my kids were little. I had a great system going. ANd now it's out the window. My kids are 10 and 13. His are 7 and 5. It's tough living through this again when I wasn't all that great at it the first time around.
Not only that, but I am a loner. Although I love my family, I need globs of alone time and if I don't get it, i start to withdrawal and avoid.
But you're right. I have to give this time. I have to figure out a way to make it work, because although I don't like the domesticity of it all, that is something that can be changed. It's not like I am struggling with a person or children that are inherently bad. The players are good. It's the situation that's just out of control.
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Post by overcomer on May 20, 2011 7:04:35 GMT -8
I can relate so well. I cherish my personal time. I'm highly independent. No wonder I've been a run-away bride. ;-)
As I read your story the more it solidifies my thinking about the complexity of marital life.
But you are a gifted woman, you can adapt eventually just a day at a time. Perhaps focus on the benefits or the advantages of having a new family?
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Post by tizzy on May 20, 2011 8:10:25 GMT -8
What makes you feel obligated to cook? Can D cook the stuff he brings home and wants? Even though you're living together don't forget you still have your boundaries that define who you are. I understand compromise but only do it to the point you feel comfortable and ready. If you don't want to cook every nite then don't. Either everyone eats takeout on those days or someone else can cook, or yall can have leftovers.
I understand about needing the alone time. That is crucial to me too, and I can only imagine the topsy-turviness of having to deal with 2 new little people on a live-in basis in addition to the kids you have, lol. Have you talked with D about the bedtime thing? Once all the kids are tucked away you and D can focus on yourselves, whether that be couple time or your time to yourself. Maybe discuss with D how important getting them squared away by a certain time every nite is to your emotional well-being. How was bedtime handled at their house before they moved in?
Do you have any space in the house you can call your own? If not, can you create one, like make a space into an office, or finish off a basement or attic to use? Maybe you can build a little shed or outbuilding in your backyard to escape to.
Does your household have a nightly routine every day, where the kids know what they're supposed to do and by what time? Having the same routine with my son every nite works wonders. He knows exactly what's expected of him and that I won't budge on anything. When I was growing up we had a routine as well and I think this probably helped my parents keep their sanity with the 4 of us kids.
THe good thing is that the 7 and 5 yr old are so young they can still be "trained". Bring the 10 and 13 yr old on board to help with that. Tell them they set the example. It may take a while but I'd think that within a month or so you all could have the house running smooth enough to help take away some of your anxiety about it all.
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Post by brooklynberry on May 20, 2011 9:29:10 GMT -8
I just hear my sponsor saying to me BALANCE
I can't read all of this now at work but this is about readjusting and pairing up requires compromise.
it's hard but you're gonna be a ok!
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Post by akitagirl on May 20, 2011 12:00:48 GMT -8
I'm hearing delegate. It all sounds so overwhelming. And get those kids out of the house during the evenings in team sports or dance, whatever. And delegate.
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Post by person on May 20, 2011 12:54:10 GMT -8
I dare say: remember why you got together with D and you love for each other.
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Post by overcomer on May 20, 2011 13:00:20 GMT -8
Wow! Great words Person! How are you? I hope you are doing well.
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Post by Bo on May 20, 2011 13:55:53 GMT -8
Wow, your honesty is amazing. I felt the same way when my boyfriend was staying with me, and my loner personality could not adjust. I believe in general it's good to be surrounded with the love that you have.
Your situation looks like one of those golden scales where everything was balanced on both sides and pretty calm, then someone came and dropped all this great stuff on one side and woah, everything is totally off balanced. It's not a bad thing, it just means that either some of that new good stuff needs to be moved over to the other side or some other good stuff needs to be added to one side.
In any case, you are capable. Don't doubt that for a second, also, what a great opportunity to learn about you. So many lessons.
A book I know for sure will help you get your family routines and your life back in order is: Sink Reflections by Flylady.
I hope you can get it and find a quiet corner somewhere, or escape to a cafe to read it. Everything will be alright.
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Post by Bo on May 20, 2011 13:56:52 GMT -8
p.s. I still use my Fly Lady control journal here in Paris.
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Post by runrunrun on May 20, 2011 14:39:54 GMT -8
Hi June, I read your post this AM and have thought about it on and off all day. I was busy today and wanted to think of my reply before I posted here.
I think I would start out by writing out the questions you just wrote and trying to answer them in writing to myself. Writing it out my help you sort it out. My sponsor uses this technique with me and it works. So did my therapist. Seeing it in black and white makes it a lot clearer.
Also remember to be gentle with yourself. What you did is a huge change in life. Not just for you but for anyone. These things take time to get used to.
Another thing to remember is this is not your life for the rest of your life. Kids grow up and trickle out of the house. They grow up way too quickly. Mine are 24, 20 and 15 and it seems like I missed their childhood. At times I want to go back in time and take them to the park and push them on swings. So dont despair. This is temporary.
I too tried to keep the house immaculate. Then I gave that up. I keep the common areas as clean as possible. I ask them to keep their rooms clean. What that means to them is semi clean. But I can live with semi if I close the door and not think about it. I make them each do a chore a day to help out. Then any money they want (which is usually none) they have to earn with hard chores. And I mean hard like mowing the huge lawn with a reel lawn mower. Or once I had the middle one help me strip and stain all the hard wood floors in the house.
I think lowering your expectations and standards helps a lot too. I had to do the same. I was driving me and them crazy trying to keep the house in Better Homes and Gardens standards. Crazy. We live in it. We dont have it photographed for magazines.
Vent here all you want.
Runrunrun
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Post by runrunrun on May 20, 2011 14:46:43 GMT -8
ps, after mine got in middle school I never did their laundry. That was their job and it lightened my load big time. And my now ex husband did his own laundry. Now they do that, a chore a day and they help cook. The two older ones turned out to be better cooks than I am. And the youngest is a better baker. I am proud of them.
The oldest moved out at 17 and into college. Then bought a condo at 19. The middle is still home and has a job and a car and does my shopping and takes her sister here and there.
So yes it gets easier as it goes. Yours will be driving before you know it and that helps big time too. Just not to have to drive them to every soccer practice and to school and back helps a lot. And my youngest is home schooled so we dont even have to get up and ready for school. We lazily get up and watch the Today show and start our routine a few hours later.
Runrunrun
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Post by person on May 20, 2011 20:13:39 GMT -8
Wow! Great words Person! How are you? I hope you are doing well. Healthy, Thank you for remembering me. I am not doing well at all. Please pray for me. |
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Post by overcomer on May 21, 2011 0:40:20 GMT -8
Of course I remember you well..
We are both in a foreign land far away from home but we are in recovery ..
Sorry to know that you are not well at all. I hope things ease up on you. I'll pray for you.
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Post by overcomer on May 21, 2011 0:43:08 GMT -8
PS: Thanks Runrunrun for sharing your great insight! I got inspired and learned something too!
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Post by Bo on May 21, 2011 0:51:49 GMT -8
HealthyO, The book is Called: Sink Reflections, it's by Flylady, you can google Flylady and her site will pop up, but the book is what I started with.
She helped me establish daily routiens in my life to keep my home and life in order. It's basic stuff to run a home (managing cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands, etc) that we're not taught by our mothers or in school.
She starts with something small and easy, which is keeping the kitchen sink clean and shiny. The Control Journal holds the Morning Routine, Afternoon and Evening Routines and a few Daily Reminders, and an easy Home Blessing Routine, etc. (mine is in a binder I put together with a minature "vision board" collage sliped in the binder cover)
Flylady has a bathroom morning routine called "swish and swipe" which I've used for over 6 years. While in the bathroom, before leaving I spray the sink, and mirror, throw some cleaner in the toliet, and spray the shower. I Swish and swipe in about 40 seconds every morning, my bathroom is spotless. That's just one of the many routines Flylady has that's easy, fast and fun.
Her site also has really simple dinner plans to make for the family. Her whole system works in helping organize and run a smooth household by taking baby steps, not getting overwhelmed, and keeping order. She even suggests quite time, family fun nights, date nights etc. and you can subscribe to daily emails she sends to remind you what task should be done for the hour...etc.
I think it will help LovelyJ (or anyone for that matter) establish routines, order and balance so that she will not feel so overwhelmed by her new life.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 21, 2011 2:43:50 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for your advice, help and support! RRR, you sound just like my mother! And that's a good thing. She is almost always the only voice of reason in my somewhat chaotic life. She actually said the same thing. So thank you for reaffirming her wisdom! Bo, I'll definitely try to find that book! Sounds fun. HB, "Compromise"? This is very possibly what I have avoided learning in recovery. WHo needs to compromise when you live on your own, make your own money and don't need anyone to help you out?  The more I think about it, I have been recovering in a bubble, and while it's been great in helping me to regain a sense of self, it has been quite useless when it comes to adapting to the real world which is filled with people. Compromise needs to be learned and I skipped that class. Back to the drawing board, I guess! |
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Post by melodyrose on May 21, 2011 6:11:10 GMT -8
Good insight LJ. I liked what you said about recovery in a bubble. How true that is. It's easy to feel good when all you have is yourself, your own world of thoughts and only relating to others at a distance. This has been me the majority of my life. You have a great man that sounds so supportive. Everything else will work itself out with time. Enjoy all that love that is in your home.
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Post by brooklynberry on May 21, 2011 6:43:00 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for your advice, help and support! RRR, you sound just like my mother! And that's a good thing. She is almost always the only voice of reason in my somewhat chaotic life. She actually said the same thing. So thank you for reaffirming her wisdom! Bo, I'll definitely try to find that book! Sounds fun. HB, "Compromise"? This is very possibly what I have avoided learning in recovery. WHo needs to compromise when you live on your own, make your own money and don't need anyone to help you out? The more I think about it, I have been recovering in a bubble, and while it's been great in helping me to regain a sense of self, it has been quite useless when it comes to adapting to the real world which is filled with people. Compromise needs to be learned and I skipped that class. Back to the drawing board, I guess! meetings, lady! meetings. I don't mean this as a criticism of you at all but as a general statement that's valuable to us all- face to face meetings are so important bc it's our first level of learning to negotiate relationships in recovery. We have to deal with personalities, etc. Not sure of your background but this control stuff is true for anyone in addiction for anything. I'll find a quote from the aa big book about this. This is the whole layers of the onion thing. It's something you need to address in you but you had to get this far in recovery to see this. So, kudos. For ME my sponsor was great training. I had to get honest with her, tell her things I was nervous about (oops, sorry I made out with your friend), etc. I had to negotiate with her, get out of my comfort zone. I enjoyed my "me time" but learned how to have it within the context of a bigger picture. I also have her when I am feelng bad. Yesterday I felt like I couldn't stand another second w G. He's been doing work at my office, we live together, etc. I even had some feelings of missing being single, bc I could, like you said, come and go as I pleased and I could CONTROL everything. But I was able to call my sponsor(s) and talk to them and I also went to a meeting. For me, I love this board, it's amazing. BUt it is something that keeps me mindful during the day. I commend all of you who do it solely via here. I need constant contact w my friends in program. We hang out, we do things (fellowship), etc. It's that which keeps it in my life. A lot of the SLAA/LA, etc literature focuses a lot on getting out of the crisis but come healthy relating, we're on our own. I know for me, I get into anorexia when I get far enough into a relationship. Sounds like you're hinting at that (being alone is one of your highlights). That CONTROL you speak of is part of our addiction, our managing, our unwillingness to let go, thinking our way is the only way because we HATE being uncomfortable. It is why we were addicted. What you're going through is a BIG BIG adjustment and it sounds like you have to learn to negotiate what is and is not doable for you. This means tapping in to this discomfort. It's a new form of withdrawal, in a way. This is part of intimacy, actually. It's really hard and a bit of an uncharted territory for us in terms of this fellowship. I am right there with you. this is why we can't just let go after our initial addiction is done. Recovery is a way of life. This is why "dry" alcoholics are so insane!(by coming here you're not insane btw) this is great. It's a constant process. You're honest and on the ball. Layers of the onion baby. LJ I have a PM for you |
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Post by brooklynberry on May 21, 2011 12:57:04 GMT -8
just read this and immediately thought of this thread:
Getting Needs Met
I want to change careers . . . I need a friend . . .I'm ready to be in a relationship . . .
Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.
Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it's met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.
Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.
Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990
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The more I think about it, I have been recovering in a bubble, and while it's been great in helping me to regain a sense of self, it has been quite useless when it comes to adapting to the real world which is filled with people. Compromise needs to be learned and I skipped that class. Back to the drawing board, I guess!