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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 4, 2008 13:43:35 GMT -8
I am in the process of recovery as is (surprisingly) this new man I have been dating for a month. We are BOTH self-proclaimed love addicts and what's so funny is that we experience the same emotional highs and lows at virtually the same time. Same insecurities, same passion, etc. Because we have both come from bad relationships with SWs (his was a somatic narcissist) we have read virtually the same books on recovery for ourselves.
Aside from our relationship becoming loving and emotional very quickly (please understand too, that we have been friends for 15 years and had huge crushes on each other years ago, but never acted on it), it SEEMS perfect. i adore him. he is good to me.. so good in fact that it shocks and awes me. he is crazy about me. adores me. we are friends. we have many of the same interests etc.
i guess what i am trying to say here is i cannot recognize if i have finally found the right thing or if this is all a part of some weird "disease" and i am being irrational and unrealistic.
My take on love addiction is that it only becomes problematic when you stay despite the other partner treating you badly. OR, you become so involved in the relationship that it starts to effect all other aspects of your life negatively. Thing is, if i made a check list it would look like this:
-biggest improvement in my life is still strong (quit smoking) and he has recently too
-just became a spin (indoor cycling) instructor and still go to the gym without fail.
-still work, though i think of him through out my day
NOTHING has changed and i feel good with this man.
I guess since i have been in bad relationships for so long...i have NO CLUE what a good one looks like!
thanks for listening.
T.
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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 12, 2008 14:24:36 GMT -8
Has anyone ever dated another love addict before? I'm curious as to how this might work!!!
thanks!
T
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 20, 2008 18:21:25 GMT -8
You work your program separately and together. Yes! it can work. |
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Post by samlouis on Mar 30, 2008 11:59:30 GMT -8
I am sure I was/still in a similar relationship. We shared exactly the same emotions, and same highs and lows. It was like looking into a reflection of myself ! I truly believed and still do that he was my perfect match. Unfortunately, he is attached, (shame on us both), but its strange because we both unexpectedly planned to end the relationship at the same time, and was very amicable. Of course I was upset and am recovering. He has another partner, and I am really confused about their relationship; i.e. whether he is a love addict in this as well. Of course my major recovery factor is just acknowledging that he is totally unavailable in more ways than one. But I do believe we were both love addicts. Even though he has gone, I still wish it could have been different. Do you think he will be in touch  ?   I really dont think I am EVER EVER going to meet anyone like this again. As you said, the match was just perfect !! |
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 1, 2008 13:34:55 GMT -8
Update:
Samloius, just so you know the relationship I am in now, we are both committed to eachother. He is not attached to anyone, nor am I-- except each other. We were both coming out of bad break ups (he was a little more ahead of the game than i was).
Being with another love addict is quite unique and amazingly loving. We both question all the time if our love for each other is "normal." I have finally been able to answer that.
Our love is normal if
a.) it is MUTUAL. Love like this cannot be one-sided.
b.) no one is getting hurt in the process of this love (there are no others involved and neither of us feel pain, only pleasure and joy).
c.) our lives are NOT falling a part because of the level of intensity of our love. ( we are able to maintain our careers, our hobbies, interests, friends, etc. Nothing is suffering. There are still boundaries).
If you can answer YES to ALL the above questions, then your love situation is NORMAL and good.
*sigh of relief....*
One day at a time....
T.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 25, 2011 5:02:16 GMT -8
This is a very interesting thread. I wrote this back in 2008! And from time to time, I like to check my progress against what I thought a few years ago. I would have to say that my little Q&A test actually worked. The relationship fell apart because his life was falling apart while dating me. He spent too much money, he tried to quit pot for me but couldn't, and he was overall, not able to maintain his career, interests etc.). When that started happening, he felt he was HURTING himself and not being true to himself, and so the mutual love ended. He stopped loving me and started resenting me (probably?!).
So...I am bringing this thread back up and out of obscurity for all of you in recovery who may be newly dating. This is a great test you can ask yourself periodically not only about YOu but about the person you're dating. If one of these in not in place, things may fall apart.
However, I do want to change the language around a bit:
Our relationship is healthy if:
a.) It is MUTUAL. A loving relationship cannot be one-sided.
b.) No one is getting hurt in the process of this relationship (there are no others involved and neither of us feels pain or consistent discomfort).
c.) Our lives are NOT falling a part because of the level of intensity of our relationship. (we are able to maintain our careers, our hobbies, interests, friends, etc. Nothing is suffering. There are still boundaries).
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Post by veronica on Aug 25, 2011 20:56:33 GMT -8
Congratulations on your recovery progress LJ. It must be wonderful to see how different things are today.
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 26, 2011 7:29:14 GMT -8
The beauty of journaling or documenting your journey! I have the benefit of limited journaling from back in 2003, and the difference between now and then is astonishing.
Thanks for bringing this back up LJ, because it gives me a lot of encouragement.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 26, 2011 9:08:42 GMT -8
And I thought that was a successful relationship! Silly me. That relationship ended October 2008 and that is when I had my major breakthrough. It's also when I really stopped thinking in terms of needing or even wanting a relationship. I thought I would die alone and I had to be happy with that.
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Post by nvr2late on Aug 27, 2011 7:18:50 GMT -8
I think it's interesting when people say "it's when I gave up _____________ that I had my breakthrough, or got what I had wanted for so long" or whatever.
I remember hearing something similar in the context of years of infertility and trying to conceive. You know the old story: "When we finally gave up on the fertility treatments (or decided to adopt) I got pregnant."
That's one of those interesting cosmic phenomenon that I don't understand but have to respect because you hear this a lot :-) I imagine it's got something to do with Let Go and Let God.
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 29, 2011 7:24:29 GMT -8
nvr2late,
It is indeed an interesting phenomenon. And there are actual studies coming out left and right on how humans do, indeed, send out "vibes." My mother always used to say, "Men can sense when a woman is desperate." ANd it's true. It's in our body language and our spirit when we're in a bad place. That being said, get involved in something else besides looking for love. Life is a paradox. It'd be worth it just to experiment.
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Post by Bo on Aug 29, 2011 15:07:54 GMT -8
Recovery works. When I read those first posts, my heart sank, thinking it was your current relationship. My first thought was, "OMG, that's never going to work!" Whew.
Why is it so easy to see other people's red flags?
I believe in that "cosmic phenomenon" energy thing too. Whatever it is, it exists and people pick up on it sometimes consciously, and sometimes unconsciously.
Thanks for sharing more of reality and recovery!
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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 30, 2011 2:34:26 GMT -8
Yes, Bo...the above was written in 2008 and was a FAILED relationship. As of today, I am still with D. It's been 2.7 years and growing stronger.  |
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Post by ariel19 on Jul 11, 2013 12:39:17 GMT -8
This has been very interesting to read! I met a man through a dating website and we have talked on the phone every day since we "met" and he is driving 4 hrs to see me this weekend. He seems to be a love addict like me, he hasn't said he is but is very expressive with being affectionate and telling me how he feels about our conversations and my photos, etc.
I am trying to be cautious but it's so difficult because, like the poster said, I truly feel like I am looking into a mirror image of myself with him with things we had been through and our philosophy on love.
Just wanted to share that.
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