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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 14, 2008 10:59:39 GMT -8
Since my return home, I have been feeling rather rundown, tired, burnt out etc. and I believe it's causing my brain to want to create drama where there may not be any.
I'm having a very difficult time with my OWN self-created happiness-- as in, I'm not creating any. And quite frankly, i don't think i have "realistic expectations" about how much of my happiness should be coming from my relationship. I think I am once again turning to my man to be the "be all and end all" of my happiness. I am slowly starting to make him my whole life. Slipping. Letting go of my boundaries. Obsessing. For example: he's ALWAYS busy. he doesn't write me love letters anymore. He doesn't tell me I'm beautiful anymore. He doesn't touch me in a loving way anymore, unless we are in bed. He tells little lies here and there because he doesn't want me to think bad thoughts of him. And as you might remember, he didn't write all that much when I was away for 3 weeks (according to me, that is!).
On the flip side,, he always calls and texts me every day (now that i'm home). Still wants to see me as much as before. Still says he loves me. And when asked if he feels the same about me, he says, "yes, you are still the best darn thing that ever happened to me...." When i need him, he helps me. and the sex is still good and loving- although i am usually the one who initiates.
I am DEATHLY scared of messing up this relationship as I believe it to be as healthy as it'll ever get. And i truly want to stay. And yet, normally, it is my pattern to RUN AWAY and GET OUT of the relationship if i think my expectations are too high or if i start obsessing or losing myself.
Bottom line: I do not know how to lower my expectations, or ask for what I want to the point of being satisfied and being myself-- all without running away-- or at least attempting to.
I told him I'd like to have "a talk" tonight and it kinda got him a little scared. But i did not bring any drama to it. I said, "this is a talk about sharing feelings that's all. I am not going any where. I love you and I don't want you to worry. But i am a little confused over some of my feelings..." So...we will see what happens. Truth is, I want to tell him i'm having thoughts of going BACK to my old PoA. I feel as though if I do not have a 100% satisfying relationship with him, then i want to just blow everything up and go back to being the slacker that I used to be. i want to just give up. If i don't have the best, then what's the point? I know that sounds very manipulative, but it's not. I honestly feel this way.
I've been doing so well and now...the maintenance of the relationship is getting to me. Help!
T
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Post by winter on Jul 14, 2008 13:22:12 GMT -8
I think you need to be 100% honest with your BF and the talk is a good idea. I know if I am for the most part honest, but not completely honest even if to spare someones feelings, I end up feeling guilty and trick myself into believing that they aren't being honest with me, all because I am not with them and then my mind wonders, I don't feel validated, I don't feel like they want me as much etc. I know you are Deathly afraid of losing him, but keeping things from him will contribute to the possibilities. Write down al the positive things you have done for yourself, and all the things your BF has done to make you happy, and make you want to stay with him and focus on that. Don't start focusing on the negative. I think you should also try to do somethings with out him that focus on you. Go to a meeting, go out with friends, shopping, pedicure, something that makes you feel good with out him. I wish you luck
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 14, 2008 15:24:22 GMT -8
Your own analysis of the situation is good T. Love addition is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." It also lies in wait to pounce. Find some exciting things to do without him. Spend more time with your friends. Have fun with him. Don't talk about "the relationship" every time you see him. I just burned a guy out with my love addiction and it is not hard to do. Hang in there. We all love you.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 15, 2008 5:06:32 GMT -8
Just an FYI:
We had a great talk last night about his fears and mine and the state of the relationship. We talked about marriage, babies (gulp!) moving in together etc. I still felt a little blah in the morning though, which now leads me to believe that my issues are with myself-- not so much him. He agreed that he noticed himself "closing off" but he says it's not because he doesn't love me. He said it comes from his own inability to understand relationships as he never had much experience. Retarded growth he called it.
All that aside, i know what i need: a life of my own. SOmething to lose myself to. A healthy diversion. This has ALWAYS been my problem-- a lack of hobbies and interests.
And just for the record, I rarely talk about the relationship with him. Most of the time, we have a gazillion other things to chat about and we do just that. In fact, he says out of all the women he's dated, I allow him to be himself and give him his space. But after last night, I can see that, although he was very open and honest with me, and close, he does have a fear of intimacy and needs a little more space that I originally thought.
I hope all this exposure of my new relationship helps others to see that every day we are challenged by this addiction and that it's a CONSTANT fight to stay on top of things. thanks for your posts.
T
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 15, 2008 10:56:01 GMT -8
In the book A Fine Romance, Judith Sills talks about a stage in the relationship called "The Switch." It is when one person pulls back. When this happens the other partner should do nothing. If it is temporary all is well. If it goes on too long it is more meaningful. The key for the love addict is to do nothing while this is happening. Are you reading Judith Sills. I recommend her.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 15, 2008 11:12:47 GMT -8
oooh....i like the sound of this book. Going out and getting it today!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU!
T
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Post by winnie on Jul 16, 2008 0:09:32 GMT -8
sounds like you getting there telmita. and it sounds like from what susan has said that this is an expected phase of the relationship.
When i get like this I do the friends thing. Reach for the phone book make dates, book a class , get busy , paint a picture. it helps. your in another part of the process, its hard but its a good thing. hard things mean growth. I think i might go and get that book too..... winnie
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Post by shannonmos on Jul 29, 2008 7:48:48 GMT -8
Hi Telmita have you ever heard of friendships being affected by love addiction? I think I may be addicted to my friend. I'm married but not very happily and we've been friends for 23 years. We got very close about 12 years ago. Her marriage wasn't good at all-in fact she is a love addict, she's been divorced for 2 years but went straight into another dreadful relationship. This was very hard for me to accept as leaving her marriage had been a long and hard road for her and I'd gone above and beyond to help her. She began to avoid me at the beginning of this year because of my stand against her new relationship. I have been in shock and real mourning for our friendship. We used to see each other every day and share all our problems and opinions. We were almost 'attached at the hip!' I have suffered from depression for many years and this situation has tipped me even deeper. Help! If you have any relevant info for my situation, please let me know. Thanks
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 29, 2008 12:57:41 GMT -8
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 29, 2008 13:06:13 GMT -8
In Susan Peabody's book (Addiction to Love) she describes "Relationship Addicts." Look that up. See what you find on the web. I too have had friend relationships with other women whom I became very attached to and it very well might have been a form of relationship addiction. The good news is, we tend to depend on these people for a limited number of things (like an emotional attachment) but not everything (like we tend to do with a love interest). Breaking your addiction to your friend should be handled the same way you would a love addiction-- or any addiction for that matter. Start with Susan's book.
Otherwise, I can give you the simplistic version: if she is a love addict (LA) then she has simply moved on to her person of addiction (PoA). DOn't take this personally. It's not about you. Yes. You do feel a great loss. But she needs to go her own way for awhile to seek out her own love life. You need to let her go. And you know the old saying: if she comes back, she's yours? So true. Until then, make this life all about you. It's time to address YOUR ISSUES. WHO ARE YOU? If you are a true LA, you probably have no clue. Always involved in others' lives? Does that sound familiar? It's time for change shannonmos. It's time to make this life about YOU now.
hope this helps!
T
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Post by candee on Jul 29, 2008 23:09:59 GMT -8
SHANNONMOS: I am going through the exact same thing.Ive been there for my friend through hell and high water and she just moved on with other friends and a new boyfriend,even though she is married. We are both relationship addicts and at one stage I was her POA.She just moved on and I was still stuck on the friendship.That made me feel worthless. In Robin Norwoods book on Love addiction.She says that Co Dependents/Love Addicts think:: "IF I suffer for you,will you love me?" Thats wha tI did I suffered for her.Got little love in return.WE are still friends,but on a different level.Im not as attached as I used to be. And she is too busy trying to be a LA with her relationships to even notice that Im slipping away.But thats ok. I come first. Lets chat more about this as at least I feel that I have someone that I can relate to. You can post under my thread I started about being addicted to only the opposite sex.
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Post by shannonmos on Aug 9, 2008 5:38:17 GMT -8
Hi Susan, Telmita and Candee I'm sorry to only be replying now. I didn't receive an email notification that there were any replies to my post...? Thank you all for the info, I'll definitely follow up on it.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 9, 2008 14:58:36 GMT -8
This board does not have e-mail notification. Sorry!
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Post by candee on Aug 10, 2008 22:31:11 GMT -8
Hi Saffron
I believe that this is relationship addiction.And its ever so PAINFUL,just as LA.She does the same to me.Spends all the time in the world with me,then she meets a POA and im left with my mouth hanging open.Seh can go to hell for all I care as Im sick of the games.COnsiously Im not goign to be playing any game with her anymore....
I cannot imagine what you have been though being friends with the person for so many years.I couldnt even handle the 2 years that I have been friend with POA.
Let chat some more about this hey.Keep well.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 21, 2010 5:46:55 GMT -8
Wow! Looking back on this old relationship and my concerns when I was in the middle of it are quite telling: I was sensing him pulling away and didn't want to start obsessing about it. When something isn't ours, we suddenly want it so much more. The fact was, he was falling out of love with me and I was trying to hang on. But still, I think I did the right thing: instead of going after him even more for closeness, I turned inward to create a life of my own. I started to depend on myself in the end and strengthen myself so that when he did end the relationship (which I kinda saw coming), I was devastated and hurt, but I was NOT lost and desperately trying to get him back. I was realistic and let him go.
What's even more surprising reading this is that I say, "he's the healthiest thing I've ever had." That's kind of laughable, looking back. I think he wanted me to think he was healthy, but he was NOT. He was immature, could not handle intimacy, was a pot smoker and didn't know himself well enough to know what TYPE girl he wanted. He picked the wrong girl, which I can understand. But by 40, I think you should know who you find attractive and who you don't.
The other thing that's funny about this post is that I thought he was the healthiest guy I'd ever find. I WAS SO WRONG. There is such a thing as TRULY HEALTHY INDIVIDUALS and I am happy to forging my life with one of them now.
My advice: listen to your instincts. They're probably right.
T
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Post by Angel on Feb 21, 2010 7:10:11 GMT -8
Dear T,
I certainly hope that healthy guys exist!
I liked this: "I was sensing him pulling away and didn't want to start obsessing about it. When something isn't ours, we suddenly want it so much more." I have started to realise that that sort of feeling is a sudden reaction of mine but IT ISN'T LASTING!
I agree with you final statement : "My advice: listen to your instincts. They're probably right."
I do however trust my instincts. I think that you are correct there. I now KNOW that my POA is very unhappy and confused and I don't want him or anyone like him (flakey guy and flakey gal) to come into my life and disturb my serenity.
Hope one day to find a TRULY HEALTHY INDIVIDUAL TOO.
Angel
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vee25
Full Member
Posts: 247
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Post by vee25 on Feb 26, 2010 6:36:47 GMT -8
I'm coming to terms with the fact that we can only really attract a person as healthy as we are because that spurs me on in my recovery to keep working on myself so that one day i will be able to attract what i want and need.
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