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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 25, 2011 9:10:41 GMT -8
It's human nature to want to be loved and appreciated. But I think we often lose sight of the bigger picture-- i.e. Am I trying to win over this particular person because I like him and believe we shares similar values, or am I just trying to win over anybody because I am desperate for validation.
Sometimes you have to determined your motivation for doing something, and you have to be able to stop the behavior if you're actions are not taken for the right reasons.
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Post by Bo on Feb 26, 2011 20:31:29 GMT -8
Thanks Telmita, This thread is full of insight.
I too thought most of my insecure LA issues were caused by the abandonment and emotional abuse from my mom. I thought she really messed me up, but now I see I am the one who has the power to see her as a hurting sick woman, (for whatever reason…maybe she too was damaged as a little girl) and I can forgive her. My mom was not capable of loving, supporting, cherishing and protecting me the way I wanted.
My mom is too damaged and deeply hurt herself to give me any emotional support or approval I think I need. (she hides her pain too) It’s almost not fair of me to try to suck “love” out of her, when she’s depleted.
I too wanted to “win” attention, approval and affection from the PoAs, I craved it since I did not get it from my mother.
I would do ANYTHING to get the feeling of love, attention, connection or belonging that was missing.
I felt deeply abandoned, dumped, neglected and vacant. I never felt supported, cherished, or protected and this is what I was trying to win.
My “desperate and neediness” for love was attracting “desperate and needy” for control, avoidance,…(fill in the blank needs of my PoAs).
Now, I am confident that with the help of my HP, I can fulfill these needs in other ways, with healthy girlfriends (“girls night out – dinner/movie”), hobbies, sports, meditations, travel, clubs, therapy, my brother and sisters, writing, working, volunteering, gardening, painting, drawing, cooking, etc…
If a healthy man comes along while I’m at it…wonderful. Meanwhile, my recovery (Starting Steps 5, 6 and 7) and Spiritual development comes first now.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 27, 2011 3:14:56 GMT -8
Bo, wow! You're very inspiring! And have given me an idea for my next blog: blame! (and how we should not blame things on our childhood anymore).
Keep up the great work!
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Post by turquoise on Feb 27, 2011 9:29:34 GMT -8
Interesting thread. Like so many threads here, it's gotten me to thinking about something.
I am still hurting over my POA but I've progressed to the point that I know I don't want that relationship again because it was filled with turmoil and distrust and pain. I've even gotten somewhat better about reducing the fantasies that we could have a different kind of relationship someday. (Not gonna lie, they're still there). But this "winning" business - I guess I never gave too much thought about it and now that I have, I realize that I do this too. Point is, I still entertain the fantasy that he will want me back & I will be able to say to no to HIM for once. I would get two benefits - the satisfaction of being the one with the upper hand for the first time ever (controlling the situation, I know) and the relief that my skills in winning a man are still intact.
Not sure I can give up this fantasy just yet. It makes me feel good and motivates me. Is it an unhealthy thing? I don't fantasize about winning any other men, and I'm not actually doing anything to win back the POA other than making sure I look extra good on days when I might run into him at work, although it's nothing that would be noticeable to anyone, really.
If I can reject him, I win. Why do I want this? And there is zero indication that it's going to happen, anyway.
I'll say this again, though - I don't entertain any thoughts of winning a man again. The idea of it makes me shudder. If I am ever in another relationship, it will be because the man and I enjoy and trust each other.
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Post by LovelyJune on Feb 28, 2011 3:10:10 GMT -8
Point is, I still entertain the fantasy that he will want me back & I will be able to say to no to HIM for once. Who says you have to give this little fantasy up? One of my most important recovery moments was fantasizing about this very same thing. It was a way in which I could prove to myself that I had become strong(er), able to defeat my own addiction. Trouble is, sometimes that fantasy comes true, and sometimes it doesn't. In my case, it came true! After S had found out I was dating someone else, he probably, subconsciously became jealous and told me he was interested in me again. Bah! By that point I was too willing to give this new guy a chance. There was hope with this new guy and I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize it. And I didn't. When S asked me to go out for drinks, I told him flat out I wasn't interested. But I didn't feel good about it. I didn't feel good about it because there is still a codependency in me that lingers and does not take pleasure in hurting anyone. In fact, I felt horribly bad that I had rejected him. The fantasy came true, and I thought it would lift me up, but it just made me feel yucky. Looking back (that was over 2 YEARS ago!) it would not have mattered if I rejected him or not. Once I became this new person, strengthened by recovery and having moved on, the PoA didn't matter anymore, and that's what might help you too. The PoA does not matter. YOU DO.
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Post by overcomer on Mar 19, 2011 3:35:04 GMT -8
WOW Telmita! Thanks for your wonderful sharing! : )
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Post by faubourg on May 17, 2011 11:55:34 GMT -8
I LOVE THIS!! YOU PUT LIGHT IN MY DARK SKY, thank you lovely june
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Post by LovelyJune on May 17, 2011 14:14:48 GMT -8
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Post by tizzy on May 18, 2011 4:33:30 GMT -8
["Am I trying to win over this particular person because I like him and believe we shares similar values, or am I just trying to win over anybody because I am desperate for validation."]
When I was in the worst throws of my love addiction I think it was a little of both for me. It would start out under the guise of wanting to be with the guy because we got along well and had seemingly similar interests. But as time progressed and the codependency kicked in it would clearly become a means of validation for myself. Ended horribly every time.
I am now at a point where I don't seek validation from others, period. I make my own decisions. I may ask for advice and feedback now and then, but I don't seek the validation that I used to for everything I did. I am a lot more confident in my own ability to think for myself and make the best decisions for myself.
I think I used to rely on others' opinions and validations a lot because those people would serve as the parental point of view for me that I never got. As a child and even as an adult, I could never go to my parents and say "hey, what do you think about this? what do you think I should do?" My mom would be clueless and seem like she didn't care one way or another, and my dad would be very critical, to the point of not offering advice but moreso giving directives (which I couldn't stand). Trying to get helpful advice from the two of them is like going to the desert for water, it just ain't gonna happen. So I began relying on the friends and men in my life for guidance and validation of my decisions in life and who I was becoming as a person. It would feel good until that person left my life or turned their focus elsewhere. Then, I'd feel betrayed and lost because my source of guidance was gone.
I've now learned to be my own guiding light. It was never anyone else's responsibility to guide me or validate me and my decisions. It's something that as a grown person I need to be doing for myself. Understanding this has made me feel better about myself and confident about the decisions I make for myself and my life.
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Post by hurt2heal on May 18, 2011 16:31:56 GMT -8
I think that this happens ALL THE TIME. Depending on the situation, or for some of us the day, it can be either reason. I know that when my ex and I split a lot of the reason I was trying to "win him back" was because of the rejection I felt from him. I wanted him to validate me as a person. Why should HE have that much POWER!? Simply put, because I was giving him THAT much power. I think deep down if you really think back to the relationships and what it is you actually are wanting most of us will realize that we are not in it for the right reasons. If we were to ever "win" them back would we be happy? I believe that if I went through that with my ex I would be feel like LovelyJune, upset that I "hurt" someone. Letting go is a hard thing to do for me, and I know that when I feel that someone has let me go I go to great lengths to win them back. If someone chooses to leave, let them leave, because in the end I believe/hope to have someone who's heathy AND chooses to stay.
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