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Post by Susan Peabody on Sept 8, 2008 13:03:53 GMT -8
This is a recovery board so we suggest you get out of a triangle before posting. Triangles invite dishonesty which is not good for our self-esteem. This particular recovery board only supports monogamy and transparency.
Of course, you are free to read as much as you want and tell us your story in the newcomers sections.
For ongoing affairs there are a lot of sites to help you.
The Other Woman www.gloryb.com/
"The Other Man / Woman. www.loveshack.org/forums/f57/
Sober Recovery www.soberrecovery.com/forums/
12-Step Cyber Cafe www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/
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jenniferg
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Posts: 113
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Post by jenniferg on May 31, 2009 14:11:02 GMT -8
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years and last Xmas he started drinking. Since then he has made some very bad decisions. Two months ago he shocked me when he came over drunk and told me had been sleeping with another woman and he was moving in with her. She lives four blocks from my house. It drives me insane.
I didn't communicate for three weeks after being told about his new life, But at my birthday I let him back into my life and since then I have suffered great shame and humiliation. He sleeps with both of us, though he says he loves me and makes love to me, but has sex with her and sleeps in "his" room after wards. We are a triangle I cannot believe I am in this situation. There are times I have feelings of satisfaction because I think "I have him and she knows it, I hope she suffers". I am angry at both of them for deceiving me. My anger seems to drive my compulsive thinking.
I want to let him go and I want to stop thinking about him obsessively. I have planned a two month trip this summer where I can be out of touch with him. But I don't trust myself and I can already see myself giving into him when I return for a few days, and getting high off the passionate sex. I seem to forget the pain I suffer over and over again as it quickly returns after he leaves and I am left alone while he goes home to his new woman. I've been doing it for about 6 weeks and I can hardly stand myself.
I am in AA (26 years) and Alanon (many years, but this year I went every week) and I don't know how to stop the obsessive thinking. All I do is think about him, about her, about him and me and it starts as soon as I become coherent in the morning and doesn't seem to stop unless I am at a meeting. When I am alone, it starts up again. How do I stop the thinking? I pray, I say "STOP" I cry, I call people. What works? I give into him because it stops the pain and the thinking, for awhile, anyway.
I am getting a new phone number so that he can' text me, but so far he hasn't released me from his plan. I told him that I won't pay my portion until he releases me. Hopefully this will work since he hasn't much money. I figure I can get a new number and not give it to him. His texting hooks me right in. I feel huge relief as soon as he contacts me.
I have made a special folder in email, but my heart pounds if I get an email from him. I have not yet blocked him from my email.
I don't want to hurt anymore, but it seems I am not ready to let go all the way either. I am not sure I can survive the pain. The pain is so bad, I can hardly function.
I have ordered about 6 books about Love Addiction. I am sure this is my problem.
Please help me to let him go. A love triangle is a terrible thing. I can't do it anymore but I can't stop myself either. I feel powerless and my life is definitely unmanageable.
JenniferG
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 31, 2009 14:57:17 GMT -8
Let go. Let go. Let go. It is not an option. It is like going to the dentist. You just have to do it. We will help you with withdrawal. |
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jenniferg
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Posts: 113
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Post by jenniferg on May 31, 2009 15:24:55 GMT -8
I will begin now. I wrote him and asked him not to contact me in any way. I will set up the filter to block his emails. I will get a new phone number.
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jenniferg
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Posts: 113
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Post by jenniferg on May 31, 2009 15:27:36 GMT -8
I set up the filter to return the emails he sends to me back to his email.
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Post by Susan Peabody on May 31, 2009 15:52:31 GMT -8
Wonderful . . . tell us your story in the Introductions forum. |
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Post by beehappy on Jul 13, 2009 19:06:45 GMT -8
No longer in a triangle but still struggling. It is a change. I was with my husband for 20 years. The step I took in leaving him was the right one. It hurt like heck. I needed to be an honest person. I need to regain my integrity. Through this board I realized that and I took the most difficult step ever. I discovered my POA wasn't all that. He became a non issue for me. I missed my husband so much. All of the years we spent together. Much of it was disfunctional but he is a good, kind, loving man. He just couldn't hear me. He couldn't put aside his own addiction. He has now since joined SLAA and is working on himself. I love him greatly and miss him and the fun we had. I do not miss the lies, the disfunction etc. I will love him always. My love has transformed into something else though. It is a love from my inner light of his inner light. I have to let him go...in love and peace...knowing that there are things I cannot change.
But...I am living on my own for the first time in my life. I always had room mates or family living with me. Once I got married I stopped relying on myself. I stopped listening to myself. I have had some successes and some set backs. I took a flying lesson and rode a long with the fire department within the past couple of months.
I don't have a fear of being alone. I would like to have a partner in life but it is not necessary for life. That is a big change. A change that is less addictive. Yay for me!
Most recently I was diagnosed with MS. I mean recently as in the last 2 weeks. It was scary at first. Guess what. It became less scary because it gave me the best excuse to make my life all about me. I look at the world differently. I don't do stuff I don't like to do just for to make someone else happy. I politely decline and keep relationships in tact because I am honoring myself. But I also volunteer for organizations and help others. I am looking forward to becoming a NICU rocker at a hospital near me.
I have been closing a number of chapters. I look forward to closing this final chapter of my life and the open windows that will come.
Best to you all. Thanks for reading.
Beehappy
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polly
New Member
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Post by polly on Sept 10, 2009 19:41:03 GMT -8
I was told the "roommate" was more attached than he was. He told me he wanted out, wanted to get away, help him.
For 1.5 years we lived that way. During that time he was trying to get me pregnant and we were looking at houses. We bought a house and he arrived after closing with 6 boxes. I asked him where his things were and he said he would go back to get it.
He went back to the mobile home every single day. I was devastated. He would not take me to the cabin anymore. I confronted him one weekend (at her place) for the key to the house. He did not give it to me.
He moved back there 7 months later. Swearing he slept on the couch and he just couldn't take my kids. This was inaccurate as my kids were only there every other week which would mean he would come home from work right away on their weeks gone.
As I word this I realize how manipulated I have been. I tried to be SO considerate and forgiving. He just needed time, I would tell myself. Change is hard for men.
I cannot continue this right now. The whole truth is too painful to look at all at once.
I am in therapy. I realize and admit that I am incapable of looking at it all at once without breaking down.
I have been suckered by words. Romantic words, sexual words, lying words. I have been played and TOW has been played much longer than I have.
I am looking at this truthfully in small pieces, whatever I can stand each time.
I divorced a man after 25 years for what? For a man who was all words, the proverbial traveling salesman.
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Post by Lover2009 on Sept 29, 2009 2:41:05 GMT -8
Hi Susan,
Ive been around here for a little over a month now and this whole time trying as well to get out of a toxic relationship. To today, im out of the relationship but the "getting" that it is best to get out of it once you have been in for months isnt easy. However, this board n the meetings which im lucky enough to be able to go to thou 3 times a month have been great help. Also, literature helps...educating myself...I used to think that there were no answers for me or that one day God would show me send me the answers to the emptiness, to the tears and suffering that went on for years...I thought "Im never gonna be happy, Im never gonna find the right partner, therefore im never gonna mother a baby and i even thought "maybe i shouldnt be a mother"...Ive been really hard on myself but i had to be because i was running my life wth the wrong purpose...Im codependent/Love addict who's mission has always been to be accepted, to earned love by giving unconditional love not matter what. Ive had 2 toxic relationships one next to the other. First with my husband, someone who became dependent on opium and other prescritions drugs(he didnt used to be that way, but there were some red flags that i ignored because i loved). Then after separated, I ended up with a married man who sheltered me throughout these days of pain and 100% codependency...I landed in this triangle without the intention to land there and i went with it...I didnt care about the situation, I only cared that this man cared for me, was crazy about me and as far as I was concerned loved me or still does. Well, after couple months of on and off texting each other, emailing, and seeing each other 2 times, we are officially not together and practicing NC. My intention is to not even think about him anymore and move on...do the things that will help me "even if I dont want to" It's like i am my own parent and im re-raising myself.
If i learned anything is to love myself and not ignore the red flags in people that i get involved with. These red flags help me to be selective and for sure make me question my feelings, my desires to be or for a candidate.
Im today, alone with myself, trying to recup and understand that being by myself is the best bet, the best way....as codependent i always cared for someone else beyong myself and if i didnt have anyone, i was willing to jump right in to rescue someone when the whole time i had to rescue me. As a love addict, once i was in, there was nothing anyone could do to me that would make me give up on them at least not until i was wore off from loving so much when i should have been applying that love and energy to myself.
Thank you for this board!!! there is so much more i like to say but to much writing already...Have a great day!!!
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Post by goldberry on Feb 1, 2013 16:24:18 GMT -8
I've always had a problem getting into close relationships. Part of my pattern has been to fall for men who have some other woman in the background. They're either in love with someone else, secretly married, secretly sleeping with someone, etc... while they are acting interested in me and pursuing me.
I ignore red flags, warning signs that they are interested in someone else. I actually block them out so I don't notice them until after the fact.
During my last disaster, A man (I suspect he was a narcissist) acted like he was heavily infatuated with me. I thought we were becoming an "item." I didn't realize he was sleeping with someone. Then I heard through a mutual friend that he had gotten this girl pregnant, and was planning a secret wedding! When I confronted him, he told me that the pregnancy had been an awful mistake. He had only been dating her casually. He told everyone else that they were "soul mates." Rumors got back to him about something I was supposed to have said. He got mad. The next thing I know, he and his new wife spread horrible rumors about me. It turned into a smear campaign, where I lost all my friends.
Much drama. Why did I get into this mess? Because I ignored red flags. I just did not see them. I blocked them out. Looking back, I can see that there were signs that he was sleeping with this person. I would have saved myself so much anguish if I had paid attention.
I think back to my parents, and to me it seemed that my dad (narcissist) constantly ignored me. I did not matter to him at all. But he paid attention to my mom. My mom was "real" but I wasn't. I had the feeling that I did not matter to them. I was outside their "circle of love." And I wanted in.
It's become obvious to me that I have been wanting to "win" the struggle. To finally win my dad over. To finally get his attention away from my mom. Why else would I keep getting into these situations where I'm competing with some other woman?
I seem to be a magnet for married men, or for men who are pining away for some other woman. I discovered that this man I was interested in had a wife over in Russia, who couldn't come over because of Visa problems. So he pursued me, until she was allowed to come over.
Right now there's a man acting like he has a crush on me. He asked me out, but I heard that he is married and that his wife lives in another state and can't be with him right now.
So I said NO. Yay for me.
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tara
Junior Member
Posts: 52
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Post by tara on Feb 2, 2013 11:26:06 GMT -8
I was in a relationship tretrahedron. He said that he loved ME. He said that I was his queen. He said that he was a sex addict. "I" thought he wanted to and could change and heal. NOT. Never happened. When I write my story this will be included. This man is still in my life as a friend...but his pot addiction amongst other things and my love addiction create toxicity. I am in recovery. He was pot free and into tri-daily meditation for several months. At that time I experienced his true heart of friendship. A tradgedy happened in his life which he was responsible for and the guilt lead him back to pot. NOW I see the toxicity leaking back into our connection and it hurts so much to see it happening. More later.
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Post by rosebud73 on Dec 27, 2017 5:03:20 GMT -8
I think back to my parents, and to me it seemed that my dad (narcissist) constantly ignored me. I did not matter to him at all. But he paid attention to my mom. My mom was "real" but I wasn't. I had the feeling that I did not matter to them. I was outside their "circle of love." And I wanted in. It's become obvious to me that I have been wanting to "win" the struggle. To finally win my dad over. To finally get his attention away from my mom. Why else would I keep getting into these situations where I'm competing with some other woman? I seem to be a magnet for married men, or for men who are pining away for some other woman. I discovered that this man I was interested in had a wife over in Russia, who couldn't come over because of Visa problems. So he pursued me, until she was allowed to come over. Right now there's a man acting like he has a crush on me. He asked me out, but I heard that he is married and that his wife lives in another state and can't be with him right now. So I said NO. Yay for me. This is EXACTLY my story...including my N dad who shunned/ignored me and only paid attention to my MOM. WOW what an insight. I have the same problem...helpful to see this.... |
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Post by loveanimals on Apr 14, 2018 2:20:42 GMT -8
I got myself in the middle of a triangle this past month.
I was seeing a guy long distance who had split up from his long term girlfriend and literally spent hours a day talking to me via messages.
He also had suffered from severe anxiety and supported me to overcome a bad eating disorder relapse.
Then he lost his job and home and I flew in for a vacation near him, so I gave him food and shelter.
We had the most romantic dinners on the beach. But I couldn't bring him back home with me, nor did I want to bring a homeless man home with a child.
So his ex-girlfriend gave him a ticket back to her, and thus he said he had to block me but would call me when he could do so secretly. The call never came. My world came crashing down. Then I was at the airport and she messaged me. Anyhow I blocked her and it's a mess, and he called me and was very mean about me messing things up and threatened to harm me physically if I don't stay far away from her and him.
So now I'm on Day 2 of No Contact. In the past when a man threatens me for stalking, I have stayed away. That's the easiest way to do No Contact as I know it could harm me. In recovery and working with a therapist I am able to learn how to overcome my distress of the abandonment feel at the end of a relationship.
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