When you know you're not ready...

T:

Here is the operative goal for you, for me, for many women:

"to be able to fill my brain with more important stuff other than MEN"

Keep that in mind as you focus on all of those ATTAINABLE goals you have listed.

"It is a sublime thing to suffer and be stronger." This saying gives me strength just knowing this!

Higherlove,

Glad to know my tale helps. Everyone's path is different, but i can tell you I never really felt ready this last time. I never got to the point of desperation, which normally happens (and which normally ends up in me taking anything that comes down the path). This time was different. I wasn't interested in dating, but an opportunity for the "right" man arose. I had always been attracted to bad boys, alcoholics, men who couldn't commit to women, etc. But when this man came into my life he was a professional, respectable in the community, well loved, had children that he loved dearly and took care of, went to church, very responsible etc., when this kind man came into my life I decided I would just TRY to date him, even if I wasn't crazy about him. Nothing serious though. I wasn't interested (remember?). And the ONLY reason I said yes was because he had a great rep, NO RED FLAGS and I took my time to make sure how I felt about him. There was no rush to love. Well...what ended up happening was....we fell in love (it's been 1.4 years we've been together). So, to answer your question, there was no exact moment when I was "ready," I simply took conscious steps toward friendship with this man and it happened to turn into something more. And the more I got to know him, the more trust I built up for him and the more I saw I was not going to be hurt by this man. When that amount of trust and confidence is able to be built between two people, You, as an individual, grow stronger and are able to focus on other things except love and constantly trying to hook up and "find" someone. It's a paradox.

To find love, you must stop looking for it outside yourself. When you look inside and find it there, others notice too!

Hope that wasn't too cryptic.

Hi Gordana,

Thank you! Your situation can be one of two things (neither of which I can tell from your post, but both of which you should try to learn more about):

1. You are sexually anorexic. This basically means that you've shut down completely to men and you've gone the opposite extreme. Sometimes, when we love with such unhealthy intensity for a period, we go in the complete opposite direction to heal when the intensity is over. This used to happen to me. It's like you've been running a marathon for a year, and then suddenly, the marathon is over and you get sick and hibernate for another year. It is my belief that we are merely trying to balance out the acts of our life, but we are doing it in an unhealthy way (going from one extreme to the other). Instead, we want subtle rocking; we want balance. We don't want the boat to tip over again. That being said, if you feel you are sexually anorexic, you might want to look into removing your fear of intimacy and removing all the hidden emotions and expectations you have of love. When we interpret love as something average (instead of something of EXTREME IMPORTANCE) we react to it with more balanced emotions. Think about it.

Or...

2. You truly ENJOY being alone. What? How can that be??? I guess with all the Hollywood glamorization of Love being mandatory, we forget that it's NOT. Yes, as human beings we need LOVE...But love can come from family, friends, pets, etc. That may sound boring and scary to a love addict who has placed such an enormously high value on Love, but the truth is, we do not NEED romance. You may truly be happy on your own. You may truly be happy without someone.

The trick is, YOU must find out the truth of your own life. ANd you must be happy with yourself for whatever your nature calls you to do. It's when we deny ourselves things out of fear that we suffer. Or we stay in bad relationships for fear of being independent that we do ourselves a huge injustice.

Recovery in love addiction means knowing who you are, making peace with the person you are, and being OK with or without a partner.

Sounds so easy....and yet...

Gordana-- We reject healthy partners when we are not healthy. It's as simple as that. Water seeks its own level. When you reject a healthy man it's probably because you feel awkward, strange, weird, like you don't belong in their presence. I did this for MANY years. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel good about myself. I didn't want some perfect healthy man coming along and having HIGH EXPECTATIONS of me. That was too much for me to handle. Besides, I didn't think I had anything to offer a healthy man. And the truth is, ten, five, three years ago, I didn't have much to offer someone healthy.

But the more you INVEST in yourself, the more you participate in healthy behavior and associate with healthy people, the stronger and healthier YOU become.

I cant help myself. I just emailed him: "Just wanted to say "Hi". I am a bit angry at myself b/ when he asked me to meet in person yesterday I said No, that we should get to know each other a bit more by chatting, first. Now, he may never respond again. I cant believe that after 15 months of recovery, I could feel like this. So, I am doing other things with my day, and feel better contacting him. We talked on line for about 2 hours, and he asked to meet me and I said No. Now I regret it. So, that's why I contacted him today, hoping he would ask me gain, so I can meet him. I liked his profile and what he looks like. And he is bringing up his boys, which to me says that he is a good responsible man.
Oh well. I am not going to waste my day thinking about him. I sent an email, and he now knows that I am interested. Leave it at that. If he wants to he will contact me next. I am not chasing, again, this time. Interesting, as I write this, the only person I have really chased was my poa. I did not chase my ex h. He chased me. But I gave in to him. I thought I had to be with him. The one I chased was my only addictive relationship. The most painful of all. I feel empty as I even write about him. I chased someone who was completely unavailable. A little girl chasing after her father. How sad is that.
gordana

Gordana-- Stay strong girl. Don't chase. When someone is interested in you they call you. They contact you. No matter what you say or do, even the quirky ways you act-- when someone likes you, nothing can change their mind. The flip side is that when someone is not serious or interested, they don;t call, they don't write back. Remember that. There are no hidden meanings. Everything is in their action.

And G, if he doesn't call back, he wasn't worth it anyway. Trust in YOU. Trust in who you are and what you have to offer the world. No one else has what you've got

Llivingwithout-- glad to help!

T

Glad to help Gordana!