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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 1, 2008 8:17:20 GMT -8
There's a loop that plays in my head over and over...
It happens when i'm in the shower, or alone at night, or having coffee in the morning. It goes like this:
I need to call him. Or email him and tell him I still care. I need for him to know I still care. I need to find out if he cares for me. If he loves me anymore. I'll return the painting he painted for me. I'll give it back not out of anger, but out of kindness. Here, this belongs to you.
and then i think...
Why am i the one who is calling him, emailing him? Why can't he email me? Because he's too scared, too weak. He thinks I'm angry at him. I'm not! I'll send him an email so that he knows I am not angry with him. I'll make sure he knows that he can call or email me anytime! S, I just want you to know that you can call me anytime. It's all water under the bridge. No anger. No sadness...no pain. .
and then I remember...
No matter if he loves me or not, he still does drugs. He doesn't want to give that up. He chose that over me. And i can't have that in my life. I don't want that in my life from a lover. No matter if he calls and emails me all day, he still lies. He's still cold and detached. He's still a narcissist. He is still many things that i do not want in my life.
And so I let it go. Until the next time. And the loop plays over and over and over...until I get it. really get it. Until I understand the importance of really owning my part in this and trusting that I am making the right decision by staying away and moving on...
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Post by Judy on Nov 1, 2008 8:51:58 GMT -8
Hi T - In AA they call that "thinking the drink through". Thank God you have enough recovery and detachment that you can do that.
It happens to me all the time - just crazy scenarios I think of about my last POA. And, like you, I say to myself "Uh huh - suppose he DID call you - then what? Is he in recovery from his addictions? Is he even aware of them? ...." But even that is a fantastical scenario because my last POA is engaged. So that stops EVERY scenario that pops up in my mind.
I think this is what's called "working the program".
Thanks for writing that. It's good to know others have these thoughts but think them through and move on.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 1, 2008 11:00:12 GMT -8
Thanks Judy... as always, I appreciate when you add your thoughts. REALITY is the best thing i've got to offer people here, so I make these little confessions. Glad to know you have these thoughts too!
T
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Post by Metamorphosis on Nov 1, 2008 13:46:02 GMT -8
Yes! this is exactly how my mind works. Distorted thinking Susan calls it.
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Chrissy
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Post by Chrissy on Nov 1, 2008 17:46:12 GMT -8
Oh I have done this..and the result was never a positive one..I understand and feel for you..all of us who have been there can relate.. You at least are able to see what you are doing-to me that is a great revelation as Judy said in her reference "thinking the drink through".
You are doing well..
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Post by bluebird on Nov 1, 2008 19:08:43 GMT -8
hi T, I have a loop I play. It changes with time. I wake up with it once in a while or I'll be walking along and realize it's happening - I"m having a conversation with someone who isn't there-like the lady on the bus. Then I fear I'm becoming her and realize there are many ways to go crazy. It happens most when I am tired, hungry, too lonely, or otherwise not taking care of myself the way I need to. It happens most if I allow it, like a dream I don't want to wake up from. T, I've read you tell dozens of LA's on the board that we do this because it's the only way we can still be with them. That could be, or, it's just a routine rut in the brain where the mind goes - like a trail horse. Then I have to think, "redirect, redirect, redirect' and I do find something else to focus on. And I pray and ask for help. and I do what you do and I post here.
And, lots of folks have told me they do this too. You were the one brave enough to put in online. as always..
hang in there b.
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 2, 2008 3:59:15 GMT -8
The mind is a funny thing! Luckily, the loop, like Bluebird said, only plays when I am in HALT mode. I am a firm believer of grabbing back your brain from where it wanders off!
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Post by Judy on Nov 2, 2008 4:58:22 GMT -8
Thanks bluebird. I love "redirect". I'm going to use that. I have been just telling myself "STOP" when the imaginary conversations start. Or any other analyzing, questioning, or none-of-my-concern thoughts and scenarios pop up.
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Chrissy
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Posts: 75
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Post by Chrissy on Nov 2, 2008 7:26:02 GMT -8
True Telmita...grabbing your brain back always helps me get back to reality..
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Post by iselita on Nov 4, 2008 11:23:29 GMT -8
Thanks telmita that was awsome. I think that way I always feel like if i don't make myself available then he can't reach me. Like all those times i should have called the cops or turned to my kids and made them safe. I always have the loop where i need him to know i stil care because maybe if he saw that he would care. Then i think people who really do care are those who just do but my poa is a drug addict and even if he were to be in recovery. I dont' see it I just see someone who comes around once his body doesn't allow him to use. Then he takes a break with us. Nope Good luck with that! I sometimes get into the whole being cheated on like it was something i lacked that made him run around. Then i put a halt to it saying i lack nothing. He is sick......
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Post by brooklynberry on Nov 5, 2008 11:48:21 GMT -8
I was just talking to my sponsor about this sort of conversation in my mind. I am glad I am not the only one! I feel so guilty that he doesn't have my new phone number, what if he can't reach me and his father passes away? That would be awful. What if he thinks I am rejecting him, etc?
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