Post by LovelyJune on Jan 30, 2009 4:11:30 GMT -8
I just read Cher's post on "breaking the cycle of dating too much" and it suddenly made me feel HORRIBLE that I actually have a date tonight.
I broke up with my bf about 4 months ago and already I have a date. Not really, but yes really. He's an old friend of my brothers' whom I know, but never got to know well until recently. He's been divorced since August-- not a lot of time behind his belt either--and tonight we're getting together for wine and dessert.
I recognize the cycle we all go through, trying to validate ourselves through men, trying to cover up boredom or whatever else. And yet, there's the simple, inborn fact that if you don't push too hard and it just comes to you, you go with the flow and date. The ultimate goal for normal, healthy people is to come together too.
I don't think dating is the issue. I think our perception of what that date means to us is the issue. I am in a take it or leave it frame of mind right now. I live alone. I've been alone for 4 months now. I've been fairly content. If something happens organically with this guy, I'm not going to stop it. On the flip side, I'm not going to push anything either. As Cher said, it's best to let things ebb and flow naturally.
But as far as "people who haven't dated much seem to marry quicker"? I disagree. Think how much the average MAN dates before settling down and marrying. Answer: a lot. It's a double standard. It's preference. It's a lot of stuff, but it's not love addiction.
Many love addicts do need that fix. They need to validate themselves via a man to the point of being sick without one. the "feeling sick without a man" part is love addiction. But dating a lot is not love addiction.
Sometimes we have a tendency to see addiction in EVERYTHING we do and that just isn't so. Remember: love addiction is extreme avoidance of the self. It's staying in a relationship PAST the point of dignity, safety, or health. And it is dating feverishly to fill a void, settling for ANY man, not being selective and dating dangerously (unprotected sex, dating people with a gazillion red flags and so on...). It is not maintaining proper boundaries with yourself or others. It's not respecting others' boundaries. And it's not going out into the world and experimenting with this person or that by dating them to see if you enjoy them or not.
I guess if you "date" many men over a period of time and do not slip into any of those LA scenarios above, I see that as healthy behavior. There does come a time, though, when you have to stop clinging to the safety and security of "recovery mode" and LIVE your life. Take risks. See if all that you've learned has paid off. I mean, the whole point of being in recovery is to someday APPLY all you've learned to new situations...isn't it?
Then again, I could once again be in denial. Who knows. But I believe we or, at least I need to recognize the difference between safe, normal, healthy behavior and not so safe, not so normal, not so healthy behavior. And the ONLY way to do that is to date again.........
I broke up with my bf about 4 months ago and already I have a date. Not really, but yes really. He's an old friend of my brothers' whom I know, but never got to know well until recently. He's been divorced since August-- not a lot of time behind his belt either--and tonight we're getting together for wine and dessert.
I recognize the cycle we all go through, trying to validate ourselves through men, trying to cover up boredom or whatever else. And yet, there's the simple, inborn fact that if you don't push too hard and it just comes to you, you go with the flow and date. The ultimate goal for normal, healthy people is to come together too.
I don't think dating is the issue. I think our perception of what that date means to us is the issue. I am in a take it or leave it frame of mind right now. I live alone. I've been alone for 4 months now. I've been fairly content. If something happens organically with this guy, I'm not going to stop it. On the flip side, I'm not going to push anything either. As Cher said, it's best to let things ebb and flow naturally.
But as far as "people who haven't dated much seem to marry quicker"? I disagree. Think how much the average MAN dates before settling down and marrying. Answer: a lot. It's a double standard. It's preference. It's a lot of stuff, but it's not love addiction.
Many love addicts do need that fix. They need to validate themselves via a man to the point of being sick without one. the "feeling sick without a man" part is love addiction. But dating a lot is not love addiction.
Sometimes we have a tendency to see addiction in EVERYTHING we do and that just isn't so. Remember: love addiction is extreme avoidance of the self. It's staying in a relationship PAST the point of dignity, safety, or health. And it is dating feverishly to fill a void, settling for ANY man, not being selective and dating dangerously (unprotected sex, dating people with a gazillion red flags and so on...). It is not maintaining proper boundaries with yourself or others. It's not respecting others' boundaries. And it's not going out into the world and experimenting with this person or that by dating them to see if you enjoy them or not.
I guess if you "date" many men over a period of time and do not slip into any of those LA scenarios above, I see that as healthy behavior. There does come a time, though, when you have to stop clinging to the safety and security of "recovery mode" and LIVE your life. Take risks. See if all that you've learned has paid off. I mean, the whole point of being in recovery is to someday APPLY all you've learned to new situations...isn't it?
Then again, I could once again be in denial. Who knows. But I believe we or, at least I need to recognize the difference between safe, normal, healthy behavior and not so safe, not so normal, not so healthy behavior. And the ONLY way to do that is to date again.........
