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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 11, 2008 11:29:52 GMT -8
I did not realize that even when you decide to change your life and never go back to the old way of doing things, that there is still pain. This part of my life (not running back to the familiar (G) and forging ahead in a seemingly normal relationship (S)) is the HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE. Trying to be normal and making healthy choices and learning about MYSELF is so MUCH HARDER than being in a painful, neglectful abusive relationship....HOWEVER. I know that there is a reward for that, as opposed to the latter.
Saying goodbye to someone you are addicted to is only the first step of the journey. But it's one you must take with determination & courage. And you mustn't look back.
Sometimes recovery is confusing and i'm glad to have your feedback, support and your stories. They help me to determine that my path is a healthy one.
Thanks!
T
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Post by rosemay on Apr 11, 2008 12:47:20 GMT -8
In my experience, the first years of real recovery are far more painful that the addiction, even with all the consequences I have suffered because of addiction.
For one thing, whatever wound you are medicating with your addiction is no longer numbed out and you get to feel everything you were anesthetizeing with the addiction (in our case "love" addiction). You also get to feel all the shame of the fall-out from the addiction and you got nothing to numb it out with.
For another thing, when you go into true recovery, meaning you don't substitute one addiction for another, you pretty much have to reinvent yourself.
I feel like I am having to start over at ground zero with everything from who my friends are, what social circles I'm involved in, sometimes even what I wear, what career path I am going to take. It's like a total makeover from the inside out. This is experienced as very painful becuase it involves a lot of letting go of who I thought I was, grieving her, and learning how to operate a whole different ship.
Recovery for me has also meant a complete reprogramming of my values, beliefs, thought processes and perspective. A confusing time, as I am in between in so many places and making difficult decisions about what's true for me. My religion has been a great help in this area because it offers lots of guidance in this realm.
I doubt that I could possibly negotiate a new relationship at this phase in my recovery, no matter how nice and mature he was.
Even as painful as it all is, I am excited and hopeful to see what I look like on the other side. I don't know how many years it takes to get there. I even find it difficult to pinpoint when I actually started my recovery.
Do I go from the end of the last obsession with an unavailable man? That was 8 months ago. do I go from the end of the last actual relationship? that was over two years ago. Do I go from when I first walked through the 12-step doors 7 years ago?
Regardless of when, I do know that it is exceedingly painful and confusing more often than not, occasionally I come up for air and see blue sky, but I do have a purpose an determination and commitment that assures me that I will eventually get the victory. Until then, I fight with every ounce of my being, fall a lot, and get up and keep trying. In my faith, we have a saying "Let us begin again" and that is a mantra for me that I keep plugging into my brain when I fall.
Gosh this was long, but it felt good to type it. Hope it helps somebody out there.
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 12, 2008 5:12:48 GMT -8
rosemay,
great response. in fact, it helps me to see that recovery is not for the weak but the strong!
I heard a great little 15 minute lecture yesterday on intimacy vs. intensity and it was a window into a truth I had not yet accepted. It seems that I am GREAT at handling intensity (drama) in my life, but i fear or do not know what intimacy is. I've always put myself with men that are unavailable emotionally or cannot be intimate. I choose these men as a way to protect myself from "engulfment" or feelings of being "trapped." This has led me to believe that I am not so fearful of abandonment as much as losing my freedom and being trapped.
This one is definitely hard to figure out. I think both fear of abandonment and fear of entrapment go hand in hand. Perhaps I try to protect myself from abandonment so I go the opposite extreme and become a freedom fighter.
Anyway...that's what's on my mind today!
Me
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Post by denialknight on Apr 14, 2008 8:54:31 GMT -8
T & R -
Great insights from both of you! As I read your posts and feel what I am still going through - still unable to break free from a non-available relationship - I feel both support - and despair at the same time. Why am I so afraid of intimacy that I choose someone who cannot value me - but runs away instead? Why does this recovery take years of pain to have a brain off LA drugs and a solid comitted relationship? I just don't understand and feel like giving up - but I know that giving up is not a real choice.
I picked someone that was not thru a divorce - and is still not thru it. This fact alone has caused tremendous pain in her not being available - and after 3 years I am still hanging on in pain with nothing changed. I have caused this pain by starting the relationship at the wrong time and I want to tell her that I must step out until she is done and then we can re-evaluate things - sounds simple right? I know that is what good character would do - yet each time I get ready for that conversation I end up in fear that the relationship will be gone forever and the words go unsaid. I feel so stuck and spend countless hours thinking and feeling bad. Sometimes I wish my higher power would be a little closer to help me do this hard work.
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