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Post by LovelyJune on Aug 7, 2008 5:46:58 GMT -8
Susan asked me to add this to the must read section. I agree that a very important part of the NC (No Contact) process is to PLAN before you leap. Think about good 'ol Chris Columbus. Do you think he just hopped on the Santa Maria to set sail for the new world with just his hat and compass? heck no. He would have never made it. He knew his voyage was to last many months so he PREPARED, had a crew and loads of food to back him up. Heading into NC is much the same. You need to plan. The better you are at taking care of yourself during this time, the more you have to fall back on, the less chance your attempt at NC will fail. Here are a few tips: 1. Have a hobby available to keep you busy, or two or three. A lot of addictive people claim that "working with your hands" is the best as it forces you to keep your mind on the task at hand. 2. Get ready to eat your favorite stuff. Addiction is Oral. Even love addiction. Stock up on "feel good" foods at least until you get through the initial withdrawal phase (if you are concerned about weight, make healthier choices, chew gum, sugarless lollipops etc.!) But right now is not the time to worry about putting on a *few* (and I mean few!) extra pounds. Your NC takes priority. You can lose the weight when you are feeling better. 3. Have friends and family ready to talk and listen. Make sure they know what you're attempting so that you have extra support. If family members aren't supportive, seek out friends or support groups; people who will understand what you might be going through. 4. Make plans, goals and activities that would NOT have included PoA (go to the movies by yourself, attend a concert, visit the bookstore, sit at a cafe and people-watch etc.) 5. If you can, go out and shop. Buy yourself something NICE. Remember to pamper yourself through withdrawal. The nicer you are to yourself and the more resources you have to get through withdrawal, the more SUCCESSFUL YOU WILL BE! 6. Go get a massage, a manicure, a pedicure...WHATEVER. My all time favorite: changing the color of my hair. Nothing too drastic. But enough to make me feel revived. 7. Get involved in a TV or HBO series, or a sitcom. Comedy is your best choice. It serves to distract AND lighten your mood. 8. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR NC INTO A BAD THING. You have a choice: you can think positively about what you are doing for yourself, or negative. THINK POSITIVE. It's a happy time. Not a sad time. You are NOT...I REPEAT NOT losing anything worthwhile. YOU ARE GAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAINING YOUR LIFE BACK. 9. Remember the Ten Minute Rule. It's a SAFETY NET for those moments of intense craving. For example, whenever you feel the intense URGE to call or make contact, say to yourself, "first let me post this message on the LAA board" or "let me take a brisk walk for Ten Minutes." Meditate, breathe, whatever you can do...do it for ten minutes. Cravings tend to pass within minutes and you will be OK again. 10. Post here often. This is a support group. Someone WILL respond to you. Perhaps you could make that your safety net when you have a crave. Post first and say, I will wait until someone responds to my post before entertaining the idea of contact. By then, the craving will most likely have passed. 11. Practice the art of positive Self Talk. You MUST reaffirm, daily, your reasons and motivations for wanting to keep NC. The more you "brainwash" yourself into believing and understanding that NC is the ONLY WAY to go, you will be convinced. Tell yourself things like, "hang in there," "I can do this," "Keeping NC and staying away is an ACT OF SELF LOVE," and "I am Worth it..." 12. Keep a journal. It's one of the healthiest ways to cleanse your soul. To get to know who you are. To see, on paper, what you are feeling. Besides, it busts a crave! In your journal, keep a LIST of things you can do to keep busy. Fall back on this list if you find yourself fantasizing about your PoA, or bored or feeling "empty." Make it a long list. You're going to need the choices! 13. SOme other distractions you can keep in your arsenal if craves/withdrawal gets bad: Take a shower (you can't use the phone from the there), take a nap, clean the house, drive, leave your cell phone at home, go swimming, take a bath, call a FRIEND, make an appointment somewhere (salon, doc office, dentist, etc.), do crossword puzzles, play solitaire, go to the gym, ride your bike, bake a cake, paint something, etc. Bottom line: STAY BUSY and KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Getting through withdrawal is hard, but it's a matter of determination and self conditioning. We've been through much worse pain than this. We can definitely handle a few months of withdrawal. IT DOES GET BETTER. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. But you must see NC as a priority; something worth your time and effort.  T |
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Post by Judy on Aug 7, 2008 9:44:02 GMT -8
Hi telmita - thanks for taking the time to write that out for everyone!
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mandy
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Post by mandy on Nov 16, 2008 20:54:17 GMT -8
Hi again . . .once again . . I needed to very much read this post. Oddly enough the person i was interested in lived in north carolina (NC) . . . . i need to not literally travel to NC . . . .but plan out my NC - (no contact) . . . wow . . . amazing.
thanks!
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Post by shattereddreams on Nov 20, 2008 4:48:45 GMT -8
Thanks for this post. I am just now trying to do the No Contact thing and stick to it. Had fight with my POA Friday night. At that time, we both vowed we would never talk or see each other again. By Tuesday, I was trying to contact him to apologize, trying to accept the blame for the fight even though the truth is he was very cruel and hurtful to me. He wouldn't respond to my apologies except to write back "stop". So, I am making an honest effort to stop. No more text messages, no more phone calls, no more dropping by to visit. It is really hard, because it has been such a strong compulsion for me to make contact, to keep things going, to try to fix things, to try to show him I can be better. Considering he lives in my neighborhood, this isn't easy, I drive by his house on my regular route to work. I probably need to go a different way even though it will be longer just to avoid scanning his driveway for his vehicle (or for visitors).
Thanks!
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Post by disturbia on Feb 3, 2009 17:08:12 GMT -8
What if POA will contact me? Should I just ignore, don't answer the phone?
It happened many times already: he disappeared... I finally called in a week or too, and then everything got somewhat back to 'normal' for couple months (meaning he started calling again, etc). .. I am just trying to prepare myself: POA is travelling, will be back only next week.. When I know he is away, I feel fine..
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Post by brokenchinadoll on Feb 6, 2009 5:46:49 GMT -8
Hey Disturbia,
If your POA contacts you, yes, you should just ignore it. DO NOT ANSWER!
I did the exact same thing you did for almost 2 years. If I didn't hear from him in a few days, I'd call him. And the whole circle of events would start all over again. It's funny how you say everything got somewhat back to "NORMAL." Do we even know what normal is anymore?
YOU are the ONLY one who can break the pattern and stop it. He is going to continue to call you as long as he keeps getting a response from you. But you NEED to understand, and yes it took me a while to learn this myself, IT'S ALL A GAME! They hang up and go on with their lives as we sit here and die inside and out from the contact. They DO NOT care about us. They probably hang up and walk away with a smile saying to themselves, "Suckered them in again." Don't let your POA continue to get that satisfaction. If he doesn't call, don't call him. Let him sit back and ponder for a while trying to figure out why you changed the pattern. He will eventually call you, I promise. And continue to pray for strength that you won't pick it up when he does.
Addicts love drama. If it doesn't find us, we will find it. My therapist told me to find something else to put that energy into.
I hope this helped some.
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Post by dawnbelieves on Feb 14, 2009 6:13:06 GMT -8
It can be so hard when they call even if we don't answer. Mine called the other day. I didn't answer but it has made me want to call him back just that much more to "find out what he needed." What?!?! I know that is crazy. He didn't need anything. He was just calling to worry me to death. I made it very clear that we were over so I don't think there is anything else to say. But, nonetheless, his call did make me want to call him back. But I didn't (patting myself on the back).
Be Blessed,
~Dawn~
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lulu
Full Member
Posts: 105
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Post by lulu on Feb 18, 2009 21:33:05 GMT -8
Thanks for taking the time to give us all such a good list to use and wise advice.
I found a website a few months ago that has a lot of good information on unavailable men and relationships - very good for all the good it has done me with this struggle with my POA but it may help others overcome the whys and what ifs etc
It is called Baggage Reclaim with a .com
Hang in there everyone.................haven't seen or heard from my POA since Sunday and need to plan my NC to keep it going.....
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Post by mab0910 on Mar 2, 2009 15:17:06 GMT -8
In my case, my POA made it clear that he only wanted to have me as a friend, yet I hung around him any chance I got, usually in groups, but whenever I was alone with him, I made sure he knew how much I cared (hoping he would "see the light" and realize I was his love, too.")
When I first got hooked on him, I was warned by a mutual friend that he was not a man who could give me what I wanted and to not get too close...ha, ha, if she only knew that I was not in control of that.
Now that he has returned home (I live in Mexico in an area that people visit during the winter), i have lots of pictures and videos of him...my question is, does NC mean that I should not look at them, delete them...?
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Post by lovely1 on Mar 3, 2009 17:46:27 GMT -8
mab0910:
I'm no expert on NC, but I won't go to my POAs page on the site we both belong to--and I won't go there ever again. Going to his page, even tho I'm not contacting him would only serve to feed my addiction. It would be like a fix. Seeing his picture and his activities would trigger all sorts of feelings related to him, which are not good for me. I might even begin to believe that I could handle talking to him, when I can't.
If you really want to give up your POA, I suggest giving him up completely.
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gordana
Full Member
Newcomers Greeter
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Post by gordana on Jul 14, 2009 18:46:47 GMT -8
I feel great. No contact for 3 months.
It builds emotional stregth, dignity, hoe for something better, if it is my HP will
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Post by staystrong on Jul 27, 2009 18:29:24 GMT -8
I had been doing well with NC until the loophole I left for myself was open...we met on a chatting site and of course I keep my account there. I went back and started reading her posts...which of course led to me feeling horrible...thinking about what she meant and if the messages were for me in some code. Then I read the one where she said she had a date...OUCH. So my new plan is NC even the site, because even if I'm on there and not looking at her profile or posts I will end up doing it. Or...worse...talking to other women there to make her jealous and "falling in love." What a mess.
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Post by Lover2009 on Sept 3, 2009 3:41:04 GMT -8
Hi everyone,
I am new here and I am so glad to be here, so glad this board exists and so glad the meetings exist too...Last week, sunday, my poa and I decided to take the heathiest desicion ever for everyone involved, we separated and next day he left town...However, today, he's coming back and thou i know he wont contact me and i wont contact him...im afraid...he will...the other part that makes it hard its that we work in the same plaza...so the possibility of seeing each other even if we dont mean to it's huge...That really sucks because we had been in this position before and the fact that we work a few doors down from each other, did not help us...but we r both attending meetings and looking after ourselves individually...im just hoping that he doesnt dissappoint me bc i wont dissapoint myself...NC is a goal for me so i really hope it is his goal too today and for the next days to come...i was the other woman...i cant do it anymore and i wont allow him to this anymore...NCNCNC...thats it!!!!
Thank you for letting me share!!!
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Post by Lover2009 on Sept 8, 2009 9:56:15 GMT -8
hey everyone,
So i have to say that my own fear was comfirmed by me alone...I think i was more afraid of him actually being Strong not to contact me and he was...I contacted him, I wrote him and I told him how much I love him...due to weakness he followed up wth me...We had a very dramatic situation happening yesterday wth a third person involved n it was pretty rough...but we ended the day together n started our day today together!!! I dont know how to do this but i'll try to be strong and keep myself strong!!!
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Post by LovelyJune on Sept 8, 2009 11:07:47 GMT -8
Lover2009-- I'm unclear. Are you involved in a triangle? Have you ended it. You need to end the triangle. There is no beauty, love or goodness in a triangle. I'm also unclear as to whether you are happy about maintaining the relationship with your PoA or not. Strength is one thing, keeping on the path of recovery and keeping true to yourself is another.
T
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Post by Angel on Sept 22, 2009 8:27:08 GMT -8
I am not sure what to do. I have listed all my POA's and PPOA's under a 'dysfunctional boys - do not initiate contact" group on my msn. Since I can't access facebook I can't cyber snoop. I had an experience where one of them was posting stuff to try and get a reaction from me but I can't get onto facebook any more so it isn't a problem.
Actually, I am nearly over that one but the latest one who brought me to the site is still listed and I wonder about deleting him and well, all of them.
Just not sure! Should I leave them there and use the level of indifference to trying to contact them as an indicator of my improving emotional health? Or should I just delete the lot of them?
Tonight I went and looked at the XPOA who was the one I was so devastated about that I found this site. I sat and stared at his name, it is late at night and I am wondering whether he is on msn searching or chatting to another woman. I felt a little bit of temptation but then decided "Heck now I am detoxing I am beginning to feel that I didn't LIKE him after what he said/did"
Is that progress? Is it healthy?
Any comments?
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Post by kenyatta on Nov 9, 2009 17:17:13 GMT -8
This list is great. I went thirty one days with NC to my POA and it ended one day I was left home alone with a phone and I called him and he told me how much I made his day and how he missed me so I felt the immediate urge to see him. I went to his place of work and talked to him about why we stopped talking and he convinced me again that he was sorry for how he treated me and that I was one of the best women he had ever met and sure enough by Friday we were back in the same position and I felt garbage for giving up on my NC. I just recently after having the most hurtful conversation decided to leave him alone for good this time, but with a lot of help and a lot of time. 5 days and getting there!
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Post by Bluejay on Nov 10, 2009 6:06:22 GMT -8
Hang in there Kenyatta. You've had to learn a lesson that many of us have done before. I really don't know of any case where someone broke NC and things turned out well. I know what you've been thru is very hard, but you've walked down this path before and it will be easier this time around. Good luck and we're here for you!
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Post by kelleyboy on Dec 22, 2009 7:31:48 GMT -8
working with my POA, i am having trouble envisioning absolute NC. I would really like to have that, absolute NC. That would require me finding a new job. I am moving out of eyeshot of her this thursday, which is a good start. Anyone have any tips for restricting contact at work? We have to work together on projects, and I have been in a lot of pain the last couple days. The jealousy is really rough. My jealousy. Yesterday, sitting by her, we weren't talking, because she found out i was moving and is a bit miffed. I was so uncomfortable, and angry. I don't want to be angry today. I don't want to be petty either. It's very difficult to deal with.
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Post by mybestme on Dec 22, 2009 11:32:12 GMT -8
Kelley, hang in there...it can't be easy to try and do this with someone you see all the time. I can't imagine. Can you find a new job? Or, get transferred?
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Post by mybestme on Dec 22, 2009 11:37:32 GMT -8
I'm feeling good abut NC in that I know it's the right thing for me and the only way to move on. But, I know the door is always open with him and I do miss him in my life. I'm used to him in my life -- not always how I like, but it's something I am used to.
The reasons for us not to talk or continue are endless and I'm doing pretty well. But, certain days are tough...this time last year we had spent some time together and it was great. So, I'm remembering some stuff. Just reading here is helpful and reminding me why I need to stay the path. It's just a bad habit at this point. My eye IS on the prize....sometimes get side tracked though forgetting the pain and frustration this relationship has brought.
Stay well everyone.
MBM
Going to say some prayers and keep busy.
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Post by geedee on Dec 22, 2009 11:46:46 GMT -8
we're all in the same boat MBM.
xmas time is especially difficult for me too. Last year we 'broke up' and 'got together' again over the Xmas holidays last year. mistletoe was also what brought me and my POA together in the first place 30 years ago...
let's just remember all the pain and suffering they caused us. and how this journey is about loving ourselves first and foremost and more than anybody else.
yeah let's keep our eyes on the prize and not get sidetracked!
greta
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Post by kelleyboy on Dec 22, 2009 12:04:38 GMT -8
the more i try to do this the more i think i will have to look around...this is horribly painful, right now.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 23, 2009 17:13:22 GMT -8
kelleyboy: what other interests do you have? I STRONGLY suggest getting mentally and emotionally involved in something safe like a novel (The Count of Monte Cristo is a perfect read; intense and will hold your attention if you let it. Besides, it's not too heavy on the romance). What about sports clubs or taking a class in something. You need to draw on the resource of your brain. Lead it somewhere SAFE. Right now, your brain is all mushy from thoughts of PoA; it's being dragged around by your emotions. Give your brain something challenging, something intellectually stimulating to think about. Remember: nature abhors a void! You must fill your brain with other distractions, or it will fill itself with destructive, pointless, growthless, unhealthy, self-sabotaging, useless thoughts of PoA (no offense!)  Good luck! |
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Post by carodelz on Nov 16, 2015 12:31:08 GMT -8
Awesome post and advice LovelyJune. Very helpful!
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Post by loveelleng on Oct 27, 2017 0:16:26 GMT -8
Susan asked me to add this to the must read section. I agree that a very important part of the NC (No Contact) process is to PLAN before you leap. Think about good 'ol Chris Columbus. Do you think he just hopped on the Santa Maria to set sail for the new world with just his hat and compass? heck no. He would have never made it. He knew his voyage was to last many months so he PREPARED, had a crew and loads of food to back him up. Heading into NC is much the same. You need to plan. The better you are at taking care of yourself during this time, the more you have to fall back on, the less chance your attempt at NC will fail. Here are a few tips: 1. Have a hobby available to keep you busy, or two or three. A lot of addictive people claim that "working with your hands" is the best as it forces you to keep your mind on the task at hand. 2. Get ready to eat your favorite stuff. Addiction is Oral. Even love addiction. Stock up on "feel good" foods at least until you get through the initial withdrawal phase (if you are concerned about weight, make healthier choices, chew gum, sugarless lollipops etc.!) But right now is not the time to worry about putting on a *few* (and I mean few!) extra pounds. Your NC takes priority. You can lose the weight when you are feeling better. 3. Have friends and family ready to talk and listen. Make sure they know what you're attempting so that you have extra support. If family members aren't supportive, seek out friends or support groups; people who will understand what you might be going through. 4. Make plans, goals and activities that would NOT have included PoA (go to the movies by yourself, attend a concert, visit the bookstore, sit at a cafe and people-watch etc.) 5. If you can, go out and shop. Buy yourself something NICE. Remember to pamper yourself through withdrawal. The nicer you are to yourself and the more resources you have to get through withdrawal, the more SUCCESSFUL YOU WILL BE! 6. Go get a massage, a manicure, a pedicure...WHATEVER. My all time favorite: changing the color of my hair. Nothing too drastic. But enough to make me feel revived. 7. Get involved in a TV or HBO series, or a sitcom. Comedy is your best choice. It serves to distract AND lighten your mood. 8. MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT TURN YOUR NC INTO A BAD THING. You have a choice: you can think positively about what you are doing for yourself, or negative. THINK POSITIVE. It's a happy time. Not a sad time. You are NOT...I REPEAT NOT losing anything worthwhile. YOU ARE GAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAINING YOUR LIFE BACK. 9. Remember the Ten Minute Rule. It's a SAFETY NET for those moments of intense craving. For example, whenever you feel the intense URGE to call or make contact, say to yourself, "first let me post this message on the LAA board" or "let me take a brisk walk for Ten Minutes." Meditate, breathe, whatever you can do...do it for ten minutes. Cravings tend to pass within minutes and you will be OK again. 10. Post here often. This is a support group. Someone WILL respond to you. Perhaps you could make that your safety net when you have a crave. Post first and say, I will wait until someone responds to my post before entertaining the idea of contact. By then, the craving will most likely have passed. 11. Practice the art of positive Self Talk. You MUST reaffirm, daily, your reasons and motivations for wanting to keep NC. The more you "brainwash" yourself into believing and understanding that NC is the ONLY WAY to go, you will be convinced. Tell yourself things like, "hang in there," "I can do this," "Keeping NC and staying away is an ACT OF SELF LOVE," and "I am Worth it..." 12. Keep a journal. It's one of the healthiest ways to cleanse your soul. To get to know who you are. To see, on paper, what you are feeling. Besides, it busts a crave! In your journal, keep a LIST of things you can do to keep busy. Fall back on this list if you find yourself fantasizing about your PoA, or bored or feeling "empty." Make it a long list. You're going to need the choices! 13. SOme other distractions you can keep in your arsenal if craves/withdrawal gets bad: Take a shower (you can't use the phone from the there), take a nap, clean the house, drive, leave your cell phone at home, go swimming, take a bath, call a FRIEND, make an appointment somewhere (salon, doc office, dentist, etc.), do crossword puzzles, play solitaire, go to the gym, ride your bike, bake a cake, paint something, etc. Bottom line: STAY BUSY and KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE. You are doing a good thing for yourself. Getting through withdrawal is hard, but it's a matter of determination and self conditioning. We've been through much worse pain than this. We can definitely handle a few months of withdrawal. IT DOES GET BETTER. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. But you must see NC as a priority; something worth your time and effort. T Wonderful |
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Post by loveelleng on Oct 27, 2017 0:24:51 GMT -8
kelleyboy: what other interests do you have? I STRONGLY suggest getting mentally and emotionally involved in something safe like a novel (The Count of Monte Cristo is a perfect read; intense and will hold your attention if you let it. Besides, it's not too heavy on the romance). What about sports clubs or taking a class in something. You need to draw on the resource of your brain. Lead it somewhere SAFE. Right now, your brain is all mushy from thoughts of PoA; it's being dragged around by your emotions. Give your brain something challenging, something intellectually stimulating to think about. Remember: nature abhors a void! You must fill your brain with other distractions, or it will fill itself with destructive, pointless, growthless, unhealthy, self-sabotaging, useless thoughts of PoA (no offense!) Good luck! This is wonderful new brainwash 🐍🐍🍀🍀🍀🍀💐🌻🍂🌺🌴🍂 |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2017 2:14:52 GMT -8
This one is my favorite. If I am not mistaken, as I do not have the research in front of me, most panic attacks cannot be physically sustained for more than 10-20 minutes (give or take). You simply get tired. Panic attacks are physically taxing. Allowing that window of time to pass gives your body time to work out the physical feelings of anxiety. There is a term for it called the " Worry Hill" and it's from a children's book about anxiety. Really good stuff I think.  |
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 28, 2017 11:02:35 GMT -8
Ooh. I like knowing that. I now believe I have swapped out my love addiction for anxiety. And while I don't have panic attacks anymore--at least not recently--it always helps to know something like that. My Uncle who was a doctor used to tell me, "You won't die from a panic attack." That always calmed me down a bit. |
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 23, 2017 11:05:02 GMT -8
It is SO easy to create 'fantasy bond' with PoA and ignore/dismiss reality.
"Having an affair is a lot different than being married. It’s a distinction too few cheaters recognize so long as the “anesthesia” of infatuation, novelty, and illicitness is still numbing the partners to the realities of committed couples....When the anesthesia wears off – and it always does – the realities of setting up a household together; balancing career, finances, and romance; seeing one another unkempt; and watching each other with runny noses, rashes, or an upset stomach, often yield to the searing pain of regret."
(https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infidelity/2017/03/hormonal-honeymoons-infidelity-are-not-sustainable/)f
I am not telling or insisting or encouraging anyone to stay in their current relationships. But what I have experienced is when fantasy takes over reality, healthy and sound decisions cannot be made. When I was in the midst of my fantasy bond with PoA, I saw him as my Knight in Shining Armor. Oh, he was charming. Knew what to say and how to say it to make me weak in the knees and melt my heart. Well, this Knight is a sex/porn addict, $60,000 in gambling debt and trolls AA and SLAA meetings for vulnerable women (I was one of them).
The "anesthesia" wore off (through therapy and guidance from HP) and I was able to discern reality from fantasy. I was able to begin making choices/decisions that were healthy, good and smart, no longer basing them on fantasy or emotions or self-will run riot.
Thank goodness. Thank God. Otherwise, I'd be sitting with this man, trying to figure out how to pay bills, wondering if he's running errands or at the casino again, or if he's checking out porn sites on his phone. By the way -- how's that for reality, I ask myself...
HaveFaith
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Good luck!
