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Post by LovelyJune on Mar 4, 2009 11:37:43 GMT -8
I was spurred on by another member's post the other day to write this. She was talking about her PoA (person of addiction), what he was doing and how she reacted to it: and then he did this and this is how I felt, and then he did that and this is how I felt. A few members responded back, helping her to analyze HIS behavior, and then continued on talking about their PoAs and their PoAs actions.
People! This board is a recovery board. It's about YOU. We are not here to analyze our PoAs. We are not here to figure out why they do what they do. The bottom line is that you picked a substandard individual at a time in your life when you believed you could do no better. That time is over.
Use this time of your life to let go. To focus on you.
Part of this disease is to trick us into believing that if we figure out these PoAs we are recovered. We think if we maintain NC we are recovered (despite still obsessing over them). This is not true.
The thing we ALL must remember is this: the amount of time you WASTE on thinking about and trying to figure out your PoA is time wasted on you. You will never know yourself in those moments if you spend your time fantasizing about someone or something else. And believe me, that's the WHOLE POINT of LOVE ADDICTION. The more you focus on someone outside yourself, the more you AVOID yourself.
You are obsessed with your PoA, because facing yourself alone is possibly the scariest thing ever.
Here's a little test to see how addicted you are. I took this very same test a year ago and ended up crying hysterically in sadness because of the result.
Try to spend ONE WHOLE DAY fighting all your obsessive thoughts about your PoA. Try to think of other stuff. DOn't watch TV or read. Just do what you do normally and see what thoughts you think. Anything will do...try to think about politics or the environment or your friends...let your mind be FREE to finally think of other stuff instead of the PoA. Then come back here and let me know what you thought. When I did this experiment the first time, I had NOTHING to THINK ABOUT. I was as dull and brain-dead as rock.
That's sad. Very sad. And I suspect that most of the people here who are at the very beginning of their recovery will discover the same.
When we focus on others obsessively (especially ones that treat us badly) we deny ourselves a source of sustenance needed to be in the world.
YES! In the very beginning of a break up you have a right to question and seek answers and wonder about the PoA. But give yourself a limit. Say, three months. After that, tell yourself it's time to move on. It's time to put the PoA to bed (not literally of course) and start the process of REAL recovery.
All that said, every one of us has a responsibility to the others on this board to not allow each other to continue fantasizing and going on and on about PoAs. We have a responsibility to help each other out. To bring each other back into FOCUS. To say, hey! I get that you want to talk about him, but what purpose is it serving?
There are many on this board that already do this. They're usually the ones that have been in recovery for a while. Listen to them! And bring the focus back to YOU.
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Post by Turtle Lover on Mar 4, 2009 12:58:50 GMT -8
I'm going to try this experiment tomorrow and see what happens. I have a feeling it will be very humbling. *sigh* I was just telling my therapist that I feel like there is no ME w/out a POA to attach to.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Mar 4, 2009 14:11:39 GMT -8
I agree with Telmita. I believe in the tough love "call to action" form of recovery. I was in therapy starting in 1969. It was part of my probation. I had been arrested for a charge related to my love addiction. For the next 20 years, off and on, we talked about one guy after another. In 1982 I had a nervous breakdown and found 12-Step programs. Suddenly things changed. I had an action plan. I had steps. I had something concrete to do about my addictions. This is the whole point behind my book The Art of Changing. We must do things differently. On a message board it is easy to fall into the trap that T talks about. But do a reality check every so often and ask yourself if you are changing. Are you thinking differently . . . Are you behaving differently . . . Are you feeling better . . . I have been in AA 26 years and when I started going to Co-DA I was in a position to compare the two programs. In AA people are changing. I noticed in Co-DA that people were stuck in the problem and using the program as a revolving door. They would stay to talk about their problems and then leave when they felt better, leaving the blind to lead the blind. Yes, it is important to vent, to a degree, about the problem, but always end with an affirmation. "My boyfriend sucks, but enough about him, I am doing my self-esteem work despite him." LAA is different. People are changing. People stay around to help the newcomers. That is why I believe we are as good as our mother program AA. People are even working the steps. I am so proud of the people on this board. My wish list . . . We all stay in the solution.
We all help each other for the rest of our lives.
Somebody takes over when I die so the program outlives me.Susan/Butterflygirl |
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 4, 2009 15:21:07 GMT -8
This thread should be mandatory reading for everyone -- that we are all here to ultimately recover and support recovery in others.
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Post by Rilly on Mar 4, 2009 18:00:05 GMT -8
Yes. I too agree with Telmita. It is very true. And I have noticed people talking about their POA's way too much. Hey, we love you all. And because we care we want to help. For those of you who are new, this is a board you come to when you want to recover.
Fortunately for me, I don't ever think about my POA's anymore. And it is true that I am getting a LOT more done these days. And I am being more productive at work. Spending more time with my family and everything else in my life.
It is not enough just to find an escape. Maybe in your first few weeks here you need all the distraction you can find. But at some point you have to return to the world of the living.
Wow. When I think back and count up all the hours I wasted talking with my former POA on the phone, or email, or whatever. IT WAS HOURS EVERY DAY. And then the rest of the time you are just a brain dead zombie obsessively fantasizing. And it always leaves you sad, anxious, more obsessed. You can never get enough.
I know people who have been on this board who are married, and still, after months and months can't let go of their POA's. There are even some that angry because their married POA went back to their spouse, and they are happy. You are angry at that? wow... that is almost toxic. You need to come back to reality. Let go. Move on.
We want to know how people feel. However, keep the focus on YOUR recovery. Do the steps. Answer the questions slowly and thoughtfully. Try to build a strong foundation of knowledge and awareness. Share with others. Help others. Ask others for help. We are all in this together.
Rilly
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Chrissy
Junior Member
Newcomer Greeter
Posts: 75
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Post by Chrissy on Mar 4, 2009 18:17:12 GMT -8
I know its so hard to do this...and the focus does need to be on recovery..
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Post by LovingGracefully on Mar 4, 2009 21:19:16 GMT -8
Great post Telmita.
Today when I find myself "wandering off" to visit the past I now have the responsibility to myself as well to bring me back to here and now. He does not exist in my "now".
It is being conscious of what you're thinking...not just mindlessly thinking...but focus on what you're thinking. Write it down. That has been a great insight to how much negative self-dialog I had with my own thoughts. Your thoughts are where the madness lives. Your thoughts drive your behaviors...and so on.
We are absolutely responsible for changing our own behaviors. Yes, it's wonderful to have these boards and have the community of help that is available...but you are responsible for doing the work and keeping your promises you've made for your life.
It is a long walk but it will all be worth it. Try not to get defensive if someone seems to be showing you "tough love" on the boards. We're all here for a common issue we share. We all need to kind but keep each other focused.
If it wasn't for tough love on these boards I might still be stuck.
Keep me in check too, T!!! It does us no good to keep pacifying each other when we are stuck. To reverse being stuck requires a little force, a little tug and maybe a big push!!!
LovingGracefully
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Post by onelifeshifting on Mar 4, 2009 21:38:12 GMT -8
I totally agree telmita. I did post about a mistake i made under recovery. However i did not know how to explain what happened without saying what I did. I think I just back tracked. I love the example you gave about trying not to think abou the poa rather than just no contact. I didn't contact the poa but i triggered myself. I just want to get back on track and talking about me and my life. I want a life.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 5, 2009 6:16:06 GMT -8
I'm requoting T here:
"The thing we ALL must remember is this: the amount of time you WASTE on thinking about and trying to figure out your PoA is time wasted on you. You will never know yourself in those moments if you spend your time fantasizing about someone or something else. And believe me, that's the WHOLE POINT of LOVE ADDICTION. The more you focus on someone outside yourself, the more you AVOID yourself."
It's so easy, when you're withdrawing, to focus on the POA. BTDT - remember it well. The hardest part is peeling away the layers of WHY you are spending so much time focusing on the POA.
I'm all for TOUGH LOVE. I've dealt it out and taken it quite a few times. That's why, for me, I keep repeating the mantra: NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURTS (we're still getting thru the OLD hurts!)
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Post by Havefaith on Mar 5, 2009 8:10:42 GMT -8
NC is certainly a good concept, but can't be thought of as a strategy in and of itself. If I am not careful, NC means thinking about how I AM NOT GOING TO APPROACH MY EX-POA - which means I'm putting the focus back on him.
I have had to redefine NC and put it more global terms so that it works for me -- it means not focusing on anything that will get in my way of recovery. NC means more time to spend with family, friends, job, healthy relationships and finding my way back to sanity and real love.
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Post by mary m on Mar 6, 2009 4:33:52 GMT -8
this is wonderful!!
printing for posterity...keep the positive suggestions coming :)
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Post by presence on Mar 6, 2009 17:56:19 GMT -8
" There are even some that angry because their married POA went back to their spouse, and they are happy. You are angry at that? wow... that is almost toxic. You need to come back to reality. Let go. Move on. "
Part of the sickness is being capable of something you know is wrong, then wanting your POA to be happy in the relationship (because you "love him" and wanting the exact opposite at the same time and even being angry.
Talking about your POA the first few months is like draining a swamp. Learning to accept Gods forgiveness is difficult because you can't believe you did something you were incapable of to begin with.
Every moment you think about your POA IS a waste of time. But every moment you pretend you aren't while you are--stops recovery dead. Suggestions on HOW to take control of your thoughts are always helpful.
And I thank everyone here who has given me that.
Presence
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Post by kathie on Mar 8, 2009 9:24:44 GMT -8
Great Post ... Thank you for this topic.
I am finally at the point of putting my POA aside and focusing on myself. I'm not sure how I got here but I am here. I tried the test you mentioned yesterday and I am happy to report that I spent my day yesterday working on my step work, listening to relaxing music, playing with my dog, did my taxes, caught up on email, etc. I puttered all day long and went to bed early. I couldn't find anyone who wanted to do anything with me, my son moved out of state so it was just me and my dog. I did ok - which is amazing cause I am just learning at the age of 47 how to be alone and enjoy it.
Each time when my POA came to mind (and she did come to mind at least 8-10 times, I was able to redirect my thoughts. I had a pang of hurt, a touch of unsteadiness. I had a choice FINALLY to go into my obsessive mode, maybe text her, reach out but instead, I talked my way to myself through it. I don't know how I got to this spot but please GOD let me stay here.
The only thing I can say could be making this difference is that I am finally well, fully recovered from surgery, back to work, and working a very strong 12-step program, both here and in AA. I am doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I've always done 5 days a week of meetings but now it is 7 days a week. I feel so good it is scary.
Thanks for reading.
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Post by Sexlessw on Mar 16, 2009 16:02:49 GMT -8
GreeBee2004:
Fantastic! I like reading posts like yours - making progress because you've CHOSEN to do the work. Hard work - but work thru progress.
Keep us updated on how you are doing.
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Post by newstart01 on Mar 29, 2009 16:19:13 GMT -8
I just ended a very dysfunctional relationship after 5 years. I am not at the point yet as I am still ruminating about everything and still of course obsess about him. However, I appreciate reading this so much because that is exactly what I am going to do...give it a time limit and then, try my best to focus on me...we are love addicts...always avoiding ourselves/ However, I feel certain that soon I will be ready to stop the madness and get real. I have just begun. Thanks again.
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Post by want2bhappy on Apr 15, 2009 11:03:06 GMT -8
telmita- I read your post and I understand that we are all here to recover from our addiction however, I came here in hope of getting advice and support so that I can take the first step. I don't know really how to do that. I want to get free of my POA but I just don't even know how to go about it. I have tried the NC but you're right I am still obsessed with him. I am so scared to just let go and move on with my life. I have completely lost myself in his life. I have spent the last 5 years living my life for him and not for me. I was going to go to a CO-DA meeting but after reading what Susan wrote maybe that is not the group i need. I really don't know and I feel completely confused right now. I want so much to heal from this but I need help. I can't afford a counselor and my husband kicked me off our insurance a year ago. I just don't know where to turn. Am I really in the right place? Maybe I should try an AA meeting however I am not an alcoholic! I just wish my husband would just let me go and quit trying to draw me back in. I know this won't happen as I am a strong narcissitic supply to him. Why can't I just say no to him!! Please someone lead me in the right direction.
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Post by whereishe on Apr 16, 2009 13:56:30 GMT -8
im new..what is a POA?
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 16, 2009 14:20:54 GMT -8
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Post by LovelyJune on Apr 16, 2009 14:26:20 GMT -8
want2bhappy:
welcome! I think you're in the right place. But I also think you need to be calm within yourself and start reading. Start reading the threads here on these message boards that most apply to your situation. Read any and all of the books on the recommendations list. Begin with Susan Peabody's "addiction to love." SOmetimes when we are enormously stressed out we forget that educating ourselves is still the most important factor to recovery and getting better. So that's your start. Other than that, don't overwhelm yourself. Take baby steps. Read FIRST. Take action later, when you have more strength. Bottom line: the more you invest in trying to figure HIM out, the more YOU disappear. Don't worry about him. It's not about him. Read my post again to really understand what I mean. Believe me, when you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will change.
xo
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Post by Bluejay on Apr 30, 2009 18:01:33 GMT -8
Just want to say thanks. This has been a really helpful thread to a newcomer like myself. It's GREAT to be reminded about how much time I was WASTED. In just the past year, literally thousands of hours from the time I got up until I went to bed - everyday! Time to move on!
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Post by glaciertraveler on May 6, 2009 17:54:13 GMT -8
What a great thread.
Today, after breaking up with my POA last Saturday, I went from feeling low to grandiose within an hour. It felt toxic to hold those feelings in my body. I've been depressed and staying inside working and sleeping all week. I finally decided to get OUTSIDE for a bike ride. I rode for two hours listening to my Ipod and...what a great feeling! I felt like I was one with my body again.
During my ride, I was thinking about this site. Well...hopefully this will be a positive suggestion for all of us in recovery: Please go outside and feel the air surge into your lungs, let the blood pulse through your veins, and move your muscles. Whether it's a brisk walk (I've walked miles in the past while crying my eyes out for hours), jog, bike, ski...whatever...regular exercise outdoors is a simple way to focus on ourselves. It can help us feel alive again.
Thank you for reading, everyone.
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Post by LovelyJune on May 7, 2009 11:26:20 GMT -8
Hi Glacier: all SUPER GREAT IDEAS. Thanks for that. I am a huge fan of biking, working out, running, lifting weights, exercise and outdoor adventure in general. These activities have saved me.
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Post by rebeca on May 27, 2009 10:47:20 GMT -8
Thanks Telmita this idea really help..trying to know me..discover me..instead of trying to figure it out my POA.
It really opened a path for me..an interesting path.
thanks!
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Post by Sophie's world on Jun 7, 2009 4:57:30 GMT -8
The best practice ever!! to focus on the now and not wonder off to ex-lovers and the past... so much more energy and space in the day. Unbelievable how much I/ we keep ourselves away from being with oneself.
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nlala
New Member
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Post by nlala on Aug 8, 2009 5:12:29 GMT -8
This is a great and very helpful thread. I can already see that I will have a problem with just focusing on myself, I have only started thinking about this today, but I can already feel an undercurrent of am I being selfish. I guess that is just part of the addiction, and I guess that's based on the fact that we have low self esteem. Feedback pls. Thanks
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Post by soloact on Oct 30, 2009 22:05:57 GMT -8
what anawesome idea...i'm also new to this site....i m so glad there are other things i can work on focusing on other than my poa....i'm so use to doing just that, i'm going to start this first thing in the morning and see how i do....i knew i belonged here.
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rothvl
New Member
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
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Post by rothvl on Nov 28, 2009 8:52:32 GMT -8
What is scaring me the most, after reading these posts, is the idea that I won't be thinking of my PoA any longer. We live almost 200 miles away from each other; if I didn't have the phone calls and emails to get me through each moment, what do I have?
See? I truly need to be here! I have four beautiful children and 11 wonderful grandchildren; I would like to learn how to live in the moment and stop obsessing over something that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
Oh my...is starting recovery always so difficult?
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Post by geedee on Nov 28, 2009 10:57:41 GMT -8
rothvl, all i had were phone calls and emails. IMessaging was sooo addictive. but it took over my whole life and i neglected everybody and everything around me for 16 mths on and off.
That wasn't living.
you have to decide if you want to get clean and instead of living only for your POA's contact you could think about spending your energy and your time on something more worthwhile. for example on YOU and YOUR life.
but we're all free to keep thinking about our POAS 24/7 aren't we? That's what I did up until a couple of months ago. I didn't want my life, I wanted HIS because I didnt think mine was worth living.
then I hit rock bottom and realised I was going to end up committing suicide if i didnt turn my life around. God tricked me into finding this site - I wasn't looking for anything spiritual- and here I am. GLAD TO BE ALIVE!!!
if you are ready to get your life back and you really start doing the steps day after day you will get better and better. I've experienced the miracle and so have many others here. Baby steps... and you will learn to live in the moment. no more future tripping and you will be so happy you won't believe it.
Greta
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 1, 2009 0:38:36 GMT -8
"Wow. When I think back and count up all the hours I wasted talking with my former POA on the phone, or email, or whatever. IT WAS HOURS EVERY DAY. And then the rest of the time you are just a brain dead zombie obsessively fantasizing. And it always leaves you sad, anxious, more obsessed. You can never get enough."
Rilly, this is exactly me for the past 14 months. I don't even remember what I thought of before he smiled at me that day. It has been so horrible most of the time.
A few weeks ago I literally could not move from the built up anxiety. I went back to bed & prayed, right after I remembered a Now book in my car. I began reading it calmed me enough to go to work. Then I struggled & read when possible. I saw the Oprah show about S addicts, which was not me, then a Love Addict, she seemed extreme in the time spent on her PoAs...but it WAS ME...I googled it & well, here I am. I believe I'm meant to get better even though I did not know how. I'm here to get better. I'm very new so it may take a bit but I'll do my best to stay on recovery. At this point I have so many feelings with no where to put them, since he doesn't want them. Today I drove home with my chest & breathing feeling tight, that has become common when I think about him. You would think that would be enough incentive not to think about him...if it doesn't feel good. But it has not been on my own. I will do the experiement tomorrow on thinking about other things & come back on that.
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Post by ok2bme on Dec 2, 2009 8:42:54 GMT -8
Ok, I had a happier day yesterday while thinking of other things. I often forget I was doing this test & my mind wandered back to him. Welp, it was my first day of choosing n/c & boy, what a difference a day makes. I will pledging the same for myself today & will be doing the letting my mind think of other things instead of allowing it to be consumed with him. I too see that my mind has many blanks...it has been solely used for fantasies and anxieties about him. So I'll need to learn & explore good things to have more to think about.
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