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Post by LovelyJune on May 11, 2009 7:18:23 GMT -8
SOme of the most important things I've learned about LA is from this board, from Susan's book and from simple life experience. Here are a few:
1. Love addiction ain't about love. An addiction, of virtually any kind, is a defense mechanism we use to help us deal with our fears and pain. An addiction keeps us safe from the unknown and keeps us grounded. At least, that's what we believe.
2. Your PoA MAY indeed love you. But again, it's not about whether he loves you or not, it's about HOW he loves you. My PoA loved me very much. But he also smoked pot and neglected me. When you have self-esteem and confidence enough to know you deserve better, you will see that it's not whether he loves you or not, but what YOU want from a relationship and HOW you want to be loved.
3. Just because you were abused or neglected by one parent or two during your childhood doesn't mean you need to seek that same faulty routine out as an adult. You didn't have a choice when you were a child. Those were your parents. That's what you were given. You do have a CHOICE now. Use it.
4. A large part of recovery is simply growing up. Quit treating yourself so badly. Quit allowing people to sh*t on you. You are an adult now. Part of being grown up is to act like an adult and have respect for yourself.
5. Your addiction to your PoA is not really about your PoA. You can spend YEARS analyzing his/her behavior and the only good that will amount to is that you'll make a great therapist someday. Thing is, you will have wasted those years on him or her when you could have been figuring out yourself instead. STOP MAKING YOUR RECOVERY ABOUT THE POA. You are wasting your time. That's not recovery. That's repeating your pattern of addiction.
6. Any addiction can be treated the same when it comes to recovery. Apply what you may have learned in AA, NA or quitting a habit as simple (not really!) as smoking cigarettes to LAA. Remember your PoA is just a manifestation of your addiction and insecurity.
7. Learn how to assign value to good behavior and assign NO value to bad behavior. If you are being pinged, assign NO VALUE to it. Instead, assign a higher value to the strength it took you to turn away and ignore the ping. This is very hard to do. But a great tool for breaking bad habits.
8. Your situation as bad as it is now, will not change or get better until YOU fight your addiction.
9. NC is useless if you are still fantasizing incessantly about your PoA.
10. You need time alone to heal, to recover, to know yourself. No two ways about it. You don't want to hear that. But it's true.
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Post by gabriella85 on May 11, 2009 17:27:05 GMT -8
Thank you for this  |
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carrie
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Post by carrie on May 28, 2009 2:42:32 GMT -8
I really like this.
I would also add that there is a direct correlation between our recovery and how much we are willing to face our own behavior and part of the game.
When I realized that I went back to someone I knew was bad.. I lied, I cheated. When I cleared those faults out of my life.. that was when I started to feel the pain lift.
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Post by onelifeshifting on May 29, 2009 14:55:45 GMT -8
I really enjoyed this post Telmita. Thank you.
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Post by cheri on May 29, 2009 20:11:36 GMT -8
I like this I think the whole point of recovery is stop fantasizing in our MIND and grow up from childhood to adulthood. |
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Post by dawnbelieves on May 30, 2009 6:40:43 GMT -8
Thanks for sharing!
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b-
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Post by b- on Jun 5, 2009 12:52:53 GMT -8
I just read this--this is great stuff! Thanks, Telmita.
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Post by triggered on Jun 6, 2009 19:50:16 GMT -8
Thank you!
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Post by glaciertraveler on Jun 25, 2009 17:22:06 GMT -8
I like the part that says we need to be alone...this is my biggest fear and I know that once I am happy being with myself, that life will be so much better.
Thank you Telmita!
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Post by daisyb on Jul 7, 2009 4:59:03 GMT -8
Telmita; Would you please talk some more with a few more examples about "assigning value to good behavior and no value to bad behavior." I like the concept but not sure exactlly how it works. Thanks!
daisy
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 7, 2009 6:04:29 GMT -8
T/J
Where has T been lately?
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 13, 2009 16:33:44 GMT -8
Hi Sexlessw-- Thanks for asking I have been very busy this summer as I landed a teaching job in the fall and will also start graduate school soon too, so most of my days are spent either working or studying. I have been dating a very wonderful, kind, loving, healthy:) man for six month and we have been traveling a lot and spending time with our children. As for recovery: I do have little flare ups...still...but I now know how to control them. And I continue to see the path of recovery as an INVESTMENT in myself. It's kind of all boiled down to my moods, which I've learned are mostly period-based and last about one week per month. Thing is, when I have nothing to worry or fret over, they are mild- which they have been since ending my last relationship in October. I still have doubts and I still have a general sense of not yet trusting myself sometimes (like I still think sometimes, "I will blow this new relationship," or "what if the fears and feelings of disgust come back." Time will hopefully take those doubts away, but for now, they are there, but I now seem to have incorporated enough POSITIVE SELF- TALK into my brain that I do not let my doubts or emotions control me. I know that my emotions do not rule me and I take them with a grain of salt. WHat also helps is that D (my current boyfriend) does not respond to drama. He loves a passionate woman, not a crazy woman Overall, I'd have to say that the final step in recovery and the most important to maintaining my healthy relationship with myself and D is constantly building and maintaining my confidence ("I deserve this healthy man and his love") and my self-esteem ("I am a good person. I need to believe this. I need to know it!") and being good to others, even if sometimes it doesn't feel right (example: there's a rather natural side to me that sometimes likes to be domineering and nasty. My ex-POA could handle it because he accepted my occasional abuse in his life. Why? Because he had low expectations of me and women in general. My current boyfriend does not accept that kind of behavior and has higher expectations of me. He tells me very sweetly, "your tone, Tracy. It's a little too harsh right now." I want to live up to those expectations of his, because I know he has a healthier self-esteem than the other men I dated and because I know that NOT being nasty is in everyone's best interest Life is calm, peaceful and happy, but I am still learning and growing in my recovery. My life is NOT perfect. There are still a gazillion flaws. But in recovery, I have learned that my life is something to be proud of. I hope this helps others to know that peace is POSSIBLE!!!! PS. If you don't see me on much Sexlessw, please feel free to email me. I am around, just busy!!! |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Jul 13, 2009 17:41:25 GMT -8
Telmita we are all so happy for you.
Don't forget us . . .
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Post by Sexlessw on Jul 17, 2009 9:49:20 GMT -8
Yo, T, thanks for the run down. I'd wondered what happened. I thought you were WEBnapped.
Seriously, life is better with calmness & peacefulness than with LA drama. At least that's what I think (ho ho ho).
Glad to see you're still hanging with us.
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Post by Bluejay on Jul 17, 2009 12:24:04 GMT -8
Wow, Telmita, I'm so impressed with where you are now and the wonderful, positive, healthy things in your life. Continue down this successful path and check in with us once in a while!
Out of curiousity, what are you feelings now toward your POA? Do you have any connection or relationship with him/her? Do you have a history of LA behaviors or was your POA the only one you've had in your life?
I hope to be where you are now on the LA front. I feel fortunately to have a good, healthy, exceedingly normal man in my life (my husband) who has been so patient with me as I sort out my LA situation (he's not my POA). So if I can get over the LA stuff and leave thoughts of my POA behind, then I will be left with peace, serenity and love! More time needed, but being in recovery has already made me calmer. Letting go of the chaos feels good!
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 18, 2009 4:21:11 GMT -8
Hi Bluejay--
Glad to hear that you have a healthy living situation in place. I think sometimes people need an edge of sorts, so as to get their bearing on the rest of life. And I truly believe if you want something bad enough and you put enough work into it, it can be yours.
I have a rather long history of love addiction. My father was an addict of all sorts and my mother was a very passive, innocent wife and mother that believed anything he said and allowed a lot of abuse in her life. I obviously picked up those patterns.
But to answer your question about my PoA, I can visit him whenever I want, really, and I do sometimes. He owns the diner down the street where I live and he's not going any where. He still claims he's in love with me and other than believing him and finding that to be flattering, I really have no emotional attachment to him other than fond memories (and some not so fond ones). I seem to keep my exs close to me and make friends with them after the fact. Thing is, (what I've recently learned), they really don't make good friends. If they were unreliable and unpredictable and disrespectful as boyfriends, they are that way even more so when you're just friends with them. And quite frankly, I can't stand those qualities. I don't deserve them. So, as time goes on, I place more and more distance between us. I am at the point now where I have fond memories of my one PoA and visit him occasionally, and I have the ability to see that my other ex is not really worth hanging on to as a friend and that it's best to move on and let him go. It's the letting go that hurts. Because when you let go of these guys, you are reaffirming your need to let go of a parental figure. And that's tough to do, but it needs to be done. I recently wrote about that.
And by the way, as I got older, my love addiction became WORSE until I addressed it. That's why it's so important to get real with yourself and really work hard to try and break bad patterns. It hurts like heck to break a comfortable pattern, but the earlier and quicker you do it, the less painful it will be. So many people don't realize that and they hang on to their PoA's. Love, alcohol, drugs, any addiction for that matter is only a temporary "fix." Love is only a temporary solution--. How much you need to numb the pain depends on you and your ability to face your problems.
Despite being in a warm and loving relationship with a good man now, I STILL have the same insecurities, doubts, troubles, pains and sorrows that I did before meeting him. He didn't SOLVE anything. He didn't mask anything. I still must deal with my life by myself. This is why you let the PoA go and move on. The mystery of love addiction (or any addiction for that matter) is this: Why let anyone or anything into your life that causes you more pain than you are already capable of generating yourself? When you can answer this question and resolve it, you are in a good place!
Best,
T
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 21, 2009 3:35:30 GMT -8
I'm sorry Nikie you feel that way. I consider myself an "old timer" and I haven't gone any where. And what's nice about the LAA boards is that all the knowledge and learning experiences (and posts!) of those who have come before you are still all right here as a resource for anyone who digs for it. I think the problem is that old timers start to feel like "broken records," giving the same advice over and over and over again, when new people need only look back at older posts to gain insight and answers. I have pretty much stopped posting on people's individual threads and chosen instead to work on my blog and post my learning experiences to everyone on my own threads.
The biggest issue, however, is that once you get to a place of healthy recovery, you generally tend to be active and involved in many other things. A part of my recovery, Nikie, is to STOP talking about love addiction so much and to START living. So yes, it would seem that people who recover disappear. But please don't forget that all their learning and knowledge is HERE on these boards. You just have to dig for it.
T
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Post by nickie on Jul 21, 2009 4:40:00 GMT -8
aa calls that role an elder statesman i guess.
what i like is the interactive nature of the these boards. the experience of interacting is quite different for me then reading one way text. i have never met any alcoholics, children of alcoholics, food addicts or debt addicts who got sober only reading the literature. i have met quite a few dry drunks that no longer go to meetings but whatever, to each his own.
you don't have to feel sorry for the way i feel. i'm not sad. i just notice how stuff is working in here regarding people with time (besides susan.) my observations aren't personal. how can they be, it's not just you. it's revealing how most of the active members in here can't identify who the oldtimers are (again besides susan.)
i guess the only other oldtimer besides you i've seen consistent posting is sexless. maybe the whole "drama" deeming who is IN recovery and establishing "restricted" threads ocurred off screen among lots of invisible old timers? hard to tell.
doesn't really matter. the only thing that matters is that a message of recovery is carried to the newcomer and if they have to get it digging around in old posts from inactive members that certainly is better then nothing.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 21, 2009 7:14:05 GMT -8
Nikie, you make a lot of good points. But here's something else to think about and which I find a bit frustrating from time to time. Love addiction tends to be a very egocentric "disease" if you want to call it that. And by egocentric I mean that most LAs at the height of their acting out and pain, want only to talk about themselves. Add to that another percentage of them that cannot seem to get past slipping and drama. I have learned (from direct experience on this site) that not many people READ the recovery posts. Not many people RESPOND to the posts which discuss positive behavior. Check the stats here. How many post in recovery as opposed to the "I Need Help" section. The poor little "Positive Thinking" section hasn't even hit 100 posts yet and it's been there a very long time. It is my opinion that many people who come here aren't ready for recovery yet. They simply want to vent and tell their story. And while that is a crucial first step to recovery, you need to move on. I find (after having been here since Feb. of '08) that most people vent for a few a months and then disappear. Those that stay do one of two things: make actual progress or get stuck chronically slipping (a smaller percentage than that have made progress after chronic slipping). But the truth is, when you want to recover and be healthy, whether there are people around or not, you do what needs to be done. I'm always around. I can be email. I can be reached on my blog. I am extremely open to helping others and talking and listening. But how many people actually seek out advice from someone who is recovered. Not many. Keep demanding that more healthy stuff and recovery topics are discussed here. Your point of view and concerns are valid ones! |
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Post by nickie on Jul 21, 2009 8:13:57 GMT -8
"not many people READ the recovery posts. not many people RESPOND..."
are you referring to the "recovery restricted" thread. this thread? the one with the subtitle:
"This forum is only for people successfully working a program. Go to 'i need help' if you are slipping."
if you are, i can explain why i never go in here. i think this is my first or 2nd post in here.
i understand that susan put a great deal of thought into trying to find a productive way to deal with whatever invisible to the majority 'drama' happened (if it was with the oldtimers or not.) i perceive this thread and its subtitle to have been created as a solution.
i have never felt even remotely tempted to enter or participate in this thread because of the way it is defined. maybe i'm not the only one.
i slip alot AND/BOTH i work a program. if "successfully working a program" implies it is restricted to members who are strictly NC, then that's not me. in my world successfully working a program means i work the steps and i do not take other people's inventories. since splitting up the threads according to who's better then who defeats the concept of Not taking other people's inventory, i've always stayed out this "restricted" thread.
the basic problem for me is, i do not associate restrictions with any part of the 12th step.
on some other thread, you and i have already had the discussion about 12step programs being for people who want it, not people who need it. i have seen susan bend over backwards in some intro threads trying to wake posters up to not judging other people's recoveries while carrying "the message" of recovery.
i am also of the school of thought that defines me as recoverING as opposed to recoverED. i have read in conf approved aa grapevine literature about the school of thought which enjoys referring to themselves as recoverED and i do not have a problem with that; i simply prefer to think of myself as ungraduated. this preference is a very good indicator for why i will never actively contribute to a forum thread which excludes newcomers who slip even though i don't consider myself to be venting whiner.
i cannot force someone to surrender to the first step any more then i can control someone into moving on. for these reasons i will likely continue to stay out of this restricted area and perhaps like i said, i'm not the only one? this would explain the low usage much more soo then indicate the validity of using the restricted threads usage as some sort of a measuring stick how many LAA members are actually working a program.
i am very grateful to contribute my views and concerns wherever they seem useful in here. thanks/n
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Post by Bluejay on Jul 21, 2009 8:46:05 GMT -8
Hi, I'm jumping in here. Nickie, I see your points, but I get what Telmita is saying too. I don't know about the history of what's happened on the boards. I'm new here as of only three months ago but from the moment I joined, I was ready to get serious about recovery and instituted a strict NC with my POA.
I rarely go to the I Need Help section as it seems to be a lot of people venting but not yet ready to work on recovery. Not that they don't want to, but maybe most newcomers aren't strong enough to cut contact. It's hard to read about people who continually slip and then cry out in pain when to me the solution seems clear: NC. If one continues to engage in an unhealthy situation, then the I Need Help board is where they should be.
I wasn't turned off by the "restricted" nature of the recovery board. To me it implies people are are serious about recovering and are taking steps forward a better, healthy future. There are people who listen, answer, share but you are right - it's not very active.
I'm personally very grateful for oldtimers like Judy, SexlessW, Telmita who have great insights and experiences to share. I've met a couple other LAs on the boards who are in a similar stage or situation as me and together we are helping each other deal with things. I've also poked around a lot in the archives and read old posts.
I don't know where this path will lead me, but if I can let go of my obsessions and lead a healthier life, then I probably will be like Telmita is now. Impart some knowledge and be available to help, but not someone who reads every post and replies individually. I'd like to think that I'll be happily living my life without the fog and chaos of love addiction.
Is there such a thing as full recovery? I think there can be. I've had 4 POAs (this latest one is the longest and most intense) but about 5-12 years between each one and years of "normal living" between them. It isn't necessarily a chronic condition in my case. I am trying to address the underlying reasons so as to stop it happening ever again!
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Post by Bluejay on Jul 21, 2009 8:49:26 GMT -8
Nickie, just wanted to add: good luck with your recovery. I don't know recall your story, but I have read many of your posts. Don't be put off by the "restricted" nature of this board and I hope that you can feel comfortable posting here about recovery as and when you are ready.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 21, 2009 9:08:12 GMT -8
Nikie,
You have more good points. However, you've been around long before the word "restricted" was tacked up on the recovery section of these boards. Even before that word was there, implying segregation, it got a lot less traffic than the "I Need Help" section. I don't see the segregation so much as a judgment on others' progress as a much as I see it another step up in recovery. Like the 12 steps, what's the point in going from Step 1 to step 9 without having done all the other steps in between?
Also, YOU (no one else) define your own progress. I had a lot of slips whilst recovering. EVERYONE DOES. I don't think Susan ever meant to segregate those who slip from those who don't. She separated the "discussion." That's all. The recovery section is more a place to DISCUSS recovery goals, YOU and YOUR PROGRESS and YOUR RECOVERY. It's not a place to discuss slips and falling back into the drama of that life. That's what the "I Need Help" section is for.
There comes a point in everyone's recovery (if they are serious about it) where faulty patterns need to be broken. Where you have to stop accepting the "broken record" mentality and move on. I think Susan was attempting to do that by giving everyone a goal to shoot for. You need a place to vent. Yes. But you also need to know that there are places that are not acceptable for venting but rather for working toward a positive goal of not slipping. The more you hang out in the Recovery section, the more you surround yourself with positive feedback and healthier perspectives on how to change and grow.
I was an Al-Anon member and the way it worked was this: your three first meetings were your "Newcomer" meetings and they were run by an advanced Al-Anon member and they were strictly for venting and talking about the alcoholic in your life. You could blame him or her, you could act out, you could rant...whatever you wanted. It was an open forum. But after your three meetings were over, you came into the MAIN hall for the more traditional meetings. The rules for those meetings were strict. You were never allowed to talk about the alcoholic in your life, You were never allowed to blame or give direct advice to anyone. It was pure RECOVERY talk. This is how people healed.
I think of this as the stages of growth: Infancy, childhood, young adult, mature adult. Each stage is required and each stage has its own passage of time. But, in order to grow, you MUST move on to the next stage.
I truly feel bad for people stuck at any stage of development. And it happens. Sometimes for years. People who are LAs in their 40's and 50's (and that's me!) have probably been stuck at some point in development all their adult life, and that instead of healthy mental and emotional growth, we grew and become LAs instead.
My point is, in a rather roundabout way, I don't think anyone is imposing anything on you except to say, you like everyone else need to be aware that there are stages to recovery and they do include restrictions. That's all a part of growing up. And it happens naturally. The LAA board is not dictating when and where you go, you are. Susan is not keeping one "type" of person out of a section as opposed to another. She is simply moderating the "discussion."
I strongly suggest you do participate in the Recovery section. You are a very smart person and you have a lot of important things to say.
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Post by Bluejay on Jul 21, 2009 9:37:43 GMT -8
Telmita, just want to say that I appreciate your postings and the latest insight into why it makes sense to have the two different types of boards. You explained it really well - it isn't about judging, but about keeping the discussion appropriate to the board that it is on. I like what you wrote about the different stages of recovery and your parallel about the Al-Anon "newcomer meetings" vs. "regular meetings". Makes sense.
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Post by LovelyJune on Jul 21, 2009 13:49:07 GMT -8
Bluejay-- I'm glad to help out, as always! One other thing I wanted to comment on: being fully "recovered" sometimes implies perfection. But it's not. We are not perfect. We are always learning and making mistakes. But i do believe there is a difference between being "in" recovery and being "recovered": As "advanced" as I like to think of myself, I have days where I completely collapse and feel incredibly frail and failing. This happens whether you are in recovery or recovered. But if I consider myself "recovered" I no longer see addictive behaviors as an option. I no longer see my PoA as an option. Getting to that point takes a heck of a lot of TRUST in yourself (i.e. I trust I won't ever create the need for a PoA, I trust that I will never go back to my old methods of solving problems etc.). To be "in" recovery means you have not yet established that amount of trust in yourself but you are working on it. I am in the latter category. I am "in" recovery. But I do believe you can achieve the former. Being recovered, however, takes YEARS. Not one or two years. But MANY. |
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Post by Bluejay on Jul 21, 2009 15:20:59 GMT -8
Makes sense. My situation with this POA does feel different than the three I've had in the past (the earlier three happened when I was between ages 16 and 26; then nothing until this latest POA at age 38). The other ones lasted a few months or in one case two years. But in each of those, I'm 100% fully recovered from that POA. I don't feel ANYTHING abnormal toward them. I'm not in contact with one, I'm in email contact with another and I'm very good friends with the third. But they are all just normal people in my life now.
This latest POA is a challenging situation. It's been the most intense and disruptive to my life. It's taken over my life over the last two years and now with three months of NC I'm slowly letting go. I don't know if I will ever recover from this experience, but I am getting to a point where it is managable. Maybe there will be a time in my future when she won't mean anything to me, but it's hard to envision that point from where I stand now. In any case, I expect to be "in recovery" for a long time.
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Post by Angel on Nov 19, 2009 2:50:58 GMT -8
I have a question.
I have been reading about sexual and emotional annorexia. I have told myself no relationships for 12 months and my sponsor agrees. Originally it was for 6 months but I am already at 5months (nearly) and in no way feel healthy enough for a relationship.
So my question is, since I already suffer (also) from sexual and emotional annorexia, how can I know for sure that my time in 'time out' is healthy? Aren't I in some way perpetuating the other side of things?
How do I know that I am growing if I am not in a relationship? This is a catch 22 question for me.
Anyone???
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Post by lotus on Nov 19, 2009 13:37:18 GMT -8
Probably not a good answer, but I think you will just "know" when you are ready. Is that one of the steps? Step 11?
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Post by LovelyJune on Nov 20, 2009 5:42:01 GMT -8
Angel-- I think besatt is right in that you will just know when something feels right. Dating is a risk, but one we should all take. And although I am a huge proponent of spending time alone to get to know yourself, I am also a huge proponent of dating and testing out how recovered you are. When I went from G (my 3-year, serious PoA) to S it had only been a matter of months in between the two men. But I used that time wisely to grow and I grew from the mistakes I had made with my first PoA. By the time I started dating S, I had changed immensely. I actually had boundaries for the first time, I was more confident and secure in the relationship, I found someone who took better care of himself (physically) and I knew how to detect a red flag when it popped up. At the time, I could have sworn I was completely recovered and had found "the one." And because of that thinking, I refused to look at some pretty serious issues. In that sense, I was still stunted. But let's face it-- we can NEVER be 100% sure of anything or anyone and that is why I say that you better be pretty self-sufficient physically, emotionally and mentally before getting involved, because once you get involved with someone you do need to grow up and put some of yourself aside-- knowing what parts to put aside and how to compromise without losing your identity is the trick to success. If you feel as though you are ready for that then by all means date. BUT! Be discriminating. DOn't just date the first guy that comes along. Get to know them first. Don't throw yourself into anything unless you have a really good picture of someone and unless you feel 99% comfortable with them. Make sure they share your same values, makes sure you feel as though you are being respected and not used, make sure you are in it for the right reasons (not just to have sex), make sure you are still grounded and can turn to your other interests if it doesn't work out. Have high expectations of the person you date, but once you start dating, have low expectations of it lasting (in other words, just ENJOY dating for what it is, without having hope or the promise of a future). When you do that, it takes the pressure off both of you. If you are able to make these kinds of decisions, you're probably ready. If, on the other hand, you feel repelled by the thought of going out there and meeting new men, you might not be ready. If this feeling last over a year, then you might be anorexic. If that's the case, force yourself to meet men but only as friends. Try to work towards an emotional connection very slowly. Be patient with yourself. If anything, read this: laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=love&action=display&thread=4354I hope this helps! |
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Post by Angel on Nov 20, 2009 8:22:56 GMT -8
Dear Telmita,
Yes it does make sense. I can feel myself establishing boundaries. I am going out there and 'feeling' my way. Workng out what I am attracted to and what I am not. Looking into the chasm and then choosing to walk away. I have experienced not having the need to initiate contact, cos I believe that if he is really into you he will contact you!
I have more self respect. I call these guys who are flirting with me at their game and don't buy into it. I read up about SLAA and realised that these guys were trying to hook me into them with their behaviour. I spoke to an older guy friend who is AA and SLAA and he agreed with me that they are doing their best 'be really really nice and attentive and then cold and rejecting' as a way to catch my attention. My male friend tonight laughed and said that I see through their games and that I am not going there is a sign of my recovery.
I will speak to both of them in a way that is polite and setting respectful boundaries without being judgemental.
I feel more confident than I have ever felt before around men. I feel happy and free and attractive
But
I dont' want to date.
I still have days where I can tell I am obsessing in my thoughts about POA, XPOA or people I have difficulty with. I am working my 4th step and a lot of this is dissipating as I do it but it is still there. Totally healthy thoughts will probably never be a reality for me but I can feel that there is still too many unhealthy ones and that if I go out there prematurely I could get hooked again.
Friendship yes, a relationship not yet.
yes I miss the sex but it isn't all about that. I have my two daughters for company and love and affection. We are a really huggy family and I go for massages every now and then and feel good. That helps.
I realise now that my XPOA the one who I spun out on when he didn't contact me, gave me a wonderful gift. I was talking to the friend in AA and SLAA and he helped me look back and HONESTLY assess my behaviour.
I scared the c**p out of the poor guy back then! I was really intense and so certain he was the one that the poor guy had no place to go but withdraw. He was totally overwhelmed with my behaviour. I am not condoning his behaviour, it was unhealthy too but i have to own my own behaviour. I was intense and intimidating and just because I warned him didn't really prepare him for the full onslaught of my personality. Despite this he felt pretty intense about me. I caused a MAJOR reaction in the poor guy.. Totally rocked his world and recovery for me is owning my own dysfunctional behaviour and not acting like a victim.
I am not a victim I was a volunteer. I tried it my way, my self will was running riot. I thought I was god and could decide the future for both of us.
No wonder he hid for three months from me!!!
So saying that I have reached a point of forgiveness and understanding for him and me. And quite frankly if he wanted to talk I would be happy to meet and talk to him and just go back to being friends. The fact that the poor guy tried to contact me says that he was trying to make recompense. But i wasn't ready to hear it, I was still too fragile and my ego was still smarting.
I have discovered that not onlly am I FULL of fears I also have a HUGE ego and am self will run riot - my way or the highway!
In the meantime, I have decided that hard as it is I want to dedicate the next few months to my recovery and that means how to communicate with EVERYONE and not hide from them, how to be emotionaly present for my daughters (I had my first chess game with my 10 year old last night) and how to accept responsibilty for my financial situation which isn't so good at the moment but WILL get better cos I know have a clearer mind and can focus whereas before I never could. AND I am now for the first time in my life totally accepting responsiblity for myself.
I am not ready to date for all those reasons but most of all cos I really, really want as much recovery as possible cos I can see that it is really something worthwhile working towards and I owe it to myself and my daughters who watch their mum.
I just wanted to be reassurred that what I was doing wasn't perpetuating the cycle of neglecting myself that I have done in the past. After reading this I dont' think I am, I think I am being responsible, probably for the first time in my life.
I am actually grateful to R and K cos I have learnt a lot in dealing with them and last of all I am grateful for all the people here on this forum.
Angel
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