jt
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Posts: 21
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Post by jt on Jul 7, 2013 14:15:44 GMT -8
I am not sure I understand the parable...looking for love outside of ourselves is as non-sensical as the man looking for his keys outside even though he knows they are inside? I get a lot out of reading these threads. Logically, I feel like my insight into my addiction is pretty good. Translating that logic into tangible things I can do to start developing and letting go of my maladaptive defense mechanisms is the hard part. Right now I am early in recovery. I am just trying to survive. I use affirmaions. I reach out to supports. I review my pains and gains list. I try not to violate my bottom line behaviors of contacting my POA or reading his email. (1 for 2 today). I tend to get incapacitated by my emotions. I am egregiously behind at work. I guess that is something tangible and action oriented I can do. Any other thoughts on HOW to develop self-love?
From Susan. . . the most reliable source of unconditional love is your Higher Power. After that love yourself. About twenty percent of our love must come from outside (validation, acceptance, affirmation, contact, etc. etc.) e.g. relationships (monogamy, friends, family, mentors, peers, students, etc. etc.) This is because we are human and need human love. The thing to remember is that we don't need romantic love. We can want it, and pursue it, but we don't need it. That is just dessert. Our hidden Imago is just dessert.
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Post by loveaddicted on Oct 23, 2013 8:49:34 GMT -8
This is Patty. lets us know when you have finished your book. I think it would be an awesome read with a lot of advise. I love to read how strong you are. Something we all can look forward to some day. Thanks.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 23, 2013 10:55:06 GMT -8
Thanks loveaddicted! It'll be a while!
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Post by Loveanimals on Oct 23, 2013 22:10:12 GMT -8
Thanks for bumping this, I needed to read it again.
It's not about the men and the relationship, it's about me and my primal fears......
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 24, 2013 13:06:35 GMT -8
Thanks for bumping this, I needed to read it again. From Susan . . . good bit of wisdom. Our fears are "primal." They are buired deep in our unconscious, and some believe in our "collective unconscious" [see Jung] My primal fears were hidden behind obsession and anger. They came up in Freudian Slips that I had in therapy as I analyzed my dreams. Once my primal fear was recognized,I was able to deal with it directly with other methods beside my additive behavior and childhood coping methods. My method is described in my book: identify the fear, talk about it, write about it, feel it head on, let it go (forgive, accept, move on). Wait to do this again every few years. It is an ongoing process. Watch out for triggers like the holidays. Leave your inner child at home if you can. (I failed this last suggestion.)
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Post by Loveanimals on Oct 24, 2013 20:36:50 GMT -8
Yes primal fears come up.
When someone says divorce I think of moving into an apartment, and that's where I was sexually asserted as a young teenager, by military men who also lived in the apartment complex. So the thought of putting my little girl through that hell gives me panic attacks.
So divorce - puts panic attacks.
Just like when I hear a song on the radio it makes me remember the sexual assault that occurred after that time.
How do you feel it and let it go???
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 25, 2013 4:06:50 GMT -8
You face it. Right now, you are avoiding it. Once you are in the apartment, that's when the work of trying to feel it and let it go begins. As it stands now, that fear, despite being based in actual experience, is an illogical fear. The reality is, you are older, stronger, able to take care of yourself. If you feel as though you are not, that you are still at risk, you take action towards becoming safer and stronger (i.e. take a women's safety class: www.womenssafetyacademy.com/safety_course_schedule.html )
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2013 21:42:53 GMT -8
So very hard for me, but I continue to work on it.
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Post by Loving My Life on Feb 21, 2014 19:34:16 GMT -8
Please take a moment and read this thread it spoke volumes to me when I first found this forum.
As long as we cant let go and start to recovery we will keep doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result, and this is insanity...
If we keep doing what we have been doing, we will keep getting what we have always got.
CRUMBS
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Post by loveellen on Feb 26, 2015 16:43:17 GMT -8
seekingserenitynow, Very good question, and I'd like to answer it. Recovery is about the self and about building an identity for the self (recognizing values, loving yourself, being compassionate to yourself, etc.) It is important to build a healthy human in this way, especially when he or she has suffered and has stunted growth. But self love is only a building block, albeit a crucial one. The meaning and beauty of life is to be shared with others. But sadly, LAs cannot do that. They are too buried in their addictions, defense mechanism and obsessions. In order to love others and share your own inner love, you must build it within yourself. Only then will you understand the importance of relationships. Suddenly, they will become something totally different. No longer will a relationship be pain and suffering or make you feel needy and desperate. A healthy relationship will allow you to keep your spirit and beauty intact and it will allow you to glow and share your love. Recovery though, and these boards are all about building an identity for yourself and to do that successfully, it's usually best to be alone. You cannot really build your sense of self with others. You must do it alone. But once it's built, it is the foundation for all other relationships, which are much needed in life!. Does that help? I love this post deeply...yes, God help me to know what i am really is
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Post by loveellen on Jul 29, 2015 18:29:56 GMT -8
this thread is very touching ! love it..
i read a book a few days ago, it says when the sex abused happened, the most terrible thing it is that same time , the girl core self was broken..
so all the problems from the broken core self..
that is why pray , god help me to rebuild healthy and real me.
and at the same, all the awful past relationships are build on the broken core self...taht is why is suffering..
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Post by loveellen on Jul 29, 2015 21:11:47 GMT -8
I've been reading a lot of posts lately where the individual (the LA) is focusing his or her recovery on finding, maintaining, waiting for or trying to create A BETTER RELATIONSHIP, as if having a loving, intimate perfect relationship were a sign that he or she has beat this whole love addiction thing. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and finding love. I think this is the hardest thing for any of us (me included) to understand. So I'll repeat it: Love addiction has little or nothing to do with the external world of dating and/or finding love.It has to do with your own, personal inner ability to love YOURSELF and BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and not use relationships or people as a means of escaping your pain and suffering. In fact, I will go so far as to tell you that by focusing so heavily on your recovery for the sake of being good at a relationship, you are continuing the faulty pattern that got you into the mess in the first place. And by "mess," I'm talking about your addiction (NOT your relationship, NOT your PoA). Your addiction: That draining, exhausting, undermining, self-sabatoging defense mechanism that YOU built for yourself many years ago to protect you at some point (not from dating, mind you, but from pain; physical, mental, sexual or emotional), and which has now become a defective, poorly functioning crutch. Not only has it become a crutch, but it has become something you don't even recognize anymore. Suddenly, now that you're older, you think you have a problem with men or women or relationships in general (and you do, but...) But you think, if I can just figure out how to BE in relationship, I'll be fine. Sadly, that's not the answer. In fact, it's the problem. And it's resurfacing and resurfacing and resurfacing with each new relationship you get into. My wonderful, loving mother used to say to me, "Tracy, God gives you the same problem over and over again until you figure out how to fix it and get it right. When you fix it, the problem never comes back again." She was so right. For the longest time I thought I was just dating the wrong guy or I was weird, different, strange. I bought a MILLION books on how to repair a relationship. I bought self-help books on how to love myself and how to be the perfect person I could be...I did all of this for the sake of finding the right man. Little did I know I was trying to fix something that was not even broken. I was trying to fix something that I had NO CONTROL OVER: men, dating, love, etc. I was trying to fix the wrong thing! In fact, as recently as last year, I thought I had finally overcome all my problems with men. I thought I had finally proven my worth by dating a guy that loved me and I loved him (despite a few little problems, that I supposed I had to overlook, even though they didn't make me feel too good inside). And then one day, he dumped me. One day, he said, "I don't love you. I must have made a mistake." And upon hearing that, I lost it. I lost EVERYTHING, and I came to the bitter conclusion that I was not meant for love. It was at this point in my self discovery that I FINALLY got it. Love addiction has NOTHING to do with LOVE or men or relationships. It has to do with your independent ability to survive and thrive in the face of loss and pain, and not to cover pain up by losing yourself to the relationship for safety and protection. It has to do with who you are as JUST YOU, not who you are as you relate to the relationship you're in. Recovery and self-worth come when someone dumps you or stuffs on you or beats you down or fires you and you allow it to happen without crouching and hiding. You allow it to happen and you face it and all of its consequences but you do NOT let it get the best of you. You do not identify your self worth with it. Self-worth is a huge part of a successful recovery as an LA. Self-worth is based on identity. It is based on having an identity of one's own and not feeling like a failure or feeling worthless because a relationship did or didn't work out. And considering that one of the biggest issues love addicts have is a loss of identity and loss of self, this is where recovery needs to be focused-- on finding one's own identity. The more we look to solve the problems of our lives outside ourselves, the more lost we become. And sometimes when we hold on to a failed or failing relationship it is because our identity and self-worth is so wrapped up in it. You are not that relationship. Separate yourself from the relationship and start believing in who you are and what you are worth as a man or a woman who is viable and functioning without an intimate relationship. When you have put in the time to do that, to understand who you are and recognize and make peace with your own identity, then you are more prepared when an opportunity for a relationship does come up. At that point, you don't settle. You don't take the only thing out there, or the first thing that comes along, or just anyone to make the pain go away. YEs! Everyone wants to be in a loving, intimate relationship. That is undeniable. It is also part of our biology, and it is a practical, possible, real desire. But we must have a core self first; we must know ourselves and be able to stand on our own and have something to bring to the table first before we can introduce someone new and healthy into our lives. Dating is, after all, a more advanced stage of development. It might take awhile. It might take deferring gratification and putting time and energy into developing the self. But it's worth it. You are worth it. Somewhere along the line we, as a group, learned faulty defense mechanism to get us through some pretty tough times. They worked then, when we were ten and twelve and seventeen. But they don't work anymore. Addiction is a defense mechanism. It doesn't work. And just as the alcoholic must learn to survive and know himself without the bottle, and just as a drug-addict must learn that more drugs is not the answer, we too, must stop seeking out solutions through the PoA and The Relationship. The solution, the answer is in building the self. --------------------------------- Here's a parable I always loved. You may have read it before in some variation: There was a young man searching outside his house, in the grass, for his keys. It was a sunny bright day, with lots of mid-afternoon sun streaming down. An old man came by and asked what he was doing. "I'm looking for my keys," he said. "I lost them." So, the old man wanting to help the fellow out, started looking in the grass along side of him. After awhile, the old man said, "did you maybe drop them in a different spot, because we've been looking here for a while now and I'm not seeing anything." The young man looked up from the grass and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I should have mentioned that I lost my keys inside the house." The old man was dumbstruck. "I'm a little confused," he said. "If you lost them inside the house, why on earth are you looking for them out here?" "Because there's more sunlight," he said. I love this post very very much!! I found I Still focous on analysis WHAT OTHERS THINKING ABOUT ME, that means ,I still make myself others esteem, ,not my own esteem thank you !
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Post by loveellen on Aug 12, 2015 5:13:35 GMT -8
a healthy person is idenitfied by her/his higher power,
but a codependency is identified by others, espeicaly by narcisist,
so focus on relationship not really a want , a sick need..
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Post by Havefaith on Aug 12, 2015 5:38:52 GMT -8
Well said, loveellen -- any relationship based on obsession, codependency, compulsions simply does not work.
I look to my HP (Holy Trinity) to guide me, and lead me to a Greater Good...
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Aug 12, 2015 8:16:23 GMT -8
Well said, loveellen -- any relationship based on obsession, codependency, compulsions simply does not work. I look to my HP (Holy Trinity) to guide me, and lead me to a Greater Good... HaveFaith The Holy Trinity is my favorite metaphor for God.
God the creator and Father. Christ the son and missionary on earth. Holy Spirit [comforter, translator, guide, mediator, etc.]
I worship God and Jesus the son, but it is Spirit who is my friend. I love her.
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Post by Sobriety on Oct 4, 2015 10:17:34 GMT -8
Dear lovely June,
Please enlighten *Self love-finding self identity-stop focusing on the relationship*
Where do we love addicts start in loving ourselves? Finding our identity?
As we love addicts lose our life when we are in a relationship. We isolate ourselves from family, friends, hobbies and career goals (even quit our jobs)...does self love and taking the focus away from the relationship means to not abandon our life for a relationship? Does it mean adding our hobbies and passions back into our life? Does self love mean not abandoning our career for a relationship? Does self love also means to be selfish at times by not being a codependent who abandon their own routines or goals or tasks to cater to someone else?
Self love...does it mean spending time with ourselves and nurturing ourselves alone....by listening to music, meditation or spiritual music, doing yoga,going for a massage sometimes, a walk in the garden or just quitely sitting on a bench in a park looking at the nature?
Does self love also means grooming ourselves? Quit smoking. Stay medically fit and take care of our body inside out? Aren't these also good ways to be spending time with oneself and take the focus away from the relationship?
I would love to hear from you... Sobriety
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Post by Susan Peabody on Oct 4, 2015 10:56:38 GMT -8
I don't want to break any confidences, but Sobriety is in trouble. Her safety is at stake. Please offer some reassurance and put her in your prayers. She lives in India. I am personally taking care of her, but I need your help.
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 4, 2015 16:28:25 GMT -8
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Post by Sobriety on Oct 4, 2015 19:17:05 GMT -8
Hello! YES, YES, YES, and MORE YES! Why do a sk the question "what is self-love" if you already know Dear lovely June, Its silly! I realised when I read my question again this morning. It was silly of me to ask actually. That's what I thought self love was. I was just confirming whether what I thought was right or not. It was as if, after a dream one asks their hand to be touched to see they are in reality Or a child confirming *Mommy, are my shoes pink color* despite knowing that they are. A validation or reassurance.
I read in a book *An abusive man plucks your reality from your mind and put his own reality, so that after years in the relationship, you can't trust your own perceptions.* I believe it to be very true, as I experience this first hand after being in an abusive relationship for a decade. I honestly can't trust my perceptions at times. My family also tells me sometimes *For an intelligent girl, that I was, I sometimes have started talking dumb* I have no shame anymore to accept that at times, I do this but I will try to heal my perceptions and trust in myself. Your awakening *when you already know what self love is then why do you ask* is the first time someone put the reality back. Someone telling me, what I am thinking is right. ThanK you lovely June.
Excuse me everyone if in the future I ask something like this where I contradict in one post itself. I know it. I define it yet I ask it. It will probably be from a lack of believe in myself. Hopefully the awakening messages as lovely June just sent, will put me back to the center of my life and bring a belief in myself.
I asked about self love and taking the focus away from the relationship. I do most of what I wrote up in my post and wonder why am I still immobilised. Why am I a love addict? I do love myself a lot. Even pamper myself. I am present in my life. I also never miss out responsibilities towards family.
Would love to hear what others did next...
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 5, 2015 3:20:11 GMT -8
I am glad to hear that you love yourself and that you pamper yourself! That is a great first step But, deep self love means that you also only embark upon relationships with individuals or groups who also pamper you, treat you well, treat you kindly and treat you with respect. This is part of your responsibility to yourself. Keep reading. Keep learning. Don't give up on yourself. YOU are your best investment. Never forget that.
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Post by Sobriety on Oct 5, 2015 8:28:17 GMT -8
But, deep self love means that you also only embark upon relationships with individuals or groups who also pamper you, treat you well, treat you kindly and treat you with respect. This is part of your responsibility to yourself. Dear Lovely June,
You are so right. I interpret it "I love myself but not enough to let others treat me well. Self love thus is also believing in ones self worth." I shall work on that. Its like raising ones bar. Not to settle for someone who would rob us of our soul. Wow lovely june. Thank you.
Sobriety
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Post by moonlitvein on Oct 5, 2015 10:05:32 GMT -8
Dear SobrietyPlease know with utmost certainty that you have come to a place where you'll realize that you are not alone. You'll be able to identify with others here and find companionship. You know, I have one of the same troubles as you - extreme fear and uncertainty about the future. Many of us share this. I read your posts. You know that you have to face your fears and do it anyway. One of the best ways to begin is to start talking about it and be completely honest & open about it. I opened two threads in the emotions section - one on anger & the other on fear of men. And I talk openly about my feelings. I let go & then I see how others offer their perspectives on the situation ... they open a doorway, they shed light on my situation & show me a side that I never knew existed. If you can try doing the same then it might help you to see your situation in such a way, show you a solution that you might not have thought of before. It might take time to get out of your situation but it will give you hope & a new path. I really hope that some of the things from your list works out the list of activities/hobbies you engaged with pre relationship with your friend. Don't give up. Keep doing it. And yes, you will be able to discover YOU through deep engagement, meaningfully, through these activities, yoga, music, nature, walk in the garden, moving back to a professional life again. You can do this Read LJ's blog daily. Read the spiritual material in this board. And write ... let your feelings out honestly. Suppressing won't help you. I for sure have understood this. Most importantly stay connected with friends & family members who will stand by you & help you during extreme crisis. I'm in India too. See! Not alone at all Love Moonlit
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Post by Sobriety on Oct 6, 2015 4:46:44 GMT -8
I opened two threads in the emotions section - one on anger & the other on fear of men. And I talk openly about my feelings. I let go & then I see how others offer their perspectives on the situation ... they open a doorway, they shed light on my situation & show me a side that I never knew existed. If you can try doing the same then it might help you to see your situation in such a way, show you a solution that you might not have thought of before. It might take time to get out of your situation but it will give you hope & a new path.
Dear Moonlitvein, I will read your threads. Thank you for your encouragement, solutions and compassion. Much love and compassion, Sobriety (India) Hehe! I thought I would be the only one from India... Good to hear from you Moonlitvein..
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Post by LovelyJune on Oct 6, 2015 5:34:49 GMT -8
There's actually several people here from India! These are stats from The Lovely Addict (2015), but my guess is there's a lot of carry over to this site
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Post by moonlitvein on Oct 6, 2015 8:06:48 GMT -8
Woahhh look at those numbers! Thanks for posting this LJ Sobriety, haha even I feel sometimes that I am the only one. But in my heart I've always known that can't really be true! And what does it matter where we are from ... We are all sharing something that is universal... At the end of the day we are eternally bound together through our experiences, our addiction, our recovery and moving beyond it.
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Post by leahb on Oct 6, 2015 8:10:50 GMT -8
Very true MLV, very very true.
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Post by Sobriety on Oct 6, 2015 8:35:23 GMT -8
Woahhh look at those numbers! Thanks for posting this LJ Sobriety, haha even I feel sometimes that I am the only one. But in my heart I've always known that can't really be true! And what does it matter where we are from ... We are all sharing something that is universal... At the end of the day we are eternally bound together through our experiences, our addiction, our recovery and moving beyond it. Well Said Moonlit! Thanks LJ for posting. It's very true indeed Leahb!
We all are the children of God eternally bound together.
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