Post by LovelyJune on Dec 22, 2009 5:04:55 GMT -8
A few people have asked me how they should begin recovery work. What are the very first steps needed to begin the process of change. While reading as much as you can of these boards is a HUGE start, here are a few other important tasks that, in my opinion, can really solidify your recovery...
1. Make a promise to yourself that you will do the best you can to become healthy. Not "healthier," but HEALTHY. Set a high goal for yourself, but remember that if you set your standards too high, you might be disappointed. Set a date that begins your recovery. When you make a promise to yourself and set a date, you begin to realize that your recovery has value and importance. Recovery, after all, is not about winning a guy or dating the right person. Recovery is about your ability to recognize your own worth, despite the trauma, pain or sadness of your childhood or your current situation.
2. Determine what immediate action, if any, needs to be taken. For example, if you are in an extramarital affair, one of your very steps to active recovery is to END THE EMA. If you are in a physically, mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, one of your very steps to active recovery is to remove yourself from the relationship, or at least try to prepare the groundwork for your withdrawal. If you are at the beginning of a situation where NC (no contact) is the case, PLAN YOUR NC (http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=lovenes&action=display&thread=1089) Don't just do it cold turkey! When you are stronger, more "action" will be taken. But until then, this is a good start.
3. Buy yourself four crucial books:
These books are essential tools to help you LEARN a new way of thinking about yourself and your situation. The more you read, the smarter you become.
4. Recognize that recovery is NOT about the PoA, it's about YOU and YOUR VALUES. So many people come to these boards and talk, talk, talk about their PoAs and the fact that they're avoidant or narcissistic or whatever. Who cares! You are attracted to damaged people because you are currently damaged. You need to HEAL. You need to increase your self-esteem. You need to believe that your life has more value than you currently think it does. Your recovery has NOTHING to do with the man in your life, save that he is there and you need to decide what to do about him. Recovery is about the Self. That may sound selfish (me, me, me...it's all about me!) but I am a firm believer that most LAs are the way they are because of stunted growth and immaturity. We believe we had our childhood swiped from us by a parent who may have neglected us (dear old dad, maybe?), and while some are able to overcome that, we chose a defense mechanism that held us back, emotionally and mentally. So...in order to grow and change, we need to go back to basics. It is a teenager's job to learn to love himself or herself. A teenager needs to be egocentric so as to move on to adulthood. Healthy teenagers do this not so much by being selfish, but by being introspective, compassionate and exploring who they are and what they like and dislike. It is at this phase where people, in general, build a value system. LAs skipped this stage, so we need to rebuild our lives by focusing on learning who we are and creating values for ourselves. What are values? I actually never knew the answer to this question until a couple years ago. A value is something that is so very important to you that it must always be upheld. If it's not, you feel uncomfortable and just plain wrong. When I learned what my values were they looked something like this: I do not want to be around people who do drugs; affection is crucial to me; anyone I date must treat me and my children with respect...and so on. Certain values may not be that evident to you, but start with the obvious: "I refuse to date serial killers." That one is pretty easy, yes? Then build from there, increasing your values as you get stronger. The more values you have in place, (with the exception of things like, "I will not date men that wear red shoes;" that's not really a VALUE as much as it is a "preference"), the stronger your love of self becomes to you AND to others. So...write a list of things that are crucial to you and realize that upholding these "values' is the first step in loving yourself. You have a RIGHT to pick and choose what your values are. They belong to you and the people who you surround yourself with should respect these values. If they don't, there's a problem with keeping them in your life. A side story: for years I felt as though my aversion to drugs was too extreme. I tried to be laid back about it and tolerate it in my life, but every time my bf would get high, I felt sick to my stomach. I kept trying to change this aspect of me, kept trying to be more "cool" about it. What's a little pot here and there? Relax! But the truth is, it was almost impossible to change this core part of me. What was much easier was recognizing that I was OK and right to be this way, and that I just needed to surround myself with people who also shared my same value! Define your values, maintain them (by using boundaries) and be proud of them. They are your best defense against meeting another inappropriate mate.
5. Lastly, start the Steps. I am a huge proponent of learning, and the Steps teach you about yourself. They are a springboard into awareness, compassion and love for self. And yet, I wouldn't get too wrapped up in them. They are meant as a guide, to help you learn about yourself. They are not meant to replace your own ability to discover yourself in other, crucial ways.
Remember, these are just the beginning steps of recovery and great place to start. Once you have these under your belt, you'll be ready for more exciting, soul-searching, liberating, growing, healthy steps that will fortify and strengthen your recovery.
T
1. Make a promise to yourself that you will do the best you can to become healthy. Not "healthier," but HEALTHY. Set a high goal for yourself, but remember that if you set your standards too high, you might be disappointed. Set a date that begins your recovery. When you make a promise to yourself and set a date, you begin to realize that your recovery has value and importance. Recovery, after all, is not about winning a guy or dating the right person. Recovery is about your ability to recognize your own worth, despite the trauma, pain or sadness of your childhood or your current situation.
2. Determine what immediate action, if any, needs to be taken. For example, if you are in an extramarital affair, one of your very steps to active recovery is to END THE EMA. If you are in a physically, mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, one of your very steps to active recovery is to remove yourself from the relationship, or at least try to prepare the groundwork for your withdrawal. If you are at the beginning of a situation where NC (no contact) is the case, PLAN YOUR NC (http://laarecovery.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=lovenes&action=display&thread=1089) Don't just do it cold turkey! When you are stronger, more "action" will be taken. But until then, this is a good start.
3. Buy yourself four crucial books:
- Susan Peabody's Addiction to Love (eye-opening!);
- The Self Esteem Workbook (because, let's face it, if we had self-esteem we wouldn't put up with half the stuff we put up with or date half the men we have!) ,
- a book about how to control emotions (LAs are typically a victim of their emotions. We tend to react to things instead of dealing with them logically. I suggest Dialectic Behavior Therapy books.
- Lastly, buy A Fine Romance, by Judith Sills. It's a little confusing in the beginning, but don't give up reading it! It explains a lot about what to expect in a relationship.
These books are essential tools to help you LEARN a new way of thinking about yourself and your situation. The more you read, the smarter you become.
4. Recognize that recovery is NOT about the PoA, it's about YOU and YOUR VALUES. So many people come to these boards and talk, talk, talk about their PoAs and the fact that they're avoidant or narcissistic or whatever. Who cares! You are attracted to damaged people because you are currently damaged. You need to HEAL. You need to increase your self-esteem. You need to believe that your life has more value than you currently think it does. Your recovery has NOTHING to do with the man in your life, save that he is there and you need to decide what to do about him. Recovery is about the Self. That may sound selfish (me, me, me...it's all about me!) but I am a firm believer that most LAs are the way they are because of stunted growth and immaturity. We believe we had our childhood swiped from us by a parent who may have neglected us (dear old dad, maybe?), and while some are able to overcome that, we chose a defense mechanism that held us back, emotionally and mentally. So...in order to grow and change, we need to go back to basics. It is a teenager's job to learn to love himself or herself. A teenager needs to be egocentric so as to move on to adulthood. Healthy teenagers do this not so much by being selfish, but by being introspective, compassionate and exploring who they are and what they like and dislike. It is at this phase where people, in general, build a value system. LAs skipped this stage, so we need to rebuild our lives by focusing on learning who we are and creating values for ourselves. What are values? I actually never knew the answer to this question until a couple years ago. A value is something that is so very important to you that it must always be upheld. If it's not, you feel uncomfortable and just plain wrong. When I learned what my values were they looked something like this: I do not want to be around people who do drugs; affection is crucial to me; anyone I date must treat me and my children with respect...and so on. Certain values may not be that evident to you, but start with the obvious: "I refuse to date serial killers." That one is pretty easy, yes? Then build from there, increasing your values as you get stronger. The more values you have in place, (with the exception of things like, "I will not date men that wear red shoes;" that's not really a VALUE as much as it is a "preference"), the stronger your love of self becomes to you AND to others. So...write a list of things that are crucial to you and realize that upholding these "values' is the first step in loving yourself. You have a RIGHT to pick and choose what your values are. They belong to you and the people who you surround yourself with should respect these values. If they don't, there's a problem with keeping them in your life. A side story: for years I felt as though my aversion to drugs was too extreme. I tried to be laid back about it and tolerate it in my life, but every time my bf would get high, I felt sick to my stomach. I kept trying to change this aspect of me, kept trying to be more "cool" about it. What's a little pot here and there? Relax! But the truth is, it was almost impossible to change this core part of me. What was much easier was recognizing that I was OK and right to be this way, and that I just needed to surround myself with people who also shared my same value! Define your values, maintain them (by using boundaries) and be proud of them. They are your best defense against meeting another inappropriate mate.
5. Lastly, start the Steps. I am a huge proponent of learning, and the Steps teach you about yourself. They are a springboard into awareness, compassion and love for self. And yet, I wouldn't get too wrapped up in them. They are meant as a guide, to help you learn about yourself. They are not meant to replace your own ability to discover yourself in other, crucial ways.
Remember, these are just the beginning steps of recovery and great place to start. Once you have these under your belt, you'll be ready for more exciting, soul-searching, liberating, growing, healthy steps that will fortify and strengthen your recovery.
T
