Incest and Love Addiction

thanks susan.

I am pretty sure that i****t caused my issues.

I will not go into detail right now. Esp as I am the first one replying.

But I agree that it should be talked about.

Love addiction and i****t for me go hand in hand. They are interrelated. It has affected the "way I love people".

Carol

thanks Faith, I've only seen 1 therapist, off and on since I was 13. I never could afford to see him regularly, long term. He also counseled my sister and told me he didn't think he could help her. He also did couples counseling with my parents a few years ago. He's a psycologist and a minister and I like him but I didn't take much away from the counseling. I'm honestly not sure if he's qualified to treat someone with the kind of issues I have, maybe i'm wrong. I'm now in a position financially to pay for regular therapy, but because of my job, it would have to be done primarily by cell phone. (Im a long haul otr commercial driver).

My family has always minimized the abuse, so I guess I do the same thing. I hear of kids who were forced into intercourse when they were 10, others who were beaten so badly they had broken bones. In light of that, it seems the abuse I grew up with wasn't that bad, but obviously it was bad enough to do some damage to my sister and I.

My next step will be to find a qualified therapist that can counsel me via telephone, as I feel at this point I need some very intense therapy, weekly sessions, for several months at least. Self-help books and websites have gotten me by thus far, but I need something more. I will look for a copy of the book you recommended. Thanks again.

I was sexually abused as a child. Not directly. My father left porn magazines everywhere for me to find and he laughed when I found them. As hard as my mother tried to get them out of the house, he'd bring them back in. I was well aware of all kinds of crazy things by age 5.

My father also crossed boundaries with me that I won't divulge. Even though he passed away, I dislike him for those bad choices he made. And yet, I was able to make peace with him after he showed my children love and attention. But I would literally get sick in my stomach and run and go get them if he was alone with them. He couldn't understand why I was so paranoid, and I can't understand either. Except for a lifetime of mistrusting my father.

Luckily, my mother played an important role in my ability to heal and get on with my life. She said that sex was normal and that some people are a little weird about it. And we would LAUGH. Bringing in the humor and turning into something funny and not bad or toxic saved me.

I believe that today, despite the way I was raised and what I was exposed to, I have a healthy sex life. I never went into the sex trade, but I did apply for a job as a go-go dancer once. I couldn't go through with it. THANK GOD.

But abuse is everywhere. People cross boundaries all the time. They don't know any better, and they do the best they know how at the time.

Try to forgive your abuser. It's hard, but forgiving others is a gift you give yourself.

It is not a requirement for recovery but it is required if you want to feel better. Resentment is a burden.

I can't forgive her *now*. I need to go at my own pace. Everyone's process is different and at different paces. I look forward to doing it in the future. I did go thru this when my mother died; she had abused me, too. Not in**st, but verbal abuse. I went thru a period of much anger and anxiety and sadness, then it gelled somehow. I forgave her. Having been in touch with my feelings and processing them, I then realized she had been human. And I was able to appreciate her. To see her exactly as she was.

I hope I do this, too, with my aunt.


Carol

For the first time in my life, today when reading posts here on the board, i ran across the term "covert sexual abuse". I never realized that there's a term for what my dad did to me and my sister. I did a Google search on the subject and though the results were limited, i found enough information to conclude that i was sexually abused covertly. I've struggled with this addiction and BPD for many years and nearly everything I've read on either subject pointed to molestation as a major underlying cause. This always confused me because, my dad never molested me per se, in the traditional sense of the word.

My dad is what I consider to be a severe sex addict. He's been unfaithful to my mother the entire time they were married starting from the first week. He's had affairs, flings and prostitutes. Only in the last few years does it seem he has given it up, or at least slowed down enough to more easily cover it up, and at this point Mom doesn't care enough anymore to investigate the way she used to. He also had a terrible temper, on occasion we were beaten with leather straps sometimes with our pants pulled down. Terrible things were said to us when he was hitting us too. Mom would stand back and beg him to stop. My paternal grandmother was a terribly cruel and physically abusive woman and she also covertly sexually abused my dad and his siblings. So, I find myself pitying and empathizing with my Dad. This was done to him too, he never knew anything else, so i suppose in his mind's eye it's somewhat normal.

It was subtle, but my sister and i both recall him hovering around outside of the bathroom door when we were bathing. he would walk in to our bedrooms when we were changing clothes and would fly into a rage if we locked our doors. In public we saw him ogreing women and often he would make inappropriate remarks about them to us. He didn't keep much hard core pornography around, but i did run across the occasional Playboy or Easy Rider stashed under some socks in a dresser drawer. He would come in my bedroom at night to look at me, I would pretend to be asleep. He made remarks about my weight on occasion as well. There were times when I could "feel " him looking at me. However, the incident I remember the most is when my mom and sister were asleep. I got out of bed to go to the kitchen, when I passed the living room, Dad was in there awake, in his tighty-whitey underwear (as usual) watching tv in the dark. I was about 9 years old, i pretended not to notice that he had been masturbating and "put it up" when i walked by. On my way back to my bedroom he called me over to him and sat me on his lap, on his erection. Strangely, though it was awkward, i felt arousal and actual moved around on him for a second, i guess to "help him out" before i got up and told him i was going back to bed. I never told anyone about that incident until i was 22. I told my daughters father first, during my pregnancy, after i discovered he was a pornography addict. Then i told my mother.

the issue has been brought up since then and caused some family problems, Dad says I'm lying, Mom seems to believe him. He has "logical explanations" for every accusation made and I don't think Mom can cope with the truth. My sister and I are both damaged by these things, she's actually worse off than I am. There were times that she and I "acted out" fantasies together, but nothing beyond petting above the waist, but still, it was strange. I've had sexual dreams about my dad all of my life, and in the dreams I was enjoying having sex with him. This has always bothered me.

My most recent poa, more than any of the others, reminds me of my dad on SO many levels. One night, when I was in a very deep state of depression, I was at my parents house, my poa came over to visit. He was talking to me about breaking up. I felt something very strange happen inside of me during the conversation. I was later told by my therapist that I had age regressed. I mentally regressed into a child. My poa picked up on it, and began making the most intense, passionate love we ever made, and he told me to call him "daddy" while we were doing it. He had never asked me to do this before and he never asked me to do it again. I've always felt like he used everything he could find, especially my mental issues, to control me and create a psycological dependency on him. It seemed at times he could read my mind and he was always trying to brainwash me. I've been through some addictive relationships, but i've never encountered anything like him. i feel like what little identity I had, he erased. Honestly I think he's dangerous, the way he manipulates is so methodical and calculated, almost like he's possessed by something that gives him insight that he otherwise wouldn't have. We also have more "strange coincidences" than i've ever had with anyone else, it's almost as if something beyond either of us is operating.

i am now trying to find a connection between what my father did and these issues I have now. When i find that connection, then what? What does it all mean? Will it help me recover and how?

thanks Faith, I've only seen 1 therapist, off and on since I was 13. I never could afford to see him regularly, long term. He also counseled my sister and told me he didn't think he could help her. He also did couples counseling with my parents a few years ago. He's a psycologist and a minister and I like him but I didn't take much away from the counseling. I'm honestly not sure if he's qualified to treat someone with the kind of issues I have, maybe i'm wrong. I'm now in a position financially to pay for regular therapy, but because of my job, it would have to be done primarily by cell phone. (Im a long haul otr commercial driver).

My family has always minimized the abuse, so I guess I do the same thing. I hear of kids who were forced into intercourse when they were 10, others who were beaten so badly they had broken bones. In light of that, it seems the abuse I grew up with wasn't that bad, but obviously it was bad enough to do some damage to my sister and I.

My next step will be to find a qualified therapist that can counsel me via telephone, as I feel at this point I need some very intense therapy, weekly sessions, for several months at least. Self-help books and websites have gotten me by thus far, but I need something more. I will look for a copy of the book you recommended. Thanks again.

yea me too. and how it has affected me like most incest survivors give sex for love. I only remember one occurence but I have developed a way to block out when the pain is too much to handle. I think its called disassociation. Now everytime I have sex in one form or another I look at it as love. How messed up is that.

At approximatly 6 years old or even less i saw my aunty and uncle having sex, as i couldnt sleep. They invited me to come closer, i remember his sperm flashing everywhere. Dont know what happened next. Same uncle used to molest me when i was 11. And i had sex fantasies with him dont remember when it started as well. My other uncle use to cach us my sister and cousin , we used to run from him.. When he caught me he took my panties off just to look at the bunnie he called. I hated both off them. My mum had loads off doffrernt man while with my dad, stepdad. Saw her 2 while she had sex. One time i even tryed to stop her, .. Gave up. Its all through them parties. When ibwas 18 ibwas raped. My best friend left me and begging her did not helped.. Then i had awfull self guilt and felt dirty. Since been reading inner child book all memories flashback. I had few one night stands and was naughty teanager. When i was in relationships never cheated physically. Current bf have control over me by sex. All my life its muddled to it. Hell knows how i will start to figured out and move on.

Also i feel abandond since my childhood. I dont remember relationship with my dad ... I have that feeling that i waching through the window and waiting for my mum to come. I cought myself today, end up crying and saying where are you mum? When i need you the most. I did not talked with her few months, i have nothing to say. Am in foreigh country on my one with 2 kids. I chose that they say.. I guess i was running from them for better life. But i was running from myself. And i cannot run from me i need to let me inside and start healing.

You are not alone. I used to see my therapist in the morning which was a "safe" time for me to take the bus. One day he changed the appointment to after dark. By the time I got there I was hysterical and he had to drive me home.

It is progress not perfection with PTSD. I am afraid of strangers. I am afraid of the dark. Everything startles me including someone coughing. I am terrified of getting lost and check out places during the day when I have to speak at night. My husband tells me I have nightmares every night. Home invasions. Rape. Abandonment. Disfigured babies. Lost babies. I hate my PTSD. It is such a handicap, but there is no real cure, just relief now and then. I pray that the PTSD, which is like going back in time, will turn into the simple memories that others have. As I said, you are not alone.

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I also am a victim (now survivor) of incest, through the machinations of my mother, who defiled my innocence in a very covert, underhanded way for the purposes of living vicariously through my sexuality. It led me to many, many years of love addiction and the accompanying anguish that goes along with being an addict. But -- via intense psychodynamic therapy, knowing I am not alone (via forums such as this) and a strong faith, I am finding my way towards a healthier life.

Yes, there is hope and healing and even "thriving" -- and I am happy to hear that you are thriving!

HaveFaith

Hi everyone...

I have been away for a while and now I am back and ready to tell my story. I think by sharing everything honestly here, I will be able to accept the truth of my life and move on a little bit after this disclosure. And also I hope my post will help others. 

Me right now: 25, have a debilitating depression, first time in my life. I guess the abuse issue, and so many changes and stresses of the last year caught up with me. I just lost my job last week, they dismissed me due to "my lack of focus" (they did so in a sneaky way - hired a new team member, made me train her, and fired me). Depression made everything feel overwhelming and fogged my mind, killed my motivation and made everyday tasks feel horribly difficult. I cried at random points of my day. 

So I am living alone in a foreign country, without speaking the local language (my job was for an international company, hence in English) The country is in the Middle East and it's quite sexist. It is hard to adapt to the local culture. Just lost my job. Have depression. But on the good note- I went to a psychiatrist as soon as I realised I have depression and got prescribed mild antidepressants, which I am taking and they are definitely helping. I also found a good therapist and I am going twice a week to see her (I asked my family to help me pay for private therapy). I also have good friends here and in the previous country, who I call quite often. 

My story- I grew up in a small town in Russia, the only girl and three brothers. My father was an alcoholic for many years and has damaged personality. He is sometimes charming kind, and funny, and sometimes goes into rages and physically threatening. He abused me sexually from the early ages (I don't know exactly from what ages it started). It lasted up until my early twenties because I was terrified to say no to him.

I left home when I was 18 to go to study abroad (financially supported by my parents). I spent 5 years in that country and first 3-4 years I was horribly lonely and couldn't connect to people or find real friends. I was sexually promiscuous and sleep with men just to escape my loneliness, and to feel sstuffs of affection, and I think it was also a coping mechanism during all the abuse years. While I was out of reach in another country, my dad used to send me horrible messages via text. Sometimes he would be normal and loving dad, and sometimes he would be horrible and insinuating and threatening me. I am sick just writing about it. I feel great pain and sorrow over his behaviour and damage it has done to me. When I used to visit hometown in the summer, he would still try and abuse me but I would walk off. He would punish me with silent treatment which lasted months. 

My mom I saw always as a weak character in the house, she was always accommodating to dad's behaviours. She never stoop up to him or protected me. He would tell her to leave the room and sit and talk to me (in reality bully me) and she would stay in the other room until he called her in again. I didn't feel like I could go to my mom for any help for the abuse. I just survived and faked being happy as a child and pushed on, and had great grades, and kept all the pain to myself. 

In the last year abroad I realised that abuse affected my life and went to counselling. I tried to learn and read as much as possible about abuse and its effects on me. I went to a support group as well and shared my story with other young women (we became friends and share even now). I called and told my mom about the abuse. She said: "Don't you see, I am a victim also. Yes, your father is a bad man, just move on now." 

Then my student visa ran out in this country and it was not possible to get a work visa, and I had to leave all my friends, contacts, my life of 5 years, and move back home. It was difficult. Then I went to visit my brother who lives in the Middle Eastern country and I stayed with him and decided to stay here. However because of the language barrier and culture differences, it was tough to start my career here. I changed 4 jobs in a year, and finally in my last job thought they are happy with me, and I was generally happy in that job. Then in the spring the depression hit my life. I never had depression before so it creeped on me and I didn't notice how I became overwhelmed even with the simplest tasks. I stopped cleaning and cooking. I did everything on autopilot. And great sadness and pain entered my mood few times a day, I cried at work a few times. 

Then my mom visited me and saw my condition and tool me to a psychiatrist, he prescribed me antidepressants and I told about the abuse to him. I told him I would like to find a woman therapist and he referred me to a great English speaking therapist. I am working with her now. I confronted my mom again about the abuse because I feel agree towards her. I feel like she has failed me. She should have protected me. I am talking about the abuse in my therapy a lot and crying a lot. 

So I lost my job after 6 months and have to start all over again. I don't know if I have the mental capacity and energy to start another full time job right away. And I don't know if I want to stay in this country (I feel like not). 

So this is a very difficult time for me. I feel suicidal at times, but I promised to tell my therapist about it. 

I wrote everything like it is. Please let me know if you have any words of support or perspective about my situation. I would really appreciate it, best, Peaches. xoxo

I was horrifically ignored, devalued and shunned. 

But he used to look at me in a sexual way that was horrible and even now I hate being around him.

Now, the whole thing is gaining male attention. Being looked at. 
I do gain this, often, but it's a weird thing. It makes me used to being with men who only want to see the outsides
or use the body.

My friends love me for my personality and insides. But I've NEVER been in a dating/love relationship that was that way.

Even now, he is 10 years younger, we have nothing in common, he is only into the way I look...and the attention he gets from others, especially men when I'm with him. He absolutely objectifies me. And to me this feels like love.

I'm also into the arts, used to being on stage...so I often feel like that in life....on stage...being looked at...
It's very different than a real heart to heart/soul to soul connection. 

My dad feels like a perv. And he IS a porn addict. He has NO love for me. He does not bond, never did.
He did have huge amounts of rage towards me and I used to feel he wanted to murder me. 

I dated and married men who abused me and hated me. Who had lust, hatred, and wanted to use me in some way. 

I'm gaining awareness, however. 

And I believe soon, I'll be more healed.