Harmony
Junior Member
"Its never too late to become the person you were meant to be"
Posts: 62
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Post by Harmony on Sept 17, 2012 14:27:22 GMT -8
Thanks Jacarandagirl, i think the harder thing for me is have some sort of a relationship with my parents. The very people i learned to be pleasing and loving with, as a way to avoid abandonment. I notice they are so self centered and i feel lonely when i'm with them as i keep recovering in SLAA. It isn't overtly abusive like when i was a child, but more of an invisibility i feel around them. They cannot see me really, it's all about the surface. I try to see them very little, but feel guilty and like i should overlook their treatment of me since they are blind to it. As an only child, it's hard to walk away completely, i end up feeling like an orphan! Which then kicks in my LA and i start to slip. Yes, i did join this board in 2008 when i first learned I'm an addict and needed to get away from my poa. I then joined SLAA and mostly use meeting an sponsorship. Lately I feel i need more support. it's good to be here, thanks for the reply  |
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Harmony
Junior Member
"Its never too late to become the person you were meant to be"
Posts: 62
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Post by Harmony on Sept 17, 2012 8:21:57 GMT -8
Any input on this would be great, thanks! Here it is: I have been in therapy for most of my life, and 12 step recovery for 18 yrs. I joined SLAA about a 1.5 yrs ago to deal with my deepest layer which is Love addiction. Whats making me crazy is, i keep seeing the terrible abuse I've suffered as a child and allowed as an adult, by choosing men who are self centered, addicted and mean. At each layer of recovery, i start to feel compassion for them all, as i know it is not personal to me, but their own wounding. Here's the catch...As a result of forgiveness, i start to let down my guard and be in relationship with them in some way. i dont want to entirely cut off my father, ex-husband ( we share child custody) and even my POA. Then i see their crummy behavior and get angry all over again! I seem to cycle from anger to compassion. Round and round i go! This is getting old! Read more: loveaddictionforum.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=childabuse&thread=12817&page=1#ixzz26kCjVl1S |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Sept 17, 2012 14:03:39 GMT -8
Yes, it is old. It's classic codependency. I used to do the same thing with my PoA. He was a drug addict with a lot of really avoidant behaviour. The main one being regular drug use. I would ping pong around between being really angry off and angry about it, and giving him the silent treatment, trying to guilt trip him, sulking, getting depressed when nothing worked and he didn't change, feeling worthless because he didn't change, and then I would look at what I was thinking, which was in itself a good thing, but not in this case because of what I did after that.
I would question my thoughts and see how I was creating my own suffering by what I was expecting from him, and I knew I had to give it to myself. The problem with this was I unwittingly used it to create closeness with my PoA all over again, and I would forgive him for ignoring me and my needs, and feel close to him. Then he would feel loved by me, and decide to stop using drugs, and then he would give up, and then I would be so happy, and then he would start using again three weeks later, and guess what? It got really old too!
My aim was to love unconditionally, and he loved that I had this aim! He loved me looking at all my thoughts. But all he wanted was to be able to stay as he was, and for me to stop hassling him.
I found out that the point to loving unconditionally is not to STAY with someone. Yes, I could love him unconditionally, that's still a worthy and laudable goal. But it doesn't mean I have to stay in a relationship with him. To stay was crazy. Looking for him to change so that I can be happy is the long road to happiness. And he was utterly committed to his addiction, as addiction demands. As I was.
So the short version is, if it causes you pain, it's probably not healthy.
I still, after nearly two years, have the feeling inside that to contact him would give me something wonderful. I read somewhere that a codependent is attracted by someone who walks away from them. I have an image of his back turned and him walking away from me, exactly so. I know not to contact him. I am learning to respect this addiction in me.
So you joined in 2008?
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Harmony
Junior Member
"Its never too late to become the person you were meant to be"
Posts: 62
|
Post by Harmony on Sept 17, 2012 14:27:22 GMT -8
Thanks Jacarandagirl, i think the harder thing for me is have some sort of a relationship with my parents. The very people i learned to be pleasing and loving with, as a way to avoid abandonment. I notice they are so self centered and i feel lonely when i'm with them as i keep recovering in SLAA. It isn't overtly abusive like when i was a child, but more of an invisibility i feel around them. They cannot see me really, it's all about the surface. I try to see them very little, but feel guilty and like i should overlook their treatment of me since they are blind to it. As an only child, it's hard to walk away completely, i end up feeling like an orphan! Which then kicks in my LA and i start to slip. Yes, i did join this board in 2008 when i first learned I'm an addict and needed to get away from my poa. I then joined SLAA and mostly use meeting an sponsorship. Lately I feel i need more support. it's good to be here, thanks for the reply |
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Harmony
Junior Member
"Its never too late to become the person you were meant to be"
Posts: 62
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Post by Harmony on Sept 17, 2012 15:56:01 GMT -8
One more important piece of all this, is that i am divorced and share 50/50 custody of my 2 children with my ex-husband. As a result of my limited time spent with my parents (thanks to recovery boundries), my ex has swooped in to take over the role of making sure the grandparents see our kids (16&13). He calls my parents with updates etc. Even has an agreed upon thing with my Mom, where he sends her their report cards...UGH!
My parents have bent over backwards to make sure he doesnt feel the'yve taken sides in the divorce. Even though they know he was abusive and unkind to me in the marriage. Our divorce was a result of me holding the line on not tolerating his abuse & he left. I am glad he did, but it has really stirred the pot in my family of origin, showing me more of their selfishness.
I still feel guilty and that I am a bad daughter for my position, yet i cannot stomach the betrayal i feel.
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Post by eclipsemoon on Oct 4, 2012 7:51:39 GMT -8
Thank you so much for sharing, Jacarandagirl. I recognize my own behavior in so much of what you said. I'm struggling with letting go of POA... I cycle between feeling so bad for him and his pain, wanting to help him, to anger and hatred because he doesn't give me what my addiction is telling me I "need". It's a hard cycle to break out of... His pity stories really pull me in, then I feel worthless because I still don't mean anything to him after giving him everything I can financially, then I'm back to anger and hating myself, then I try again with him. He's very broken and its easy to excuse his mistreatment of me because of that, and because I've done that my entire life with my parents...
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Oct 4, 2012 13:25:22 GMT -8
Isn't it a perfect set up for suffering eclipse?!? I can't believe it took me about three years to accept what was happening with my PoA. I spent all of that time in that cycle. It's true what they say about this disease being progressive. I was really getting very, very sick. I just couldn't give him up until one day the curtain lifted and I saw that I would never get this one particular creative project finished that really meant a lot to me, if I stayed. It was impossible. I had put a lot of work into it and some very wonderful people involved were waiting for the result. And in that moment I knew it meant I couldn't become the person I wanted to be if I stayed living there. So I left.
Three words, so simply written, like a maths equation, 2 plus 2, "so I left"- and it was like tearing out my lungs.
I moved out and then three months later ended the relationship, or really I outgrew it. I went away for 2 weeks and came back a different person, my PoA was still the same as before. Cycling around from stoned to stoned. Really it was more like I couldn't pretend I was into being with him, rather than it being hard to leave him by that stage. The internal gymnastics were too difficult for me, to twist myself into this stranger who accepted high level drug use. It's nearly two years later now, and I think I've just started living the life I wanted to have.
So eclipse, if you are like me, when you have had enough of missing out on who you really want to be, you will be propelled out of your painful relationship. Leaving feels really weird and like you must be doing the wrong thing, but it's only the addiction talking in your mind. It was the beginning of taking responsibility for me.
How are you going Harmony?
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