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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 18, 2011 5:16:21 GMT -8
I have the feelings of Fear in a few of my relationships...Everytime I see a call come in from them or think of talking with them, even though I like them I am feeling fear.
And I read this passage today and it really rings true for me. ( there are some things I am avoiding saying)
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
. . . we have some unfinished business between us.
When we respond to the small signals that something is amiss, we prevent bigger problems. When we feel fear in our relationship, it signals that we have some unfinished business between us. When we ask the questions we have been avoiding, we create new possibilities for resolution. Our fear is a signal that something does not feel safe. If we tell ourselves that our fear is illogical and discount it, or if we overreact by totally pulling out of the situation, we miss opportunities to change it.
What a relief we feel as we make sense out of our fear and begin to talk with each other. We let go of secrets between us and work toward mutual understanding. As we communicate, the knot in our stomach loosens and light reappears in our relationship.
Name the signals your body gives you to indicate that something in your relationship needs attention.
From The More we find in eachother by Merle and Mavis Fossum
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Post by tizzy on May 19, 2011 9:36:41 GMT -8
["Name the signals your body gives you to indicate that something in your relationship needs attention."]
I felt fear in my last two relationships. In the first one where I was engaged, even though we were supposed to marry I was terrified of actually going through with it. I didn't want to be tied to that man for the rest of my life. Yet I was scared of losing him and not being with him. I learned that my fear was due to my love addiction. He was not a good match for me at all. And I knew in the pit of my stomach that things would never work out. Though our relationship had a horrible ending, I'm glad I listened to my gut and didn't go through with the wedding as quickly as we had originally planned.
With the second guy, I also had a fear of not being with him. He "saved" me from having to take care of myself. I used him as a means of security. But in my gut I always felt something wasn't quite right, I just couldn't put my finger on it. Turns out he was extremely emotionally unavailable. Took me 2.5 years to learn that and put a name on it, but as soon as I realized it I got the courage to leave him.
For me fear has been an impetus to either change my situation or to hold off on a rush decision or action. As I go through my recovery I'm learning the importance of listening to my gut and to that voice that says something's amiss. And if I feel any degree of fear I know something is definitely wrong and I need not proceed at the moment. Fear can be a powerful tool for analysis and change if we use it the right way.
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Post by dorkestbeforedawn on May 19, 2011 9:56:32 GMT -8
I totally get this message. When I hooked up with my PoA, I had a strong fear that she would turn out to be emotionally available. I thought that it was an act of courage to pursue her 100% anyway, but it was foolishness. Not surprisingly (in hindsight), she was an emotional wasteland.
I can act in the presence of fear, but in the future, I will try to at least have my eyes open.
Thanks for this, Tizzy!
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on May 20, 2011 4:15:39 GMT -8
Thanks Tizzy, {And if I feel any degree of fear I know something is definitely wrong and I need not proceed at the moment. Fear can be a powerful tool for analysis and change if we use it the right way. }
I gave this some thought. And I think Ive been stuck on that Phrase "Feel the Fear and do it anyways".For me it's been..go go go..push push push...
I realize that in most cases, it's a call to Stop. And Listen.
Listen and check in with myself. Ask myself some good questions. How do I feel? What's really going on here?
Then act or ot act after a healthy pause. I think this feeling of having to 'fix right away' is part of my Co dependancy and addiction.
I shared that I was thinking about this passage last night in my SLAA meeting and a guy had it on his phone and shared it with the group. It became a really good discussion.
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Post by tizzy on May 20, 2011 4:35:13 GMT -8
["Feel the Fear and do it anyways"]
Oh yeah, I was extremely guilty of this, in many aspects of my life not just relationships. Money, friendships, jobs/career, men. I'd feel something inside me saying "don't do it!" but I'd pull the trigger anyway then wonder "why me?" I guess it's because we never learned how to properly interpret that fear as a big huge red flag saying "DO NOT PROCEED". Instead we saw it as a challenge, and we let our emotions take the lead in living our lives.
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