Post by nickie on Apr 5, 2009 15:11:30 GMT -8
EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization reprocessing and is used as a treatment for post trauma stress. earlier this year when i had several of these sessions the therapist was surprised that the pain instrument or memory i focused on was my mare, profound joy experienced with a young thoroughbred i trained in my youth. she was the sole "successful" love object experience i have had. she died a terrible death without me and yet the tragic last sight of her was not as powerful an image/memory to use for emdr sessions as the quiet joy we spent together. joy can lead me to hysteria. rapid eye movement exercises are meant to force the brain to reintegrate the circuitry of past memory into new current information pathways.
i'm not a professional but i have to conclude that in my psyche joy is more traumatizing then violence. this makes me very tired and is not a new concept or one that i concentrate on. i started this thread because i cried only a few minutes ago. this rarely if ever happens and i want to respect, identify and take responsibility for the feeling. i cried because i saw what profound happiness could look like.
i am not to humble to admit the prompt was a scene in a television program called 'saving grace' where a very handsome man tells the star of the show he loves her. it was tastefully done but rather graphic. at first i instantly felt soo tired i couldn't hold my head up and then i began to cry. i did what i only know how to do as a coping skill from the xpoa married man addiction which is to lay down on the heated tile floor in the hall since for some reason that comforts me by being the closest facsimile i have to the feeling of being held.
it is sad that i don't know what it feels like to have the experience of a man look at me and tell me they love me. to see how that looks and receive it. i remember distinctly the first time i heard the sentence 'i love you' was when i was seventeen by a girlfriend of mine at college. we were just friends and we were high and it shocked me to notice i had actually lived my entire life up to that point without ever hearing that sentence from anyone, family or otherwise. many years passed and i did hear it from my xhusband in the ten years we were happy but he is aspergers and the words weren't that frequent. whatever it is just that it didn't seem as real as the tv program and i don't retain/recall the words due to the nine years of fallout from divorce in a foreign country.
soo, i am writing this thread on the topic of emotion as a way to take ownership of the feeling that i do aspire to heal my emotional anorexia. the thought occurs to me that i can't manifest anything i don't know i want. if i don't take responsibility to notice feeling sad that i've had soo little love in my life, i can't know or take responsibility for wanting more love out of life. crying is a good thing if one is normally disassociated. it is a healthy good step in the direction of my laa recovery to notice the feeling that i desire the experience of love. that i am lovable and that i am available, or becoming available through this 12step like program here. it's a solitary struggle to individuate.
i also watched a documentary on artificial intelligence about a project in Lausanne called 'blue brain' where scientists are creating a virtual brain by mathematically simulating every neuron response in a rodent's brain. the central question being what makes our intelligence human.
soo there you have it from the primitive private naive corners of my inner feral child to the outer reaches of avant guard well funded scientific 'progress' where we expect within the next decade to have 3d understanding of every single branch in the human brain.
it is hard to avoid being discouraged and overwhelmed by the daunting task of re-learning the mechanics of how to love and be loving... building a concept of what healthy interelational love might look like and believe that i will somehow one day be capable of experiencing it in real life with an available man. since i can't soo much as integrate flirting as a feminist, it seems like rocket science to believe i will one day manifest love. maybe learning how to cry is part of the first stage. for now, i'm just going to throw the whole mess at my higher power and ask for it to be lifted since it feels more like a burden i can't bear.
calculated disassociated over functioning is unhealthy. crying is healthy. soo in my mixed up world, tonight's emotional response to a silly tv show IS progress.
progress not perfection, right?
i'm not a professional but i have to conclude that in my psyche joy is more traumatizing then violence. this makes me very tired and is not a new concept or one that i concentrate on. i started this thread because i cried only a few minutes ago. this rarely if ever happens and i want to respect, identify and take responsibility for the feeling. i cried because i saw what profound happiness could look like.
i am not to humble to admit the prompt was a scene in a television program called 'saving grace' where a very handsome man tells the star of the show he loves her. it was tastefully done but rather graphic. at first i instantly felt soo tired i couldn't hold my head up and then i began to cry. i did what i only know how to do as a coping skill from the xpoa married man addiction which is to lay down on the heated tile floor in the hall since for some reason that comforts me by being the closest facsimile i have to the feeling of being held.
it is sad that i don't know what it feels like to have the experience of a man look at me and tell me they love me. to see how that looks and receive it. i remember distinctly the first time i heard the sentence 'i love you' was when i was seventeen by a girlfriend of mine at college. we were just friends and we were high and it shocked me to notice i had actually lived my entire life up to that point without ever hearing that sentence from anyone, family or otherwise. many years passed and i did hear it from my xhusband in the ten years we were happy but he is aspergers and the words weren't that frequent. whatever it is just that it didn't seem as real as the tv program and i don't retain/recall the words due to the nine years of fallout from divorce in a foreign country.
soo, i am writing this thread on the topic of emotion as a way to take ownership of the feeling that i do aspire to heal my emotional anorexia. the thought occurs to me that i can't manifest anything i don't know i want. if i don't take responsibility to notice feeling sad that i've had soo little love in my life, i can't know or take responsibility for wanting more love out of life. crying is a good thing if one is normally disassociated. it is a healthy good step in the direction of my laa recovery to notice the feeling that i desire the experience of love. that i am lovable and that i am available, or becoming available through this 12step like program here. it's a solitary struggle to individuate.
i also watched a documentary on artificial intelligence about a project in Lausanne called 'blue brain' where scientists are creating a virtual brain by mathematically simulating every neuron response in a rodent's brain. the central question being what makes our intelligence human.
soo there you have it from the primitive private naive corners of my inner feral child to the outer reaches of avant guard well funded scientific 'progress' where we expect within the next decade to have 3d understanding of every single branch in the human brain.
it is hard to avoid being discouraged and overwhelmed by the daunting task of re-learning the mechanics of how to love and be loving... building a concept of what healthy interelational love might look like and believe that i will somehow one day be capable of experiencing it in real life with an available man. since i can't soo much as integrate flirting as a feminist, it seems like rocket science to believe i will one day manifest love. maybe learning how to cry is part of the first stage. for now, i'm just going to throw the whole mess at my higher power and ask for it to be lifted since it feels more like a burden i can't bear.
calculated disassociated over functioning is unhealthy. crying is healthy. soo in my mixed up world, tonight's emotional response to a silly tv show IS progress.
progress not perfection, right?
