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Post by maryrod on Jan 21, 2012 11:16:57 GMT -8
Hi all, I am new, just signed up today. I posted some of my story on the Newcomer section but need some help with my obsessing! I am obsessing over my POA! Not sure what POA stands for, but after reading some stories, I think it's the person you are addicted to. I've been addicted to a man that is a narcissist! Everything evolves around him and I'm pretty sure he's been seeing several other women the whole time he's been seeing me. 3 years! I keep looking at my phone to see if he's called me. Of course he hasn't, It's the weekend and I rarely see him on the weekends! He's probably with one of his other chicks! He neglects me and doesn't do anything for me. I went off the deep end last weekend and drove 45 miles to his house at 2:00 in the morning to slash his tires! That is so not me!! I just wanted to hurt him the way he has hurt me! I felt so guilty I confessed to him. He wasn't even mad at me! What is that all about? I mailed him a check so he can buy another tire! To make it worst, I still want to see him! I'm obsessed! He's not even good to me. I need to stop! I break up with him 3 times a week and text him craziness constantly! I even leave him msgs throughout the nite calling him names and accusing him of being in bed with another woman! HELP!!! Where do I begin to recover? What does NC stand for? Can anyone offer me some advise and help?  ? |
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Post by addicted on Jan 21, 2012 13:33:34 GMT -8
Obsession is part of the whole package. Everything you are sharing about is part of our love addiction. NC is no contact -the only way to heal. Please do some reading on here and you will see how we all share the same basic characteristics. You are not alone.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 21, 2012 14:11:59 GMT -8
Thank you addicted! I started to feel like I was insane until I saw a Therapist last month. She is the one that told me about this site and that I was a Love Addict. I knew there was something wrong with me, but didn't know what. I've been reading the book codependent no more and having a lot of Ah ha moments. I've been trying to break it off with my POA for pretty much the entire time I've been seeing him and haven't been able to. I get sucked right back into helping him and being there for him.....etc....I am so thankful for this site! I did something crazy last weekend and NEVER want to do that again!
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dkny
Full Member
Posts: 173
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Post by dkny on Jan 21, 2012 16:03:50 GMT -8
i've been pretty good these last few days w/ my obsessing. I admitted to my POA that I was in his email and saw that he emailed some girl he met online. He was pretty upset at first, but didn't even bother to chg his password. Since then, I've been really trying to stop. Today is hard though. I did good last night and didn't ask him to come over. I just acted like I didn't care what he was doing. Today I asked what he was doing tonight and I could tell by his response that he had plans. It freaked me out, but I managed to stay calm and just told him to have fun. Then I took a Xanax to calm myself down. I am trying to just not care. I keep telling myself that we are not in a relationship and that is the best thing for me. He is free to do what he wants and I cannot care. He said he compares everyone he meets to me, even strangers. I'm not sure how he was trying to manipulate me by saying this, but I'm sure that's what he was doing. So I simply responded and told him that he should not compare and that he needs to be open to new girls and new opportunities. But honestly it's killing me that I know he's going to meet a "girl" friend of his (which doesn't bother me), and her friends (this is what bothers me). I am so afraid he's going to meet one of her friends and replace me with her.  sigh.... But at the same time I keep telling myself it's ok if he meets someone else. It's what is supposed to happen since we are NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. I feel ok right now though. Hopefully this feeling will last through the night. |
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 21, 2012 17:46:13 GMT -8
welcome maryrod, thank you for sharing your story. I can tell you from my experience narcissists and codependent are a toxic combination. google narcissistic supply also for some more insight. And if you have any 12 steps meetings in your area those will help you also, you need a support system when your new in recovery. If you can stay nc (no contact) with your poa (person of addiction). and focus on yourself, it does get easier, it is not going to happen overnight, it is baby steps. it has taken me almost 7 months to finally no care if I hear from my poa or not. And it feel so much better, but i have been thru a mental obsession, back and forth, and I just could not keep doing this too myself. no man or woman is worth having a nervous breakdown over. so keep posting and sharing here, you will find alot of knowledge and support. read as much as you can about love addiction, write out your feelings, find some local meetings al-anon, laa, co-dependent, slaa, in your area. and keep the focus on you. Keep coming back, you are worth it. we are all glad your here.
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Post by happyberry on Jan 21, 2012 19:49:58 GMT -8
welcome. you're in the right place.
NC means no contact and it's a very powerful tool. It's the first way to break your addiction. You may then experience pain, what we call withdrawal because this is very much like withdrawing from a drug.
If you can break though to the other side you will, as they say, know a new freedom and a new happiness.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 21, 2012 19:50:07 GMT -8
Thanks Carolyn! I've lost nearly 20 lbs in the last couple of months. Just not interested in eating. I need to join a gym as my butt and arms are looking like an 80 year old person! It's so hard...but I know I can do this with the support system. I haven't been able to do it on my own before I knew that I was a Love Addict. Thank you!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 21, 2012 19:54:06 GMT -8
Thank you Happyberry! I've tried to have NC for nearly the entire 3 years but couldn't do it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Now I know. With this support system and my own intellectual knowledge that he is a narcissist. I am well on my way! Thank you and I will be posting often for help and guidance! Much thanks!
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Post by happyberry on Jan 21, 2012 20:28:54 GMT -8
doing something even if you don't want to do it/it goes against your values system/is bad for you is part and parcel of addiction. Otherwise you could stop yourself, right?
Getting help from the group is what helped me to do it. It's why things like AA, Weight Watchers, etc. work. Power of the group!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 22, 2012 7:55:57 GMT -8
The worse thing for me is when my POA doesn't contact me. That's when the anxiety kicks in overdrive and my obsessing is uncontrollable! I know I want out of the relationship as it is very unhealthy for me. I use to cry constantly, I don't cry as much anymore. But, I still look at phone 100 times a day to see if he's called. Somehow his calling me validates me. Makes me feel that he really does love me! My Therapist told me that love is action, not words. All my POA ever gave me was words. He never showed me his love except in bed. How do I stop wanting him to contact me even though I don't want the relationship???
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 22, 2012 9:53:25 GMT -8
acceptance, we just have to learn to let go of control, and we have to try and get humble. I do the same things myself. but im worth more that a ping from my poa. he has and never showed much action, it was only a few words now. so we just have to accept it. and we have to realize maybe these guys cant love. So say the serenity prayer
God/HP grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things i can not change. Courage to CHANGE the things that I can, And the WISDOM to know the difference.
Because the reality of it is, we have no control over people, places, and things.
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Post by sunnybird100 on Jan 22, 2012 10:13:06 GMT -8
Carolyn speaks the truth, these guys can't love. They don't even know where to start. My POA calls it a personality flaw. I call it sad . . . for him, for me, and for everyone else he touches. In fact his grown daughter has tried to kill herself at least twice. She is now in recovery, but she moved 3000 miles away.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 22, 2012 10:46:09 GMT -8
You're right. My POA is a narcissist. He truly only cares about his needs. His good friend of nearly 30 years told me that she doesn't think he can ever truly love any one! She has seen thru the years all the women come and go and how badly he treats them. I was no exception! You're not the cause of it, you can't change or cure it. Acceptance is a gift I need to give myself! Thanks, Carolyn and Sunnybird100!!! I'm so thankful for this forum!
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 22, 2012 11:52:00 GMT -8
maryrod: It is simply madness, the things we do when we are addicted to another person. Things we are driven to because of our POA, things we wouldn't even consider doing if we were emotionally and mentally healthy. Love that is not reciprocated is torture. Knowing your POA has other members of the opposite sex in their life. Wondering what they are doing or who they are with. The way a POA can make you feel so insignificant in their world even though you probably truly care about them more than the others (at least that's what we tell ourselves). Walking away is hard especially when you know deep down inside that it must be forever only because of the affect this person has on you. I'm still working on things. My main goal right now is to some how hit the off button to the 24/7 loop of thoughts, fears, doubts having to do with her..
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 22, 2012 12:01:56 GMT -8
maryrod wrote: The worse thing for me is when my POA doesn't contact me. That's when the anxiety kicks in overdrive and my obsessing is uncontrollable!
Oh my God! Exactly! That's how it is with me also. It is horrible, depressing, stressful and very unhealthy! Sometimes I wonder is she just playing me or stringing me along? Is she not calling or returning calls because she just doesn't want me in her life, or because she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea? All kinds of stuff creeps into the brain until circuits overload, it really is the brink of madness in my opinion.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 22, 2012 12:38:10 GMT -8
It's a lack of care regarding our feelings! They do what they want when they want and don't care how it effects us! My POA just called me! UGH! I have to be strong and stick with my decision of NC! He's not good for me. I'm tired of being insignificant and unimportant! I'm tired of not making his list of things to do today (today? who am I kidding the week or month)! It is madness but we can control it.....It will be hard, I'm already feeling anxiety and I was doing pretty good today! After all, it is the weekend and he RARELY sees or calls me on the weekend. I didn't expect to hear from him until tomorrow morning. He's so predictable. I know he's someone else and is probably seeing several other women. That's why I see him once a week at best! I'm so tired of being tired and NOT doing anything about it so that I can make the pain go away. I'm kidding myself.....the pain is only gone for hours at best and then the next neglect and un-returned call and or promised call that never comes or the date he doesn't make with me.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 22, 2012 12:49:52 GMT -8
Maxheadcase, For me, when he doesn't call me when he says especially on a Friday nite or Saturday nite I immediately think he's with another gal. I'll call him countless times and he won't return my call. Of course not, he's with another gal! If you like, read my post on the Newcomers section. After that, he still denies having any other relations with other women. I don't believe him, I distrust him and so, what's the point! Just torturing myself! Stay in this with my POA so I can be there for him, to help him, to be there for him..... No More! My test is coming if he continues to call me..... I MUST be strong and stay in NC!!!
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 6:26:49 GMT -8
Went to see my POA on Saturday. Things went cool. Went bowling and than went back to her place, watched movies, ate lasagne, played Yahtzee, stayed up until 3:00 am, just talking, nothing of any importance or about her and I. She has a**holes for neighbors who are up all night playing loud music and banging cupboards around, this happens throughout the week, my POA said. Anyway, there music was loud at 3:00am so I told her I'd go next door and talk to them, which I did and they turned their music off and didn't bang things around that night or morning. My POA seemed impressed, I don't know? In the morning we got up after only four hours of sleep. She cooked us all a great breakfast, I refastened a towel holder for her, had some more small talk, than I left feeling good inside. I shoveled my drive way when I got home and noticed she had called. I decided not to return her call. Why, I don't know? I figure she called just to say her neighbors were loud again or something negative or to tell me thanks ....I don't know. But the knife in the heart happened earlier in the night as we were leaving bowling. My passenger door to my truck sticks once in a while, especially for her. She had to roll down the window to open the door from the outside handle and I said "don't worry, you aren't the only one that happens to..." To which she replied "You better get that fixed, If you find a girlfriend that will never fly with her..." So entering a new week, first time I've seen her since Christmas Eve, probably be another month before/if I see her again. We can seem so close at times, she can be so kind, but I imagine this is just the way she is with every guy. I hate this so much. To end this friendship or not and deal with the pain of healing or continue through the anguish... Lord, please help me through this! |
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 23, 2012 6:43:18 GMT -8
maryrod, how are you doing today? I hope you did not get sucked back in by your poa?
Keep coming back. We are here for you.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 23, 2012 8:32:18 GMT -8
Carolyn, My POA called me only the one time yesterday and he did not leave a msg. I did not call him. He did not call me this morning like he usually does. I must say my anxiety has come back....I will be strong and maintain NC. After all, what's the point! Just suffer from his neglect and lack of care for me?? Not to mention the other women! Thanks, I'm sure I will be having more anxiety and panic attacks as he continues to not call me! That's been the cycle for so long....Thanks!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 23, 2012 8:33:28 GMT -8
Maxheadcase, You'll figure it out when you're ready! Be kind to yourself!
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 23, 2012 14:41:37 GMT -8
Thanks maryrod! Good luck with N/C!!!!!!!!!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 23, 2012 16:35:18 GMT -8
OMG....POA just called my work and personal phone! I must be strong....This is where I have failed in the past!!!!! UGH!!!!
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Post by addicted on Jan 23, 2012 17:11:37 GMT -8
How did it go Maryrod?
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Post by maryrod on Jan 23, 2012 20:07:39 GMT -8
Thank goodness he only called each phone once! He normally will call a half a dozen to a dozen times and that's when I start to feel guilty for not calling back. I did not respond and just keep reminding myself that I am not being rude, I am taking care of me and taking care of me means NC! I just keep reminding myself of the pain I suffered at his neglect and lack of care for me. I want to be healed! I can do this for myself. After all, contacting him means only moments of calm....I deserve more then that.  |
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 24, 2012 3:37:27 GMT -8
hey maryrod....for some reason, that when I read your posts I just think 'man when she gets it, like really really gets it, this guy will be dust.' It's so weird, it's like we have all gone into this trance after handing over our minds and essentially our lives - to someone who is equivalent to a chimp...but a mean spirited one. No self love or respect - at least not being told differently - that we are ok, and loveable and good and kind and that we deserve something so much better....like you said, you deserve more than that. NC is sure and swift, so we get to see better after our awakening.
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 24, 2012 4:12:09 GMT -8
Maryrod, you are doing the right thing to protect yourself. And it will pay off in the long run. I can say today, it really feels like a death to me, when i think of him. I did alot of leaning on my HP yesterday, and ask for forgiveness, for me & him. So it works just keep coming back, and keep writing and sharing, we have been thru hell, but we do not have to stay there, we have choices. And we can change our minds.
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Post by addicted on Jan 24, 2012 4:35:47 GMT -8
Way to go Maryrod!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 24, 2012 8:08:03 GMT -8
Thanks for your responses they mean a lot to me! POA is in full swing now. He's called me a half a dozen times this morning. I've ignored his calls, but must admit I did listen to his msgs. He wants me to call him cause he needs my help! What a surprise??? All I ever did was be there for him. Help him with his banking, bills, phone, cars etc.... There was no, "I miss you" "I love you" "Are you ok"? Nothing! More of the same "Be there for me" "Take care of me" "Do for me"!!! I'm so tired of being unimportant and insignificant!!! TIRED!!!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 24, 2012 8:19:28 GMT -8
Reading the threads and posting my thoughts and feelings is soooooo helpful! Reading everyones pain and suffering we endure at the hands of our POA's is really helping me to be strong! Why do we give them such power? Why can't we love ourselves more? I am so glad my therapist identified that I am a Love Addict! Now I know what I need to do to heal and get off this roller coaster ride! STOP being someone's caretaker and getting NOTHING back!! He's a narcissist and has been physically abusive to most of his women, including me. Me not as bad as the others, but none the less, physically abusive! He's shoved me (so hard that I was sore for over a week), he's given me bruises on my arms from holding them so tight cause he was mad, he's poured water on me and even threw food at me while we were at a restaurant having lunch. He's threatened to hit me, but thankfully never did. I hope to GOD he stops contacting me and gets one of his other women to help him like I did for so long. Being Strong!
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sigh....
