robgke
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by robgke on Jan 27, 2012 4:52:09 GMT -8
"because you discover what was driving it in the first place."
The above quote from leadbelly's post stands on it's own, thats what this is all about
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Post by havefaith on Jan 27, 2012 7:19:13 GMT -8
Maryrod -- I posted this on another thread, but I also want to post it here in support of LJ's wisdom:
One of the goals my SLAA group emphasizes is that we must take care of ourselves first before involving ourselves with others. Makes a whole lot of sense, and I didn't really embrace or understand the importance of that until I really understood what recovery really means, which for me, means seeking out truth.
In others words, if I don't face truth and retool myself, I will continue to view the world (and the actions of others) through the skewed, false lens of addiction -- and I stay hopelessly stuck in a swirling sea of addiction, obsession and poor choices/decisions.
I will NOT achieve a life of integrity and Dignity of Self if I do not face truth. Period. Amen.
HaveFaith
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Post by maxheadcase on Jan 27, 2012 7:25:00 GMT -8
Day four of N/C, thoughts of my POA still in my head but not overpowering me or depressing me. I know its early still and the weekend is coming. Lord/HP please get me through the weekend without any crippling, painful, obsessive thoughts.
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 27, 2012 7:39:35 GMT -8
Nice max - it's a funny thing we do isn't it?
I like that you're not being overpowered or depressed by thoughts of your PoO...i think I want to go for that oo.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 29, 2012 14:57:50 GMT -8
Hi all! Good things to say and maybe I did over-react to LovelyJune's post. Maybe, I'm not fully understanding the purpose of this message board. Maybe, as I wrote in another thread, my POA is NOT the only thing not working in my life. Maybe, I don't belong here right now. Maybe I should just read and re-read the 12 steps and set goals and prioritize those goals as to which are the most important to me right now. I'll just journal to myself and read the posts until I am in a different place. Thanks to all your support!
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Post by Loving My Life on Jan 29, 2012 15:14:40 GMT -8
maryrod, you can post whenever you want too, but we have to keep a open mind, and be able to take some suggestions. It is not easy, but believe me, no one is judging you, we have all been where you are. And if you can find a face to face meeting in your area, that would be so helpful to you. it is not advised to do the steps alone, you need someone to guide you through the process, and they are in order for a reason. I read your post about your mom and job, and your poa, but you cant fix everything all at once, it takes time. We work on ourselves first, and somehow everything else works itself out. Let us know how your doing, and good luck to you on your recovery journey. First things first.
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 29, 2012 15:24:10 GMT -8
Maryrod....thank gawd you came back...I was worried about that. 12 step or not, whichever drives you, posting here causes you to get things organized in such a way that you can get out what's in and then reflect on what you've written, and of course whatever gentle way you are being pointed in by others. It's like journaling with witnesses.
Glad you're back.
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dkny
Full Member
Posts: 173
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Post by dkny on Jan 29, 2012 15:37:26 GMT -8
Mary, I am exactly where you are now...it's so difficult, I know. I critisize myself all the time for knowing better but doing it anyway. I think you are right, everytime you do break NC, I think it does make you stronger. Someone said here in another post that it's babysteps. You know it's not good, and that you have no control over it. I think that's a great babystep.
NC is awfully hard for me as well as I've posted before. I keep trying though! I go up and I fall down, but I keep on trying. One day it will stick, as it will for you as well. Keep your head up!
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robgke
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by robgke on Jan 29, 2012 16:54:39 GMT -8
Maryrod. it's a process and it's going to be a painful one at times. This outlet is a powerful tool to aid in your recovery, don't underestimate that. But one of the reasons that it is such a powerful tool is the people that participate. Everyone here is at a different stage of there recovery. Meaning someone who has been there done that and understands what your going through, may also get frustrated with someone who hasn't had all of the ah haa moments that they themselves have experienced so a response may be a little harsh... BUT think about it, what may seem harsh could also be termed brutal honesty. Yeah the brutal part is harsh, but the honesty part, well thats the part that we all need to listen to. We can always learn more from someone that disagrees with us then someone that tells us what we want to hear. The purpose of this forum is not to make new friends and cry on each others shoulder, but rather as I see it to learn from one another. You mentioned keeping quiet and reading for a bit, I understand that and if you really feel thats all you can do thats good and will be a benefit. But I also think you will benefit more by participating. Doing so will be harder at times... and yeah just like in life out in the world when dealing with our poa or people in general we will experience forms of rejection at times. The key is to grow enough within ourselves to learn to recognize not all rejection is intended to hurt, but rather it's intended to be real, to be honest to simply say it like it is. And at that point if someone is right or wrong isnt as important as the fact that they are being honest so ask yourself if maybe life in general wouldnt be better if more people were honest on a day to day basis. Maybe it would help us in the long run to be honest with ourselves. I hope you stick around and I hope you participate. I also hope you learn, grow and recover... you never know, down the road you may find yourself being brutally honest helping someone yourself who is in much the same position your in now.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 29, 2012 19:06:31 GMT -8
Wow! Thank you for all of your messages! I do want to get better and know that I am not where I need to be. NC is the answer for me, but not sure if I am understanding the 12 steps and did not see any meetings in my area. I'm in Southern Cal. You'd think there would be a TON out here! Ha Ha! Maybe I'm missing something. I do have an issue with rejection and being in sales, guess what, rejection city! I need to figure things out and am still VERY appreciative of this forum and know that it will help me on my journey! Thanks to all!!!!  |
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Post by maryrod on Jan 29, 2012 19:15:50 GMT -8
I must say though, that the post that put me on the defensive did seem harsh to me no matter how many times I read it. I feel as though I am not supposed to be here and pouring my feelings out no matter how I have slipped. I did not look at it as a place to slip and confess. I looked at it as a safe place to vent. To vent my addiction taking over, my addiction in full force, my inability to move on and stay in NC. I never wanted what I posted to BOTHER someone else. Just need to be with others and get help! I do know that I need a plan....Not sure how to do that. I will talk to my Therapist on that, or, if someone can suggest a thread that I should be reading to help me with that, I would appreciate it. Thanks to everyone! I keep here cause I have much to learn!
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Post by herenow on Jan 29, 2012 19:25:52 GMT -8
maryrod
Our addiction progresses with time, left untreated. The consequences of our addiction left untreated are horrible. I for one can attest to that.
LJ has been there and has vast experience in recovery. She has made it out of the chaos and pain of addiction. She has a good life and relationship It doesn't matter if her response seems harsh to you, she is speaking the truth and trying to get you to wake up and work your program, not cause she thinks you should but because she cares and knows that yo-yo ing doesn't bring results. She has some of the best stuff. And I have to admit when old timers speak to me in no non-sense language I remember what they said and it helps me heal once I get over my defensiveness.
And don't worry if what you post bother's someone, that is not your concern. Your concern is you. You post what you need we all post what we need. You are not responsible for anyone's reaction, post and feelings. That is one of the issues that we as LAs have.
So hang in there and start figuring out your values, your bottom line behavior and some goals about how you want to be regarding your self esteem and self worth.
And keep posting.
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robgke
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by robgke on Jan 29, 2012 19:33:20 GMT -8
Diane17 makes some very good points.. beautiful post
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Post by margot on Jan 30, 2012 3:44:34 GMT -8
You guys are doing soooooo goooooood! I'm much better now too but oh how I wish I had had this LA site to help me way back when I was addicted to all those others...........many, many others. Such a pattern I've been stuck in........for so long. Thanking my HP that I no longer 'love' like that. I like what the therapist of someone here said, "love is shown by actions, not words". I like what others here have said also. Keep reading everybody, this place has been the start of saving my life.
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Post by maryrod on Jan 30, 2012 8:34:32 GMT -8
My addiction is crippling me! I'm in the place I am at because of my addiction! I'm sad, angry and often times in disbelief! How do I get out? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I love myself! If I thought more of myself, I would never have gotten involved with POA in the first place! My anxiety is high right now. My sadness is high. My sense of being out of control is high. Just getting up takes effort. More effort then anything I've ever done. NC = No more new Pain! Someone wrote that. I just keep repeating that over and over and over again. One day it will stick. I will take one day at a time and do something for me each day. Even if that one thing is being on this site and reading and posting. Thanks!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 30, 2012 8:46:11 GMT -8
Saw POA this weekend. Spent the night. It wasn't like it used to be. I wasn't really even happy to be with him. I found a gas receipt with the cashier's hand written phone number on the back. The date was 9/2711, day before my birthday. I questioned him and he made up some BS and I told him to think very hard about what he's saying. I know she's the cashier. He asked how I knew, I just told him I'm smart, that's how. He asked me not to call her repeatedly and couldn't/wouldn't say why not. Being in contact with him just means MORE NEW PAIN! As if the OLD PAIN isn't enough to bare!
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Post by bklynrn on Jan 30, 2012 13:54:53 GMT -8
Hi Maryrod....Good observation. So seeing your POA means...Contact=more new pain and continued old pain , No contact= healing the pain
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Post by maryrod on Jan 30, 2012 22:36:53 GMT -8
bklynrn, Yep! That is my mantra. NC=No New Pain!
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Post by maryrod on Jan 31, 2012 20:07:15 GMT -8
Today was a day of drama. Not about POA. About my mom. Not going into that because this is not the forum. But, I will say, POA voice mailed 2 songs to me last night and I did not respond. What's the point. Contact = More New Pain. So, I have not made contact. He is no good for me and I know that and have known it for our entire relationship. I made an appt with my Therapist, but not for 3 weeks. I will call her tomorrow to see if she can give me some meds for my anxiety. If it's not my POA, it's my mom. I need some relief! This forum is very good for venting and as someone posted, journaling with eyes! POA has not called today, I have been looking at my phone all day, but, somehow it's not the same. Maybe cause of the drama with my mom, maybe because of the new gal's phone number I found, I don't know. But, I am thankful for not having anxiety about POA right now. I am sure that will change when he doesn't contact me and I feel unimportant and insignificant again. I hope this feeling will last for a few days if not forever! Thankfully, Maryrod.
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Post by leadbelly on Jan 31, 2012 20:17:25 GMT -8
Maryrod....check out the thread "Venting vs Recovery" it really really sobered me up. Sorry about your drama's and pain....but hang tight here until you see your therapist for sure...
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Post by maryrod on Jan 31, 2012 21:59:21 GMT -8
Thanks leadbelly, I will! Not tonight, must sleep as I need to get up early tomorrow. My day off, but need to go to my moms dr to try and get some help for her.
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Post by maryrod on Feb 1, 2012 9:24:18 GMT -8
leadbelly, could not find the thread, can you direct me to where it is? Thanks!
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 1, 2012 9:30:22 GMT -8
go to the top where it says "Home" "New Topics" "Help" "Search" go under the "New Topics" if you still can't find I'll copy and paste
xo
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robgke
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by robgke on Feb 1, 2012 9:30:41 GMT -8
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Post by leadbelly on Feb 1, 2012 9:43:22 GMT -8
Bingo robgke!!! thanks
xo
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Post by maryrod on Feb 1, 2012 19:42:41 GMT -8
robgke, thank you for the thread! I read it and it was most helpful! I appreciate you doing that for me.
Leadbelly, thank you to you too for trying to point me in the right direction! I appreciate you too!
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robgke
Junior Member
Posts: 89
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Post by robgke on Feb 2, 2012 4:56:21 GMT -8
Your welcome, and don't forget to give yourself a pat on the back for reading that thread and learning from it. Everyone here knows how hard it can be to realize things about ourselves, but thats where healing starts. Stay on track, the more you learn the easier it'll get.
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Post by shantes2017 on Apr 30, 2017 4:43:41 GMT -8
doing something even if you don't want to do it/it goes against your values system/is bad for you is part and parcel of addiction. Otherwise you could stop yourself, right? Getting help from the group is what helped me to do it. It's why things like AA, Weight Watchers, etc. work. Power of the group! |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2017 17:28:00 GMT -8
doing something even if you don't want to do it/it goes against your values system/is bad for you is part and parcel of addiction. Otherwise you could stop yourself, right? Getting help from the group is what helped me to do it. It's why things like AA, Weight Watchers, etc. work. Power of the group! I Disagree with you. Yes we must not go against our values if they are healthy. But sometimes they can be both. I value generosity, but I don't confuse it with codependency. I tried everything to change until I discovered taking action and doing what I needed to do whether I felt like it or not. Yes the power of the group is powerful, but as my therapist told me (see The Art of Changing,the group may hold the flashlight, but chop the wood. |
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 30, 2017 17:29:14 GMT -8
doing something even if you don't want to do it/it goes against your values system/is bad for you is part and parcel of addiction. Otherwise you could stop yourself, right? Getting help from the group is what helped me to do it. It's why things like AA, Weight Watchers, etc. work. Power of the group! I disagree with you. Yes we must not go against our values if they are healthy. But sometimes they can be both. I value generosity, but I don't confuse it with codependency. I tried everything to change until I discovered taking action and doing what I needed to do whether I felt like it or not. Yes the power of the group is powerful, but as my therapist told me (see The Art of Changing,the group may hold the flashlight, but chop the wood. My inner child hard at work learning to do what she did not feel like doing in the beginning. Dad (the group) is helping her and God is helping him be a good dad. We need a lot to recover. A lot of resources. But in the end we have to take action one day at a time. |
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