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Post by konnor on Apr 15, 2012 10:52:00 GMT -8
I'm sorry, I need an outlet for my depression and suffering so this post is it.
This stretches beyond love addiction, mainly into health. I've been battling chronic health problems for 3 years now, no doctor has a clue and everything natural I've tried has failed. I have over 30 symptoms to deal with, the worst being depression and brain fog. Many are cosmetic. My tests come out 'normal'. My diet is so limited due to allergies. I'm fed up with it.
This only goes to lump more pressure of finding happiness with a partner.
As if that wasn't enough, me and my ex-girlfriend completely unknowingly picked up an STI, the HPV virus. No cure and there is no test. I had sex twice before meeting her, both protected about 3 years ago and she and I never had symptoms before getting together. We got tested and came out clear thinking we were fine, but there is no test for HPV. I didn't know about it until I picked it up. Your immune system can suppress it but I'll never know if it's cured.
How am I feeling at the moment? How the hell am I going to reverse such deep seated chronic health problems. Then how the hell is any partner going to accept me carrying an STI, even if it is the most benign, insignificant STI out there. It is always popping into my thoughts.
I carry too much baggage to ever be happy in a relationship. It literally reads like a laundry list of issues.
Sorry I'm just depressed and need to rant. If I could somehow feel better, I think all my problems would disappear. Just don't see how I can do that.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 15, 2012 11:06:06 GMT -8
Konnor,
Read Mary Enig's book on edible fats. She is a renown expert on the edible fat subject. She believes that a combination of coconat oil and palm oil(castor oil) can kill the AIDS virus. If that is the case then it may very well help you with your problem. Perhaps your immune system was so weak you could pick up anything anywhere. Her view on those two fats are that they possess hugh anti viral and anti bacteriorlogical properties. I cook curries and stir fries using virgin coconut oil all the time. I also eat natural butter. Again, natural butter contain similar protection properties, obviously not as strong as the coconut oil.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 15, 2012 13:51:06 GMT -8
Hi konnor, thanks for sharing. Try the work of Byron Katie if you think it could help. It's no magic bullet but I've gotten a lot of insight in the moment with it. It's our thinking that causes all the pain in our lives. Like luv says, many people with far worse problems and obstacles than you, live full, passionate, loving, meaningful lives. How can that be possible? State of mind. It has to be that.
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Post by konnor on Apr 15, 2012 14:02:59 GMT -8
Also, I have seen stories about severely disabled or handicapped people who have much worse problems than me, and even they are able to find love. We have to trust that God will be able to bring us the right person someday if that's what is meant for us. It's hopeful to read, but the reality is possibly quite different. I'm probably not having to think about it yet but boundry setting with depression is such an enigma to me. Do you share and run the risk of your partner taking on your problems? Or hide and feel like you need to pretend to be someone your not, which is equally traumatic. On some level it must be possible. I can't comment on your particular case but to think that I go through (single) life where it is purely my issue. I feel comfortable not sharing with friends and work colleagues and benefit as a result. No-one wants to be with someone that moans all the time. But of course when a partner comes on the scene it's not quite as simple as keeping the same mentality going. I tend to really crave that sympathy and will fish for it. The reality is I don't see it being easy to recover from addiction, without also recovering from depression. I'll PM you. |
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Post by lilila on Apr 15, 2012 17:33:25 GMT -8
Konnor, maybe it would be worth it to take some medication for depression for some (limited) time. I´ve always been against it, but lately things have been so overwhelming for me - I was losing weight, hair falling out, had very low energy and was depressed - that I let my doctor convince me to try his prescription.
And though I haven´t changed into some merry character, I do feel it has helped me to get over the anxiety, despair and obsessing. I´m also sleeping well for the first time in months. I don´t think I would´ve been able to stick to recovery if it weren´t for this medication.
Don´t get me wrong, there is no magic hapiness pill, but it does make things a little more bearable. I do get sad about not having someone to share my life with, but at least now I don´t think it is impossible to have a healthy relationship in the future.
I also notice that my dreams are more optimistic, which I guess is a good sign. As for my poa, I´m having all these feelings I never had before - like anger, the wish to never see him again, etc. Which I think are the feelings a healthy person with healthy boundaries and self esteem has.
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 16, 2012 2:27:50 GMT -8
Anti-depressants helped me from falling into complete and utter despair. I was stuck and I knew it. They lifted me out of a hole of grief and depression and allowed me to approach life with greater hope. As the veil of sadness and despair lifted, I was able to move forward, and face my issues with a healthier resolve.
An old, Native American fable -- "A grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt. He said 'I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.' The grandson asked him, 'Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?' The grandfather answered: 'The one I feed.' "
Anti-depressants helped me to feed the loving, compassionate one.
HaveFaith
HaveFaith
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 16, 2012 11:00:08 GMT -8
I have been taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication for PTSD since 1989. I wish it was a cure, but it keeps thought of suicide under control. I have lost my father, mother, brother, sister, partner and my daughter. All that stress is manageable with a combination of chemicals, self-esteem, serenity and, most of all, positive thinking. |
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Post by konnor on Apr 17, 2012 2:57:07 GMT -8
It's an option to ponder. Although with such a fragile body the thought of meds is pretty terrifying.
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Post by Herenow on Apr 17, 2012 3:07:07 GMT -8
Konnor
sorry for your pain.
I went on anti-depressants and they helped a lot, they helped me get a lot of psychological work done in therapy, helped me to sleep and eventually I could go off of them.
It is really no big deal, if you were diabetic you would take some form of insulin so as to balance the areas where you were out of balance.
That said another really good thing for depressant and chronic health issues is mindfulness meditation. Given that you are here as a LA you probably have some trauma issues that spur on your depression and other health issues, if you can't get to a trauma therapist (which I highly recommend) the mindfulness can help. There are a lot of websites you can go on and download amazing guided meditations and instructions if you can't get to a meditation group in person.
And read Peter Levine's work on trauma. In my work I see a lot of people with undiagnosed illnesses and many stem from some kind of PTSD.
Good luck and hang in there, it sounds like your plate is full.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 17, 2012 5:59:30 GMT -8
I've heard quite a few people report that after spending some period of time (could be years) doing self-enquiry (the work of Byron Katie) that they no longer needed their anti-depressents. Bottom line is there is no right or wrong way to go, only what seems right to you in the moment.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 18, 2012 16:02:17 GMT -8
It all depends on how much brain damage was done. See Primal Scream. If the brain cells are actually damaged (PTSD) relapse will always be a heart beat away.
Therapy should be repeated every few years, but after the discovery part, the venting is just a temporary fix
Some discovery can be dangerous. IMO
Let's move this to the therapy section and have a discussion about it.
I have been in and out of therapy for 45 years and my opinion of its benefit changes over the years and with the addiction of each new therapist and treatment style.
Never rely on one resource for full recovery. Leave no stone unturned.
What helped me the most . . . spirituality (my relationship with God).You mean "seems right" after discussion with your mentor. Our addiction sometimes gives us bad advice.
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 18, 2012 16:09:37 GMT -8
"I need to cry . . ."
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Post by Susan Peabody on Apr 18, 2012 16:14:05 GMT -8
Original topic, "just need to cry."
Clarissa Pinkola Estes . . . Tears are a river that take you somewhere. Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off the dry ground, carrying it down river to someplace new, someplace better. There are oceans of tears [men and] women have never cried, for they have been trained to carry mother’s and father’s secrets to the grave. Crying has been considered quite dangerous, for it loosens the locks and bolts on the secrets we bear. But in truth, for the sake of our wild soul, it is better to cry. For tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of [men and] women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud.
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 19, 2012 9:51:34 GMT -8
Post traumatic Stress disorder.
Some of the replies to Konnor referred to PTSD. There is a technique which many on this board may benefit from. It's called "Emotional Freedom Technique" (EFT). It involves a routine of finger tapping around the chinese meridan lines. I have found it quite beneficial in the past. It has been recommended as one of the only alternative techniques for dealing successfully with war related PTSD. I've forgotton the name of the guy who does the eft, but if you google EFT you will get the info. By foillowing the video you can actually lean how to practise the technique. You can buy the kit for about 95 US dollars (cd's). Of all the therapies I have used, this was the best value for money I came across.
I highly recommend all users of this board to try this technique. But, as Susan says, we cannot rely on one remedy here. This is gorilla warfare. We must all become terrorists fighting a war for domination. The domination in this case is our brains. We must recolonise our brains. We must regain full control. Our addictions and depression mean that we are not in control. In order to get there we must become soldiers of destiny attacking on all fronts. We must also fight dirty. There are no rules in this war as our very survival depends on us winning this war.
We all have a duty to fight and defend the homeland. The homeland in this case is our brain health.
You all have your orders .Plan your attack, take your positions and strike without mercy or warning. We will win.
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Post by Herenow on Apr 19, 2012 14:51:45 GMT -8
Susan
thanks for sharing the piece by Estes, that is just such a wonderful way of holding tears, grief, depression, dark nights of the soul.
It reminded me of this poem by Naomi Shihab Nye. I feel my addiction and recovery work have brought me to this place of understanding kindness. It is in the feeling and the crying that our humanity is born.
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
it is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you every where
like a shadow or a friend.
~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~
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Post by Havefaith on Apr 19, 2012 15:22:33 GMT -8
eft.mercola.com/Dr. Mercola - if you go to this link, you'll see the technique being demonstrated!
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 22, 2012 3:48:46 GMT -8
Konnor,
Re The STI issue.
I have just read in the Irish Sunday Independent, page 10 (date: 22/04/2012) that One Direction's heartthrobs Harry Styles and Liam Payne feat that they may have caught an (STI) from the a koala bear which urinated on them. Does this information help the cause?
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 22, 2012 3:49:18 GMT -8
feat = fear!
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Post by konnor on Apr 22, 2012 6:27:04 GMT -8
Konnor, Re The STI issue. I have just read in the Irish Sunday Independent, page 10 (date: 22/04/2012) that One Direction's heartthrobs Harry Styles and Liam Payne feat that they may have caught an (STI) from the a koala bear which urinated on them. Does this information help the cause? Sorry fella. I can't tell whether you are being sincere in posting that. No I haven't been in contact with any animals, koala or otherwise. HPV being a skin to skin virus it was pretty much unavoidable, even with precautions. I'm beginning to make peace with it. |
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Post by brainhealth on Apr 22, 2012 9:50:02 GMT -8
Konnor,
I suggest if you doubt my sincerity that you google The Sunday Independent. Please explain why I would go to the trouble posting it if it wasent true. You expressed great shock and surprise that you had contracted the STI.. I am no expert on STI's , how they are contracted, etc., I saw the article and told you about it because I thought it may help you trace the source, period.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 23, 2012 5:53:56 GMT -8
Back on the therapy/tears/poetry strand, I love the poem Diane and the prose about tears Susan, they are both very beautiful pieces. Thank-you.
I'm all for as many therapies and recovery methods you feel you can fit in. I fit in quite a lot, and while I still have bad days now and then, I'm getting so much benefit out of all of them. It's like I'm getting about 50% more seratonin released into my system in a week. Every time I have a relapse into missing my PoA, something else gets revealed to me about what's really going on in my psyche and I jump up another level in re-connecting with me.
Today I realised that the longing I feel for my PoA is very, VERY similar to the feeling I had as a girl, longing for my father's love. And I longed for my mothers love too. She's an alcoholic and my father was in denial and a work-aholic. I was terribly lonely and had no idea my life was so messed up. My brother made life bearable, but he also hid himself away from my mother, and in the end he abandoned me to her brutality. He must have been so scared. I thought she was going to kill me, so I bet he thought that too...OK, that's pretty heavy, I didn't know I was going to go there. It only happened a handful of times, but of course the scars go very deep. Anyone who's been reading my posts for a while will know I'm working pretty hard on all this stuff.
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Post by Herenow on Apr 23, 2012 10:43:48 GMT -8
jaca
you are just kicking some butt with your recovery. Congratulations. I know feeling those feelings is difficult , but I am like you I attack this thing from a lot of different angles and it works for me too.
I think the only way out is through and I remember how shocked I was when I realized that running from feeling was the thing that was keeping me addicted.
Great work, great great work.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Apr 23, 2012 13:45:49 GMT -8
Thanks diane, yep, recovery butt-kicking is what I'm all about right now! So tell me, what is your recovery program made up of?
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Post by Herenow on Apr 23, 2012 17:39:06 GMT -8
I've done talk therapy, anti-depressants, trauma therapy, al-anon, Slaa, meditation,worked the steps, prayed a lot and these message boards. I also have a spiritual teacher and we've worked a lot with my energy body as well....it took me years to acknowledge my LA, to really get it was the same as alcoholism is in a way, and then a few years more to let go of my POA for good ( i hope! 9 months and counting). so a lot of my recovery set the foundation for being able to let him go.
for me the meditation is key right now for really quieting my brain. It has been quite a help.
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Post by Herenow on Apr 24, 2012 2:38:30 GMT -8
LOL luv, I actually think more people are aware of our addiction, at least when I read about addiction being addicted to a person is always listed right up there with food, drugs and alcohol!
And as they say in the rooms, "what you think of me is none of my business!!"
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Post by alishass2040 on Nov 17, 2012 2:30:32 GMT -8
thanks for sharing.
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