feelings of shame and done with dating

celestine, if it helps any i felt like a obsessive nut when i came here in july. what you are feeling is normal you are still having the obsessive thoughts and the withdrawals from your love addiction, i never felt like this until i went thru this with my poa. it does take work, it is like a drug but just write about it, keep posting here, can you find some al-anon or Co-dependent meetings in your area? get susans book, or any books on love addiction and just keep your mind busy as possible. i was in a fog for awhile, and i can still easily go back there if i am not careful. but it works if you work it. you will never forget your poa, but you will have the tools to get some relief, until you get stronger. keep coming back, you are right were you need to be glad your here.

Thank you for your support. I need it badly. I am still coming to terms with how horrible this addiction is with me. I don't understand it at all. I broke no contact. I started texting my POA again. He told me that talking to me was a waste of time because we will never be together because my he doesn't trust me. He told me that I didn't really love him back then like I said I did or we would be together ( he wouldn't let me). He told me he has a crush on me. He told me he wants to be with me... and then he started ignoring me. I don't get what he is doing. I just want to be friends with him. I have come to the conclusion that one of two things is happening. One he is as freaked out about all this as I am or two he just wants me to sleep with him and since that isn't happening, he has backed off. I don't understand why I am obsessing over him, especially when my bf is amazing and I should be happy with him. I don't even know why I feel how I feel for him because he can offer me nothing. Is it just my pride or what is it? I realized this morning that he is doing the exact thing he did to me 17 years ago. He gets me close and then he runs away. I let him do it then and look what happened and now I have returned for more. How do I stop this? How do I get the strength to stop contacting him. I don't get why I keep giving him all this power. I am experiencing a major low today because he keeps backing off more and more, even though he says the opposite, and I keep hanging on. It is like a break up of a non-existent relationship. I am not unattractive, I have many friends, I work out and keep active so what is wrong with me. I really do feel like I am losing my mind over this man. I really don't know how to let him go or why I can't. I have NEVER had such deep hurt over anyone else in my life. Why him? If we had just gone out on a date when I was single and we didn't know each other back then, I would never have gone out with him again! It is mind blowing really. I wish he had left me alone and had never come back.

It's so hard, I know, but it's so worth it. Hang in there!

Celestine I just want to say that everything you wrote that you think is crazy is happening/happened to me too. So it isn't so crazy. It's a well known pattern. In these sick relationships, the poa has all the power and they are usually kind of sadistic and DO send mixed messages to us. NC is the way to go. I am on day five and feeling so much happier than I have in a year! Keep going-you can do it!

Hang in there...you can do this. This is part of the process. When you go into surgery you have to do things differently to get yourself ready. This is the beginning of a new you. You are prepping for surgery. This is awful painful stuff, just like having to go into surgery, but then you come out a better you, you can heal. Just keep at it. Forgive yourself if you stray from your intended course, and put yourself back on the path. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part sometimes.
I stray from my path, I fall, I get back up, I stumble, and all I know is I can't do this alone. My HP is there guiding my back, keeping my falls from hurting as badly. I have to do the work, I just don't do it all alone, because it has felt that no one in this world knows or understands the pain I am in.
This board also understands. We are all here, too.

It seems like he is ambivalent avoidant. He also might have some mental illness since he has MS, who knows, maybe it affected his brain, or maybe he is afraid that if he gets really ill, you will leave him. But regardless of a reason, you need to try to continue NC and try slowly to get away from him mentally. Since you have another relationship, it should be helping you.

And you know what, we all have gone through this. I broke NC many times, and then set it up again. One day I kept it until he contacted me. Again, I kept it until he contacted me. I have not been contacting him since August. Before that I could not stop contacting him. The longest I could wait to not contact him was 3 weeks. I am still obsessed about him, but I am not contacting him. I am still vulnerable if he contacts me.

So, just take one day at a time - NC. If you fall, get up and try again. We are all in it together.

I broke it. I did it and it played out exactly like I knew it would. I am so hurt right now. I feel so sick. God I hope this goes away. I wish I had someone to talk to here about it but I don't. This is just horrible.

Celestine, Just for TODAY, tell yourself you will not call. If you cave in to the addiction and call, you know what you will get.
You don't "want to get hurt", you want it to feel okay. You feel crazy because you need it to feel okay, but you know better; that "he won't answer and it will drive me even crazier".
I can tell you this because I went through it a few months ago. We are waiting and hoping he will change. Have you read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood? If you go to
thelovelyaddict.com you can find all of LovelyJune's blogs and such. Use your energy now to feed this to your brain and get strong. Peace, Fm2

You know, maybe it was good that you called. If you have not called, you would keep guessing. Sometimes we need to go through the motions, "hit the wall with our head" many times before realizing what we are doing. I did this for 2 years. I had to do the motions. Until I have proved to myself that it was hurting when I was "hitting the wall with my head", I started to stop little by little.

Bottom line is - you need to do what you have to do to get over this person.

I am going to the gym now. I have stopped crying but I still feel this big hole. I am angry again and I wish I could just hate him. I wish I could wish bad things on him but I can't. I still care too much about him. I still wish him the best in his marriage and I still wonder what his tests will show. His MS has caused blindness on 3 occasions and he drives for a living. I shouldn't care because it is not my job to care and I should be mad shouldn't I? If I could hate him I wouldn't be so hurt because it seems at least like I am doing all the caring and he obviously doesn't at all if he can just walk out.

Sorry for all the venting today...........

and then he call here and I answer. This is going to start all over again. I am really going to the gym now.

Everyone here is so sweet putting up with all of this. I am so frusterating to myself I don't know how I am not frusterating to everyone else. So yesterday after POA phoned I blew my no contact all to hell. He said he was not avoiding me, he just doesn't have his cell around all the time when he is home from work because he is busy. Then he tells me to come for coffee. I went and it was nice. It did not get weird and we talked about some of the past. I was still really worried last night that this was all going to blow up again after. I don't want to lead him on because I need to stay with my bf. So this morning I texted him, (sorry) and he told me I could call him. I did and about 5 minutes later he was talking to his wife and his daughter while he was talking to me. It surprised me at first and then a sort of a peace washed over me. I would think I would be jealous but I am not. I was relieved that he was not hiding me like a bad thing. I also noticed yesterday that he had his wedding ring on. I really went into this all wanting a friendship and maybe it isn't entirely impossible if we include our signifigant others. It seems less dirty now. Is it possible I can work on this and just be his friend or am I jumping the gun on that one?

You are all awesome people and I am glad I found a place where people are so willing to explain to me what is going on. It still seems very surreal. Havefaith, your post about co-dependency is as close as it can get to what is going on here and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I am going to read some books and try to see if I can get into an al-anon meeting here. My son's dad is a horrible alcoholic, (I hate him) and POA is a recovering one so if I can not find LA meeting that one should still apply.

POA is married but they have been separated for over a year now. He was to stay sober all that time if there is to be any chance of a reconciliation. He says that he has but he does not think his marriage is salvagable because he says she has changed too much. I am not sure if he realizes how much he has changed. I, in no way want him to split from his wife. I have told him a million times to be nice and show her he loves her. She has put up with him for 16 years and I know that I could not deal with him that long. I am not sure it makes sense but I love him as a friend, not as a lover. I do not want him to make any more self destructive decisions and for some reason I am stuck on this idea that I have to stop him. He is not the boy I was in love with all those years ago and I sometimes feel responsible because we lost contact. I have a lot of guilt for that. I know that is wrong and it was his own decisions that led him to where he is but I can not stop thinking that way. He has nearly killed himself before, drinking, and if he ever did I do not know what that would do to me! Where the boundries blur is that he will say things that are not entirely appropriate to me while I am with another person but because I do not want him to leave I have been allowing him to say it and even responding although I have tried to stop that as much as I can. I do not want him to think that I want a relationship with him but I am scared if I bluntly say that he will go. I am having a hard time with NC because it is amping up that guilt I feel already. I do not know what happened to him.

celestine, I have been in AA for 2.5 yrs now, and just speaking from what i have learned in that time is this, i hope your poa is getting sober for himself and no one else, b/c if he is just doing this in hopes of saving his marriage, it still might not work out, and you hear this alot in AA. so he needs to stay sober for himself only. And I believe you would get some much out of Al-Anon & Co-Dependent mtgs, i go to those also, b/c the guy im with plus my parents were both alcoholics and I really helps alot. Just hang in there and get to some meetings, at least 6 before you decide you dont like it. And you will feel right at home there, b/c we are more alike than we are different. Keep us posted on how your doing. Glad your here. ;-)