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Post by celestine on Nov 15, 2011 10:10:21 GMT -8
I feel like I am crazy because I can't get this under control. Is this normal? I have been trying so hard to get my POA out of my head and still can't do it. There is no reason he should be in there in the first place. Most people would look at him and say "Really?" I don't get why I need him so much! I am suffering from some major anxiety today because of it. I want to beat this addiction but it is really hard where I am. There are no LA meetings where I am from and I don't want to run into him at AA/NA. I am not sure where to go from here. I feel like there is no one like me here. 
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 15, 2011 11:00:12 GMT -8
celestine, if it helps any i felt like a obsessive nut when i came here in july. what you are feeling is normal you are still having the obsessive thoughts and the withdrawals from your love addiction, i never felt like this until i went thru this with my poa. it does take work, it is like a drug but just write about it, keep posting here, can you find some al-anon or Co-dependent meetings in your area? get susans book, or any books on love addiction and just keep your mind busy as possible. i was in a fog for awhile, and i can still easily go back there if i am not careful. but it works if you work it. you will never forget your poa, but you will have the tools to get some relief, until you get stronger. keep coming back, you are right were you need to be glad your here.
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foolmetwice
Full Member
 
"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare
Posts: 196
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Post by foolmetwice on Nov 15, 2011 11:03:25 GMT -8
Hey Celestine, if you check out the members of this board, there are 99 pages of us and we are all like you.
Step 1: Admitted we are powerless over this disease and that our lives had become unmanageable. Get addicted to this board and especially to LJ's guidance. She is the mind of reason for me. I come here to find comfort, wisdom, and hope and to share the crazy stuff that goes on in my head anonymously and honestly. When I get feedback, I get validation and direction. Trying to "control" addiction is insanity. You have to wean yourself away from it and let time teach that detox is the way out. Keep comin' back! Fm2
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Post by celestine on Nov 20, 2011 13:40:01 GMT -8
Thank you for your support. I need it badly. I am still coming to terms with how horrible this addiction is with me. I don't understand it at all. I broke no contact. I started texting my POA again. He told me that talking to me was a waste of time because we will never be together because my he doesn't trust me. He told me that I didn't really love him back then like I said I did or we would be together ( he wouldn't let me). He told me he has a crush on me. He told me he wants to be with me... and then he started ignoring me. I don't get what he is doing. I just want to be friends with him. I have come to the conclusion that one of two things is happening. One he is as freaked out about all this as I am or two he just wants me to sleep with him and since that isn't happening, he has backed off. I don't understand why I am obsessing over him, especially when my bf is amazing and I should be happy with him. I don't even know why I feel how I feel for him because he can offer me nothing. Is it just my pride or what is it? I realized this morning that he is doing the exact thing he did to me 17 years ago. He gets me close and then he runs away. I let him do it then and look what happened and now I have returned for more. How do I stop this? How do I get the strength to stop contacting him. I don't get why I keep giving him all this power. I am experiencing a major low today because he keeps backing off more and more, even though he says the opposite, and I keep hanging on. It is like a break up of a non-existent relationship. I am not unattractive, I have many friends, I work out and keep active so what is wrong with me. I really do feel like I am losing my mind over this man. I really don't know how to let him go or why I can't. I have NEVER had such deep hurt over anyone else in my life. Why him? If we had just gone out on a date when I was single and we didn't know each other back then, I would never have gone out with him again! It is mind blowing really. I wish he had left me alone and had never come back.
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Post by celestine on Nov 21, 2011 6:59:19 GMT -8
Okay...nc nc nc nc. Oooh this is going to kill me today. I want so bad to scold him for trying to use me.... grrrr... I really just wanted to be friends. I slept better for the first time in three days though.
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Post by singlewv2011 on Nov 21, 2011 7:57:26 GMT -8
It's so hard, I know, but it's so worth it. Hang in there!
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 21, 2011 12:04:20 GMT -8
Get yourself some books on LA and co-dependency and start the 12 steps. You need to start on healing yourself from looking outside for love that's not there. They say that when this disease is untreated it gets worse. That could be why you have only just started to notice it in your life. If you have a great bf then you have a reason to want to start healing now, before it affects your relationship, if it hasn't already. Don't underestimate the craziness of LA.
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Post by addicted on Nov 21, 2011 14:52:14 GMT -8
Celestine I just want to say that everything you wrote that you think is crazy is happening/happened to me too. So it isn't so crazy. It's a well known pattern. In these sick relationships, the poa has all the power and they are usually kind of sadistic and DO send mixed messages to us. NC is the way to go. I am on day five and feeling so much happier than I have in a year! Keep going-you can do it!
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 21, 2011 16:11:40 GMT -8
celestine, we always want our poa to hurt just like they have hurt us, and we want them to apologize to us, and we want them to validate our feelings, but the truth is, that is not going to happen. So just keep posting and sharing with us, it takes awhile for the obsessions and withdrawals to get easier. but do something daily for yourself and your recovery. and keep posting and sharing with us, a problem shared is a problem cut in half. and we can do together, what we cant do alone. and you are not alone, we are here for you. keep coming back.
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Post by frenchroll on Nov 21, 2011 21:21:34 GMT -8
Hang in there...you can do this. This is part of the process. When you go into surgery you have to do things differently to get yourself ready. This is the beginning of a new you. You are prepping for surgery. This is awful painful stuff, just like having to go into surgery, but then you come out a better you, you can heal. Just keep at it. Forgive yourself if you stray from your intended course, and put yourself back on the path. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest part sometimes. I stray from my path, I fall, I get back up, I stumble, and all I know is I can't do this alone. My HP is there guiding my back, keeping my falls from hurting as badly. I have to do the work, I just don't do it all alone, because it has felt that no one in this world knows or understands the pain I am in. This board also understands. We are all here, too.
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Post by celestine on Nov 21, 2011 21:50:16 GMT -8
Thanks everyone for helping me through this. I successfully made it through the first day of NC. I wanted to a few times just to say good-bye and to tell him good luck with his tests this week, (he was diagnosed with MS 10 years ago and they have to check to see if it is getting worse). I did not though. I had some good breakthrough thinking today. I am not angry with him anymore for a couple of reasons. One is that I don't think he was just using me for sex. I thought about way back to when we were kids and he is acting the same as he did then, he gets close and then he runs away. I am not sure he ever had the level of self-esteem I always thought he had, I though he was a god of course, and I actually think I scare him a bit. He doesn't trust me and never fully did... and still does not. He has told me even recently he doesn't actually think I care about him now. Second I am just as bad if I am honest about it. I was never going to leave my bf for him and maybe he picked up on that. If nothing else we were using each other so I guess I can't be mad about that. I never wanted it to be this way. I only really wanted to be friends with him, nothing sexual at all, but it got out of control so fast. He was like gas to my fire. I have come to the conclusion that it really is over. 17 years ago we both made some mistakes. He would never tell me he wanted to be with me, I do believe he did because he would kind of follow me around when I was with other people and he never dated anyone else, and I always had to prove I didn't need him so I always dated a million other people. The thing I had to face today was that we missed our chance then and we don't have another one EVER. I am mourning that today. I have been wishing I could go back in time but I can't so it is really over. I think it is a waste we can't be friends. I still wish I could fix that. I hope I can get all this out of my head soon. I am still obsessing and I know it but I am happy that I know I really have to let this go.
Thank you all!
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Post by person on Nov 21, 2011 22:16:12 GMT -8
It seems like he is ambivalent avoidant. He also might have some mental illness since he has MS, who knows, maybe it affected his brain, or maybe he is afraid that if he gets really ill, you will leave him. But regardless of a reason, you need to try to continue NC and try slowly to get away from him mentally. Since you have another relationship, it should be helping you.
And you know what, we all have gone through this. I broke NC many times, and then set it up again. One day I kept it until he contacted me. Again, I kept it until he contacted me. I have not been contacting him since August. Before that I could not stop contacting him. The longest I could wait to not contact him was 3 weeks. I am still obsessed about him, but I am not contacting him. I am still vulnerable if he contacts me.
So, just take one day at a time - NC. If you fall, get up and try again. We are all in it together.
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Post by celestine on Nov 22, 2011 9:18:41 GMT -8
NC NC NC. I am having a bad morning again. I know it is over I just don't know how he can just walk away. It is killing me today. I was so close to phoning him and asking but I know he will not answer and it will drive me even crazier. So NC NC NC. It hurts really bad though. I am feeling a little ill over it today. I still don't get it. I have the best bf ever and I am only thinking about this other person who can't do anything but hurt me. Do I want to be hurt? Is that what it is? I need him out of my head.
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Post by celestine on Nov 22, 2011 10:01:41 GMT -8
I broke it. I did it and it played out exactly like I knew it would. I am so hurt right now. I feel so sick. God I hope this goes away. I wish I had someone to talk to here about it but I don't. This is just horrible.
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 22, 2011 10:09:21 GMT -8
My story is similar to yours. I have a spouse who is totally invested in me, he's kind, good looking, intelligent -- he's got it all. Yet I have never been faithful. I have sought out unavailable partners for the entire duration of our marriage (26 years). Why? Long, long story. Bottom line -- it's an addiction to the feelings of 'new love/lust', the thrill of the chase, the chemical hit I get off it (dopamine junkie) when I get the attention, and wanting what I can't have, which is very alluring (and also not healthy).
The downside -- heartache, emptiness, anguish -- and the worst -- ADDICTION.
There are many who struggle with this -- yet there is a better way to live. But you cannot do it alone. This addiction is cunning and baffling and takes on a life of its own. My own willpower can't fight addiction. But I have the tools that are helping me to manage the addiction.
That is why I am here -- why I'm in weekly therapy -- why I work the 12 Steps -- why I attend recovery/support groups. I cannot do this alone. I cannot.
HaveFaith
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foolmetwice
Full Member
 
"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare
Posts: 196
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Post by foolmetwice on Nov 22, 2011 10:28:43 GMT -8
Celestine, Just for TODAY, tell yourself you will not call. If you cave in to the addiction and call, you know what you will get. You don't "want to get hurt", you want it to feel okay. You feel crazy because you need it to feel okay, but you know better; that "he won't answer and it will drive me even crazier". I can tell you this because I went through it a few months ago. We are waiting and hoping he will change. Have you read "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood? If you go to thelovelyaddict.com you can find all of LovelyJune's blogs and such. Use your energy now to feed this to your brain and get strong. Peace, Fm2
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Post by celestine on Nov 22, 2011 10:38:57 GMT -8
I do want it to feel okay. I haven't been this heartbroken since he did this to me all these years ago. I knew I should never have called him that first time again. I am so ashamed of myself. I have been looking for books to read that might help me. I can't afford a therapist right now and this is such a small place that meetings are hard to find. I never want to see him ever again. I am thinking of going to the gym if I an stop crying long enough to go. Why can't he say anything? Why can't he tell me he reconciled with his wife? Why can't he tell me to F off? Why the silence? Why does it even matter? It feels unfinished... again!
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Post by person on Nov 22, 2011 10:40:01 GMT -8
You know, maybe it was good that you called. If you have not called, you would keep guessing. Sometimes we need to go through the motions, "hit the wall with our head" many times before realizing what we are doing. I did this for 2 years. I had to do the motions. Until I have proved to myself that it was hurting when I was "hitting the wall with my head", I started to stop little by little.
Bottom line is - you need to do what you have to do to get over this person.
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Post by singlewv2011 on Nov 22, 2011 11:11:53 GMT -8
There is no shame in starting over again. I broke a 30-day NC last weekend, but I am 9 days into my new NC period and it is SO much easier than last time. It's all a process, you can't change who you are over night. But there is hope, and there is progress. Hang in there. 
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Post by celestine on Nov 22, 2011 11:58:01 GMT -8
I am going to the gym now. I have stopped crying but I still feel this big hole. I am angry again and I wish I could just hate him. I wish I could wish bad things on him but I can't. I still care too much about him. I still wish him the best in his marriage and I still wonder what his tests will show. His MS has caused blindness on 3 occasions and he drives for a living. I shouldn't care because it is not my job to care and I should be mad shouldn't I? If I could hate him I wouldn't be so hurt because it seems at least like I am doing all the caring and he obviously doesn't at all if he can just walk out.
Sorry for all the venting today...........
and then he call here and I answer. This is going to start all over again. I am really going to the gym now.
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 22, 2011 12:16:04 GMT -8
Another thing love addicts are so very capable of is codependency. We love to 'help' people, fix people, entrench ourselves in their problems, be their sounding board, their pseudo-therapist, think we can make it all better -- you get the idea. When I don't get the response I think I'm entitled to, I'm angry and hurt. Ugh....
I'm guilty of these behaviors. What makes it so unhealthy is that I do this more for my own needs than for the other person's. I have to remember that every time I fall into that pattern, and stop myself before I become hopelessly entrenched in the Dance of Codependency.
HaveFaith
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Post by celestine on Nov 23, 2011 9:46:18 GMT -8
Everyone here is so sweet putting up with all of this. I am so frusterating to myself I don't know how I am not frusterating to everyone else. So yesterday after POA phoned I blew my no contact all to hell. He said he was not avoiding me, he just doesn't have his cell around all the time when he is home from work because he is busy. Then he tells me to come for coffee. I went and it was nice. It did not get weird and we talked about some of the past. I was still really worried last night that this was all going to blow up again after. I don't want to lead him on because I need to stay with my bf. So this morning I texted him, (sorry) and he told me I could call him. I did and about 5 minutes later he was talking to his wife and his daughter while he was talking to me. It surprised me at first and then a sort of a peace washed over me. I would think I would be jealous but I am not. I was relieved that he was not hiding me like a bad thing. I also noticed yesterday that he had his wedding ring on. I really went into this all wanting a friendship and maybe it isn't entirely impossible if we include our signifigant others. It seems less dirty now. Is it possible I can work on this and just be his friend or am I jumping the gun on that one?
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Post by person on Nov 23, 2011 11:59:56 GMT -8
so, he is married? I did not realize that. This is much worse than. And you have a boyfriend. You need to get yourself out of this situation. He is not going to leave his wife for you. You are in a triangle. Do you want to loose your boyfriend? I think you need to clean your space around you. Somewhere on this board it says, that being in a triangle you can't recover and get better. Think about all this, what you are doing and what you are hoping to achieve.
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Post by celestine on Nov 25, 2011 15:40:06 GMT -8
You are all awesome people and I am glad I found a place where people are so willing to explain to me what is going on. It still seems very surreal. Havefaith, your post about co-dependency is as close as it can get to what is going on here and I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I am going to read some books and try to see if I can get into an al-anon meeting here. My son's dad is a horrible alcoholic, (I hate him) and POA is a recovering one so if I can not find LA meeting that one should still apply.
POA is married but they have been separated for over a year now. He was to stay sober all that time if there is to be any chance of a reconciliation. He says that he has but he does not think his marriage is salvagable because he says she has changed too much. I am not sure if he realizes how much he has changed. I, in no way want him to split from his wife. I have told him a million times to be nice and show her he loves her. She has put up with him for 16 years and I know that I could not deal with him that long. I am not sure it makes sense but I love him as a friend, not as a lover. I do not want him to make any more self destructive decisions and for some reason I am stuck on this idea that I have to stop him. He is not the boy I was in love with all those years ago and I sometimes feel responsible because we lost contact. I have a lot of guilt for that. I know that is wrong and it was his own decisions that led him to where he is but I can not stop thinking that way. He has nearly killed himself before, drinking, and if he ever did I do not know what that would do to me! Where the boundries blur is that he will say things that are not entirely appropriate to me while I am with another person but because I do not want him to leave I have been allowing him to say it and even responding although I have tried to stop that as much as I can. I do not want him to think that I want a relationship with him but I am scared if I bluntly say that he will go. I am having a hard time with NC because it is amping up that guilt I feel already. I do not know what happened to him.
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Post by person on Nov 25, 2011 16:45:26 GMT -8
I read on this forum that trying to save others is one of LA traits. You need to stop this trying to feel responsible for him and trying to save him. You are not responsible for his actions. You can't save him. He needs to save himself. You don't have to stop him, he has to stop himself. You have not done anything wrong, you should not feel guilty.
Let me give you an example: let's say I dated a man. Then I decided that I need to break up with him and not to contact him ever again. I told him my reasons and did what I had to do. If he goes to the roof of skysstuffer and jumps down because of what I did, you would say that I am responsible. But am I really? If he is suicidal, he needs to get help. If I saw that he was suicidal and have not done anything to prevent this, yes, I would be responsible. But If I took him to the place where he can get help, I am not responsible. If he is not suicidal and I left him and he waited for me for whatever time and then decided to kill himself, that does not make me responsible. I can't be responsible for all people actions especially if I can't predict them.
You don't need to have him as a friend, you have your boyfriend - concentrate on him. The fact that he is separated and not divorced speaks volumes. He is not finished with his wife, he may reconcile with her, you want him to reconcile with her. And you are scared that if you say bluntly, he will go. I am going to say this, I am very blunt, I am sorry in advance: you need to tell him bluntly that you cannot and will not be his friend and you need to leave him alone and have a relationship with your boyfriend.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 25, 2011 20:02:57 GMT -8
celestine, I have been in AA for 2.5 yrs now, and just speaking from what i have learned in that time is this, i hope your poa is getting sober for himself and no one else, b/c if he is just doing this in hopes of saving his marriage, it still might not work out, and you hear this alot in AA. so he needs to stay sober for himself only. And I believe you would get some much out of Al-Anon & Co-Dependent mtgs, i go to those also, b/c the guy im with plus my parents were both alcoholics and I really helps alot. Just hang in there and get to some meetings, at least 6 before you decide you dont like it. And you will feel right at home there, b/c we are more alike than we are different. Keep us posted on how your doing. Glad your here. ;-)
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2014 17:48:14 GMT -8
"...In these sick relationships, the poa has all the power and they are usually kind of sadistic and DO send mixed messages to us. NC is the way to go..." From JC:
I go thru this every time. Every time. NC is good. Thanks addicted, for reminding me NOT to go back to my December PoA or any of it! NC will make things better. it does take time I apologize if I am posting too late. I was looking on this board and needed to respond to this thread. I relate so much. I can't help it. Jeanne Carol
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