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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 17, 2011 10:11:49 GMT -8
I moved (nearly) all my stuff that has been at his place since last October. While I was there I felt mostly ashamed that I was once so enmeshed with him, living there for so long. That I stubbornly refused to accept he was into being out of it, not into me or living life fully. Or being there for my daughter. I messed up so bad.
So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and got so much done. Managing to squeeze it in to my shared home. My flatmate helped me at his house and my friend texted me in support, which felt really good. It's great to have my stuff back (mainly) and also a bit overwhelming. I desperately need to get rid of a pile of things I should have gotten rid of years ago.
I watched my sadness welling up as I thought about how he's not going to change, how much of an addict he is. And witnessed myself with all those emotions, and felt confused and very uncomfortable.
I don't know if this state I'm in now is just more sober or if it's defeatist, but I have the feeling that I will never have a healthy relationship. I feel like there is a huge blank spot where the knowledge should be about healthy relating.
I think my childhood dream that it's just a matter of finding "a good man" who will love me is dying.
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Post by singlewv2011 on Nov 17, 2011 10:16:30 GMT -8
Ugh, you are singing my song today. Sometimes we are so hard on ourselves, especially when we look back and see how much pain we put ourselves through. And I hate the helpless feeling when you look at your PoA and think how much better their life would be if they could change or get over their addiction. My PoA is only 22, and she has twins that were taken from her. She has been in detox 5 or 6 times now, and she just can't kick her addiction. She is so heartbroken, she hasn't seen her twins for a year, and the odds of her ever getting them back are fading quick.
Hang in there, you have a great grip on the facts and it's normal to grieve the loss of a dream.
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Post by Loving My Life on Nov 17, 2011 10:48:38 GMT -8
sometimes and im seeing it now, b/c our self-esteem & self-worth are so low, plus love addicts & co-dependents, we dont give ourselves enough credit, and we pick people beneath us. i believe it is all about picking our equal. at least that is how im feeling now. and yes it is sad to have to leave ppl where they are at, but until they want to change, we have no control, just pray for them. thats all we can do now. and take care of ourselves.
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Post by happyberry on Nov 17, 2011 11:06:00 GMT -8
have faith in the process.
I had the same feeling too. Now I am in a really great marriage.
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Post by person on Nov 17, 2011 11:06:06 GMT -8
jacarandagirl: I have the same feeling.
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Post by calvin on Nov 17, 2011 11:30:59 GMT -8
jacarandagirl; it doesn't seem that you're being defeatist, but maybe a realist. If you're like me, so much of my relationship with my PoA was a fantasy; I was in love with a great, handsome guy who cared for me, was bright, worked hard, was funny, everything I could wish for. In reality he is a SA, takes too many drugs, drinks, over-eats, spends hours and hours on 'dating' websites, or watching old cr*ppy repeats on TV. But I managed to re-write the facts daily. Now I look at the evidence, check all the mental gymnastics I used to do to make his behaviours acceptable, and see that alone as I am, I am better off. This is better. This is the road to a place where I can have a loving relationship. Its looking like a long journey, and I've got blisters already, but I have faith that what everyone says on here (thank you happyberry)will come true if I stick with the destination, and don't turn off the road and head backwards. There is no drama at the moment (apart from the chaos in my head) but I'm walking the walk and have FAITH that this is the right path. I read this on a blog I follow today and have printed it out and put it in front of my desk: "We are nearly always evaluating our lives against some false standard of future performance. Our judging mind takes us out of the reality of the present moment, which is the only moment we will occupy. No matter what the predictions, no one ever has or ever will live in the future.... Have faith in yourself and your life as it is. This faith is never hidden, this faith is always present, this faith is always where you are, in your hands, which is where and how you handle everything." Have faith in your yourself and your life as it is. You will be OK. It will be all right. You will handle everything. Together on this board we'll get through it x |
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 17, 2011 13:40:34 GMT -8
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your input. Love hearing what you all say. I have some hope for getting well again. It's so good to know others have healed enough to be able to have a successful, positive relationship, and that I'm not alone in my journey here.
I have this thing about hope- it's always seemed to get me in the most horrendous trouble in the past, because I was always hoping things would get better with my PoA. So I feel quite a bit of fear about hoping for the future. I think I am also afraid just to give myself a break too...to let up on me...god, I just go round and round. This is a hard place.
Well, one step at a time, I need to go to work. big xx
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Post by Susan Peabody on Nov 18, 2011 16:32:55 GMT -8
I am not worried about the shame, I just wish I had my money back so I could buy a house. I used to try and buy love big time. |
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Post by Healing Ku'uipo on Nov 18, 2011 18:21:07 GMT -8
Hey Jac... Its good to let yourself just Feel what your feeling sometimes. Take a breath.. you've come a long way!
Yesterday I re did the dresser in my bedroom my ex used for his clothes it took me 5 years to get to it... bothered me a little bit every day. It takes time to release a relationship.
My advise is to stay present.
When you go into a projected lonely future its sometimes just because thats what you are feeling Right Now.
Who knows what you will be feeling in a year, be open to better than you imagined.
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Post by margot on Nov 18, 2011 20:23:28 GMT -8
I can relate to that one Susan.......wish I had my time and money back. Ah well, for real I can only go forward. New plans, new ideas, new circumstances and hopefully new friends.
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Post by Havefaith on Nov 18, 2011 20:27:38 GMT -8
I agree, Margot -- we have today; can't go back. And we are blessed to be able to move forward, especially in a healthy, dignified way.
HaveFaith
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Post by margot on Nov 18, 2011 21:31:57 GMT -8
Good to see you HaveFaith.
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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 18, 2011 23:04:49 GMT -8
I think I'm just coming to terms with where I'm really at. Looking at it one way, most of the people I know in relationships look like they're using something to cope, be it drugs or some other habit. Some of them look like they have healthy relationships. I'm in the middle somewhere, choosing to leave a really unhealthy one in favour of being alone. And still feeling the addiction but choosing not to follow it. I hope one day I can be with someone again in a good way. In the meantime I want to learn how to look after myself.
I just went on a 13 km bike ride and a swim in a river! And now heading out to dinner with my flatmate and her 85 year old dad, who is shouting us to a curry. Life is good.
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