I feel like a nut.

foolmetwice
Full Member

"A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare

Posts: 196

I feel like a nut. Nov 12, 2011 6:44:02 GMT -8

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Post by foolmetwice on Nov 12, 2011 6:44:02 GMT -8

After blowing up at my friend over something small, i spent the last 2 days alone, reflecting. I realized I am at a point in my recovery where I feel safe enough to finally vent the rage I have inside of me from having suffered through 8 years of an abusive (physical, psycho and emo) marriage 23 years ago. I am terrified of it consuming me, and do not want to Sh*t all over the people in my life who truly care about me. I see that I only feel ashamed and not worthy of friends. How to vent the rage which I accumulated while a victim ? I have suffered depression, medicated with antidepressants and I am done with all that. I want to feel like I did when I was 20, before I became a victim. I have worked the al-anon program, 12 steps, attended meetings, individual therapy. But this "beast" in me only comes out when triggered and then i don't even know what i'm doing and act out crazy. My reflection gave me this; that I am scared of intimacy too because it led to abuse and i self sabotage (flip out on someone who supposedly cares about me) as a test to show them how crazy and damaged i am. Of course, once I get calmed down I am
suffocated by the shame of my behavior, desperate for the person to forgive me and everything to be okay again. I have become the abuser! And I need help to let this go. Thanks for your insights, Fm2

Jacarandagirl
Elder Member

Posts: 2,322

I feel like a nut. Nov 12, 2011 12:43:27 GMT -8

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Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 12, 2011 12:43:27 GMT -8

foolmetwice, this behaviour belongs in your bedroom alone, or with a cushion with someone who wants to help you...like a therapist. Or put the thoughts you have in these situations down on paper, as Byron Katie says, and do the work on them (www.thework.com). You're right, it is abusive. And there's never a good excuse for dumping this on someone else you care about, or even on those you don't care about.

Well done for seeing the behaviour, that's the most crucial step. Now you need to act on the information you have about yourself to change. Try doing a BK worksheet on the situation that gets you so mad. Write about your parents, your marriage, your ex. Then I would try apologising to your friend without excusing or justifying my behaviour. Just a straight out apology. If you're lucky they will still want to be your friend in a while. Not a small thing, these friends we have.

"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change".
Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

foolmetwice Full Member "A star danced, and under that was I born." Shakespeare Posts: 196	I feel like a nut. Nov 12, 2011 13:16:31 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by foolmetwice on Nov 12, 2011 13:16:31 GMT -8 Thankyou Jacar, I did call and leave a message within an hour of the incident to admit I overreacted and apologized. I didn't justify or excuse my behavior. I will look at the website, and do the work. thanks, Fm2

Jacarandagirl Elder Member Posts: 2,322	I feel like a nut. Nov 13, 2011 2:27:15 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 13, 2011 2:27:15 GMT -8 Great, let me know how it goes doing the work. I should also have mentioned to write the worksheet specifically out on your friend and what got you angry with her, or angry in this situation.
	"You deserve better than something that may be comfortable for you but you already know doesn't work and that you'll be complaining about soon enough and hoping that something or someone else will do what you can't even do for yourself. You deserve better - you deserve change". Excerpt from www.baggagereclaim.com

Post by foolmetwice on Nov 12, 2011 6:44:02 GMT -8

Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 12, 2011 12:43:27 GMT -8

Post by foolmetwice on Nov 12, 2011 13:16:31 GMT -8

Post by Jacarandagirl on Nov 13, 2011 2:27:15 GMT -8