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Post by ontheroad on Dec 12, 2011 19:57:20 GMT -8
Hi everybody. I am an ambivalent love addict and am in recovery. I have recovered from many of the love addict behaviors that used to cause me so much pain, but have recently realized that I am still acting out in my avoidance behaviors. I have been really analyzing myself and my relationship lately, and I realized that I am constantly feeling the need to control my girlfriend's behaviors that embarrass me out in public. The things that embarrass me are her anger issues, and awkward social behaviors. Her pet names, drunken loudness for me are really embarrassing too... They are so embarrassing that I feel myself rolling my eyes, which is a sign that I don't fully respect her. She says I've been rolling my eyes a lot lately. If I don't respect my partner and we have kids, then I would be setting my kids up to become like me..an enmeshed child whose parent places more importance on the relationship with the kid than with the other parent. I resent that I don't respect quite a bit of what she does. I don't know why I have such a fear of looking naive in front of random people. Maybe it comes from my ex step mother that used to accuse me of fake things and make me look like an idiot with her BPD rages in public places....I don't want this. I want to be with someone who can handle their own stuff! I work on my own stuff and I don't expect any one else to keep me in check! It's my stuff. It seems that the people I am attracted to can't keep their own stuff in control. So I end up acting in certain ways (yes, walking on egg shells.) to make sure that I don't see their behaviors that I don't like. Am I trying to stay in denial and control these issues so I don't have to deal with the fact that it might be better to just leave them? I realize I also have some untreated symptoms of codependence. Mainly difficulty maintaining boundaries. I am also feeling really confused. My girlfriend and I were on a break last week so I could figure stuff out. Now I am resenting the fact that I feel like I am sacrificing my own self love and self health in the short term to see if we can resolve our issues in the long term. I am putting the relationship before my own health currently. Is this a healthy thing to do if it could make our relationship better later? The truth is that I am still in a slightly fragile state of my love avoidance addiction. Things are not good enough in this relationship right now for me to feel safe and unthreatened....They were before things started going wrong and I didn't have any triggers present so I was fine. Now I'm feeling triggers all over the place and feel myself trying to fantasize my way out of the relationship...I am not okay yet. I need more step work, and work on boundaries. What would be the healthy thing to do? At this point, would couples counseling be a good option? Or is it too bad to make it healthy again??? I also just realized, that I may be trying to "fix her" so I can be happy with her, versus just saying "We are not at matching emotional levels." I feel like maybe it's bad of me to do this. I don't believe I have the right to try to change her...but if she is doing things that hurt our relationship or herself or me, is it okay for me to talk about it? Where is the line between helping each other grow, and not accepting someone the way they are???I appreciate your thoughts on all of this, as I am trying to stop living out this pattern of unhealthy relationships.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 13, 2011 3:08:17 GMT -8
ontheroad, lets see you know you cant change your gf, but her actions cause you resentments, so why do you feel the need to stay with her? do you feel like you have to just settle in the relationship. You need to write about what is really going on here. And you need to work your recovery. if she has unacceptable behaviors, and that is one of your deal breakers then you need to leave, we cant change people. Write out your values list, boundaries, and what are deal breakers in your relationships. set up some goals for yourself. and focus on you. glad your here, keep coming back.
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Post by ontheroad on Dec 13, 2011 8:51:35 GMT -8
Carolyn,
I think I feel bad that I am resenting her actions...I am trying to convince myself that it is not a big enough deal to resent. I am staying (at least until after the holidays) to figure out if I should be able to get past these things. If she is working on other things, I feel like the awkward behaviors shouldn't be such a big deal to me. But they still are...is this normal to be so annoyed by little things like naive pet names, and talking in weird cartoon character voices? Ever since I met her I found that irritating. But I just sort of ignored it.
But good idea, I will write out my relationship boundaries. And as far as changing her, I know it is not my responsibility to try to change her. But if these are really unhealthy things she is doing, shouldn't I tell her I notice them? (The unhealthy behaviors being her anger issues and her being overly generous at the cost of her and my well being?)
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 13, 2011 9:08:31 GMT -8
ontheroad, in any relationship you have to be a too communicate in a healthy way, not blaming or pointing fingers. Remember to use "I" statements. I feel like......when..... But someone with anger issues is never good. So you just have to make a decision what is acceptable and unacceptable. And when you write your list, it will become clearer.
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Post by LovelyJune on Dec 13, 2011 12:12:46 GMT -8
It seems that the people I am attracted to can't keep their own stuff in control. So I end up acting in certain ways (yes, walking on egg shells.) to make sure that I don't see their behaviors that I don't like. I'm going to suggest something that doesn't take a whole lot of analysis or deep evaluation. It's just one of those things that sticks out at me like a sore thumb and was something I could never fully get when I did the same.... You are dating people you don't really like. Period. Sure you might like a few things here and there. But I'm guessing, based on a low self-esteem, be honest now, you either a.) fell in love super quick with this person and THEN started to see her differences and things you didn't particularly like, or b.) You dated her well knowing she wasn't "perfect" and told yourself you can't be picky. Either of those situations sound right? I used to do this ALL THE TIME. And that's not to say you're doing it. But I was extremely ambivalent too. I would date someone, fall in love fast, and THEN start to decide whether they were right for me or not. Oops! I did things a little backwards. And perhaps you are too. You are never going to change her qualities. And you are never going to be able to CHANGE your own inherent dislike of those things ( tried to do both). That being said, you know how you solve this problem? You find someone new, who shares your same values! Yes, this is the longer, harder road. But it's worth it. For both of you. Do you know what your values are? SOunds like you need to put -Will not date people who are awkward socially -Will not date someone who embarrasses me...etc. For more on VALUES, see mine What are Values? thelovelyaddict.com/2010/01/10/what-are-values/More on Values: thelovelyaddict.com/2011/09/21/the-problems-i-cant-handle-vs-the-problems-i-can/
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Post by ontheroad on Dec 17, 2011 22:00:54 GMT -8
So, I am sort of ashamed to admit this, but I did fall for her quickly (we didn't say I love you until a month had passed) but I proposed to her 6 months after we met, and we only saw each other on the weekends. But there is a reason I fell so quickly. I had an addiction to another girl for about 3 years. When I met my current fionse, she looked almost exactly like my old unrequited love, sort of acted like her (I think anyway) and had the exact same birthday. It was a trip!!!! But I was so excited, because the current one was actually available. So...I think I ignored the red flags and I at first put her in a powerful place but I was able to keep the love addiction thoughts away. So I thought everything was okay....I didn't get addicted to her. But, I did ignore anything that broke my boundaries. I feel so naive for doing all of this now. Don't know what the hell I was thinking. But yes, you're right, I fell for her and THEN started noticing the things I didn't like. But a lot of them were there all along. If I had paid attention to my boundaries on the first date, there were red flags all over the place, ON THE FIRST DATE! So, I decided that you are SO right. I wrote out my boundaries. Now I feel that I need to look and see what is being broken, and then I need to decide a permanent solution. Going back and forth is taking up so much of my energy, but I am glad to say that I believe these new boundaries will protect me, and will allow me to always feel safe when i stick by them. Feeling hopeful. Thanks everybody.
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Post by Loving My Life on Dec 18, 2011 4:57:24 GMT -8
ontheroad, iam glad to hear your doing better. your not naive, we have to know better, in order to do better. Stick with your boundaries & values, and watch out for the red flags. Enjoy your company first. you are worth it. keep coming back.
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