Post by singlewv2011 on Dec 15, 2011 7:07:14 GMT -8
Something happened at CR Tuesday night that triggered serious anger and resentment, it really caught me off-guard.
I was raised in a family with a very controlling grandmother, mother, and aunts. Until I ran off and joined the AF at age 18, every single aspect of my life, no matter how small, was controlled by these women.
So Tuesday night I was washing dishes after CR (I am on the cleanup crew) and someone decided all the leaders should go get their picture taken together. There is this one woman I have had problems with before, she declares that "everyone needs to go to the prayer room" and starts herding people in that direction. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and even reached out like she would escort me if I did not go under my own power.
Now, this seems like such a small thing, nothing to get upset about. BUT.... WOW... This anger rose up in me, I was livid that she was trying to make me do something I didn't want to do. It took all of my strength not to yell at her to leave me alone. It's like I was re-living every instance of being controlled when I was a child. It's been two days and I am still seething with anger and resentment. Events that happened 35 years ago are playing through my head like they were yesterday.
It's scary, in a way, because I don't know where all this anger has been hiding undetected. It seems very obvious that these are events that I haven't healed from, but I don't know how to go about that. I have a nearly 2-year NC going with my family because they hinder my recovery, so it's not like I can talk to them about it. I've tried before, they seemed shocked and say things like "But it was just because we LOOOOOOOVED you".
Any advice about how to go about addressing this?
I was raised in a family with a very controlling grandmother, mother, and aunts. Until I ran off and joined the AF at age 18, every single aspect of my life, no matter how small, was controlled by these women.
So Tuesday night I was washing dishes after CR (I am on the cleanup crew) and someone decided all the leaders should go get their picture taken together. There is this one woman I have had problems with before, she declares that "everyone needs to go to the prayer room" and starts herding people in that direction. She wouldn't take no for an answer, and even reached out like she would escort me if I did not go under my own power.
Now, this seems like such a small thing, nothing to get upset about. BUT.... WOW... This anger rose up in me, I was livid that she was trying to make me do something I didn't want to do. It took all of my strength not to yell at her to leave me alone. It's like I was re-living every instance of being controlled when I was a child. It's been two days and I am still seething with anger and resentment. Events that happened 35 years ago are playing through my head like they were yesterday.
It's scary, in a way, because I don't know where all this anger has been hiding undetected. It seems very obvious that these are events that I haven't healed from, but I don't know how to go about that. I have a nearly 2-year NC going with my family because they hinder my recovery, so it's not like I can talk to them about it. I've tried before, they seemed shocked and say things like "But it was just because we LOOOOOOOVED you".
Any advice about how to go about addressing this?
